Tier You, Tier Me!

Hello again Strictly Superfans. Another week closer to the final, another week closer to Christmas. And another week closer to the end of 2020, the less said about which the better if we're being honest with each other. I can't be the only one hoping I'll wake up soon and see Bobby Ewing in the shower and I can declare it was all just 'the strangest dream'. Knowing my luck though, it'll be flipping Groundhog Day.

So, it's all change again this week. Motsi is back after Anton did a sterling job of keeping her seat warm for her. Back to hollers of 'YOU GO GIRL' and 'YOU TOTALLY SMASHED THAT' even if said dancer had forgotten all their steps, had a tantrum and face-planted into Dave Arch And His Amazing Orchestra (including the bassist who looks like Phill Jupitus). Some things you don't miss until they're gone, some things you don't realise are irritating until they return. Like haemorrhoids. Not that I don't like Motsi as a person and accomplished, knowledgeable dancer. She's just a bit shouty for me.

Speaking of which, the updated Lockdown rules means that Bruno will NOT be back for the final. No idea yet whether there'll be virtual judging - Telly Tonioli if you like, or if they're going to stick to the same thing they've been doing so far. Which would make more sense. And be the year Nobody Scored 40. Unless they give Shirl two paddles to use when she's finished perving enthusing over the male celebs.

I also hear a rumour that, because of the foreshortened series, they've ditched the rumba this year. Which is a bit of a relief because, while I accept it's a difficult dance, to me it's just 'walk, wiggle, pout, walk, wiggle, wiggle pout'. As HOTH will attest, I don't have a romantic cell in my body and can be pretty much bought off with a bottle of gin and a dark chocolate Bounty.

And so to the dancing. Next week is the Quarter Finals AND Musicals week so there was quite the incentive to do well and get the scores that might keep Maisie the couples out of the dance off. No pro opening number this week so we kicked straight off with Tess & Claudia doing the intros. Now, it might have been me, but Tess really looked like The Big Purple chocolate off of out of Quality Street. 

She also blended in with the studio colour scheme which was a bit disconcerting. Anyway, the judges were introduced, Motsi was welcomed back - fully bewigged and frocked up (I said frocked) and we were good to go.

Clara & Aljaz kicked us off with a Jive to River Deep, Mountain High by Tina Turner. It started so well with Clara channelling Tina Turner at her fiercest and sassiest. The she started dancing. I think it's fair to say it was a disarster dahling, as Craig would say. Poor Clara went off on the wrong foot practically from the first beat and never truly recovered despite her best efforts. While her kicks, flicks and retraction were pretty good, she missed steps, got out of time and at one point forgot what she was supposed to be doing altogether. The poor thing looked like a rabbit in headlights as she tried her best to get back on track but it was too late. Even Craig was sympathetic in his critique and a score of 19 out of 30 wasn't bad, considering.

Jermaine Jenas - who is or was apparently a fubbler (what we call a footballer round our gaff) read the terms and conditions. I'll be honest, I had my reading specs on at the time and thought he was Gareth Gates for a minute. Well, we are not a football house so it's not my fault I have no idea who he is. Seemed nice enough though.

Jamie & Karen were up next with a Tango to Tanguera by Sexteto Mayor. There was a bit of faffing around with a chess board at the beginning, as Len would have said, but flipping heck. Who was that and what have they done with the real Baron Von Biscuits? The absolute polar opposite of his usual giddy puppy, Jamie strode out with passion, attack, determination and - dare I say it - menace. He was sharp, driven and macho throughout the routine, leading Karen with a good, tight frame and no gapping. This was a fast dance with plenty of staccato head movements and drive through the floor. Jamie never dropped character and, although he occasionally got ahead of the music, his footwork was on point and he covered the floor well. I have to admit Jamie has grown on me each week and he might just well pull off a Kelvin, after all. The gambit paid off on the knight and, though I had to check, mate, a decent 24 out of 30 was scored.

Haaaarveeeey & Jaaaaneeeetteeee  brought us their Couples' Choice to Sky Full Of Stars by Coldplay. Incidentally, Son Of The House always used to cry when Coldplay came on the radio when he was a baby. And there was the very confusing dance routine when we were on a cruise once that seemed to involve gay zebras (don't ask - we've still not worked it out). It was Bring Out Yer Nan time on the VT which we could have done without. H & J came out in what looked suspiciously like Primark PJs, with the floor special effects showing a vertigo inducing high rise building - and I need no help with vertigo, trust me.

The routine started off with the usual contempowaft rolling around the floor and pointing at imaginary stuff, but quickly morphed into street commercial. Don't get me wrong, this was a cracking dance but it's nothing new to the Vowelly Challenged one. He does this kind of stuff all the time on his tours and spends weeks rehearsing it, so it was more a matter of learning the steps than a whole new way of dancing. That said, it was very, very good. A complicated mix of steps, changes of pace, lifts, tricks showed off what he could do to a T. He showed great rhythm and musicality, staying in synch with Janette all the way through. His energy was fab and he really performed. It might have been an unfortunate camera angle but he looked rather...happy at the end. He got Craig's GOAT (Greatest Of All Time, apparently, if you are Down With The Kids, which I am mos' def not) and the season's first top of the shop 30 out of 30.

Ranvir & Giovanni had to follow this with an American Smooth to I Say A Little Prayer by Aretha Franklin. Unfortunately, my spellcheck wanted to change 'Aretha' to 'urethra'. Frankly, I think it was taking the p!ss. Anyway, in a total change to last week's amazing Argentine, this was a gentle, romantic dance which allowed Ranvir to show another side of herself. A good confident solo start segued nicely into the dance proper and it looked like Ranvir was really enjoying herself. She has been improving week on week and really takes the judges' critiques on board - or at least Gio does when he's putting her through her paces. Her frame and top line were lovely and she was sleek and flowing across the floor. She handled some tricky footwork and reverse turns well and had a great connection with Gio. The lifts were a bit on the easy side - but that's better than her worrying about them and fluffing them during the dance. Her arms need a bit of refining and at one point she dropped her arm on Gio's shoulder like she was going for a Vulcan death grip. Good comments and tips for improvement from the panel earned her 24 out of 30. 

Bill & Oti then brought us a Jive to One Way Or Another by Blondie. I love Bill to bits - his live shows are worth every penny, trust me (his 'U2 when there's a power cut' is simply genius) but I think his hair has definitely had its day. His hairline has now gone so far back it's more like he has a neck fringe. I suppose it keeps him warm in winter and saves his a fortune in scarves, though. I enjoyed this routine so much. Bill's kicks, flicks and retractions were sharp and smart, he was in time and in synch throughout and just went out to entertain us. He was having a lot of fun, and it showed. There were a couple of little mistakes but he recovered well to get back on it (Shirl said he 'recuperated' - I didn't even know he'd been ill). Bill went hell for Leatherboy in this dance, throwing his all into it. He got a little bit carried away and sometimes got flat-footed and stompy, but it was still a great routine and you can't fault his stamina. Craig's comments got some booing from Anton in 'the cheap seats' (I'm honestly not missing the hysterical whoopin' & hollerin' of a studio audience) and another 24 out of 30 of the night was scored.

Bill weathers the leathers

JJ & Amy were our penultimate couple with a Viennese Waltz to Rescue by Lauren Daigle. JJ was in full Scottish traditional dress, looking every inch the proper Highlander - but, you know, with the proper accent. There was the usual VT with his wife and weans which would have brought a tear to a glass eye - it's obvious JJ is missing them so much and he's not seen them in the flesh for eight weeks. And so, with his family sporran him on (sorry), JJ took to the floor. This was a lovely, light, romantic dance full of content - including reverse turns and an attempt at a fleckl. There was a lot out of hold for a Viennese, but when he was with Amy his frame was good and there was no aberrant rise and fall. It was sweeping and graceful and he tried hard to be in character and lead Amy across the floor. Didn't quite work for me, but the judges thought he absolutely kilt it and he bag(piped) a very decent 25 out of 30.

And so we closed the show with Maisie & Gorka giving us a Quickstep to When You're Smiling by Andy Williams. Maisie was determined not to let a double dip dance off get to her and she came out with an absolute bang. Gorka had put absolutely everything into this routine to try to win the public over. There were Charleston steps, Golden Age of Hollywood nods, Fred & Ginger moments, the works. There was even a side-by-side cartwheel at one point. Maisie nailed it all. From dancing on a bench (Gorka weirdly crawling under it like he'd lost a contact lens) to clippy, skippy, trippy footwork across the floor, she handled it all without seeming to break a sweat. Her frame was fab, there was swing, sway, rhythm and synchronicity aplenty. She all out performed the dance this time and the difference showed. One teeny, tiny microscopic mistake spotted by Craig was all that stopped her from getting a full house. 29 out of 30 scored.

The gaps between the good and the great are starting to show now and the dance offs are going to get more & more difficult to call, let alone judge. It's still too early to call a winner, or even a favourite and I reckon this year's final will be closer than ever.

