Flippin' 'eck Benny! What a week it's been in Strictly Land. There's been so much going on it's like an episode of Coronation Enders Farm, or whatever soaps are called these days. I stopped watching them years ago - they're all far too cheerful and true to life for me 😏. Just how many murders can happen in one place before people get suspicious? Mind you, happens in Midsomer all the time and John Nettles is still none the wiser. Maybe everyone gets mind wiped with a sonic blast of 'YOUR'E NOT MY MUVVER!' or Sonia giving a toot on her trumpet or something. I prefer Repair Shop - you know where you are with a shed full of tools (and NO, I don't mean Jay & Co).
So, what has happened to get me all in a tizz? Well...
FIRST - Katya tested positive for coronavirus, forcing her and Nicola to pull out of the show. Such a shame as Nicola never really found her dancing feet and now can't show us any improvement. A sad way for the first same sex couple to leave the show - although the Tin Foil brigade are already out in force saying it's a ruse and they're really out because they didn't get on / got on too well / Nicola flounced because she was asked to wear a feathery frock. Pish tosh. Some people see conspiracies everywhere. I blame soaps. Well, I for one hope they are both well and stay safe. We're not sure yet what impact this will have on the show from now on (I nearly said 'going forward' then realised that sounded to much like a David Brent Office-ism and had A Word with myself). It could mean no elimination one week, or a four couple final instead of five. We shall see.
THEN - Motsi had to return to Germany for a family emergency and therefore has to self-isolate for two weeks. She had planned to judge from home but given she wouldn't be able to see half of what was going on - and would probably spend half the show watching the Buffering Circle Of Doom - our old pal Tony Beak has been drafted in to guest judge while she's out of action. First Bruno, now Motsi? Hmmmm - I declare it was Tony Beak, in the Ballroom with the Glitterball your honour. Oh, no. Now you've got me at it! I'd say 'chinny reckon' but our Tone outclasses me in the mandible department by some margin. More of this later. Anton, that is - not my chin(s).
If it carries on like this we're going to end up with the remaining dancers in Zorb balls for isolation, Dave Arch will be in a one man band kit providing the music and that cheap rip off 'badly sung by someone else' backing track they play in Home Bargains so they don't have to pay PRS royalties.
So, we're all shaken up and out of sorts. When better to tell you it's just SIX WEEKS until Christmas. See you're not worried about Strictly now are you? You can tell Yuletide is on its way as Boy Of The House was flicking through the Argos catalogue for ideas. Have you seen it recently? Blimey it's shrunk. Not so much The Book Of Dreams these days, more Pamphlet For A Short Nap. How am I supposed to stand on it to put the fairy on the tree now?
Anyway, I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes. Dancing & stuff. No theme this week, so we're back to something like normal, despite the shenanigans in the week. And because I watch this thing so you don't have to (although it would help you understand what I'm bapping on about), this is was went down.
They save the pro dances for the results show now so there was a very sudden opening with Tess & Claude. They introduced the judges, making gentle digs at Anton having to be press ganged into judging. Bless him, if he'd have had a tail he would have wagged it.
Haaarveeey & Jaaaneeetteee opened the show with a Salsa to Dynamite by BTS. I thought BTS was British Tyre Service but apparently they're a Korean 'K-Pop' outfit who all look about nine years old and the kind of chaps your mum would like you to bring home for tea. Well, it was a pretty fine way to open the show. Vowelly Challenged HRVY came out with a bang. He got the party going with a high energy, high octane performance. He had plenty of hip action, good rotation and footwork. This was a tricky routine with some challenging lifts (although Janette looks like she weighs as much as a wet teabag, bless her). Harves showed really good musicality and timing and the side by side sections were smooth & slick (glad I'm not Chris Eubank trying to say that). It was a bit stop/start, especially when the lifts were coming but the armography was good and he supported Janette well in the floor spin. Anton was a bit overenthusiastic like I'd worried, and Shirley gushed like a faulty garden hose, wildly overmarking with the first 10 of the season. A decent 27 out of 30.
This week's Ts & Cs were brought to us by crooner Craig David. Poor Craig spent years in the wilderness after being mocked by Leigh Francis (Avid Merrion / Keith Lemon) portraying him as a naive northerner with a kestrel and a bladder problem. It appears that it's all behind him now, though and he was proper bo, I tell thee.
Up next were Ranvir & Giovanni with a Cha Cha Cha to Oye Como Va / I Like It Like That by Santana & Peter Rodriguez. After a brilliant week last week, Ranvir seemed to struggle with this dance. She started off okay with some sexy hip action, but it soon unravelled I'm afraid. She was stiff and stilted with no real bounce or enthusiasm. It was all a bit pedestrian and ploddy in parts, she went on the wrong foot and out of time & synch with Gio. She wasn't enjoying herself and it showed on her face. She needed a straighter leg to get the proper cha cha cha movements, too. Poor Ranvir really needs to have more confidence in herself as she can do it - as last week showed. Anton was definitely Havana laugh, wildly overmarking her, but his comments had calmed down at least. A leader-board tumbling 20 out of 30 was scored.
