To The Victor, The Balls

 

Well, here we are at last. The week we've all been waiting for. We started off with a Dancing Dozen of celebrities - several of which I'd actually heard of - and whittled them down one by one until we were left with the Final Four. From pop stars to politicians, soap slebs to sporties, each fell by the wayside, leaving us with:

Bill & Oti

HRVY & Janette

Jamie & Karen

Maisie & Gorka

Tonight their fate lay solely in the hands of the public. A popularity contest of who the folks at home wanted to have it more. Anyone could have won, but only one WOULD. This week, our finalists were doing three dances: The Judges' Choice - one they thought the couples could have improved, The Showdance - where anything goes, and The Couples' Favourite. The Twelve Dances Of Christmas.

It's been a very busy weekend with all the socially distant running around & shopping. Trying to guess if five hundredweight of easy peelers will be enough for three people, wondering what to get for Auntie Beryl. Then remembering you don't actually have an Auntie Beryl, so what are you worrying for? Whoever wrote that Christmas is The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year has obviously never had to brave the scrum in Card Factory looking for a 'To A Wonderful Binman At Christmas' (don't bother looking for one, they don't have them). Christmas? Christmad more like.

With that and the lockdown news that was on just before Strictly I haven't really had time to do the full blog, I'm afraid. So, I've decided to do something just a little bit different for my last Strictly post. I'm giving you a poem (WAIT! COME BACK! It's not that bad. I've been published, I'll have you know). 

It was Strictly, The Final

HRVY the popstar opened the show

With the jive from week one that had then scored quite low

He'd put in the practice and polished his dance

And scoring near perfect, he was in with a chance

Jamie came next, with his moves Herculean

His Charleston rejigged that the Judges were keen on

He swivelled and wiggled and covered the floor

With twenty-six scored, but he should have got more

Bill Bailey, the comic, a Quickstep he brought

The Panel had liked it, but the score came up short

This time he was sharper, his rhythm much better

The steps that he danced? Had them down to the letter

Maisie's first go was her samba with Gorka

She gave it some welly, the routine a corker

Her top line was epic, her hips had rotation

Surely now she'd win the hearts of the nation?

So back round to HRVY, his showdance quite stunning

Janette's choreography was clever and cunning

There were steps from all dances, the timing so fine

The Panel were happy, and he scored twenty-nine

Baron Von Biscuits, with his second shot

Went out hell for leather, he gave us the lot

Cartwheels and spinning, dancing quickly and slowly

And to cap it all off a big roly poly!

Bill came out next all fierce fire and passion

With a dance to rock music, as is his fashion

Oti was spinning, his guitar was on fire

And with a ten from each Judge he couldn't score higher

Maisie returned with a Christmas themed number

With everything in there except, phew, the rumba

The nailed all the steps, the scary drum leap

And was the second contestant to score a clean sweep

HRVY's last dance was the American Smooth

With a high score last time, was there room to improve?

Well pickle me walnuts, as Len used to say 

He only went and did it, scoring tens all the way

Jamie & Karen brought their time to a close

With their Street Commercial that was more than just pose

He ramped up the tempo, the flair and the fun

He also scored thirty, oh wait, minus one

Bill & Miss Oti reprised Rapper's Delight

Which, for me - I'll be honest - was the dance of the night

He was slicker and quicker, with popping & locking

But didn't score thirty which is frankly quite shocking

Maisie's last dance brought an end to the show

With her stunning Quickstep that was great from the go

She was fast, fleet and fab, her feet were aflame

But would the Glitterball trophy be hers to claim?

First Bruno showed up, then Nicola and Katya

And the rest of the cast coming dancing right at ya

Macca & Idris, Robbie singing a song

Who was the winner? We didn't wait long

The people had rung in, the public got votey

The victors were announced as......

BILL BAILEY & OTI!!!!

Now Bill had been expected to be quite a donkey

People thought that his dances would be rather shonky

But never judge a book just by its cover

He turned out to be quite the Strictly dance lover

And he walked off last night with the best prize of all

Win Two for Oti and the fine Glitterball

And there we have it for another year. Only the Christmas Special next week with the favourite 25 dances across the years that Strictly has been on. So, you know we're going to get Ann Widdecombe being used as a mop and Ed Balls teabagging poor Katya Gangnam Style.

Thank you for reading along. It's been great fun doing the blog again. Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. Keep safe and - most of all

KEEEEEEEEEEP DANCING!!!!!

Let's Get Ready To Rumba

 

Hello again, dance fans. It doesn't seem like five minutes since we were last here dissecting the dances, chatting about cha chas, waffling about waltzes and all that jazz. Just one more week to go until the champion is crowned and I get my weekends back from this malarkey. I jest - I love doing this. I get to be bitchy about people I don't personally know, about a subject I have very little experience of, all while embibing a jolly nice glass of something alcoholic in nature. Now, don't get me wrong. I drink very responsibly. I never spill a drop.

Christmas is also just around the corner. At the minute I'm seeing more of the Amazon delivery guy than I am of HOTH. The spare room is looking like an outreach of the post office and there's enough cardboard to keep the recycling chaos busy until Easter. And that's just HOTH's pressies!

But on to why we're really here. IT'S SEMI FINAL WEEK! Our quality quintet are nearly at the end of their journey. They've wheeled out kids, cats, parents, parrots, grans, grandads, pets & perky poppets galore to try and win our votes hearts. There's not many more relatives they can drag out. At least Covid has spared us from the obligatory visit back the the celebs' old school while they perform their piece to a load of bored tots who don't really have a clue who they are, but are just excited that they get to miss maths. I know how they feel. It was like when they wheeled the big telly out when I was at school (no, it wasn't black & white you cheeky sods - but it was in a wooden cabinet). Ah, those were the days. How We Used To Live, Picture Box and Jigsaw. Which brought us the frankly terrifying Mr Noseybonk.

I mean, what were they thinking? This was a KIDS' TV show! He makes Annabel look like Teddy bloody Edward. You're going to have nightmares tonight, trust me.

Well, our couples won't have to fret. They've only got the judges to worry about. Mind you, Craig can be a right one when he gets going - though he does seem to have been milder on the dancers this year. Must be getting soft in his old age.

This week each couple has to do TWO dances for our delictation, which means double the delight. Or twice the twaddle, depending on how much choreo has stuck in. I'd be terrible. I'd probably break into \ Charleston half way through an Argentine. I don't think Craig would be too impressed seeing birdy flaps instead of ganchos. Although it might liven things up a bit.

So, how did they do? Lay on Macduff, as Billy Shakespeare once wrote. Come with me and you'll see, there's a world of pure dancimation (I know that's not a word but it sort of scans).

The audience were back this week, suitably socially distanced, sanitised and masked up. Can you imagine what aliens / distant future archaeologists are going to make of the footage? They'll probably think we were all into kinky stuff set to music. All the Covid precautions didn't stop them whooping & hollering like Howler Monkeys on the Stella, though. Well, mainly. But more of that later.

Jamie & Karen opened the show with a Salsa to Last Dance by Donna Summer. After a lengthy VT section of family & friends, including his usually reticent dad wishing him luck, Jimmy Biscuits was more Broken Biscuits, bless his little pure-silk-from-the-tails-of-unicorns socks. Well, this was a smashing little number, full on disco-salsa fun. Jamie got the party started with an 'anything goes' routine with some tricky steps and jaw-dropping lifts. I mean, at one point he was probably closer to Karen than her gynaecologist has ever been. They did a double section of wrist-ripper bum slides along with the basic salsa steps and the routine was high energy, high tempo, highly entertaining. His hip rotation wasn't as present as it could have been, he was a little flat footed and his free arm looked like it was having a party of its own. A good effort but he still only scored his now routine 24 out of 30, despite looking more like Andy Bell off of out of Erasure than ever,

JAMIE & KAREN AWAIT THEIR SCORES

Rob Brydon popped up to do the Terms & Conditions, pointing out he wasn't Anton. Apparently he gets mobbed by Fantons all the time who mistake him for Tony Beak. Should've gone to Specsavers, ladies. I was disappointed he didn't do his Ken Bruce impression. He once stood in for Uncle Ken for a whole show, being 'Ken' and late tuners in didn't notice the difference. I wonder if he played 'It Should Have Bryn Me'?