And Sunday is the night we find out who won't be making it to the Quarter Finals. Again, it's never clear who will be in the dance off, thanks to the fickle nature of The Great British Public - who of course vote for the person the like rather than what they did on the dancefloor. I mean, how long was Ann Widdecombe kept in? You see? That.

We had a somewhat bizarre opening pro dance with Greasy Arnold (Graziano) as a pinball wizard an 80s a go go entourage in neon Day-Glo clobber chucking kitchen strip lights around. Maybe they were putting the lighting rigging up and killed two birds with one stone. Certainly one of the oddest openers I've seen, put it that way.

Tess is having fewer and fewer couples to announce and so to try to rack up the tension the pauses before the dancers are called in the safe zone are getting longer and longer. I swear I'll have time to make a brew between them before long. It must have been an utter relief for Maisie when she was called safe first. It would have been so cruel for her to have been in the bottom two again - or left till near last before she got the nod (which is probably what I would have done but I'm evil like that. Finally we got round to the first celebrity in danger who was...

JAMIE

What the chuffing Nora? Were the viewers watching the same show as me? Jamie absolutely did not deserve to be in the bottom and I can only presume people didn't vote because they thought everyone else would. See what I mean about never knowing who would be in peril? He took it very well and with his usual cheery good humour. He really is quite hard to dishearten and I like that about him. He seems like the sort of chap you'd phone after a bad day and he'd instantly raise your mood. Plus he's minted and could get the drinks in so, winner!

The Chatterpillar on the stairs was nice enough - Claudia is pretty much always fun and on form which is probably why she landed the Radio Two job to replace Graham Norton on a Saturday morning. Blimey, her weekends are going to be busy - unless she calls in Alan  Mel to cover her Strictly weeks this year. I deliberately don't listen to the 'who is doing what next week' spoiler - so as to remain unbiased, of course. Well, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

The winners of this year's The Greatest Dancer - Michael and Jovita - came on to show us just why they won. I am a huge, huge fan of theirs and they got my vote every week. They performed a sensational routine with utterly breath taking choreography. Michael was twazzing Jovita around like a rag doll (that's a technical dance term, honest) and at one point she was spinning around his neck on some sort of rope for what seemed like a million revolutions. Astonishing. I'd love to see them become Strictly regulars - either in the group pro dances or as 'front row' dancer with their own celebs to teach. Imagine what they'd come up with?

The judges blah, blah, blahed again, running us through their thoughts from 'last night' and explaining some of the tricky bits. I went and got the cakes out of the fridge ready for watching His Dark Materials later. Bruno was on for all of three minutes - he probably had a Gregg's steak bake in the oven or something.

Tess returned and before we knew it, the second dancer in danger was announced as...

CLARA

This must have been disappointing for her, but she really did struggle with her dance the first time round so she was most likely expecting it. Even her army of Radio One fans wasn't enough to keep her head above the dance water this time. Lovely, positive and encouraging feedback from Craig really seemed to cheer her and Aljaz up a bit, but did it steady her nerves? We shall see.

Gary Barlow sang his new (well, normally sang with Mickey Bubbles and some other dude whose name escapes me right now) number Elita, while the pros (Greasy again, earning his keep) lolloped around the floor grinning like they wanted to be there and Gazza tried to look sexy. I've nothing against Mr B - I even like quite a few of his songs - it's just that this one will be my 3am earworm for the next few nights. Yes it's catchy. So is dysentery. I don't want that at 3am either.

So here we were again. Both couples reprised their routines and, gods love her, Clara came out and showed us what she was made of and what the dance should have looked like the first time round. She totally went for it and really showed the fight and determination to stay in the competition. It was miles better and I feel so sorry it went so badly wrong for her the first time because it was a corker of a routine.

Jamie performed as well as he did in the Saturday show - in fact, maybe even a smidgeon better. He went out to impress and stay his hardest to stay in - and stay with Karen. 

Then it was crunch time. The judges expressed that this was a very, very difficult decision to make. Craig voted for Clara, Motsi plumped for Jamie. So it was all down to Shirl to issue to coup d'etat...

CLARA was eliminated from the show. Such a shame as she was clearly enjoying the experience and coming out of her shell, but she is in a strong cohort this year and someone always has to leave. 

So, that was that. The Surviving Six go through to the Quarter Finals and Musicals Week. I'm already worried about what that will mean - although I'd pay good money to see a Rocky Horror Show opening dance with Jamie & Karen as Riff Raff and Magenta, Ranvir & Gio as Little Nell & Rocky, Bill as Eddie, HRVY as Dr Scott etc. Though knowing my luck they'd pitch Anton as Frank N Furter, which would totally put me off my kebab.

Your guess will be as good as mine about what's going to get shoehorned in chosen. So, tune in next week folks for more of my ramblings. Until then...

KEEEEP DANCING!!

AMFO IT CAME TO PASS, CLARA WAS KICKED OUT ON HER....OWN 

It's Blackpool Jim, But Not As We Know It

Greeting, Dance Fans. Well, here we are again. Doesn't time fly when you're not allowed to have fun? Ah well, soon be Christmas. Probably. If The Powers That Be let us, that is. Some nerk of an 'expert' suggested we postpone the celebrations for six months and have it at the end of June instead. What The Actual? He does understand the Christian Church's concept of the event, doesn't he? You know, why it is when it is? It's really not something you can put off like your Auntie Renee's 80th. Pillock. We usually go for a curry on Christmas Day but I've done a Sainsbury's order just in case (other supermarkets are available, of course, but Sainsbury's is literally five minutes away so it's a no-brainer). Not having turkey, though. Since when have I been a conformist? Haunch of venison at our gaff this Yuletide, thank you very much. Although I may concede and allow pigs in blankets for the males in the house. Just to keep the peace. Buggered if I'm waiting till mid-2021 for that.

Anyway, I had a sneaky peek at the dance choices this week and it seemed to be a fairly even split of traditional ballroom and Latin. I was once at a rather posh dinner dance, strutting my funky stuff on the dance floor (there was a disco - I wasn't just randomly throwing shapes during the soup course). A be-tuxed gent sidled over and told me I had 'a splendid Latin bottom', Naturally, I was about to lamp him one - you can take the girl out of Salford, after all - when he hurriedly explained that he meant I had very good isolation of my hips well suited to the Latin dances. Makes a change from telling a girl she's got nice boobs eyes, I suppose. That's the nearest I ever got to the world of ballroom (unless you count the MC Hammer pants fad in the 90s) and I never took him up on his offer to teach me the basics. Shame - I could have been the next Shirley Ballas. These days I'm more Burly Ballast so that time has long passed. It's why I waffle on here, really.

And so to the proper dancing. It SHOULD have been Blackpool week but, due to some pesky virus you might have heard of, the dancers couldn't venture there this week. So you are cruelly robbed of my Best Puns Ever. What do you mean 'thank heavens for that'? Cheek of it. Well, if that's your attitude I'll get on with the show.

We actually got a pro-dance opener this week. A medley of seaside & sun type tunes with the gang in summer get up and Our Tone being given a central role in the number. It was meant to bring the Spirit of Blackpool to Elstree but it reminded me more of Saturday Seaside Special shows when I was a nipper. Which is not necessarily a bad thing unless you're lactose intolerant. I mean, those shows were cheeeeeesy!

Now, some hard of thinking viewers have been bombarding social media like Keyboard Cat demanding to know why Katya can do the group dances when she's supposed to be quarantined. They obviously have the attention span of a gnat as, not only do Tess & Claudia explain all the group dances were recorded earlier in the year every blimming week, JOHANNES HAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT HAIR DO!! What do they think he does? Wind his 'locks in like a Girls World doll before dancing with Caroline? Honestly.

Right. Rant over. On with the state of the remaining eight.

Bill & Oti kicked off proceedings with a lovely American Smooth to I've Got You Under My Skin by Frank Sinatra. Bill is completely enjoying his Strictly experience and obviously puts the hours in at rehearsals. In traditional top hat & tails he was smooth, suave and sophisticated throughout the routine. He was light and fleet of foot with plenty of swing and sway. As in previous weeks, Bill's frame was super and his hands were, as Craig said, exquisite. There was some fun prop work with canes - with only a minor stumble or two from Bill. The side-by-side sections were good and in synch but he struggled a little with the Fred Astaire slides and his feet were a bit flat in the jumps. An entertaining routine overall which earned Bill 25 out of 30.

Maisie & Gorka were up next with a Salsa to Better When I'm Dancing by Meghan Trainor. Being in the bottom two last week really shook Maisie up and she was keen to show the judges were right to keep her in. And, boy, did show them what she was made of. She came out with a bang, full on shimmy, shake, party girl attitude (she is only 19, remember). Her hips had great rotation, isolation and the required figure-of-eight movements. The routine was jam packed with tricks - wrist-rippers, walkovers, spins, lifts & somersaults. There were a couple of heavy landings that Gorka chivalrously took the blame for, but overall this was a sassy, spirited and entertaining dance. She'd finally taken the judges' notes on board about her footwork and generally tidied everything up. I have no idea what Shirley was going on about 'feminine sensing zones' (nor does anyone else - I Googled) but Maisie scored an impressive 27 out of 30.

