Hello again, dance fans. It doesn't seem like five minutes since we were last here dissecting the dances, chatting about cha chas, waffling about waltzes and all that jazz. Just one more week to go until the champion is crowned and I get my weekends back from this malarkey. I jest - I love doing this. I get to be bitchy about people I don't personally know, about a subject I have very little experience of, all while embibing a jolly nice glass of something alcoholic in nature. Now, don't get me wrong. I drink very responsibly. I never spill a drop.
Christmas is also just around the corner. At the minute I'm seeing more of the Amazon delivery guy than I am of HOTH. The spare room is looking like an outreach of the post office and there's enough cardboard to keep the recycling chaos busy until Easter. And that's just HOTH's pressies!
But on to why we're really here. IT'S SEMI FINAL WEEK! Our quality quintet are nearly at the end of their journey. They've wheeled out kids, cats, parents, parrots, grans, grandads, pets & perky poppets galore to try and win our votes hearts. There's not many more relatives they can drag out. At least Covid has spared us from the obligatory visit back the the celebs' old school while they perform their piece to a load of bored tots who don't really have a clue who they are, but are just excited that they get to miss maths. I know how they feel. It was like when they wheeled the big telly out when I was at school (no, it wasn't black & white you cheeky sods - but it was in a wooden cabinet). Ah, those were the days. How We Used To Live, Picture Box and Jigsaw. Which brought us the frankly terrifying Mr Noseybonk.
Well, our couples won't have to fret. They've only got the judges to worry about. Mind you, Craig can be a right one when he gets going - though he does seem to have been milder on the dancers this year. Must be getting soft in his old age.
This week each couple has to do TWO dances for our delictation, which means double the delight. Or twice the twaddle, depending on how much choreo has stuck in. I'd be terrible. I'd probably break into \ Charleston half way through an Argentine. I don't think Craig would be too impressed seeing birdy flaps instead of ganchos. Although it might liven things up a bit.
So, how did they do? Lay on Macduff, as Billy Shakespeare once wrote. Come with me and you'll see, there's a world of pure dancimation (I know that's not a word but it sort of scans).
The audience were back this week, suitably socially distanced, sanitised and masked up. Can you imagine what aliens / distant future archaeologists are going to make of the footage? They'll probably think we were all into kinky stuff set to music. All the Covid precautions didn't stop them whooping & hollering like Howler Monkeys on the Stella, though. Well, mainly. But more of that later.
Jamie & Karen opened the show with a Salsa to Last Dance by Donna Summer. After a lengthy VT section of family & friends, including his usually reticent dad wishing him luck, Jimmy Biscuits was more Broken Biscuits, bless his little pure-silk-from-the-tails-of-unicorns socks. Well, this was a smashing little number, full on disco-salsa fun. Jamie got the party started with an 'anything goes' routine with some tricky steps and jaw-dropping lifts. I mean, at one point he was probably closer to Karen than her gynaecologist has ever been. They did a double section of wrist-ripper bum slides along with the basic salsa steps and the routine was high energy, high tempo, highly entertaining. His hip rotation wasn't as present as it could have been, he was a little flat footed and his free arm looked like it was having a party of its own. A good effort but he still only scored his now routine 24 out of 30, despite looking more like Andy Bell off of out of Erasure than ever,
JAMIE & KAREN AWAIT THEIR SCORES
Rob Brydon popped up to do the Terms & Conditions, pointing out he wasn't Anton. Apparently he gets mobbed by Fantons all the time who mistake him for Tony Beak. Should've gone to Specsavers, ladies. I was disappointed he didn't do his Ken Bruce impression. He once stood in for Uncle Ken for a whole show, being 'Ken' and late tuners in didn't notice the difference. I wonder if he played 'It Should Have Bryn Me'?
Ranvir & Giovanni followed with a wonderful Waltz to Un Giorni Per Noi by Josh Groban. Ranvir's VTs were all about how much she has grown confidence, come out of her shell and started believing in herself. It's something Gio seems to excel at - bringing the most of out of his partners and making them feel good about themselves. This was a beautiful dance, full of grace, style & emotion. Ranvir was light, sweeping across the floor with a wonderful frame and top line - which the judges have said is as good as any pro's. The choreography was simple & understated with some lovely spins, turns & fleckerls as well as the requisite rise and fall. Her footwork wasn't as clean as it could have been and her balance wobbled a couple of times, Craig saying her dress hid a multitude of sins. Shirley praised her arms, saying they were very 'eloquent'. I think someone should get her a thesaurus for her Secret Santa. A decent score of 26 out of 30 nonetheless.