Ranvir & Giovanni followed with a wonderful Waltz to Un Giorni Per Noi by Josh Groban. Ranvir's VTs were all about how much she has grown confidence, come out of her shell and started believing in herself. It's something Gio seems to excel at - bringing the most of out of his partners and making them feel good about themselves. This was a beautiful dance, full of grace, style & emotion. Ranvir was light, sweeping across the floor with a wonderful frame and top line - which the judges have said is as good as any pro's. The choreography was simple & understated with some lovely spins, turns & fleckerls as well as the requisite rise and fall. Her footwork wasn't as clean as it could have been and her balance wobbled a couple of times, Craig saying her dress hid a multitude of sins. Shirley praised her arms, saying they were very 'eloquent'. I think someone should get her a thesaurus for her Secret Santa. A decent score of 26 out of 30 nonetheless.

Bill & Oti were up next with a cracking Charleston to Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey by Ottilie Paterson with Chris Barber. Apparently Bill is really called Mark, but a teacher nicknamed his Bill after this song and it stuck. Which was very handy. Flipping heck. Oti must have put every single Charleston step in the history of the dance in this number. I mean, it had EVERYTHING! Bill, as usual, had great character, throwing himself into the routine with enthusiasm and gusto. His side by side sections with Oti were totally in sync, his timing was great and his stamina never flagged despite the tempo. He pulled all the right goofy faces and looked like he was having a whale of a time. Most important of all - he had stupendous swivel in his feet. He was a little stiff through his upper body but overall he was impressive - with Craig even changing the lyrics in his critique to 'Don't You Go Home, Bill Bailey'. Just 25 out of 30 scored, though.

Maisie & Gorka brought us a Couple's Choice with a Street Dance / Commercial to Gettin' Jiggy Wit It by Will Smith. Now, you see, this is why I'm not a judge. I'm sure it was very technical and all that, but it just left me...cold. And I'm not alone. A lot of the people I chat to about Strictly said exactly the same. Nothing against Maisie Three Expressions (honestly, she's the Colin Farrell of dance. All he can do is 'baffled', 'angry baffled' & 'happy baffled') but, for me, it was missing something. It was like one of those end-of-term talent shows we had to sit through on Christmas Holiday break up day where you sorta like the kids, but wish they'd have done something else. Like not bother. Or hurry up so the teachers would put the Chilly Willy films on. For me it was all a bit cliched. Basketball court set - check. Jock letter jackets - check. Bad breakdancing - check. Apparently, breakdancing is going to be a 'showcase' sport in the 2024 Olympics. I shan't start polishing my lino just yet. But I suppose it must have been good. The judges raved over it like it was The Second Coming and Shirl declared it one of the best numbers she had ever seen. No, Shirl. No it wasn't. Did y'all miss the completely fudged up leg-ography and the bits where she was ahead of the beat? They must have because Maisie scored a full house 30 out of 30. I'm with Colin Farrell on this one. Baffled.

Haaaaaarveeeeeey & Jnt ended Round One with a Rumba to Only You by - according to the BBC site - Kylie Minogue and James Corden. Kylie & Corden? Kylie & bloody Corden? I think you'll find it was Yazoo, mate. I should know, it's my karaoke go to. Now, you know my feelings on the rumba. Walk, walk, wiggle, wave, pout, wiggle, cuddle. Bleurgh. I told you I'm allergic to romance. Don't get me started with that 'Love You To The Moon & Back' stuff. You know that's fewer than 500,000 miles, right? I mean, I wouldn't want to walk it but, universally speaking, it's like saying you love someone to the corner shop & back. The Proclaimers have probably walked that be now anyway. So, yeah. The rumba. This was NOT his dance.  It wasn't romantic or sexy and there was no flow. You could hear the poor floor manager trying to gee the audience into cheering & clapping. The Consonantaphile didn't seem to get to grips with the routine at all. He was completely stop/start, clunking from one move to the next, standing about a lot while Janette wafted about. His footwork was poor - pigeon toed throughout the dance and he got off balance more than once. The lowest score of the night so far, just 23 out of 30.

And so to Part Two. Each celeb had a VT section from the judges this time, commenting on their improvements, what the judges liked and their best bits so far. Fewer tears all round then.

 

Jamie & Karen kicked off the second half with a Quickstep to Thank God I'm A Country Boy by John Denver. This was a...different style of Quickstep. More barn dance / hoe down with not all the usual steps you'd normally expect. There was a lot of faffing & dancing on benches, a CGI menagerie of farm animals and a haystack in there, but it was fun. Jamie had a massive grin on his face, clearly enjoying every second - as was I. It was light, clippy & tidy - although Jamie lost timing on a couple of occasions as he got a bit giddy. He didn't shirk any of the steps though and was mostly in sync with Karen. The judges seemed to like it, but the poor lad STILL only scored 24 out of 30.

Ranvir & Giovanni's second dance was a Jive to Candyman by Christina Aguilera (how come she can say it three times without this dude turning up to put a dent in her day)

Erm. I think the less said about this the better. The Jive can be a winning dance or a bogey one. It was definitely the latter for Ranvir. Her weight was way too far back, meaning she was off balance from the start. She lacked retraction on her kicks & flicks, which were leaden, lumpy and stompy. She was clearly not enjoying herself with this routine and it translated into her movements. She was flat-footed and flappy, too upright and stiff. To be honest, the best thing about it was nautical but nice Giovanni, dressed like a Jean-Paul Gaultier sailor. Very harsh comments from the judges this time round and Ranvir scored a terrible 18 out of 30.

I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS HERE....

Bill & Oti ended their night with a Tango to Enter Sandman by Metallica. Yes, you read that right. Metallica. Maybe Bill & I should team up to write Metallica The Musical, since I would love to do a Viennese waltz to Nothing Else Matters by them. A Paso to Master of Puppets & we're sorted. Dave Arch was in his element getting his rock on to this. Bill was playing air guitar as well here. He had very good drive & attack, great eye contact and partnership with Oti and he built the atmosphere with staccato head turns and flamenco steps. His footwork was off, though, and there was no V shaping. His shoulders were a bit hunched and he had some balance issues. Although claiming to be a heavy metal fan, Shirley proper tore into him - leading to Craig encouraging the crowd to boo her for a change. Perhaps it was too much of a stretch for Strictly and Bill scored 23 out of 30.

Maisie &Gorka slowed things down with a Viennese Waltz to A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. As you know, Maisie hasn't done a lot of ballroom numbers - and I don't know why. This was by far a better dance than her earlier one. It was lyrical, lovely and light. Maisie was flowing and smooth, keeping the rise & fall in check and her frame was elegant, finishing all of her extensions and lines. The footwork was on point - Shirley standing and watching like a hawk to make sure - and the partnership between the pair was sweet. Not sure what the guitar brought to the dance (poor Maisie couldn't even mime playing it) but the judges liked it and awarded 29 out of 30.

YVRH & Janette Manraraskirt closed the show with their Charleston to Another Day Of Sun by the La La Land cast. This was more like it. Janette had been following the Oti Chuck It All In School of Choreography and everything was in there but the kitchen sink. It didn't have quite the same atmosphere as Bill's, but it was still fun to watch. Loads of tricks, flips & lifts, bags of swivel, great musicality head to toe. He performed with plenty of pizzazz & attitude, though he did get out of sync with Janette a couple of times. Not that the judges cared  noticed, mind. Motsi got unnecessarily hysterical, saying he'd be back next year as a pro (err...Motsi, you DID watch the rumba, right?). A top of the shop 30 out of 30.