JJ & Amy followed with a Quickstep to Once In My Life by Stevie Wonder. There's a lot to like about JJ's dancing - he has a great top line and frame, he puts the hours in and he obviously enjoys himself. Unfortunately, compared to everyone else, he isn't really improving. He is still a bit stiff and, while a good central line suits the Quickstep, it translated too far down to his feet making his footwork stilted and jerky. He wasn't smooth and flowing this week and he got a bit bouncy through the shoulders. His scatter chasses were good though and he sang along as he covered the floor. Better than last week, but not as good as he has been. He split the judges with Craig being more critical and Anton overmarking. 25 out of 30 for the duo.

Clara & Aljaz brought us a Samba to That's The Way I Like It by KC & The Sunshine Band. Inexplicably dressed like chefs - which had no reference to the samba or the lyrics - Clara struggled a bit this week with the change of style. Well, I say a bit. I mean a lot, poor thing. From the outset her timing was off and she was about half a beat behind Aljaz all the way through. She stumbled steps, bodged beats and missed marks. For a samba it was pretty low on content, ploddy & ponderous. Clara seemed tentative and was low on energy and sparkle required for the dance. She had some good shimmy but her hip rotation let her down and I've seen more bounce in a half-deflated space hopper. Definitely a bogey dance for Clara and her leader board topping score from last week nose-dived to just 18 out of 30. 

Bouncy Biscuit Boy Jamie & Karen had picked a Couple's Choice Street Dance to I'm Going To Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) by C+C Music Factory. 'I'm going to make you sweat'? Is that supposed to be a chat up line? I'm not sure if that's romantic or a threat. Besides, my idea of a Couples' Choice is a large glass of Chardonnay and a pizza. Good job it's not the same for Jamie & Karen. Crikey, this was an energetic routine! Blasting out from the get go, the pace was relentless. Totally in character as a Bad Boi, Jamie completely threw himself into this dance. It was fast, fun, frenetic and FAB-U-LOUS. Mad changes of pace, fantastic footwork, tricky steps, a small attempt at breakdancing. The Strictly Superfans might have noticed some recycled moves from Karen's 'Let's Get Ready To Rhumble' routine with Chris Ramsey last year but it would be churlish to complain. Haring about like a toddler hopped up on Haribo and Sunny D, Jamie had a whale of a time. It's really obvious he and Karen get on like a house on fire (not in a Strictly Curse kind of way) and their friendship shone throughout. He got an AMAZING from Craig and a dizzying near perfect score of 29 out of 30.

Haaaarveeeey & Jaaaaneeeetteeee had to follow this with a Tango to Golden by Harry Styles. Again, not exactly Tango music and I, for one, found it a bit jarring. All Styles over substance, if you will. Nice choreography but for me it all looked a bit square peg, round hole. The masked ball concept was okay - and I'm sure my dad had that jacket in the 70s - but the pace was a tad too fast for a Tango with no time to really show off the lines it needs to look impressive. The Vowelless One had plenty of attack, power and drive in the routine and his staccato pieces were good. He had issues with his footwork though and made a few mistakes, although he did his best to cover them up. His frame was wobbly and his hands were like spades on Janette's back. The panel was still impressed with the content and gave him 26 out of 30.

And then came Caroline & Johannes with a Cha Cha Cha to Rescue Me by Fontella Bass. If backstage gossip is anything to go by, this song choice was Johannes' covert cry for help. Saints preserve us but what the HECK? The story of the dance was Johannes being a brave firefighter coming to Caroline's aid. Allegedly. I'm not sure what she was aiming for but she was less Damsel in Distress than Damned Mess In Dis-Dress. She looked like a Frankenstein's mash up of Mrs Slocombe from 'Are You Being Served' and Miss Hannigan from 'Annie'.

Where do I start with this? Caroline mugged & gurned her way through the routine trying to add 'comedy' (I use that term loosely on advice from my lawyers) to a dance that didn't need it. She was going full on Anton, side glances at the camera, half-drunkenly clinging on to Johannes, at one point LICKING HIS ARM! Have some decorum, love. Hasn't the man suffered enough already? I'm betting that wasn't part of Johannes' original choreography. She certainly put the Desperate in Desperate Housewives. Having said that, her footwork was decent enough, she had some nice lines and elegant legs. Her frame was good in hold and she stayed in time and in synch with Johannes. Shirley raved about Caroline's ankles again. I've not so much got cankles (calves & ankles merging) as shankles (shoulders & ankles) so this may colour my view of things. A slightly overmarked 24 out of 30 scored.

Ranvir & Giovanni closed the show with the series' first Argentine Tango to When Doves Cry by Prince. Blimey - it was steamier than a sauna on the dancefloor. Pre-watershed, too (she says, channelling Mary Whitehouse). Gio looked blisteringly hot in sprayed on kecks and guy-liner (I totally take back my earlier Kevin The Gerbil sex face remark) and Ranvir smouldered on the verge of bursting into flame. Goodness. It was sultry, sexy, powerful and dramatic, oozing sensuality. The attraction was almost palpable - even if they were just 'pretending' - eyes locked, tight contact and near-miss-kisses. It was seduction on the screen at its finest. I had to go and have a lie down with a damp cloth on my forehead afterwards. Ranvir coped really well with tricky steps and footwork. Her ganchos weren't quite sharp enough and she needed a bit more retraction on the flicks but, my word this was electrifying to watch. Shirl came over all unnecessary in her critique, coming across like one of Harry Enfield's Randy Old Ladies. Even Craig had to tell her to wind her neck in and Ranvir squeaked that her mum was watching. A very solid 27 out of 30 with the couple's first 10 of the series.

And that was that. All eight had done what they could and all that was left was to wait until the results show. The judges' scores are one thing but, at the end of it all, the decision lies with the public who hold the Fates of the contestants in their hands like the Gods on Mount Olympus.

Monday Eve rolled around as it usually does and we all tuned in to see who was going to get the chop.  Last night I accidentally tuned into The Wall with Danny Dyer - or 'The Whoa' as His Cockneyship calls it. At least I know where HRVY's vowels have gone now - there's barely a consonant in Danny's diction. Mind you. I reckon he really sounds like Sir Ian McKellan and has to get into Artful Dodger character backstage. Sort of Eliza Dolittle in reverse. I'm ashamed to say I got hooked to the premise and had to watch another episode on catch up. So sue me - I can't be all Portrait Artist Of The Year and University Challenge.

The Results show opened with a lovely contempowaft dance by the pros to Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. Nice gentle routine but the pink & grey outfits did make it look kinda like of one of those rehearsed wedding dances Bridezillas makes everyone learn and you can't wait for it to be over so you can make a beeline for the buffet.

Bruno beamed in with his usual OTT schtick we've not really missed much. And, to be fair, he doesn't get much airtime with it at the top of the show. Which is probably a good thing.

You know the drill by now. Tess and the drummer - or more likely a backing track - become As One to impart to us who will dance again next week. I do wish one week she'd think 'Sack it' and just blurt out who the bottom two were before sloping off for a cheeky bifter behind the bins (that's a quick cigarette for the mucky minded). Alas, this was not to be this week and she followed the usual formula, finally revealing that CAROLINE was the first dancer in danger. She tried the old 'didn't win the Oscar but I have to clap the winner' face / attitude but I didn't quite buy it. She seemed a wee bit surprised to he here - and even Shirley said she was surprised she was in the bottom two.

Claud's Caterpillar Of Chat / Queue of Quips whatever you want to call it gave the couples a chance to reflect on the week, how they'd really been feeling and what a relief it was to be through. It's actually better with them being spoken to one couple at a time, as the previous 'all in the Clauditorium together' sometimes ended up with one celebrity hogging the camera (I'm looking at you Karim 'I'd turn up to the opening of someone's bowels' Zeroual. I still remember him being hoiked backwards by the scruff of his next when he tried to careen onto the stage to be first to be on camera congratulate Kelvin & Oti.

Billy Ocean rocked up and gave us a nice medley of his past hits. Ah, that took me back to my yoof. Again, most likely to have been filmed earlier this year before people start writing to Points Of View making idiots of themselves. We had the judges' recaps and comments. I don't know what they said, mind. I was busy making a vodka martini (shaken, not stirred, natch) for me and HOTH. Probably Craig & Shirley trying to out snark each other or something. Shirley STILL didn't elaborate on 'feminine sensing zones' so we're none the wiser.

Tess and The Timpani Of Terror resumed to further whittle down the contenders until our second dancer-offerer was announced as MAISIE.