Max & Dianne followed this with an American Smooth to It Had To Be You by Harry Connick Junior. Is it just me who always hears John Mellencamp's Jack & Diane when they're introduced? Well, you will now anyway. Max was gussied up in ballroom tails - a pleasant change to his Homer look last week. There was some nice chemistry between the pair and Max showed some grace and style. He's really worked on his frame and top line, but the dance lacked the showbizzy swing and sway. He was flinging his free arm about like he was chucking a frisbee and his hands were splayed on Dianne's back like the last bunch of bananas in the shop. The choreography was pretty simple and the lifts weren't too challenging either. It wasn't his best and it turns out they'd still be practising in the car park shortly before the show started. At the end Max did a NAUGHTY SWEAR that was caught on is mic, meaning Claudia had to apologise for any offence caused - we were pre-watershed after all. More mad overmarking by Anton (giving Max an 8) and he ended up with 20 out of 30.
JJ & Amy then brought us a Jive to Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy by Bette Midler. JJ had been given permission to wear a Royal Marine uniform and they'd arranged for one to be tailor made for him in full & proper detail. Someone was chopping onions again! Maybe it was the uniform that seemed to send JJ back into soldier mode as he was really quite stiff and too upright for a jive. His injuries mean that he struggled with the kicks, flicks and retraction - something the judges should have taken into account if you ask me - but his timing and synchronicity were good, especially in the side by side sections. Another dancer who needs a bit more confidence, but maybe he's better suited to the slower ballroom dances. Time will tell. A mean, low 4 from Craig meant a score of just 17 out of 30, although Shirley did enthuse about his package, which can't be all bad.
Maisie & Gorka took to the floor with a Cha Cha Cha to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Now apparently - and don't ask me why 'cos I have not the foggiest - their theme was set in a dolls' house with Maisie & Ken, sorry, Gorka portraying plastic playthings. Gorka was certainly rather distracting in shorts, and not necessarily in a good way.
One thing I did really enjoy was Gorka explaining some moves in the training VT. And because I love you, I'll let you in on the secret too - pay attention, this may be on your end of year exam:
Cuban Break - apparently not lunch time in Guantanamo, but dancing with one leg bent and one leg straight. Much like me after my last night out with Husband Of The House.
Lockstep - sharp, quick steps forward which gives the classic Cha Cha Cha hip action
New Yorker - in hold starting face to face, then open out to side by side and back to close while moving forwards.
And on with the dance - they started off with The Robot but unfortunately Maisie looked less Michael Jackson and more Michael McIntyre here - not quite sharp & defined enough, as Craig pointed out. Maisie had some good hip action and coped well with some tricky moves. She had nice timing & rhythm and it was a fun, frivolous dance. Unfortunately, she was a bit too stiff and weirdly self-conscious through the number and she still needs to work on her foot placement (a critique she's had every week so far) as she was pigeon-toed and flat-footed in parts. Anton hates the Cha Cha Cha which might explain more overmarking from him. 24 out of 40 for Team Maika. Team Gorksie? Whatever.
The dance of the night for me was Bill & Oti dancing a Street Dance Couple's Choice to Rappers' Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang . Now, I was very confused when they didn't come out as Michelle Pfeiffer and Coolio, but then I realised I was thinking of the wrong song entirely. Oh, my. This was a sublime routine from start to finish. Dressed as 20s gangsters Bill & Oti put the Chic and the Go in Chicago. Bill really is a surprise and a joy to watch. He hit every single beat and mark, keeping in synch with Oti whether they were sitting down ham-boning and gang handshaking or up on his feet with slick, sharp and on-point moves to some very difficult choreography - which, at 55 to her 30 is no mean feat. There was bags of content and Bill had tons of swagger, style and character. His dedication to dance earned him an incredible 10 from our Shirl and 27 out of 30 overall.
Caroline & Johannes were our next couple with a Waltz to With You I'm Born Again by Billy Preston & Syreeta Wright. I can't quite put my finger on it but something seems a bit...off in this partnership. There doesn't seem to be so much chemistry between the pair as with other couples and the VTs / Clauditorium interviews look a bit strained and forced. The dance was nice enough, though. But just that. Nice. Caroline had a decent top line and some graceful rise and fall. Her flow across the floor was competent, if a little constrained and her heel leads were pretty well done. Unfortunately, there were a lot of foot faults and some wobbles - and gapping you could have driven the night bus through. Shirley said Caroline has nice ankles, which sounds like a back-handed compliment if you ask me. The sort your waspish auntie would give at family get togethers after a few gins. You know, the ones where you get looked up and down first. Anyway, CQ & Johannes scored 22 out of 30, breaking their 21 streak, but only thanks to a generous 8 from Anton.