And that was that. Ten dances done & dusted. The celebs had done everything they could and now it was down to the popularity vote to see who would survive through to the final.

Monday Eve - AKA Sunday - reared its little head once more. HOTH, SOTH & I got our festive on and decorated the house & Christmas tree. I even made some very disturbing shepherds and a 'sheep' like looks like an early version of Dolly The Clone (the ones they don't show on TV). Look, nobody has the impression I'm the next Damien Hirst, okay. More Damn It Hurts, if I'm honest.

The pro dance started with a mean & moody Aljaz, barefoot Karen on a rotating stagey bit, then Greasy Arnold barging in and it all getting funky to Kate Bush's Running Up That Hill. The rest of the pros posed theatrically, basically acting as the set & props. I had flashbacks to the Gay Zebra all over again.

Tess didn't have much to do, really. Five couples, two in the dance off? It was never going to take long, was it?

The first Dance Off denizen was....

RANVIR

Oh well. She must have had an inkling she would be in danger this week. The judges' comments were harsh on both occasions and she was at the bottom end of the leader-board at the end of 'last night'. As we know, it only takes one duff night to stick a spanner in your Strictly works - and poor Ranvir had the whole toolbox dumped on her.

Up in the Clauditorium, Maisie was told she was the youngest ever finalist, at which she went bananas. Well, it's not exactly rocket science, Mais. You're the youngest flipping contestant. And in some fab news, Janette will be in her first ever final next week! I know, madness isn't it? Eight years on Strictly and not a sniff of the final.

Two thirds of Little Knicks - sorry, Little Mix (they'll catch their deaths in those outfits they usually wear) belted out their latest for our entertainment, while Johannes & Luba strutted their funky stuff. I don't know where the other two were - maybe they weren't keen on the outfits they'd been given. One of the poor things looked like she'd been in a fight with a candlewick bedspread and Big Bird. And lost.

The judges did their bit while I served up the profiteroles I'd got free with my frozen food shop. Let's say it was from, oh, I don't know..Greenland? Very nice they were, too. The profiteroles, not the judges. Rumour has it Bruno is earning £33,000 A MINUTE! Not a bad gig if you can get it. That'd keep you in Werther's wouldn't it?

Quick visit back to Tess and we knew who would be joining Ranvir in the dance off. It was...

JAMIE

Poor Baron Von Biscuits. He's been at the bottom more times than the soggy Hob Nob I dunk in my cuppa. Yes, I know he's not technically brilliant and is starting to look a bit out of his depth but the joy he brings when he dances is off the scale. Craig was particularly effusive in his encouragement to Jamie, telling him they'd put him through every time because they know what he can do.

Claud had a chat with Bill about his Strictly experience and to say he's had a good time is a bit like saying Everest is quite high. Or water is a bit damp. You get the picture.

Jamie chose to reprise his salsa from Saturday. Unsurprisingly, Ranvir had chosen to do her waltz again. No way was she going to do that jive EVER again, if she could help it. It was all going to be down to who impressed the judges most. As you know, I'm no expert but Jamie went for it even better than on Saturday, nailing his bum spin (so to speak). Ranvir was, again, beautiful and elegant. It was going to be a close call.

It was very, very difficult. Craig was deliberating for some time and seemed to change his mind a couple of times before saving Jamie. Motsi was quicker off the announcing she was saving Ranvir. Another week, another split decision from the judges. Maybe they're just doing it to make Our Shirl feel useful as she had the casting vote as Head Judge. And so she made decision. The dancer going home, falling at the semi-final hurdle was.....

RANVIR. There's no doubting she had a great time and has grown so much. I will miss her, though. She has a humble grace & humility that seems very genuine. She even apologised to Giovanni for being voted out, bless her. Long may she continue to dance.

And so we have our finalists: BILL, HRVY, JAMIE & MAISIE. Who's your money on? It's going to be a close one, that's for sure. Join me next week for the last instalment,  hopefully with my assistant lending a paw again.

Until then, KEEEEEEEEP DANCING!!!

SUCH A SHAME SHE'S AN ALSO RAN-VIR, PIPPED AT THE POST

I'll just leave this here again.

Footloose & Dancy Free

 

Well, here we are again folks. Another week of Strictly shenanigans, another week closer to the final. In just two short weeks we'll find out who has danced their way to the Glitterball - or, at least, who is most popular with the public. I'm still smarting from Danny Mac getting robbed pipped by Ore 'cries at the drop of a sequin' Oduba. Journey Schmourney. Danny's American Smooth still makes me catch my breath.

It's weird to think that in three weeks' time it will be Boxing Day. The day most people are stewing in a hangover funk, half the family aren't speaking to each other anymore and folk are wondering what the hell they're going to do with 16 kilos of leftover turkey that doesn't involve salmonella. And all the batteries in the kids' noisy toys have magically been thrown in the bin depleted. SOTH was given a Wiggles guitar one year. It had a mind of its own and used to go off randomly like it was possessed - it probably was, knowing our luck. Usually at about 3am, just before SOTH would roll over on Iggle bleeding Piggle and set him off singing his smug blue head off. Honestly, it was like The Amityville Horror. So, one day, Wiggles guitar failed to work. Mainly because we'd taken its Hellspawn batteries out. We told SOTH that replacements had to be imported from Australia (where The Wiggles live) and we had to have a special licence to import them. Ha. Wiggles Ghoultar silenced!

And so to what we're actually here for. It's MUSICALS WEEK on Strictly. One of the weeks we still look forward to, even if we sometimes have to guess what's going to be shoehorned in as a 'musical' or which one is going to be recycled yet again. So, here we go. Although I will warn you - HOTH & I were on the homemade fruit cider so I could have been watching a repeat of Prime Minster's Question Time for all I know.

Saturday night opened with a FAB-U-LOUS camp & kitsch pro-dance based on The Adventures Of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert. It was great fun and Gio, Gorka & Johannes in drag, wafting their fans and strutting their stuff in heels, was quite the sight to behold - even if Gorka cheated a bit wearing block Cuban heels instead of the killer stilettos Gio & Johannes were wearing. Johannes was clearly living his best life and Team GG camped it up to the max. I mean, they looked better than some of the ladies - certainly much better than I do when I'm all gussied up. I look more like Les Dawson in his Cissy & Ada sketches. Only less feminine.

Me on the left at the last work's Christmas Party

I know the wardrobe team are reduced this year, but Tess came out looking like she'd forgotten to put a top on or they'd had to use some of the material in her jumpsuit elsewhere. Meanwhile, Claudia looked like she was wearing an outfit made from quilted toilet paper. Which is quite the possibility.

JJ & Amy opened proceedings with a Charleston to Chitty, Chitty Bang Bang. I'm pretty sure you don't need me to tell you what musical that's from. JJ is, unfortunately, suffering from repeated infections in his leg from shrapnel still embedded and it looks like this is affecting his dancing. It could have been a Truly Scrumptious routine, but the choreography and content were stripped right back. JJ had some good swivel in his feet and there were some good jumps & heel clicks but it wasn't quite zany enough for me. JJ looked like he was having a good time and his side-by-side bits and opposite side dancing were good but there were a few mistakes, especially towards the end. There was a lot of stop / start, too, with JJ appearing to pause between sections instead of flowing from one move to another, which spoiled things a little. He was a bit flat footed in some parts but he performed the piece well overall. The judges weirdly concentrated more on his various body parts than his dancing. A score of 20 out of 30 sent him to the bottom of the leader board Toot Sweet.