Bill & Oti were up next with a cracking Charleston to Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey by Ottilie Paterson with Chris Barber. Apparently Bill is really called Mark, but a teacher nicknamed his Bill after this song and it stuck. Which was very handy. Flipping heck. Oti must have put every single Charleston step in the history of the dance in this number. I mean, it had EVERYTHING! Bill, as usual, had great character, throwing himself into the routine with enthusiasm and gusto. His side by side sections with Oti were totally in sync, his timing was great and his stamina never flagged despite the tempo. He pulled all the right goofy faces and looked like he was having a whale of a time. Most important of all - he had stupendous swivel in his feet. He was a little stiff through his upper body but overall he was impressive - with Craig even changing the lyrics in his critique to 'Don't You Go Home, Bill Bailey'. Just 25 out of 30 scored, though.
Maisie & Gorka brought us a Couple's Choice with a Street Dance / Commercial to Gettin' Jiggy Wit It by Will Smith. Now, you see, this is why I'm not a judge. I'm sure it was very technical and all that, but it just left me...cold. And I'm not alone. A lot of the people I chat to about Strictly said exactly the same. Nothing against Maisie Three Expressions (honestly, she's the Colin Farrell of dance. All he can do is 'baffled', 'angry baffled' & 'happy baffled') but, for me, it was missing something. It was like one of those end-of-term talent shows we had to sit through on Christmas Holiday break up day where you sorta like the kids, but wish they'd have done something else. Like not bother. Or hurry up so the teachers would put the Chilly Willy films on. For me it was all a bit cliched. Basketball court set - check. Jock letter jackets - check. Bad breakdancing - check. Apparently, breakdancing is going to be a 'showcase' sport in the 2024 Olympics. I shan't start polishing my lino just yet. But I suppose it must have been good. The judges raved over it like it was The Second Coming and Shirl declared it one of the best numbers she had ever seen. No, Shirl. No it wasn't. Did y'all miss the completely fudged up leg-ography and the bits where she was ahead of the beat? They must have because Maisie scored a full house 30 out of 30. I'm with Colin Farrell on this one. Baffled.
Haaaaaarveeeeeey & Jnt ended Round One with a Rumba to Only You by - according to the BBC site - Kylie Minogue and James Corden. Kylie & Corden? Kylie & bloody Corden? I think you'll find it was Yazoo, mate. I should know, it's my karaoke go to. Now, you know my feelings on the rumba. Walk, walk, wiggle, wave, pout, wiggle, cuddle. Bleurgh. I told you I'm allergic to romance. Don't get me started with that 'Love You To The Moon & Back' stuff. You know that's fewer than 500,000 miles, right? I mean, I wouldn't want to walk it but, universally speaking, it's like saying you love someone to the corner shop & back. The Proclaimers have probably walked that be now anyway. So, yeah. The rumba. This was NOT his dance. It wasn't romantic or sexy and there was no flow. You could hear the poor floor manager trying to gee the audience into cheering & clapping. The Consonantaphile didn't seem to get to grips with the routine at all. He was completely stop/start, clunking from one move to the next, standing about a lot while Janette wafted about. His footwork was poor - pigeon toed throughout the dance and he got off balance more than once. The lowest score of the night so far, just 23 out of 30.
And so to Part Two. Each celeb had a VT section from the judges this time, commenting on their improvements, what the judges liked and their best bits so far. Fewer tears all round then.
Jamie & Karen kicked off the second half with a Quickstep to Thank God I'm A Country Boy by John Denver. This was a...different style of Quickstep. More barn dance / hoe down with not all the usual steps you'd normally expect. There was a lot of faffing & dancing on benches, a CGI menagerie of farm animals and a haystack in there, but it was fun. Jamie had a massive grin on his face, clearly enjoying every second - as was I. It was light, clippy & tidy - although Jamie lost timing on a couple of occasions as he got a bit giddy. He didn't shirk any of the steps though and was mostly in sync with Karen. The judges seemed to like it, but the poor lad STILL only scored 24 out of 30.
Ranvir & Giovanni's second dance was a Jive to Candyman by Christina Aguilera (how come she can say it three times without this dude turning up to put a dent in her day)
I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS HERE....
Bill & Oti ended their night with a Tango to Enter Sandman by Metallica. Yes, you read that right. Metallica. Maybe Bill & I should team up to write Metallica The Musical, since I would love to do a Viennese waltz to Nothing Else Matters by them. A Paso to Master of Puppets & we're sorted. Dave Arch was in his element getting his rock on to this. Bill was playing air guitar as well here. He had very good drive & attack, great eye contact and partnership with Oti and he built the atmosphere with staccato head turns and flamenco steps. His footwork was off, though, and there was no V shaping. His shoulders were a bit hunched and he had some balance issues. Although claiming to be a heavy metal fan, Shirley proper tore into him - leading to Craig encouraging the crowd to boo her for a change. Perhaps it was too much of a stretch for Strictly and Bill scored 23 out of 30.
Maisie &Gorka slowed things down with a Viennese Waltz to A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. As you know, Maisie hasn't done a lot of ballroom numbers - and I don't know why. This was by far a better dance than her earlier one. It was lyrical, lovely and light. Maisie was flowing and smooth, keeping the rise & fall in check and her frame was elegant, finishing all of her extensions and lines. The footwork was on point - Shirley standing and watching like a hawk to make sure - and the partnership between the pair was sweet. Not sure what the guitar brought to the dance (poor Maisie couldn't even mime playing it) but the judges liked it and awarded 29 out of 30.