Maisie again? The poor thing. I know some people think she comes across a bit cocky and arrogant - much like Pixie Lott in a previous series - but, come on folks. Her dance last night was good. And better than some others who might have been kept in for sentimental reasons. What is she going to have to do to prove herself? I'm not her biggest fan by any means but I do hope her spirit isn't crushed knowing Strictly fans don't like her.

So - Caroline v Maisie. Battle of the Latin dances. You saw it, right? Well, we had to see it again. But I suppose it's the only way to decide who has to go. Unless they announce who got the lowest number of votes and they get to do a Trump and carry on claiming they've won. Jousting is out of the question - imagine the poo on the dancefloor - never mind what the horses might drop. Or, or, or maybe they should do what Dancing On Ice does and have all the couples learn a completely different elimination dance routine - everyone getting the same dance & music? That'd put the cat among the pigeons for sure having to have to knock together a quick Charleston or a rapid Rumba <note to self - add to earlier ideas to pitch to production>. If it happens next series you know where they got the idea.

Maisie danced first - adding even more spark and energy, and landing the tricks much better . A cleaner dance overall.. Caroline. Caroline. Erm. Well, at least she didn't lick Johannes' arm this time round. Which he was probably thankful for. And so was I, if I'm honest.

Of course, it was a completely foregone conclusion and the judges unanimously voted to keep Maisie in to dance another day. As if it was going to be any otherwise. Caroline did her best 'had a lovely time, friends for life, love Johannes' bit but  he looked bloody relieved he doesn't have to dance with her next week, put it that way. And that was it for this week. 

You'll have to tune in next Saturday to see what our Magnificent Seven have in store. Until then......

KEEP DANCING!!

WOMAN DANCING BEHAVING BADLY - CAROLINE IS UP THE (JONATHAN) CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE

Strictly Goes Viral

Flippin' 'eck Benny! What a week it's been in Strictly Land. There's been so much going on it's like an episode of Coronation Enders Farm, or whatever soaps are called these days. I stopped watching them years ago - they're all far too cheerful and true to life for me 😏. Just how many murders can happen in one place before people get suspicious? Mind you, happens in Midsomer all the time and John Nettles is still none the wiser. Maybe everyone gets mind wiped with a sonic blast of 'YOUR'E NOT MY MUVVER!' or Sonia giving a toot on her trumpet or something. I prefer Repair Shop - you know where you are with a shed full of tools (and NO, I don't mean Jay & Co).

So, what has happened to get me all in a tizz? Well...

FIRST - Katya tested positive for coronavirus, forcing her and Nicola to pull out of the show. Such a shame as Nicola never really found her dancing feet and now can't show us any improvement. A sad way for the first same sex couple to leave the show - although the Tin Foil brigade are already out in force saying it's a ruse and they're really out because they didn't get on / got on too well / Nicola flounced because she was asked to wear a feathery frock. Pish tosh. Some people see conspiracies everywhere. I blame soaps. Well, I for one hope they are both well and stay safe. We're not sure yet what impact this will have on the show from now on (I nearly said 'going forward' then realised that sounded to much like a David Brent Office-ism and had A Word with myself). It could mean no elimination one week, or a four couple final instead of five. We shall see.

THEN - Motsi had to return to Germany for a family emergency and therefore has to self-isolate for two weeks. She had planned to judge from home but given she wouldn't be able to see half of what was going on - and would probably spend half the show watching the Buffering Circle Of Doom - our old pal Tony Beak has been drafted in to guest judge while she's out of action. First Bruno, now Motsi? Hmmmm - I declare it was Tony Beak, in the Ballroom with the Glitterball your honour. Oh, no. Now you've got me at it! I'd say 'chinny reckon' but our Tone outclasses me in the mandible department by some margin. More of this later. Anton, that is - not my chin(s).

If it carries on like this we're going to end up with the remaining dancers in Zorb balls for isolation, Dave Arch will be in a one man band kit providing the music and that cheap rip off 'badly sung by someone else' backing track they play in Home Bargains so they don't have to pay PRS royalties.

So, we're all shaken up and out of sorts. When better to tell you it's just SIX WEEKS until Christmas. See you're not worried about Strictly now are you? You can tell Yuletide is on its way as Boy Of The House was flicking through the Argos catalogue for ideas. Have you seen it recently? Blimey it's shrunk. Not so much The Book Of Dreams these days, more Pamphlet For A Short Nap. How am I supposed to stand on it to put the fairy on the tree now?

Anyway, I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes. Dancing & stuff. No theme this week, so we're back to something like normal, despite the shenanigans in the week. And because I watch this thing so you don't have to (although it would help you understand what I'm bapping on about), this is was went down.

They save the pro dances for the results show now so there was a very sudden opening with Tess & Claude. They introduced the judges, making gentle digs at Anton having to be press ganged into judging. Bless him, if he'd have had a tail he would have wagged it.

Haaarveeey & Jaaaneeetteee opened the show with a Salsa to Dynamite by BTS. I thought BTS was British Tyre Service but apparently they're a Korean 'K-Pop' outfit who all look about nine years old and the kind of chaps your mum would like you to bring home for tea. Well, it was a pretty fine way to open the show. Vowelly Challenged HRVY came out with a bang. He got the party going with a high energy, high octane performance. He had plenty of hip action, good rotation and footwork. This was a tricky routine with some challenging lifts (although Janette looks like she weighs as much as a wet teabag, bless her). Harves showed really good musicality and timing and the side by side sections were smooth & slick (glad I'm not Chris Eubank trying to say that). It was a bit stop/start, especially when the lifts were coming but the armography was good and he supported Janette well in the floor spin. Anton was a bit overenthusiastic like I'd worried, and Shirley gushed like a faulty garden hose, wildly overmarking with the first 10 of the season. A decent 27 out of 30.

This week's Ts & Cs were brought to us by crooner Craig David. Poor Craig spent years in the wilderness after being mocked by Leigh Francis (Avid Merrion / Keith Lemon) portraying him as a naive northerner with a kestrel and a bladder problem. It appears that it's all behind him now, though and he was proper bo, I tell thee.

Up next were Ranvir & Giovanni with a Cha Cha Cha to Oye Como Va / I Like It Like That by Santana & Peter Rodriguez. After a brilliant week last week, Ranvir seemed to struggle with this dance. She started off okay with some sexy hip action, but it soon unravelled I'm afraid. She was stiff and stilted with no real bounce or enthusiasm. It was all a bit pedestrian and ploddy in parts, she went on the wrong foot and out of time & synch with Gio. She wasn't enjoying herself and it showed on her face. She needed a straighter leg to get the proper cha cha cha movements, too. Poor Ranvir really needs to have more confidence in herself as she can do it - as last week showed. Anton was definitely Havana laugh, wildly overmarking her, but his comments had calmed down at least. A leader-board tumbling 20 out of 30 was scored.

Max & Dianne followed this with an American Smooth to It Had To Be You by Harry Connick Junior. Is it just me who always hears John Mellencamp's Jack & Diane when they're introduced? Well, you will now anyway. Max was gussied up in ballroom tails - a pleasant change to his Homer look last week. There was some nice chemistry between the pair and Max showed some grace and style. He's really worked on his frame and top line, but the dance lacked the showbizzy swing and sway. He was flinging his free arm about like he was chucking a frisbee and his hands were splayed on Dianne's back like the last bunch of bananas in the shop. The choreography was pretty simple and the lifts weren't too challenging either. It wasn't his best and it turns out they'd still be practising in the car park shortly before the show started. At the end Max did a NAUGHTY SWEAR that was caught on is mic, meaning Claudia had to apologise for any offence caused - we were pre-watershed after all. More mad overmarking by Anton (giving Max an 8) and he ended up with 20 out of 30.

JJ & Amy then brought us a Jive to Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy by Bette Midler. JJ had been given permission to wear a Royal Marine uniform and they'd arranged for one to be tailor made for him in full & proper detail. Someone was chopping onions again! Maybe it was the uniform that seemed to send JJ back into soldier mode as he was really quite stiff and too upright for a jive. His injuries mean that he struggled with the kicks, flicks and retraction - something the judges should have taken into account if you ask me - but his timing and synchronicity were good, especially in the side by side sections. Another dancer who needs a bit more confidence, but maybe he's better suited to the slower ballroom dances. Time will tell. A mean, low 4 from Craig meant a score of just 17 out of 30, although Shirley did enthuse about his package, which can't be all bad.

Maisie & Gorka took to the floor with a Cha Cha Cha to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Now apparently - and don't ask me why 'cos I have not the foggiest - their theme was set in a dolls' house with Maisie & Ken, sorry, Gorka portraying plastic playthings. Gorka was certainly rather distracting in shorts, and not necessarily in a good way.

One thing I did really enjoy was Gorka explaining some moves in the training VT. And because I love you, I'll let you in on the secret too - pay attention, this may be on your end of year exam:

Cuban Break - apparently not lunch time in Guantanamo, but dancing with one leg bent and one leg straight. Much like me after my last night out with Husband Of The House.