Ranvir & Gio were up next with a Viennese Waltz to She Used To Be Mine from Waitress - no, I've not heard of it either. The VT was very sweet with Ranvir saying she never feels good enough and struggles to believe in herself. She bloody should after this dance. My word. It was simply beautiful. The routine was sublime - romantic, soft, sensual and emotive. Ranvir was gorgeous, performing every beat of the song with heart and emotion. Her top line was exquisite, her footwork superb and she was full of grace as she swept across the floor. There was an amazing standing spin that seemed to go on forever (in a good way) and Shirley said Ranvir had done the best fleckrl she had ever seen. Her back bend arch was incredible, her arms elegant. There wasn't a dry eye in the house - including here (what? I'm not completely heartless). The judges were also impressed and she scored 27 out of 30).

Maisie & Gorka  followed with a Jive to Little Shop Of Horrors from...I give up. They're not even trying to make us guess the musical this year. Is Maisie ever going to do a ballroom number? Surely she's run out of the 'party' dances by now? She probably needs something slower after this very high energy routine. While she may be a plant, she had the Audreyance in the palm of her hand. Maisie was in time and synch with Gorka throughout and she did her best to perform the dance - although she does seem to have only three facial expressions - open mouth, rictus grin, 'yeah baby'. She coped well with some difficult steps, including dancing on a table, but her arms were still a bit flingy and her kicks & flicks lacked sharp retraction, especially towards the end as her stamina flagged. She's finally listened to the judges and tidied up her feet a bit and she's showing more musicality. I'm just disappointed Gorka wasn't dressed as the dentist. That would have been a gas!

Have you seen the alternative ending to this film? WAY better in my opinion but apparently test audiences nixed it because it wasn't a 'happy and uplifting' one. I won't spoil it if you've not seen it but if you have you know what I'm going on about. Bet you agree with me, don't you? 😉. Anyway, I think we'll definitely Seymour of Maisie as she scored a cracking 29 out of 30, and a 10 from Shirl.

Bill & Oti took to the floor with an Argentine Tango to Phantom Of The Opera from...go on, guess what it's from. Bill was the Manny In The Mask for this routine. It was slow for an Argentine and seemed to lack the proper power, attack and intent we usually see. Bill's expression was more manic than menacing and for once I didn't quite believe his character. The content was low and not really technically challenging and while Bill did his best to lead Oti, he didn't have a lot of drive through the floor. His frame and posture was good, and overall his footwork was pretty decent. His ganchos were loose, though, and his rondes were wobbly, sending him off balance in places. There were some ploddy bits and Bill seemed to be walking through some of the parts, with Oti doing all of the work. Not his best dance for me, but Craig declared it 'phantasmagorical'. Bill scored 24 out of 30 for another week, keeping him mid-table.

Haaaaarveeeeey & Jaaaaaneeeeetteeeee hit us with an American Smooth to One (Singular Sensation) from A Chorus Line. Well, it was obvious where the wardrobe budget went this week. There was so much bling, sequins & glitter in the outfits it was difficult to see where VowelOPhobe ended and Janette began. Actually, come to think of it, he looked rather like a Sherbet Fountain.

This was a proper, old school Golden Age Of Hollywood routine and Janette made sure all the crowd pleasing steps were in there. We had Fred & Ginger glides, high kicks, all around razzamatazz and all that jazz. His hands were occasionally like shovels, but the boy nailed this. He had swing, sway & swagger, embodying the character to the Max. (Oh, wait. He went out a few weeks ago, didn't he - after Naughty Wordgate?) We were treated to full on flair with some very tricky choreography and some really good and difficult lifts, twazzing Janette round like a majorette baton - I'm sorry for using such technical terms, by the way. His feet were great and his frame was solid. He did get a bit carried away on occasion, meaning his timing went off a bit, but overall a jolly good show. Shirley gushed over Janette's choreo (deservedly so) but announced it was Janette's first quarter final, totally glossing over the fact she'd got to the semis with Jake Wood in 2014. Before Shirl's Strictly stint though - and nobody probably dares set her straight if they know What's Good For Them. Motsi went on for what seemed like 25 minutes, and the pair finally scored 29 out of 30.

Jamie & Karen closed the show with a Jive to Everybody's Talking About Jamie from the musical of the same name. See, no surprises. It's not the best known musical - apparently a true story about a boy from the North going to the school prom in drag. A bit like Billy Elliott with more make up and frocks. Jamie - playing the titular Jamie (must have been a stretch for him) came out looking like a Wee Jimmy Krankie tribute act.

It's a shame he wasn't in drag, but that would probably have led to more complaints to OfCom and Points of View from the Professionally Offended And Outraged Society (POOS for short) whinging about the 'indecent content'. Prannocks. Jamie tried hard with this dance, although it seems he can't actually function unless his mouth is agape. Still, he had plenty of energy and he had lots of fun with the routine. He was a bit too upright, which meant his kicks & flicks lacked retraction and his feet were floppy. Karen actually stood in front of him on the desk dance bit, hiding his footwork from scrutiny. The choreography was low on content and technique and there were a few errors, including being wildly out of synch at one point. Still, Jamie enjoyed it and he scored 24 out of 30.

And that was that for Musicals Week. It's Annie-one's guess who will get through to next week, although Oliver fiver on Ranvir still being there. It's a Greasey pole down at the bottom and whoever gets saved will need The Commitments to survive. The semi final will be Wicked as someone's dream will come to a Les Miserables end. The Cats will be among the pigeons alright, but I wouldn't bet my Rent on anyone staying on the Strictly Carousel. The Hairspray will be in abundance as we listen to the Sound Of Music, I'll bet. Nobody knows what The Producers have in store but we can be assured that Anything Goes in this Cabaret. It'll be Saturday Night Fever for sure, Guys & Dolls. Mama Mia, I can't wait. So, all aboard the Starlight Express for our Return To The Forbidden Planet of dance.

What? You think I'd let musicals week slide without some terrible puns? I've already warned you Anything Goes here.

Sunday popped up over the horizon and it was The Results Show. Tonight we'd lose another celebrity and we'd be down to five couples for the semi-finals next week. It all seems to have happened so quickly this year. Which, to be fair, it kind of would seeing as there's fewer couples and shows this year. I've kind of liked it - Stripped Down Strictly (not Strip Strictly - that would be a different kettle of fish altogether and you already know my feelings on Tony Beak in his skimpies).

The cast of '& Juliet' turned up months ago to give us a performance and, to be honest, it looks like it's probably quite the jolly romp. From what I can Google tell it's a 'what if' musical about what might have happened if Shakespeare had been persuaded to change the ending of his Teen Tragedy. Sort of like if the test audiences asked about Little Shop Of Horrors had got their hands on it. The showcase example tonight and the internet trailer looks kind of fun and if we're ever allowed to visit theatres again I might put this on my 'To See' list.

Anyhoo...

We had the usual Tess, drums, tension etc. You know the score by now. No matter how she tries to stretch it out having only six couples left it wasn't long before...

JAMIE was announced as first to face the dance off chop. He's starting to make a habit of it now, but at least he takes it with very good grace and knows it's usually because he dropped a ball somewhere in the routine. To be honest, it hadn't been a sparkling sensation and this was one of his lower scores, tying with Bill. But I did think that Bill might just edge the popularity vote, especially with comedy fans and the older voters and it seems that I was right for once

We had the Clauditorium Chatter as usual. Though there's so few couples remaining they could probably get away with The Rule Of Six now to have them all up there together. And MASSIVE SHOCK. They haven't ditched the rumba after all, and we will see at least one next week. I promise I'll try to stay awake through it to be able to comment. No promises, though.