YVRH & Janette Manraraskirt closed the show with their Charleston to Another Day Of Sun by the La La Land cast. This was more like it. Janette had been following the Oti Chuck It All In School of Choreography and everything was in there but the kitchen sink. It didn't have quite the same atmosphere as Bill's, but it was still fun to watch. Loads of tricks, flips & lifts, bags of swivel, great musicality head to toe. He performed with plenty of pizzazz & attitude, though he did get out of sync with Janette a couple of times. Not that the judges cared noticed, mind. Motsi got unnecessarily hysterical, saying he'd be back next year as a pro (err...Motsi, you DID watch the rumba, right?). A top of the shop 30 out of 30.
And that was that. Ten dances done & dusted. The celebs had done everything they could and now it was down to the popularity vote to see who would survive through to the final.
Monday Eve - AKA Sunday - reared its little head once more. HOTH, SOTH & I got our festive on and decorated the house & Christmas tree. I even made some very disturbing shepherds and a 'sheep' like looks like an early version of Dolly The Clone (the ones they don't show on TV). Look, nobody has the impression I'm the next Damien Hirst, okay. More Damn It Hurts, if I'm honest.
The pro dance started with a mean & moody Aljaz, barefoot Karen on a rotating stagey bit, then Greasy Arnold barging in and it all getting funky to Kate Bush's Running Up That Hill. The rest of the pros posed theatrically, basically acting as the set & props. I had flashbacks to the Gay Zebra all over again.
Tess didn't have much to do, really. Five couples, two in the dance off? It was never going to take long, was it?
The first Dance Off denizen was....
RANVIR
Oh well. She must have had an inkling she would be in danger this week. The judges' comments were harsh on both occasions and she was at the bottom end of the leader-board at the end of 'last night'. As we know, it only takes one duff night to stick a spanner in your Strictly works - and poor Ranvir had the whole toolbox dumped on her.
Up in the Clauditorium, Maisie was told she was the youngest ever finalist, at which she went bananas. Well, it's not exactly rocket science, Mais. You're the youngest flipping contestant. And in some fab news, Janette will be in her first ever final next week! I know, madness isn't it? Eight years on Strictly and not a sniff of the final.
Two thirds of Little Knicks - sorry, Little Mix (they'll catch their deaths in those outfits they usually wear) belted out their latest for our entertainment, while Johannes & Luba strutted their funky stuff. I don't know where the other two were - maybe they weren't keen on the outfits they'd been given. One of the poor things looked like she'd been in a fight with a candlewick bedspread and Big Bird. And lost.
The judges did their bit while I served up the profiteroles I'd got free with my frozen food shop. Let's say it was from, oh, I don't know..Greenland? Very nice they were, too. The profiteroles, not the judges. Rumour has it Bruno is earning £33,000 A MINUTE! Not a bad gig if you can get it. That'd keep you in Werther's wouldn't it?
Quick visit back to Tess and we knew who would be joining Ranvir in the dance off. It was...
JAMIE
Poor Baron Von Biscuits. He's been at the bottom more times than the soggy Hob Nob I dunk in my cuppa. Yes, I know he's not technically brilliant and is starting to look a bit out of his depth but the joy he brings when he dances is off the scale. Craig was particularly effusive in his encouragement to Jamie, telling him they'd put him through every time because they know what he can do.
Claud had a chat with Bill about his Strictly experience and to say he's had a good time is a bit like saying Everest is quite high. Or water is a bit damp. You get the picture.
Jamie chose to reprise his salsa from Saturday. Unsurprisingly, Ranvir had chosen to do her waltz again. No way was she going to do that jive EVER again, if she could help it. It was all going to be down to who impressed the judges most. As you know, I'm no expert but Jamie went for it even better than on Saturday, nailing his bum spin (so to speak). Ranvir was, again, beautiful and elegant. It was going to be a close call.
It was very, very difficult. Craig was deliberating for some time and seemed to change his mind a couple of times before saving Jamie. Motsi was quicker off the announcing she was saving Ranvir. Another week, another split decision from the judges. Maybe they're just doing it to make Our Shirl feel useful as she had the casting vote as Head Judge. And so she made decision. The dancer going home, falling at the semi-final hurdle was.....
RANVIR. There's no doubting she had a great time and has grown so much. I will miss her, though. She has a humble grace & humility that seems very genuine. She even apologised to Giovanni for being voted out, bless her. Long may she continue to dance.
And so we have our finalists: BILL, HRVY, JAMIE & MAISIE. Who's your money on? It's going to be a close one, that's for sure. Join me next week for the last instalment, hopefully with my assistant lending a paw again.
Until then, KEEEEEEEEP DANCING!!!
SUCH A SHAME SHE'S AN ALSO RAN-VIR, PIPPED AT THE POST
I'll just leave this here again.
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