Lockstep - sharp, quick steps forward which gives the classic Cha Cha Cha hip action

New Yorker - in hold starting face to face, then open out to side by side and back to close while moving forwards.

And on with the dance - they started off with The Robot but unfortunately Maisie looked less Michael Jackson and more Michael McIntyre here - not quite sharp & defined enough, as Craig pointed out. Maisie had some good hip action and coped well with some tricky moves. She had nice timing & rhythm and it was a fun, frivolous dance. Unfortunately, she was a bit too stiff and weirdly self-conscious through the number and she still needs to work on her foot placement (a critique she's had every week so far) as she was pigeon-toed and flat-footed in parts. Anton hates the Cha Cha Cha which might explain more overmarking from him. 24 out of 40 for Team Maika. Team Gorksie? Whatever.

The dance of the night for me was Bill & Oti dancing a Street Dance Couple's Choice to Rappers' Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang . Now, I was very confused when they didn't come out as Michelle Pfeiffer and Coolio, but then I realised I was thinking of the wrong song entirely. Oh, my. This was a sublime routine from start to finish. Dressed as 20s gangsters Bill & Oti put the Chic and the Go in Chicago. Bill really is a surprise and a joy to watch. He hit every single beat and mark, keeping in synch with Oti whether they were sitting down ham-boning and gang handshaking or up on his feet with slick, sharp and on-point moves to some very difficult choreography - which, at 55 to her 30 is no mean feat. There was bags of content and Bill had tons of swagger, style and character. His dedication to dance earned him an incredible 10 from our Shirl and 27 out of 30 overall.

Caroline & Johannes were our next couple with a Waltz to With You I'm Born Again by Billy Preston & Syreeta Wright. I can't quite put my finger on it but something seems a bit...off in this partnership. There doesn't seem to be so much chemistry between the pair as with other couples and the VTs / Clauditorium interviews look a bit strained and forced. The dance was nice enough, though. But just that. Nice. Caroline had a decent top line and some graceful rise and fall. Her flow across the floor was competent, if a little constrained and her heel leads were pretty well done. Unfortunately, there were a lot of foot faults and some wobbles - and gapping you could have driven the night bus through. Shirley said Caroline has nice ankles, which sounds like a back-handed compliment if you ask me. The sort your waspish auntie would give at family get togethers after a few gins. You know, the ones where you get looked up and down first. Anyway, CQ & Johannes scored 22 out of 30, breaking their 21 streak, but only thanks to a generous 8 from Anton.

Jamie & Karen sashayed on with a Samba to Bomboleo by Gipsy Kings. I prefer a gypsy cream myself. D'you think Baron Von Biscuits would send me some? And, yes, this song has been my bloody earworm since last night. I could do without blurting it out as I put the washing on, thank you very much.

And so to the dance. The wardrobe team had clearly been on the hot glue as Jamie & Karen came out looking like two of The Three Amigos. I'll leave it to you to decide which ones.

Yep, that's right. Jamie & Karen dressed as Mexicans doing a Cuban dance to a song sung in Spanish. All they needed was a stuffed donkey and we could have played cliché bingo.

I actually had one of these. Health & Safety nightmare of flammable material over toxic plastic body, held together with huge, sharp tacks that fell out if you so much as nudged it. I loved it.

Jamie & Karen's dance was much better than that. He's still like an excited Labrador and I keep expecting him to do a widdle on the floor, but he definitely had fun with this routine. It was fun to watch, with Jamie giving us loads of shimmy and a booty shake like Beyoncé on illegal substances. Karen had to slam a hand into his chest at one point to arrest his careering around the floor. He kept in synch with Karen, the mirroring required having been hammered into him all week. He really went for it and clearly had a whale of a time. You want chemistry in a partnership? This is it. It wasn't a sexy samba by any means but it made me smile. An impressive 25 out of 30.

Clara & Aljaz closed the show with a cracking Charleston to Baby Face by Julie Andrews. Clara looked stunning and very Josephine Baker (20s superstar) with her slick hair and swishy dress.

What a way to end the show! There was absolutely EVERYTHING in there for a Charleston aficionado - duckwalks, knee slaps, crossovers, birdy flaps, scissor steps and more swivel than you could shake a stick at. This was a silly, fun dance - everything a Charleston should be. Clara was clearly enjoying herself so much more than last time and it showed in her enthusiasm and energy. She was totally on point and in time with Aljaz, beaming smile on her face as she coped splendidly with some tricky steps. She had flair, attack and style, telling the story of the dance and really performing it - even if she did nearly poke Aljaz's eye out at the end. A great dance, rewarded by a table topping 29 out of 30.

And that was that. BOTH, HOTH and I watched a horror film and we all went to bed suitably traumatised.

Saturday night turned to Sunday, as it does. The leader-board last night was quite widely spread but, as we know, that means nowt when you turn the vote over to the public. The celebs are only as safe as their fan-base and we've seen favourites shockingly booted off because people thought they wouldn't need the votes.

The pros kicked off with a lively routine set in a supermarket. It's a wonder they're not all basket cases by now but it was a trolley good dance, set so we could check out our favourites and the spares who have been left on the shelves, stacking up the overtime (look, I've got to get my puns in somehow). It wasn't very realistic though - none of them were wearing masks and fighting over the last 9 pack of Andrex and a super-sized bag of tagliatelle. 'Twas quite nice, though.

Motsi - much more stripped back and au naturelle than usual with her own hair and everything - gave a brief recap of the night before. Pretty much how we all look on a Zoom call to be honest. I bet she had her PJs and fluffy slippers on below the waist. Personally, I have the Skype Sweater and the Team T-Shirt to make me look half decent. She was much more sedate as well but, then again, they could only probably afford a five minute slot with everything else that's gone on. 

Tess and her Bumbedy-Bum Of Doooooom whittled down the couples who would dance next week. First in the perilous position was... 

MAISIE!!!

See, what did I tell you? People not voting because they think the celeb will be safe. Unless Maisie's Enders character has done something heinous this week which cost her votes (I know there are people out there who have difficulty separating fact from fiction and I'm not talking about Demonic, sorry, Dominic Cummings). Like I said, I know nothing about that. The only soap I'm aware of is the washy kind.

The Vamps performed a pleasant ditty of Married in Vegas among the usual pro dancer contempo-waft, no doubt also filmed weeks ago and after being hosed down with sanitiser.

We had the usual judges' recap which never really adds much more than a bit of padding with Bruno in virtual attendance looking absolutely knackered. No idea what time it was over in La La Land or even what day is what but he looked like he needed a Berocca.

Tess's Timpani Of Terror struck further fear into our remaining couples, with Jamie looking like he wanted to throw up. One by one the names were read out until two celebrities remained - Ranvir and Max. And finally, our last dancer-offerer was revealed to be...

MAX!!!

Both couples revamped their routines (I know, sorry) and tried to perfect the pernickety pieces picked up previously. But you don't really need me to tell you the outcome do you? Oh, you do? Well...

Despite a schism in the panel, eventually the judges found MAX unWanted and it was MAISIE who lived to dance another day. Fair result? I'll leave that to you to decide. It just seems like Shirl has really taken against Maisie for some reason, saying she'd have saved Max - unless she was just saying that to make Dianne feel better.

And so ten became nine couples closer to the coveted Glitter Ball. And I think it's still anyone's race to win. Will Jamie pull off a Kelvin? Could Clara clinch it? Maybe Bill bounds his way to the ball. There's only one way to find out. Tune in next week and, until then...

KEEP DANCING!!

MUCKY MOUTHED MAD MANC MAX MEANDERS TO MANANA 

(I know it needs the squiggly bit over the first N but I can't do it on this laptop)

 

Livin' La Vida Lockdown

Hello Strictly Squad. How's it hanging with you? We've had a sort of jolly week, despite the You Know What. Boy Of The House had his birthday and so there was cake and stuff. When he was little he thought Bonfire Night was to celebrate his birth - an idea we did not disavow him of - and so we always have our own little display of crushingly disappointing and underwhelming store bought explosives.  Husband Of The House and I treated ourselves to this rather apt bottle of vodka, so all was good.

Well, enough about me bumping up the word count of this thing. 'Tis Movie Week on Strictly. Oh, so you could rustle up the costumes and make-up now can you? Not last week when the costumes are actually good? I suppose I mustn't grumble - at least we're getting a show this year. Although I have heard a vicious rumour we're to have a FIVE couple final, to make the most of the reduced episodes with no double eliminations. FIVE? We might as well have just let everyone have a crack for the glitterball on one night. Maybe with some Battle Royale / Hunger Games element thrown in. I can quite see Oti as Catnip Evergreen wielding a bow & arrow, taking Tony Beak down with a well-timed shot to the knee <note to self, pitch idea to Strictly producers for next year - Strictly Come Survivor>.

So Movie Week - what reely happened? Let's cut to the chase while I wrap up the night's action for you (look, you were warned last week the bad puns were coming out).