Musicals Megastar and all round magnificent Marisha Wallace belted out Climb Ev'ry Mountain. She's such a powerhouse I got goose-bumps. And I have a near phobia of The Sound Of Music after being made to watch it every day on video (ask you parents what a video is, kids) for the entire six weeks school holiday once. That and Live & Let Die. Honestly, the opening bars of Lonely Goat Turd, sorry, Goatherd are enough to send me heading for the hills. And don't get me started on Paul 'ooooooh / wobbly head / thumbs up' McCartney.

Yeah, yeah, Judges, comments, probably a demonstration of a step, whatever. Don't ask me, I was putting the treacle tarts in the oven to warm up for later. It's that kind of weather for hibernation food, although we were thankfully spared the snow. That and the sensational cake yesterday from Stuart Thornley Cakes (I'm not plugging - I'm being honest) made my weekend. It was a metric fup ton of jam inside delicious cake, surrounded by white chocolate ganache. Heaven.

Back to Tess for a very short 'reveal'. The second celebrity in the dance off was...

JJ - such a shame, but it's not really a massive surprise. It wasn't his best dance and, while he's undoubtedly a lovely chap, he's not really improved like some of the others and is starting to struggle to keep up and hadn't really improved as much as everyone else - although it was close, too close for me to call.

The Chatterpillar - more of a maggot these days - had an emotional Maisie and a very thankful Bill talking about having to dance two routines next week and how they're going to cope. It sounds like it's going to be...interesting, put it that way.

And so it was The Battle Of The Js as both gents revisited their routines. JJ was out first and, while it didn't go completely to Potts, he didn't seem to have picked up on the judges' comments and put the things that went wrong, right.

Having said that, Jamie was still a bit all over the place like an overenthusiastic spaniel. He seemed to forget the moves as well, which didn't help much. If anything, last night's was better for me.

The judges deliberated and cogitated and made some nicey nice comments. The panel was completely split again, with Head Judge Shirley getting the Emperor's Thumb and making the decision that...

JJ was eliminated. Ah, well. I did agree with the decision and I'm sure JJ will be relieved and overjoyed to see his family again. His exit speech was full of emotion and admiration for Amy, which was lovely to see.

Just five couples remain now until next week's semi-final. They're in touching distance of the glitterball, and it's still anyone's prize to win. Who will our finalists be? There's only one way to find out. Tune in next week for the penultimate blog of the year. Before you ask, no I am NOT doing a blog of the Christmas Special. One - because of the Covid business they can't do a proper mini competition so it's going to be a Best Bits compilation instead and, TWO - are you nuts? It's Christmas Day! I intend to be in a food induced slump clutching a nice glass of something alcoholic, not scribbling notes on a pad for later translation. I'm not that dedicated to the cause. So you only have two more weeks of this to endure. Until then.....

KEEP DANCING!!

THIS CHALMERS MAN - JJ SASHAYS AWAY

Tier You, Tier Me!

Hello again Strictly Superfans. Another week closer to the final, another week closer to Christmas. And another week closer to the end of 2020, the less said about which the better if we're being honest with each other. I can't be the only one hoping I'll wake up soon and see Bobby Ewing in the shower and I can declare it was all just 'the strangest dream'. Knowing my luck though, it'll be flipping Groundhog Day.

So, it's all change again this week. Motsi is back after Anton did a sterling job of keeping her seat warm for her. Back to hollers of 'YOU GO GIRL' and 'YOU TOTALLY SMASHED THAT' even if said dancer had forgotten all their steps, had a tantrum and face-planted into Dave Arch And His Amazing Orchestra (including the bassist who looks like Phill Jupitus). Some things you don't miss until they're gone, some things you don't realise are irritating until they return. Like haemorrhoids. Not that I don't like Motsi as a person and accomplished, knowledgeable dancer. She's just a bit shouty for me.

Speaking of which, the updated Lockdown rules means that Bruno will NOT be back for the final. No idea yet whether there'll be virtual judging - Telly Tonioli if you like, or if they're going to stick to the same thing they've been doing so far. Which would make more sense. And be the year Nobody Scored 40. Unless they give Shirl two paddles to use when she's finished perving enthusing over the male celebs.

I also hear a rumour that, because of the foreshortened series, they've ditched the rumba this year. Which is a bit of a relief because, while I accept it's a difficult dance, to me it's just 'walk, wiggle, pout, walk, wiggle, wiggle pout'. As HOTH will attest, I don't have a romantic cell in my body and can be pretty much bought off with a bottle of gin and a dark chocolate Bounty.

And so to the dancing. Next week is the Quarter Finals AND Musicals week so there was quite the incentive to do well and get the scores that might keep Maisie the couples out of the dance off. No pro opening number this week so we kicked straight off with Tess & Claudia doing the intros. Now, it might have been me, but Tess really looked like The Big Purple chocolate off of out of Quality Street. 

She also blended in with the studio colour scheme which was a bit disconcerting. Anyway, the judges were introduced, Motsi was welcomed back - fully bewigged and frocked up (I said frocked) and we were good to go.

Clara & Aljaz kicked us off with a Jive to River Deep, Mountain High by Tina Turner. It started so well with Clara channelling Tina Turner at her fiercest and sassiest. The she started dancing. I think it's fair to say it was a disarster dahling, as Craig would say. Poor Clara went off on the wrong foot practically from the first beat and never truly recovered despite her best efforts. While her kicks, flicks and retraction were pretty good, she missed steps, got out of time and at one point forgot what she was supposed to be doing altogether. The poor thing looked like a rabbit in headlights as she tried her best to get back on track but it was too late. Even Craig was sympathetic in his critique and a score of 19 out of 30 wasn't bad, considering.

Jermaine Jenas - who is or was apparently a fubbler (what we call a footballer round our gaff) read the terms and conditions. I'll be honest, I had my reading specs on at the time and thought he was Gareth Gates for a minute. Well, we are not a football house so it's not my fault I have no idea who he is. Seemed nice enough though.

Jamie & Karen were up next with a Tango to Tanguera by Sexteto Mayor. There was a bit of faffing around with a chess board at the beginning, as Len would have said, but flipping heck. Who was that and what have they done with the real Baron Von Biscuits? The absolute polar opposite of his usual giddy puppy, Jamie strode out with passion, attack, determination and - dare I say it - menace. He was sharp, driven and macho throughout the routine, leading Karen with a good, tight frame and no gapping. This was a fast dance with plenty of staccato head movements and drive through the floor. Jamie never dropped character and, although he occasionally got ahead of the music, his footwork was on point and he covered the floor well. I have to admit Jamie has grown on me each week and he might just well pull off a Kelvin, after all. The gambit paid off on the knight and, though I had to check, mate, a decent 24 out of 30 was scored.

Haaaarveeeey & Jaaaaneeeetteeee  brought us their Couples' Choice to Sky Full Of Stars by Coldplay. Incidentally, Son Of The House always used to cry when Coldplay came on the radio when he was a baby. And there was the very confusing dance routine when we were on a cruise once that seemed to involve gay zebras (don't ask - we've still not worked it out). It was Bring Out Yer Nan time on the VT which we could have done without. H & J came out in what looked suspiciously like Primark PJs, with the floor special effects showing a vertigo inducing high rise building - and I need no help with vertigo, trust me.

The routine started off with the usual contempowaft rolling around the floor and pointing at imaginary stuff, but quickly morphed into street commercial. Don't get me wrong, this was a cracking dance but it's nothing new to the Vowelly Challenged one. He does this kind of stuff all the time on his tours and spends weeks rehearsing it, so it was more a matter of learning the steps than a whole new way of dancing. That said, it was very, very good. A complicated mix of steps, changes of pace, lifts, tricks showed off what he could do to a T. He showed great rhythm and musicality, staying in synch with Janette all the way through. His energy was fab and he really performed. It might have been an unfortunate camera angle but he looked rather...happy at the end. He got Craig's GOAT (Greatest Of All Time, apparently, if you are Down With The Kids, which I am mos' def not) and the season's first top of the shop 30 out of 30.