Jamie & Karen sashayed on with a Samba to Bomboleo by Gipsy Kings. I prefer a gypsy cream myself. D'you think Baron Von Biscuits would send me some? And, yes, this song has been my bloody earworm since last night. I could do without blurting it out as I put the washing on, thank you very much.
And so to the dance. The wardrobe team had clearly been on the hot glue as Jamie & Karen came out looking like two of The Three Amigos. I'll leave it to you to decide which ones.
Clara & Aljaz closed the show with a cracking Charleston to Baby Face by Julie Andrews. Clara looked stunning and very Josephine Baker (20s superstar) with her slick hair and swishy dress.
What a way to end the show! There was absolutely EVERYTHING in there for a Charleston aficionado - duckwalks, knee slaps, crossovers, birdy flaps, scissor steps and more swivel than you could shake a stick at. This was a silly, fun dance - everything a Charleston should be. Clara was clearly enjoying herself so much more than last time and it showed in her enthusiasm and energy. She was totally on point and in time with Aljaz, beaming smile on her face as she coped splendidly with some tricky steps. She had flair, attack and style, telling the story of the dance and really performing it - even if she did nearly poke Aljaz's eye out at the end. A great dance, rewarded by a table topping 29 out of 30.
And that was that. BOTH, HOTH and I watched a horror film and we all went to bed suitably traumatised.
Saturday night turned to Sunday, as it does. The leader-board last night was quite widely spread but, as we know, that means nowt when you turn the vote over to the public. The celebs are only as safe as their fan-base and we've seen favourites shockingly booted off because people thought they wouldn't need the votes.
The pros kicked off with a lively routine set in a supermarket. It's a wonder they're not all basket cases by now but it was a trolley good dance, set so we could check out our favourites and the spares who have been left on the shelves, stacking up the overtime (look, I've got to get my puns in somehow). It wasn't very realistic though - none of them were wearing masks and fighting over the last 9 pack of Andrex and a super-sized bag of tagliatelle. 'Twas quite nice, though.
Motsi - much more stripped back and au naturelle than usual with her own hair and everything - gave a brief recap of the night before. Pretty much how we all look on a Zoom call to be honest. I bet she had her PJs and fluffy slippers on below the waist. Personally, I have the Skype Sweater and the Team T-Shirt to make me look half decent. She was much more sedate as well but, then again, they could only probably afford a five minute slot with everything else that's gone on.
Tess and her Bumbedy-Bum Of Doooooom whittled down the couples who would dance next week. First in the perilous position was...
MAISIE!!!
See, what did I tell you? People not voting because they think the celeb will be safe. Unless Maisie's Enders character has done something heinous this week which cost her votes (I know there are people out there who have difficulty separating fact from fiction and I'm not talking about Demonic, sorry, Dominic Cummings). Like I said, I know nothing about that. The only soap I'm aware of is the washy kind.
The Vamps performed a pleasant ditty of Married in Vegas among the usual pro dancer contempo-waft, no doubt also filmed weeks ago and after being hosed down with sanitiser.
We had the usual judges' recap which never really adds much more than a bit of padding with Bruno in virtual attendance looking absolutely knackered. No idea what time it was over in La La Land or even what day is what but he looked like he needed a Berocca.
Tess's Timpani Of Terror struck further fear into our remaining couples, with Jamie looking like he wanted to throw up. One by one the names were read out until two celebrities remained - Ranvir and Max. And finally, our last dancer-offerer was revealed to be...
MAX!!!
Both couples revamped their routines (I know, sorry) and tried to perfect the pernickety pieces picked up previously. But you don't really need me to tell you the outcome do you? Oh, you do? Well...
Despite a schism in the panel, eventually the judges found MAX unWanted and it was MAISIE who lived to dance another day. Fair result? I'll leave that to you to decide. It just seems like Shirl has really taken against Maisie for some reason, saying she'd have saved Max - unless she was just saying that to make Dianne feel better.
And so ten became nine couples closer to the coveted Glitter Ball. And I think it's still anyone's race to win. Will Jamie pull off a Kelvin? Could Clara clinch it? Maybe Bill bounds his way to the ball. There's only one way to find out. Tune in next week and, until then...
KEEP DANCING!!
MUCKY MOUTHED MAD MANC MAX MEANDERS TO MANANA
(I know it needs the squiggly bit over the first N but I can't do it on this laptop)
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