The pros opened the show with a James Bond special. Is it me, or is James Bond the world's  worst spy? Everyone knows who he is and everyone is always expecting him. Not very spy-y that, is it? Unless he's the distraction while the real guys get the job done.

Aljaz made rather a fetching 007 and if they ever do Bond The Musical, he's a shoo-in. Gorka emerged from what seemed to be Heaton Park Boating Lake like a pocket-sized Godzilla. I hope his cholera jabs are up to date. Giovanni was doing his best Smell The Fart face and Karen went all femme-fatale villainess in plether. Inside the studio the CGI train looked like CCBC kids' show Me Too had gone rogue, Neil mugged around looking a ginger Dr Evil and Luba lolled around a bed covered in gold body paint. They're never getting that out of the sheets. As understated as ever, Johannes flew in as a Grace Jones a-like, all attitude and glares - but nobody volunteered to pull up to his bumper. We ended with Oti M-busi. All quite fun.

There was no audience this week given our new Covid situation but somehow it was even noisier that a fully stocked crowd. Unless they'd turned all the mics up to full volume. Or Jannette had been on the WKD again. Then it was Lights. Camera, Action. And On With The Show!

Nicola & Katya kicked off the night with a Jive to Greased Lightnin' by John Travolta from Grease. Except they didn't really. It was all a bit lumpy & leaden, with Nicola being very flat footed and heavy. While she is coming out of her shell and performing more, she lacked energy tonight, losing her timing and sync with Katya. There was very little retraction on the kicks and her toes were not pointed enough. There was a lot of content and the choreography was tricky but I'm afraid this was more Austin Allegro than Greased Lightnin'. The judges agreed and she scored 19 out of 30.

John Cleese Zoomed in for the Terms & Conditions (see what I did there?) with Fawltyless fun, yawning through the tedious twaddle we've all heard a billionty and five times before. Yep, John. We agree with you there.

Maisie & Gorka  were up next with an American Smooth to Into The Unknown by Idina Menzel from Frozen. She's so much of a ringer she should really have been Belle from Beauty & The Beast. Instead she was Elsa and I'm gutted Gorka wasn't got up as Olaf the snowman. They brought out the pushy mum & faaaaaaarmly guns early, with even the dog getting in on the VT action. This was a good, clean performance, as expected. Maisie had nice, clean lines with graceful arms and a solid frame. The dance was graceful and well performed and she showed great timing and synchronicity with Gorka. Her footwork was a bit wobbly though and she missed a couple of steps. She got a cold shoulder from Shirley who made a dig about 'as she picks up the steps quickly, she should actually spend some time polishing her routine and concentrate on her feet'. It's snow good complaining, though as she scored an ice enough 24 out of 30, Motsi well overmarking a dance that had been criticised by both Craig & Shirl. 

Caroline & Johannes brought us a Couples' Choice to Everything's Coming Up Roses by Ethel Merman from Gypsy. My spies tell me all is far from rosy in Camp CarJo. Rumours are that they've had several rows this week with Caroline questioning Johannes' choreo and banging on and on even when he's explained why it has to be so. He's the pro, love. Shut up and learn. Anyhoo - CQ came out in full on Luvvie mode, Fauxmerican accent and all. She played to the rafters, all shiny teeth and wobbly eyes as we say Chez Nous. While her character was good (Imelda Staunton won't be losing any sleep, mind), the routine lacked spark. It was all a bit sedate, even throwing in jazz hands, Fosse breaks and more props than Mr Benn ever laid his hands on - everything but the kitsch-en sync. Caroline needed more attack and energy but she did well in the lifts. Not her best routine but luvvie duck she scored 21 out of 30 with more overmarking by Motsi.

Jason & Luba went to a galaxy far, far away with Paso Doble to Star Wars Theme by John Williams. It didn't bode well when Luba admitted she'd never seen Star Wars and had no clue who any of the characters were. Yoda thought she'd at least have a quick read up. Jedi really just say that? Sorry not sorry. Luba & Jason were meant to be Rey & Finn from the later films. They were more Kylo Ren & Stampy. Jason tried to hold a serious face but he was very stiff and laboured through the routine. His knee-walks and slide were decent enough, but his frame and shaping were all over the place. He lacked drive and determination - I've seen more attack at last orders down the Legion - and seemed to be just going through the motions. The Force definitely wasn't with him tonight and he was wookiee to score 12 out of 30.

JJ & Amy followed with a Foxtrot to Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head by BJ Thomas from Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. JJ was bike in business with a lovely routine which played to his strengths. His character was spot on and this was a lovely, light dance full of flair and finesse. JJ's frame was beautiful in and out of hold and he had great pace, timing and musicality. He glided across the floor with graceful footwork and you could tell he'd put the hours in. He coped well with all the changes of pace and direction and the break section in the middle was delightful. A simple, heart-warming, romantic routine that fair warmed the cockles. I'm not crying, you are. A 'gawjus' from Craig and a great score of 24 out of 30.

Haarveey & Jaanneettee hit the floor with a Cha Cha Cha to Don't Go Breaking My Heart by Elton John & Kiki Dee from Gnomeo & Juliet. Yes. Dressed as Lawn Ornaments. The good points? The Boy With No Vowels has plenty of confidence, his footwork and hip action were very good and he threw in a jette turn and some sharp spotting on his floor spins (no formal dance training my ample buttocks - he admitted to spending weeks in choreography for his tours). His character was nice, riffing off Janette's kookiness and it was fun to watch. Unfortunately, his footwork went off, with him not completing steps fully and getting a bit uncoordinated. There were very few basic cha cha cha steps and even an accomplished New York step didn't do much to impress the judges. He scored a less than e-gnome-ous 21 out of 30 with Motsi overmarking yet again. Maybe she was channelling Bruno (a little dig Craig had already made).

Ranvir & Joe Varney were next with a Foxtrot to Love You I Do by Jennifer Hudson from Dreamgirls. Sorry if anyone was expecting a nightmare, because this was sublime. Sex Gerbil Gio always brings the best out of his partners and Ranvir is no exception. Their chemistry is electric and radiates through the screen - if they get to do a rumba I may need a lie down with a cold flannel on my forehead. Ranvir was classy, sassy and stylish throughout the routine, with exquisite shaping, frame and footwork. There was loads of glide, swing and sway with beautiful lines and extensions, graceful hands and a shapely top line. This was a tricky routine and the Foxtrot is not an easy dance. I should know, I tried it once and needed a stiff drink afterwards. As Craig said, this was FAB-U-LOUS and she scored a whopping 27 out of 30.

Jamie & Karen tried to bring us an alleged Charleston to Zero To Hero by Tawatha Agee, Lillias White, LaChanze, Roz Ryan, Cheryl Freeman & Vaneese Y Thomas from Hercules (which took longer to type than the dance lasted). I think Trades Descriptions might be having a word with Baron Von Biscuits. Sporting a weird mullet wig, he looked more like Corrie's Liz McDonald than Hercules. I've seen more meat on an x-ray.

This was SO SLOW for a Charleston. Jamie was more Her Indoors than Hercules, showing all the machismo of a chihuahua. Funny for all the wrong reasons - including dropping Karen twice - this routine had virtually no Charleston content. No swivel, no birdy flaps, no knee cross doings. This could easily have been an end-of-term dance at the local primary school. It was mad as toast and while Jamie is undoubtedly a likeable lad, a dancer he is not. No chance of him pulling a Kelvin - he's more likely to pull a muscle. I don't think he'll be a wafer long at this rate and will soon be home with his Morning Coffee. A bit overmarked by all with a score of 23 out of 30.

Clara & Aljaz followed this with a Tango to Lady Marmalade by Pink, Mya, L'il Kim & Christina Aguilera from Moulin Rouge - another keyboard crashing collaboration. Apparently there's no truth in the rumour that Billie Eilish, Carly Rae Jepson and Miley Cyrus will be getting together until the moniker of Billie Rae Cyrus. Anyway, while I would have preferred a Tango to the Tom Waites' version of Roxanne from this film, this was still a decent outing for Clara. She came out with plenty of attitude, attack and style, oozing confidence and steamy sexuality. There dance was jam-packed with drive and she was commanding and suitably aloof. Which must have been difficult as Aljaz looked like he'd come as a nutcracker. She preserved some good core strength, coping well with changes in direction and pace. She still needs to finish her arm lines and work on her stamina. Shirley wasn't a fan of the disco take on the routine and there wasn't enough staccato head movements. Not bad overall and but she only scored 20 out of 30. Come on judges - how was that WORSE than Jamie's...effort? See Me Later

Our penultimate couple were Max & Dianne with an (let's be generous) interesting Couples' Choice to The Simpsons Theme by Danny Elfman. I'm not sure if  by this time the vodka was staring to set in but, erm, yeah. The two were dressed as Mr & Mrs Simpson, with a well-padded Max looking just a bit too much like the character Yellow B-stard from the film Sin City than Homer.

Okaaaaay. I really don't know where to start with this. It was fast, frenetic & frenzied with some difficult changes of pace and tricky lifts. Things went from Bart to worse when Dianne flashed her kecks on the couch and Max played Sax on Di's thighs. I donut about you, but the props were more of a distraction than anything. Max had bags of character though and seemed to have a whale of  time with it all. At Lisa he had the energy to keep up with Dianne, even though they were both frazzled by the end. A Marge-inally entertaining routine scoring 24 out of 30.

Bill & Oti  closed the show with a Paso Doble to The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Theme from...well, look, it's pretty obvious where it's from, isn't it? People expecting Bill to be this year's male duffer are going to be sadly disappointed. Bill had researched the dance beforehand (oh, Maisie - you might want to take a note here) learning its origins and history to help him get into character. Despite the dodgy guyliner, Bill hit the floor with flair, polish, poise and attack. His Paso shaping was good and he had loads of drive through the floor bringing presence and power to this dance. His footwork was cracking and he was fierce and focussed maintaining eye contact with Oti as he performed some nice flamenco steps. As if that wasn't enough, he twanged his own instrument in the middle break as he played the guitar solo himself. Shirl was all of a flutter and Craig gave praise where it was due. A very well deserved 26 out of 30.

And so our remaining 11 couples had all danced. It was more a mixed bag than a Woolworths' Pick N Mix. The Good, The Bad & The Ugly pretty much describing the evening to a T, if you ask me. Still not missing Bruno and his shenanigans and having three judges gives them more time for some proper mauling critique. I wouldn't mind if the show stayed like this from now on.

Job done, Husband Of The House and I rustled up some steak Canadian butties before bed, in keeping with the evening's nostalgia. I don't regret it one bit.

Let's do The Timewarp Again for Suddenly Sunday. While there was quite a spread of points across the leader-board, there's really no telling with the public vote who might be binned off this week(I mean, look how long Ann Widdecome stayed in for Pete's sake).

The pros brought us a very poignant and moving routine to mark Remembrance Sunday and in tribute to Dame Vera Lynn who passed away this year. The in the studio part was particularly lovely, reminiscent of the Blackpool tea dances of the war years. There was a spare who looked scarily like Kevin From Grimsby, but turned out to be something like Steve From Scunthorpe.

Tess 'Tension Building' Daley had been doing her usual stuff eking out the results as the couples sweated and Giovanni did his cute little head bop to the beat. Biccie Boy was called out first and howled and screamed in a huge overreaction you'd have thought he'd just been voted US President instead of Biden. I suppose it was a relief after last week, but rein it in love.

Claude's Conga Of Congratulations is still good fun, especially with Bill knocking out a quick version of Rapper's Delight (not to be confused with Gangster's Delight, which has an altogether different vibe).

The Kanneh-Masons played a haunting version of Ave Maria as Graziano (aka Greasy Arnold) and Nadiya twirled prettily around the floor. The judges' comments with Bruno chipping in like an aged budgie more or less recapped what they said last night. Seriously, we could drop this bit, shave ten minutes off and give me time for a bath before bed. Or at least a Horlicks and a Twix.

And so it came to pass that the bottom to were:

NICOLA AND JASON! Although that wasn't much of a surprise, given they were the bottom two couples on the night anyway with two of my least favourite routines. It was all going to be about who was least worst.

Both couples reprised their routines for the judges' votes alone and the chance to do it all again next week.

Nicola came out with more energy and attack, determined to go out with a fight if needs be. Nic, love, you can't really give 150%, but your best is good enough for us. Jason plodded though his again, not much change and while he shouted and hammered his way through the dance there wasn't a massive improvement, despite what Craig said.

Craig & Co did what they do for a living and JASON was unanimously voted out of the show.

And so the curtains came down on Movie Week The popcorn was swept up, the sticky pop mopped off the floor, the lights turned off - and nobody stuck around to see if there was a Marvel mid-credits trailer, which makes a change.

Th..th..th..that's all, folks. Until next week......KEEP DANCING!!

Hubble Social Bubble Toil & Trouble

Hail Waltzing Witches & Wizards, Samba-ing Spooks and Terryfying Tangoers. It's HALLOWE'EN WEEK ON STRICTLY!!! Wait, what? It's NOT? But, but, but it's always spooky costumes and music and dancing on Hallowe'en! First no Blackpool and now no Hallowe'en? That's a croquembouche!. Oh well, safety first of course for everyone involved and at least Tony Beak doesn't have to get done up as a vampire. Again. Honestly, if he was a blood-sucker for realsies I'd be scoffing as much garlic as I could get my hands on and quaffing Holy Water at the same rate as I swally gin. 

Right. So. NO costumes. NO make up. NO themed music. Fine. I suppose I'll crack on then. 

Well, well, well. Seems we have a new entrant to Obvious Ringer. My detective pals people I've nicked stuff off the internet from have brought me most interesting news! Max from off of out of The Wanted is NOT a novice 'never even danced round me handbag' at all. Oh no, siree. He was, in fact, in the TV series Glee for six episodes playing a singing AND DANCING member of a rival Glee Club. Uh huh. Yep. Even if he did wear a shell suit, it's still shonky, if you ask me. It's starting to sound like Campanology Club with all the ringers out there. What's that? He had a body double for the dancing and was only there as eye candy / warbling? Hmmm. We shall see. 

Well, because of Bozza's Baffling Bulletin (the Lockdown Hokey Cokey Part Deux) the opening pro dance had to be cut. At least it was pre-recorded and we might see it on 'Sunday' results show. Which isn't Hallowe'en, which kind of defeats the object. The press conference was way more scary anyway.

So, we started late, there was nothing fancy going on and the audience still looked like they were about to watch a 19th century post-mortem. Which, to be fair, with some of the dances they were. Are you all set? Let's get on with it then. I have wine to drink.

Ringa-Dinga Max and Dianne kicked & flicked off proceedings with a Jive to I'm A Believer by The Monkees. Believer? I don't even know her! This was quite a mixed bag of a dance - some good bits, some things to work on. Max took it all on the chimp (sorry) as he tackled quite a difficult routine with tricky changes of pace and rhythm. He had plenty of energy, stayed in time and sync with Dianne and had some good bounce and stamina. His free arm was still a bit flingy, the kicks had very little retraction and his toes weren't as pointed as they could have been. The 'little lad at a wedding' knee slide was controlled, even if he did gurn his was through the dance. We need to remember it's only week two though and while Craig said he'd like to see Max more on his balls (of his FEET you filthy people) he scored a respectable 20 out of 30.

As we're now allowed to vote the inevitable sleb is churned out to read the Terms & Conditions. This week we were treated to sweary chef Gordon Ramsay. I was expecting quite a different set of Ts & Cs to be honest, but we were pre-watershed.

And on with the show. Clara & Aljaz were up next with a Viennese Waltz to You Don't Own Me by SAYGRACE. I love this song and Aljaz clearly wasn't to be deprived of Hallowe'en spookiness with a very atmospheric routine. This was quite a different Viennese with some definite Paso Doble flavours which were really interesting to watch. It wasn't easy choreography, either, with Aljaz chucking in fleckerls and reverse turns alongside the Paso / Flamenco handwork. Clara did really well and wasn't remotely fazed when her heel caught in her dress, covering up like a pro. The dance was quick, smooth and delivered with attitude, but she struggled with frame and posture and her shoulders hunched quite a bit, spoiling her top line. Room for improvement, but a jolly good effort scoring 17 out of 30.

Bill & Oti followed with a quirky Quickstep to Talk To The Animals by Bobby Darin. Bill continues to surprise and impress, delivering a light, quick, clippy and trippy dance (It wasn't just me seeing monkeys, alligators and an elephant was it?). I swear Oti would be able to teach a table to dance well. This was a fab routine and Bill could Dolittle wrong. He had bags of character, thoroughly enjoying himself with fun choreography. His lines and posture were great, his hands well shaped - impressing Craig - and his footwork was spot on. His natural musicality was evident throughout and did he menagerie to pull it off? A score of 24 out of 30 says so.

JJ & Amy took to the floor with a Paso Doble to Believer by Imagine Dragons. Boy Of The House (BOTH) used to have an imaginary dragon friend called Dragonty Dragonty, who had his own imaginary friend called Mousity Mousity. No wonder I drink. Anyway. The dance. Erm. Not JJ's best unfortunately. Amy had choreographed it well to accommodate JJ's injuries and he put loads of effort and hard work in. There was too much faffing about with cape-ography on the podium at the start and I was beginning to wonder if he was going to hit the floor at all. When he did, there was some good effort at Paso shaping and he tried to give us attack and attitude. It was slow for a Paso though and lacked fire & passion. Unfortunately, JJ's 'fierce' face was him staring at Amy with mad, wild eyes like he'd just trapped something important in his zip and was trying not to scream. He was nervous and it showed as his timing went off and his footwork faltered. He scored 17 out of 30 from the judges. 

Baron Von Biscuits Jamie & Karen danced what was allegedly an American Smooth to Night & Day by Frank Sinatra. Bless Jamie, he tries hard and has enthusiasm. Flying in on a crescent moon he looked the part in slick tails. There was some definite pizzazz with his attempts as Fred Astaire flair. Pity he was more Fred Flintstone. He showed some rhythm & swing and his timing was better this week. But his shoulders were so hunched he looked like Uncle Fester and his bum stuck out so much you could have balanced a tray on it. No danger of him Hob-Nobbing at the top of the leaderboard and he'll be a Jammy Dodger to not be in danger of a dunking this week. Another 17 out of 30 from Craig & Co.

As if that wasn't bad enough for him, he was followed by Maisie & Gorka dancing a Tango to Midnight Sky by Miley Cyrus. That's like putting Mr Blobby on to open for Bruce Springsteen, the poor sod. Maisie might be a ringer, but she's damn good to watch. This was a dance of sharp, clean lines, staccato head jerks, attitude, attack and intent. The choreography was dramatic and full of tricky content and change of pace. There was a little problem with maintaining the V shape required and there was a little wobble but otherwise a cracking routine. Thing is, how does she improve from here? Is she in danger of peaking too soon and hitting a plateau? The nines came out too soon for me and she scored 25 out of 30. Unless the nines were for the close up of Gork's glutes which got almost as much camera time as Maisie's mug?

And then I lost the will to live. Jacqui & Anton lolloped around the floor with a Samba to Help Yourself by Tom Jones or SAAAARRRRRMMMMMMBBBBAAAAARRRR as our Tone pronounces it. I don't know about Help Yourself. All the gods that were, are or ever will be couldn't help Jacqui. Not even an intervention from Ed 'Gangnam Style' Balls didn't work (I'm still having nightmares about him tea-bagging Katya in that). Ohhh Lordy! She was out of time, had no rhythm, plodded around and struggled with even the very simplest choreography. Looking dazed and confused like she was recovering from heavy sedation, she was dragged around the floor by Anton and his ever more desperate rictus grin. I've seen more bounce in a breeze block. In the end he shoved her on what looked suspiciously like a love swing as he tried to salvage some dignity. A savage 2 from Craig scored them just 12 out of 30.

**Nd s my hps wr rsd whn Hrvy & Jnntt tk t th flr wth thr Vnns Wltz t Stck Wth Y by Rn Grnd & Jstn Bbr. Thy shwd sm vry gd chmstry nd th ynglng scrbs p wll. Hrvy hd nc tp ln, wth grc & smth flw crss th flr. Thr ws sm lvly ftwrk & hs flckrl std p t scrtny. Hs frm ws bt tght thgh & h wnt bt wbbly - t mch rs & fll fr Vnns. Thy brght t th nn gns rly nd th cync n m sspcts crcdl trs bt h stll scrd 24 t f 30 (bt vrmrkd f y sk m)** (See below for fully vowelled version) 

PS - is it just me who thinks HRVY looks like Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas?

You can't unsee it now, can you?

Ranvir & Giovanni kicked off their week two with a Quickstep to You Are The Sunshine Of My Life by Stevie Wonder. This was a sunny, cheerful dance with lots of clever content. Ranvir seemed confident in and out of hold and she covered the floor well with some lovely light footwork.  She had a great frame which she maintained throughout the routine and showed a solid core. The Charleston break bit was a bit messy and her timing went out a bit, but this is a promising partnership and strong contender for Strictly Showmance 2020. A decent score of 21 out of 30.

Then it was time for the first Couple's Choice of the year. I'm not a massive fan of this and it must be hard to score fairly alongside the more traditional dances. Nicola & Katya chose Street Commercial to Shine by Years & Years. Choreographed to tell Nicola's story, this was an interesting routine and entertaining to watch. Nicola was, of course, light on her feet and showed loads of rhythm and timing. The flag work was almost impeccably synced and the dance had tons of energy with tight and sharp moves. Nicola still has to relax and perform a bit more - and trust Katya to choreograph to her strengths. But her million megawatt smile lights up the dancefloor and you can't fault her enthusiasm. This is shaping up to be a good partnership and I'm looking forward to seeing what they bring us next. A very respectable 24 out of 30.

A somewhat subdued Caroline & Johannes brought us a Paso Doble to El Gato Montes by Ramon Cortez (I'm never sure whether 'gato' means cake or cat, which is why I never eat in Spanish restaurants). Johannes was, of course, in full matador get up - you can't keep that lad away from tight pants & sequins - but Caroline was dressed much more matronly. She started with some very nice flamenco shapes and skirt work, she can definitely get her leg higher than I can for the promenade walks as well. Her arms and hands were beautiful, but the routine was low on attack & attitude. It was nice to look at, but all felt very...safe. Caroline stayed in character as a Spanish dowager and if she adores Johannes it's nonna your business. For an actress she needs to come out of her shell more and sparkle, or she'll be a mid-table early exit, I'm afraid. Still, she earned 21 out of 30 from the panel.

  

Jason & Luba closed the night with a Salsa to Get Lucky by Daft Punk ft Pharrell Williams & Nile Rodgers. They hit the floor looking like a pair of highlighter pens on speed. Fair hurt my eyes, it did. Whoever picked that colour needs A Word. Crikey. Despite looking worryingly like an Easter Island head in spandex, Jason gave this dance some welly. I mean, he proper went for it. Bags of bounce, shedloads of shimmy, oodles of energy he careered around the floor, clearly having the time of his life. There was some good rhythm & footwork, although he was a bit tentative and cautious in places. While I've seen more rotation in a minibus than there was in Jason's hips it was a fun and frivolous way to end the show. Lots of potential even if he did only score 18 out of 30.

 

And that was it. Not the Hallowe'en show we're used to but still an enjoyable night. I mean, is anyone really missing Bruno? To be honest, I'm not losing any sleep over the lack of histrionics, leering, arm flailing and 'oh no, I've fallen off my chair again' schtick. Maybe I'm just miserable (OI, what do you mean 'no maybe about it'?).

**And so my hopes were raised when Hrvy & Jannette took to the floor with their Viennese Waltz to Stuck With You by Ariana Grande & Justin Bieber. They showed some very good chemistry and the youngling scrubs up well. Hrvy had a nice top line, with grace & smooth flow across the floor. There was some lovely footwork & his fleckrl stood up to scrutiny. His frame was a bit tight though & he went a bit wobbly - too much rise & fall for a Viennese. They brought out the nana guns early and the cynic in me suspects crocodile tears but he still scored 24 out of 30 (bit overmarked if you ask me)** 

Wibbly wobbly timey wimey and all of a sudden it was Sunday. I mean, it really was for us but we ALL know the results show is filmed straight after the votes close. It'd cost them a fortune in studio time, otherwise.

The cut pro dance from last night made an appearance and it was suitably atmospheric with poor Janette Manraraskirt being passed around like a bag of crisps at a sleepover. And she got the crap costume as well. Like nobody had told her they were doing a dance. Oh, well. It was good.

Bruno beamed in from La La Land to give his opinion on last night's show. His contract from JFM seems to have expired and he's no longer sporting jet black locks. He looks better for it, mind. He didn't add a massive amount to proceedings and it seemed like someone had an eye on the wifi / satellite bill making sure he didn't add too much to the bill.

Sam Smith warbled through the usual song we're subjected to during these things. I've still not forgiven the Bond theme with the sex pest octopuses in the video (Google if you don't believe me). I'm sure Sam is fine - skreiking about how badly done to they were in their £7 million mansion during lockdown aside - but I'm not the greatest fan. The songs all sound the same 🤷🤷 <showing me age>.

With the drummer on overtime with the bumbeddy bumbeddy 'tension building' music the red lights of doom hovered like The Mysterons and finally settled on......

JAMIE AND JACQUI. Well, that was a surprise. Said nobody whatsoever. I mean, even Mystic Meg couldn't have predicted differently. It was just a case who was least worst. Which REALLY isn't saying a lot, to be honest. Like choosing whether you'd prefer root canal surgery or gallstones.

Claudia had to speak to the safe couples one by one - she called it a caterpillar of dance. I'm thinking cha cha cha of chat? Queue of Quickstep? Hmmm. Let me work on that.

As if we hadn't been spoiled enough, we were then 'treated' to another rendition of the abominations we'd seen earlier. And they weren't really any better, to be honest. If anything, Jacqui was worse. I know? Who thought it was even possible? Were we expecting it to be better, though? Nah, course we weren't!

I bet you can't guess who was voted off? Go on, guess?! 

OMG - YOU'RE RIGHT!! Surprise of the year it was Jacqui who was unanimously and unceremoniously dumped from the show. She probably still got more votes on Strictly than she did as an MP!

And that was that for another week. Sequins stored, feathers fettered, Dave Arch divested of his baton until next Saturday. And that's all from me, too.

Until MOVIE WEEK next week.......KEEP DANCING!!!! And I'm giving you your seven day pun alert. You have been warned.