Ranvir & Giovanni had to follow this with an American Smooth to I Say A Little Prayer by Aretha Franklin. Unfortunately, my spellcheck wanted to change 'Aretha' to 'urethra'. Frankly, I think it was taking the p!ss. Anyway, in a total change to last week's amazing Argentine, this was a gentle, romantic dance which allowed Ranvir to show another side of herself. A good confident solo start segued nicely into the dance proper and it looked like Ranvir was really enjoying herself. She has been improving week on week and really takes the judges' critiques on board - or at least Gio does when he's putting her through her paces. Her frame and top line were lovely and she was sleek and flowing across the floor. She handled some tricky footwork and reverse turns well and had a great connection with Gio. The lifts were a bit on the easy side - but that's better than her worrying about them and fluffing them during the dance. Her arms need a bit of refining and at one point she dropped her arm on Gio's shoulder like she was going for a Vulcan death grip. Good comments and tips for improvement from the panel earned her 24 out of 30. 

Bill & Oti then brought us a Jive to One Way Or Another by Blondie. I love Bill to bits - his live shows are worth every penny, trust me (his 'U2 when there's a power cut' is simply genius) but I think his hair has definitely had its day. His hairline has now gone so far back it's more like he has a neck fringe. I suppose it keeps him warm in winter and saves his a fortune in scarves, though. I enjoyed this routine so much. Bill's kicks, flicks and retractions were sharp and smart, he was in time and in synch throughout and just went out to entertain us. He was having a lot of fun, and it showed. There were a couple of little mistakes but he recovered well to get back on it (Shirl said he 'recuperated' - I didn't even know he'd been ill). Bill went hell for Leatherboy in this dance, throwing his all into it. He got a little bit carried away and sometimes got flat-footed and stompy, but it was still a great routine and you can't fault his stamina. Craig's comments got some booing from Anton in 'the cheap seats' (I'm honestly not missing the hysterical whoopin' & hollerin' of a studio audience) and another 24 out of 30 of the night was scored.

Bill weathers the leathers

JJ & Amy were our penultimate couple with a Viennese Waltz to Rescue by Lauren Daigle. JJ was in full Scottish traditional dress, looking every inch the proper Highlander - but, you know, with the proper accent. There was the usual VT with his wife and weans which would have brought a tear to a glass eye - it's obvious JJ is missing them so much and he's not seen them in the flesh for eight weeks. And so, with his family sporran him on (sorry), JJ took to the floor. This was a lovely, light, romantic dance full of content - including reverse turns and an attempt at a fleckl. There was a lot out of hold for a Viennese, but when he was with Amy his frame was good and there was no aberrant rise and fall. It was sweeping and graceful and he tried hard to be in character and lead Amy across the floor. Didn't quite work for me, but the judges thought he absolutely kilt it and he bag(piped) a very decent 25 out of 30.

And so we closed the show with Maisie & Gorka giving us a Quickstep to When You're Smiling by Andy Williams. Maisie was determined not to let a double dip dance off get to her and she came out with an absolute bang. Gorka had put absolutely everything into this routine to try to win the public over. There were Charleston steps, Golden Age of Hollywood nods, Fred & Ginger moments, the works. There was even a side-by-side cartwheel at one point. Maisie nailed it all. From dancing on a bench (Gorka weirdly crawling under it like he'd lost a contact lens) to clippy, skippy, trippy footwork across the floor, she handled it all without seeming to break a sweat. Her frame was fab, there was swing, sway, rhythm and synchronicity aplenty. She all out performed the dance this time and the difference showed. One teeny, tiny microscopic mistake spotted by Craig was all that stopped her from getting a full house. 29 out of 30 scored.

The gaps between the good and the great are starting to show now and the dance offs are going to get more & more difficult to call, let alone judge. It's still too early to call a winner, or even a favourite and I reckon this year's final will be closer than ever.

And Sunday is the night we find out who won't be making it to the Quarter Finals. Again, it's never clear who will be in the dance off, thanks to the fickle nature of The Great British Public - who of course vote for the person the like rather than what they did on the dancefloor. I mean, how long was Ann Widdecombe kept in? You see? That.

We had a somewhat bizarre opening pro dance with Greasy Arnold (Graziano) as a pinball wizard an 80s a go go entourage in neon Day-Glo clobber chucking kitchen strip lights around. Maybe they were putting the lighting rigging up and killed two birds with one stone. Certainly one of the oddest openers I've seen, put it that way.

Tess is having fewer and fewer couples to announce and so to try to rack up the tension the pauses before the dancers are called in the safe zone are getting longer and longer. I swear I'll have time to make a brew between them before long. It must have been an utter relief for Maisie when she was called safe first. It would have been so cruel for her to have been in the bottom two again - or left till near last before she got the nod (which is probably what I would have done but I'm evil like that. Finally we got round to the first celebrity in danger who was...

JAMIE

What the chuffing Nora? Were the viewers watching the same show as me? Jamie absolutely did not deserve to be in the bottom and I can only presume people didn't vote because they thought everyone else would. See what I mean about never knowing who would be in peril? He took it very well and with his usual cheery good humour. He really is quite hard to dishearten and I like that about him. He seems like the sort of chap you'd phone after a bad day and he'd instantly raise your mood. Plus he's minted and could get the drinks in so, winner!

The Chatterpillar on the stairs was nice enough - Claudia is pretty much always fun and on form which is probably why she landed the Radio Two job to replace Graham Norton on a Saturday morning. Blimey, her weekends are going to be busy - unless she calls in Alan  Mel to cover her Strictly weeks this year. I deliberately don't listen to the 'who is doing what next week' spoiler - so as to remain unbiased, of course. Well, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

The winners of this year's The Greatest Dancer - Michael and Jovita - came on to show us just why they won. I am a huge, huge fan of theirs and they got my vote every week. They performed a sensational routine with utterly breath taking choreography. Michael was twazzing Jovita around like a rag doll (that's a technical dance term, honest) and at one point she was spinning around his neck on some sort of rope for what seemed like a million revolutions. Astonishing. I'd love to see them become Strictly regulars - either in the group pro dances or as 'front row' dancer with their own celebs to teach. Imagine what they'd come up with?

The judges blah, blah, blahed again, running us through their thoughts from 'last night' and explaining some of the tricky bits. I went and got the cakes out of the fridge ready for watching His Dark Materials later. Bruno was on for all of three minutes - he probably had a Gregg's steak bake in the oven or something.

Tess returned and before we knew it, the second dancer in danger was announced as...

CLARA

This must have been disappointing for her, but she really did struggle with her dance the first time round so she was most likely expecting it. Even her army of Radio One fans wasn't enough to keep her head above the dance water this time. Lovely, positive and encouraging feedback from Craig really seemed to cheer her and Aljaz up a bit, but did it steady her nerves? We shall see.

Gary Barlow sang his new (well, normally sang with Mickey Bubbles and some other dude whose name escapes me right now) number Elita, while the pros (Greasy again, earning his keep) lolloped around the floor grinning like they wanted to be there and Gazza tried to look sexy. I've nothing against Mr B - I even like quite a few of his songs - it's just that this one will be my 3am earworm for the next few nights. Yes it's catchy. So is dysentery. I don't want that at 3am either.

So here we were again. Both couples reprised their routines and, gods love her, Clara came out and showed us what she was made of and what the dance should have looked like the first time round. She totally went for it and really showed the fight and determination to stay in the competition. It was miles better and I feel so sorry it went so badly wrong for her the first time because it was a corker of a routine.

Jamie performed as well as he did in the Saturday show - in fact, maybe even a smidgeon better. He went out to impress and stay his hardest to stay in - and stay with Karen. 

Then it was crunch time. The judges expressed that this was a very, very difficult decision to make. Craig voted for Clara, Motsi plumped for Jamie. So it was all down to Shirl to issue to coup d'etat...

CLARA was eliminated from the show. Such a shame as she was clearly enjoying the experience and coming out of her shell, but she is in a strong cohort this year and someone always has to leave. 

So, that was that. The Surviving Six go through to the Quarter Finals and Musicals Week. I'm already worried about what that will mean - although I'd pay good money to see a Rocky Horror Show opening dance with Jamie & Karen as Riff Raff and Magenta, Ranvir & Gio as Little Nell & Rocky, Bill as Eddie, HRVY as Dr Scott etc. Though knowing my luck they'd pitch Anton as Frank N Furter, which would totally put me off my kebab.

Your guess will be as good as mine about what's going to get shoehorned in chosen. So, tune in next week folks for more of my ramblings. Until then...

KEEEEP DANCING!!

AMFO IT CAME TO PASS, CLARA WAS KICKED OUT ON HER....OWN 

It's Blackpool Jim, But Not As We Know It

Greeting, Dance Fans. Well, here we are again. Doesn't time fly when you're not allowed to have fun? Ah well, soon be Christmas. Probably. If The Powers That Be let us, that is. Some nerk of an 'expert' suggested we postpone the celebrations for six months and have it at the end of June instead. What The Actual? He does understand the Christian Church's concept of the event, doesn't he? You know, why it is when it is? It's really not something you can put off like your Auntie Renee's 80th. Pillock. We usually go for a curry on Christmas Day but I've done a Sainsbury's order just in case (other supermarkets are available, of course, but Sainsbury's is literally five minutes away so it's a no-brainer). Not having turkey, though. Since when have I been a conformist? Haunch of venison at our gaff this Yuletide, thank you very much. Although I may concede and allow pigs in blankets for the males in the house. Just to keep the peace. Buggered if I'm waiting till mid-2021 for that.

Anyway, I had a sneaky peek at the dance choices this week and it seemed to be a fairly even split of traditional ballroom and Latin. I was once at a rather posh dinner dance, strutting my funky stuff on the dance floor (there was a disco - I wasn't just randomly throwing shapes during the soup course). A be-tuxed gent sidled over and told me I had 'a splendid Latin bottom', Naturally, I was about to lamp him one - you can take the girl out of Salford, after all - when he hurriedly explained that he meant I had very good isolation of my hips well suited to the Latin dances. Makes a change from telling a girl she's got nice boobs eyes, I suppose. That's the nearest I ever got to the world of ballroom (unless you count the MC Hammer pants fad in the 90s) and I never took him up on his offer to teach me the basics. Shame - I could have been the next Shirley Ballas. These days I'm more Burly Ballast so that time has long passed. It's why I waffle on here, really.

And so to the proper dancing. It SHOULD have been Blackpool week but, due to some pesky virus you might have heard of, the dancers couldn't venture there this week. So you are cruelly robbed of my Best Puns Ever. What do you mean 'thank heavens for that'? Cheek of it. Well, if that's your attitude I'll get on with the show.

We actually got a pro-dance opener this week. A medley of seaside & sun type tunes with the gang in summer get up and Our Tone being given a central role in the number. It was meant to bring the Spirit of Blackpool to Elstree but it reminded me more of Saturday Seaside Special shows when I was a nipper. Which is not necessarily a bad thing unless you're lactose intolerant. I mean, those shows were cheeeeeesy!

Now, some hard of thinking viewers have been bombarding social media like Keyboard Cat demanding to know why Katya can do the group dances when she's supposed to be quarantined. They obviously have the attention span of a gnat as, not only do Tess & Claudia explain all the group dances were recorded earlier in the year every blimming week, JOHANNES HAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT HAIR DO!! What do they think he does? Wind his 'locks in like a Girls World doll before dancing with Caroline? Honestly.

Right. Rant over. On with the state of the remaining eight.

Bill & Oti kicked off proceedings with a lovely American Smooth to I've Got You Under My Skin by Frank Sinatra. Bill is completely enjoying his Strictly experience and obviously puts the hours in at rehearsals. In traditional top hat & tails he was smooth, suave and sophisticated throughout the routine. He was light and fleet of foot with plenty of swing and sway. As in previous weeks, Bill's frame was super and his hands were, as Craig said, exquisite. There was some fun prop work with canes - with only a minor stumble or two from Bill. The side-by-side sections were good and in synch but he struggled a little with the Fred Astaire slides and his feet were a bit flat in the jumps. An entertaining routine overall which earned Bill 25 out of 30.

Maisie & Gorka were up next with a Salsa to Better When I'm Dancing by Meghan Trainor. Being in the bottom two last week really shook Maisie up and she was keen to show the judges were right to keep her in. And, boy, did show them what she was made of. She came out with a bang, full on shimmy, shake, party girl attitude (she is only 19, remember). Her hips had great rotation, isolation and the required figure-of-eight movements. The routine was jam packed with tricks - wrist-rippers, walkovers, spins, lifts & somersaults. There were a couple of heavy landings that Gorka chivalrously took the blame for, but overall this was a sassy, spirited and entertaining dance. She'd finally taken the judges' notes on board about her footwork and generally tidied everything up. I have no idea what Shirley was going on about 'feminine sensing zones' (nor does anyone else - I Googled) but Maisie scored an impressive 27 out of 30.

JJ & Amy followed with a Quickstep to Once In My Life by Stevie Wonder. There's a lot to like about JJ's dancing - he has a great top line and frame, he puts the hours in and he obviously enjoys himself. Unfortunately, compared to everyone else, he isn't really improving. He is still a bit stiff and, while a good central line suits the Quickstep, it translated too far down to his feet making his footwork stilted and jerky. He wasn't smooth and flowing this week and he got a bit bouncy through the shoulders. His scatter chasses were good though and he sang along as he covered the floor. Better than last week, but not as good as he has been. He split the judges with Craig being more critical and Anton overmarking. 25 out of 30 for the duo.

Clara & Aljaz brought us a Samba to That's The Way I Like It by KC & The Sunshine Band. Inexplicably dressed like chefs - which had no reference to the samba or the lyrics - Clara struggled a bit this week with the change of style. Well, I say a bit. I mean a lot, poor thing. From the outset her timing was off and she was about half a beat behind Aljaz all the way through. She stumbled steps, bodged beats and missed marks. For a samba it was pretty low on content, ploddy & ponderous. Clara seemed tentative and was low on energy and sparkle required for the dance. She had some good shimmy but her hip rotation let her down and I've seen more bounce in a half-deflated space hopper. Definitely a bogey dance for Clara and her leader board topping score from last week nose-dived to just 18 out of 30. 

Bouncy Biscuit Boy Jamie & Karen had picked a Couple's Choice Street Dance to I'm Going To Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) by C+C Music Factory. 'I'm going to make you sweat'? Is that supposed to be a chat up line? I'm not sure if that's romantic or a threat. Besides, my idea of a Couples' Choice is a large glass of Chardonnay and a pizza. Good job it's not the same for Jamie & Karen. Crikey, this was an energetic routine! Blasting out from the get go, the pace was relentless. Totally in character as a Bad Boi, Jamie completely threw himself into this dance. It was fast, fun, frenetic and FAB-U-LOUS. Mad changes of pace, fantastic footwork, tricky steps, a small attempt at breakdancing. The Strictly Superfans might have noticed some recycled moves from Karen's 'Let's Get Ready To Rhumble' routine with Chris Ramsey last year but it would be churlish to complain. Haring about like a toddler hopped up on Haribo and Sunny D, Jamie had a whale of a time. It's really obvious he and Karen get on like a house on fire (not in a Strictly Curse kind of way) and their friendship shone throughout. He got an AMAZING from Craig and a dizzying near perfect score of 29 out of 30.

Haaaarveeeey & Jaaaaneeeetteeee had to follow this with a Tango to Golden by Harry Styles. Again, not exactly Tango music and I, for one, found it a bit jarring. All Styles over substance, if you will. Nice choreography but for me it all looked a bit square peg, round hole. The masked ball concept was okay - and I'm sure my dad had that jacket in the 70s - but the pace was a tad too fast for a Tango with no time to really show off the lines it needs to look impressive. The Vowelless One had plenty of attack, power and drive in the routine and his staccato pieces were good. He had issues with his footwork though and made a few mistakes, although he did his best to cover them up. His frame was wobbly and his hands were like spades on Janette's back. The panel was still impressed with the content and gave him 26 out of 30.

And then came Caroline & Johannes with a Cha Cha Cha to Rescue Me by Fontella Bass. If backstage gossip is anything to go by, this song choice was Johannes' covert cry for help. Saints preserve us but what the HECK? The story of the dance was Johannes being a brave firefighter coming to Caroline's aid. Allegedly. I'm not sure what she was aiming for but she was less Damsel in Distress than Damned Mess In Dis-Dress. She looked like a Frankenstein's mash up of Mrs Slocombe from 'Are You Being Served' and Miss Hannigan from 'Annie'.

Where do I start with this? Caroline mugged & gurned her way through the routine trying to add 'comedy' (I use that term loosely on advice from my lawyers) to a dance that didn't need it. She was going full on Anton, side glances at the camera, half-drunkenly clinging on to Johannes, at one point LICKING HIS ARM! Have some decorum, love. Hasn't the man suffered enough already? I'm betting that wasn't part of Johannes' original choreography. She certainly put the Desperate in Desperate Housewives. Having said that, her footwork was decent enough, she had some nice lines and elegant legs. Her frame was good in hold and she stayed in time and in synch with Johannes. Shirley raved about Caroline's ankles again. I've not so much got cankles (calves & ankles merging) as shankles (shoulders & ankles) so this may colour my view of things. A slightly overmarked 24 out of 30 scored.

Ranvir & Giovanni closed the show with the series' first Argentine Tango to When Doves Cry by Prince. Blimey - it was steamier than a sauna on the dancefloor. Pre-watershed, too (she says, channelling Mary Whitehouse). Gio looked blisteringly hot in sprayed on kecks and guy-liner (I totally take back my earlier Kevin The Gerbil sex face remark) and Ranvir smouldered on the verge of bursting into flame. Goodness. It was sultry, sexy, powerful and dramatic, oozing sensuality. The attraction was almost palpable - even if they were just 'pretending' - eyes locked, tight contact and near-miss-kisses. It was seduction on the screen at its finest. I had to go and have a lie down with a damp cloth on my forehead afterwards. Ranvir coped really well with tricky steps and footwork. Her ganchos weren't quite sharp enough and she needed a bit more retraction on the flicks but, my word this was electrifying to watch. Shirl came over all unnecessary in her critique, coming across like one of Harry Enfield's Randy Old Ladies. Even Craig had to tell her to wind her neck in and Ranvir squeaked that her mum was watching. A very solid 27 out of 30 with the couple's first 10 of the series.

And that was that. All eight had done what they could and all that was left was to wait until the results show. The judges' scores are one thing but, at the end of it all, the decision lies with the public who hold the Fates of the contestants in their hands like the Gods on Mount Olympus.

Monday Eve rolled around as it usually does and we all tuned in to see who was going to get the chop.  Last night I accidentally tuned into The Wall with Danny Dyer - or 'The Whoa' as His Cockneyship calls it. At least I know where HRVY's vowels have gone now - there's barely a consonant in Danny's diction. Mind you. I reckon he really sounds like Sir Ian McKellan and has to get into Artful Dodger character backstage. Sort of Eliza Dolittle in reverse. I'm ashamed to say I got hooked to the premise and had to watch another episode on catch up. So sue me - I can't be all Portrait Artist Of The Year and University Challenge.

The Results show opened with a lovely contempowaft dance by the pros to Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. Nice gentle routine but the pink & grey outfits did make it look kinda like of one of those rehearsed wedding dances Bridezillas makes everyone learn and you can't wait for it to be over so you can make a beeline for the buffet.

Bruno beamed in with his usual OTT schtick we've not really missed much. And, to be fair, he doesn't get much airtime with it at the top of the show. Which is probably a good thing.

You know the drill by now. Tess and the drummer - or more likely a backing track - become As One to impart to us who will dance again next week. I do wish one week she'd think 'Sack it' and just blurt out who the bottom two were before sloping off for a cheeky bifter behind the bins (that's a quick cigarette for the mucky minded). Alas, this was not to be this week and she followed the usual formula, finally revealing that CAROLINE was the first dancer in danger. She tried the old 'didn't win the Oscar but I have to clap the winner' face / attitude but I didn't quite buy it. She seemed a wee bit surprised to he here - and even Shirley said she was surprised she was in the bottom two.

Claud's Caterpillar Of Chat / Queue of Quips whatever you want to call it gave the couples a chance to reflect on the week, how they'd really been feeling and what a relief it was to be through. It's actually better with them being spoken to one couple at a time, as the previous 'all in the Clauditorium together' sometimes ended up with one celebrity hogging the camera (I'm looking at you Karim 'I'd turn up to the opening of someone's bowels' Zeroual. I still remember him being hoiked backwards by the scruff of his next when he tried to careen onto the stage to be first to be on camera congratulate Kelvin & Oti.

Billy Ocean rocked up and gave us a nice medley of his past hits. Ah, that took me back to my yoof. Again, most likely to have been filmed earlier this year before people start writing to Points Of View making idiots of themselves. We had the judges' recaps and comments. I don't know what they said, mind. I was busy making a vodka martini (shaken, not stirred, natch) for me and HOTH. Probably Craig & Shirley trying to out snark each other or something. Shirley STILL didn't elaborate on 'feminine sensing zones' so we're none the wiser.

Tess and The Timpani Of Terror resumed to further whittle down the contenders until our second dancer-offerer was announced as MAISIE.

Maisie again? The poor thing. I know some people think she comes across a bit cocky and arrogant - much like Pixie Lott in a previous series - but, come on folks. Her dance last night was good. And better than some others who might have been kept in for sentimental reasons. What is she going to have to do to prove herself? I'm not her biggest fan by any means but I do hope her spirit isn't crushed knowing Strictly fans don't like her.

So - Caroline v Maisie. Battle of the Latin dances. You saw it, right? Well, we had to see it again. But I suppose it's the only way to decide who has to go. Unless they announce who got the lowest number of votes and they get to do a Trump and carry on claiming they've won. Jousting is out of the question - imagine the poo on the dancefloor - never mind what the horses might drop. Or, or, or maybe they should do what Dancing On Ice does and have all the couples learn a completely different elimination dance routine - everyone getting the same dance & music? That'd put the cat among the pigeons for sure having to have to knock together a quick Charleston or a rapid Rumba <note to self - add to earlier ideas to pitch to production>. If it happens next series you know where they got the idea.

Maisie danced first - adding even more spark and energy, and landing the tricks much better . A cleaner dance overall.. Caroline. Caroline. Erm. Well, at least she didn't lick Johannes' arm this time round. Which he was probably thankful for. And so was I, if I'm honest.

Of course, it was a completely foregone conclusion and the judges unanimously voted to keep Maisie in to dance another day. As if it was going to be any otherwise. Caroline did her best 'had a lovely time, friends for life, love Johannes' bit but  he looked bloody relieved he doesn't have to dance with her next week, put it that way. And that was it for this week. 

You'll have to tune in next Saturday to see what our Magnificent Seven have in store. Until then......

KEEP DANCING!!

WOMAN DANCING BEHAVING BADLY - CAROLINE IS UP THE (JONATHAN) CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE