Greeting, Dance Fans. Well, here we are again. Doesn't time fly when you're not allowed to have fun? Ah well, soon be Christmas. Probably. If The Powers That Be let us, that is. Some nerk of an 'expert' suggested we postpone the celebrations for six months and have it at the end of June instead. What The Actual? He does understand the Christian Church's concept of the event, doesn't he? You know, why it is when it is? It's really not something you can put off like your Auntie Renee's 80th. Pillock. We usually go for a curry on Christmas Day but I've done a Sainsbury's order just in case (other supermarkets are available, of course, but Sainsbury's is literally five minutes away so it's a no-brainer). Not having turkey, though. Since when have I been a conformist? Haunch of venison at our gaff this Yuletide, thank you very much. Although I may concede and allow pigs in blankets for the males in the house. Just to keep the peace. Buggered if I'm waiting till mid-2021 for that.
Anyway, I had a sneaky peek at the dance choices this week and it seemed to be a fairly even split of traditional ballroom and Latin. I was once at a rather posh dinner dance, strutting my funky stuff on the dance floor (there was a disco - I wasn't just randomly throwing shapes during the soup course). A be-tuxed gent sidled over and told me I had 'a splendid Latin bottom', Naturally, I was about to lamp him one - you can take the girl out of Salford, after all - when he hurriedly explained that he meant I had very good isolation of my hips well suited to the Latin dances. Makes a change from telling a girl she's got nice boobs eyes, I suppose. That's the nearest I ever got to the world of ballroom (unless you count the MC Hammer pants fad in the 90s) and I never took him up on his offer to teach me the basics. Shame - I could have been the next Shirley Ballas. These days I'm more Burly Ballast so that time has long passed. It's why I waffle on here, really.
And so to the proper dancing. It SHOULD have been Blackpool week but, due to some pesky virus you might have heard of, the dancers couldn't venture there this week. So you are cruelly robbed of my Best Puns Ever. What do you mean 'thank heavens for that'? Cheek of it. Well, if that's your attitude I'll get on with the show.
We actually got a pro-dance opener this week. A medley of seaside & sun type tunes with the gang in summer get up and Our Tone being given a central role in the number. It was meant to bring the Spirit of Blackpool to Elstree but it reminded me more of Saturday Seaside Special shows when I was a nipper. Which is not necessarily a bad thing unless you're lactose intolerant. I mean, those shows were cheeeeeesy!
Now, some hard of thinking viewers have been bombarding social media like Keyboard Cat demanding to know why Katya can do the group dances when she's supposed to be quarantined. They obviously have the attention span of a gnat as, not only do Tess & Claudia explain all the group dances were recorded earlier in the year every blimming week, JOHANNES HAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT HAIR DO!! What do they think he does? Wind his 'locks in like a Girls World doll before dancing with Caroline? Honestly.
Right. Rant over. On with the state of the remaining eight.
Bill & Oti kicked off proceedings with a lovely American Smooth to I've Got You Under My Skin by Frank Sinatra. Bill is completely enjoying his Strictly experience and obviously puts the hours in at rehearsals. In traditional top hat & tails he was smooth, suave and sophisticated throughout the routine. He was light and fleet of foot with plenty of swing and sway. As in previous weeks, Bill's frame was super and his hands were, as Craig said, exquisite. There was some fun prop work with canes - with only a minor stumble or two from Bill. The side-by-side sections were good and in synch but he struggled a little with the Fred Astaire slides and his feet were a bit flat in the jumps. An entertaining routine overall which earned Bill 25 out of 30.
Maisie & Gorka were up next with a Salsa to Better When I'm Dancing by Meghan Trainor. Being in the bottom two last week really shook Maisie up and she was keen to show the judges were right to keep her in. And, boy, did show them what she was made of. She came out with a bang, full on shimmy, shake, party girl attitude (she is only 19, remember). Her hips had great rotation, isolation and the required figure-of-eight movements. The routine was jam packed with tricks - wrist-rippers, walkovers, spins, lifts & somersaults. There were a couple of heavy landings that Gorka chivalrously took the blame for, but overall this was a sassy, spirited and entertaining dance. She'd finally taken the judges' notes on board about her footwork and generally tidied everything up. I have no idea what Shirley was going on about 'feminine sensing zones' (nor does anyone else - I Googled) but Maisie scored an impressive 27 out of 30.
JJ & Amy followed with a Quickstep to Once In My Life by Stevie Wonder. There's a lot to like about JJ's dancing - he has a great top line and frame, he puts the hours in and he obviously enjoys himself. Unfortunately, compared to everyone else, he isn't really improving. He is still a bit stiff and, while a good central line suits the Quickstep, it translated too far down to his feet making his footwork stilted and jerky. He wasn't smooth and flowing this week and he got a bit bouncy through the shoulders. His scatter chasses were good though and he sang along as he covered the floor. Better than last week, but not as good as he has been. He split the judges with Craig being more critical and Anton overmarking. 25 out of 30 for the duo.
Clara & Aljaz brought us a Samba to That's The Way I Like It by KC & The Sunshine Band. Inexplicably dressed like chefs - which had no reference to the samba or the lyrics - Clara struggled a bit this week with the change of style. Well, I say a bit. I mean a lot, poor thing. From the outset her timing was off and she was about half a beat behind Aljaz all the way through. She stumbled steps, bodged beats and missed marks. For a samba it was pretty low on content, ploddy & ponderous. Clara seemed tentative and was low on energy and sparkle required for the dance. She had some good shimmy but her hip rotation let her down and I've seen more bounce in a half-deflated space hopper. Definitely a bogey dance for Clara and her leader board topping score from last week nose-dived to just 18 out of 30.
Bouncy Biscuit Boy Jamie & Karen had picked a Couple's Choice Street Dance to I'm Going To Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) by C+C Music Factory. 'I'm going to make you sweat'? Is that supposed to be a chat up line? I'm not sure if that's romantic or a threat. Besides, my idea of a Couples' Choice is a large glass of Chardonnay and a pizza. Good job it's not the same for Jamie & Karen. Crikey, this was an energetic routine! Blasting out from the get go, the pace was relentless. Totally in character as a Bad Boi, Jamie completely threw himself into this dance. It was fast, fun, frenetic and FAB-U-LOUS. Mad changes of pace, fantastic footwork, tricky steps, a small attempt at breakdancing. The Strictly Superfans might have noticed some recycled moves from Karen's 'Let's Get Ready To Rhumble' routine with Chris Ramsey last year but it would be churlish to complain. Haring about like a toddler hopped up on Haribo and Sunny D, Jamie had a whale of a time. It's really obvious he and Karen get on like a house on fire (not in a Strictly Curse kind of way) and their friendship shone throughout. He got an AMAZING from Craig and a dizzying near perfect score of 29 out of 30.
Haaaarveeeey & Jaaaaneeeetteeee had to follow this with a Tango to Golden by Harry Styles. Again, not exactly Tango music and I, for one, found it a bit jarring. All Styles over substance, if you will. Nice choreography but for me it all looked a bit square peg, round hole. The masked ball concept was okay - and I'm sure my dad had that jacket in the 70s - but the pace was a tad too fast for a Tango with no time to really show off the lines it needs to look impressive. The Vowelless One had plenty of attack, power and drive in the routine and his staccato pieces were good. He had issues with his footwork though and made a few mistakes, although he did his best to cover them up. His frame was wobbly and his hands were like spades on Janette's back. The panel was still impressed with the content and gave him 26 out of 30.
And then came Caroline & Johannes with a Cha Cha Cha to Rescue Me by Fontella Bass. If backstage gossip is anything to go by, this song choice was Johannes' covert cry for help. Saints preserve us but what the HECK? The story of the dance was Johannes being a brave firefighter coming to Caroline's aid. Allegedly. I'm not sure what she was aiming for but she was less Damsel in Distress than Damned Mess In Dis-Dress. She looked like a Frankenstein's mash up of Mrs Slocombe from 'Are You Being Served' and Miss Hannigan from 'Annie'.
Where do I start with this? Caroline mugged & gurned her way through the routine trying to add 'comedy' (I use that term loosely on advice from my lawyers) to a dance that didn't need it. She was going full on Anton, side glances at the camera, half-drunkenly clinging on to Johannes, at one point LICKING HIS ARM! Have some decorum, love. Hasn't the man suffered enough already? I'm betting that wasn't part of Johannes' original choreography. She certainly put the Desperate in Desperate Housewives. Having said that, her footwork was decent enough, she had some nice lines and elegant legs. Her frame was good in hold and she stayed in time and in synch with Johannes. Shirley raved about Caroline's ankles again. I've not so much got cankles (calves & ankles merging) as shankles (shoulders & ankles) so this may colour my view of things. A slightly overmarked 24 out of 30 scored.
Ranvir & Giovanni closed the show with the series' first Argentine Tango to When Doves Cry by Prince. Blimey - it was steamier than a sauna on the dancefloor. Pre-watershed, too (she says, channelling Mary Whitehouse). Gio looked blisteringly hot in sprayed on kecks and guy-liner (I totally take back my earlier Kevin The Gerbil sex face remark) and Ranvir smouldered on the verge of bursting into flame. Goodness. It was sultry, sexy, powerful and dramatic, oozing sensuality. The attraction was almost palpable - even if they were just 'pretending' - eyes locked, tight contact and near-miss-kisses. It was seduction on the screen at its finest. I had to go and have a lie down with a damp cloth on my forehead afterwards. Ranvir coped really well with tricky steps and footwork. Her ganchos weren't quite sharp enough and she needed a bit more retraction on the flicks but, my word this was electrifying to watch. Shirl came over all unnecessary in her critique, coming across like one of Harry Enfield's Randy Old Ladies. Even Craig had to tell her to wind her neck in and Ranvir squeaked that her mum was watching. A very solid 27 out of 30 with the couple's first 10 of the series.
And that was that. All eight had done what they could and all that was left was to wait until the results show. The judges' scores are one thing but, at the end of it all, the decision lies with the public who hold the Fates of the contestants in their hands like the Gods on Mount Olympus.
Monday Eve rolled around as it usually does and we all tuned in to see who was going to get the chop. Last night I accidentally tuned into The Wall with Danny Dyer - or 'The Whoa' as His Cockneyship calls it. At least I know where HRVY's vowels have gone now - there's barely a consonant in Danny's diction. Mind you. I reckon he really sounds like Sir Ian McKellan and has to get into Artful Dodger character backstage. Sort of Eliza Dolittle in reverse. I'm ashamed to say I got hooked to the premise and had to watch another episode on catch up. So sue me - I can't be all Portrait Artist Of The Year and University Challenge.
The Results show opened with a lovely contempowaft dance by the pros to Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. Nice gentle routine but the pink & grey outfits did make it look kinda like of one of those rehearsed wedding dances Bridezillas makes everyone learn and you can't wait for it to be over so you can make a beeline for the buffet.
Bruno beamed in with his usual OTT schtick we've not really missed much. And, to be fair, he doesn't get much airtime with it at the top of the show. Which is probably a good thing.
You know the drill by now. Tess and the drummer - or more likely a backing track - become As One to impart to us who will dance again next week. I do wish one week she'd think 'Sack it' and just blurt out who the bottom two were before sloping off for a cheeky bifter behind the bins (that's a quick cigarette for the mucky minded). Alas, this was not to be this week and she followed the usual formula, finally revealing that CAROLINE was the first dancer in danger. She tried the old 'didn't win the Oscar but I have to clap the winner' face / attitude but I didn't quite buy it. She seemed a wee bit surprised to he here - and even Shirley said she was surprised she was in the bottom two.
Claud's Caterpillar Of Chat / Queue of Quips whatever you want to call it gave the couples a chance to reflect on the week, how they'd really been feeling and what a relief it was to be through. It's actually better with them being spoken to one couple at a time, as the previous 'all in the Clauditorium together' sometimes ended up with one celebrity hogging the camera (I'm looking at you Karim 'I'd turn up to the opening of someone's bowels' Zeroual. I still remember him being hoiked backwards by the scruff of his next when he tried to careen onto the stage to be first to be on camera congratulate Kelvin & Oti.
Billy Ocean rocked up and gave us a nice medley of his past hits. Ah, that took me back to my yoof. Again, most likely to have been filmed earlier this year before people start writing to Points Of View making idiots of themselves. We had the judges' recaps and comments. I don't know what they said, mind. I was busy making a vodka martini (shaken, not stirred, natch) for me and HOTH. Probably Craig & Shirley trying to out snark each other or something. Shirley STILL didn't elaborate on 'feminine sensing zones' so we're none the wiser.
Tess and The Timpani Of Terror resumed to further whittle down the contenders until our second dancer-offerer was announced as MAISIE.
Maisie again? The poor thing. I know some people think she comes across a bit cocky and arrogant - much like Pixie Lott in a previous series - but, come on folks. Her dance last night was good. And better than some others who might have been kept in for sentimental reasons. What is she going to have to do to prove herself? I'm not her biggest fan by any means but I do hope her spirit isn't crushed knowing Strictly fans don't like her.
So - Caroline v Maisie. Battle of the Latin dances. You saw it, right? Well, we had to see it again. But I suppose it's the only way to decide who has to go. Unless they announce who got the lowest number of votes and they get to do a Trump and carry on claiming they've won. Jousting is out of the question - imagine the poo on the dancefloor - never mind what the horses might drop. Or, or, or maybe they should do what Dancing On Ice does and have all the couples learn a completely different elimination dance routine - everyone getting the same dance & music? That'd put the cat among the pigeons for sure having to have to knock together a quick Charleston or a rapid Rumba <note to self - add to earlier ideas to pitch to production>. If it happens next series you know where they got the idea.
Maisie danced first - adding even more spark and energy, and landing the tricks much better . A cleaner dance overall.. Caroline. Caroline. Erm. Well, at least she didn't lick Johannes' arm this time round. Which he was probably thankful for. And so was I, if I'm honest.
Of course, it was a completely foregone conclusion and the judges unanimously voted to keep Maisie in to dance another day. As if it was going to be any otherwise. Caroline did her best 'had a lovely time, friends for life, love Johannes' bit but he looked bloody relieved he doesn't have to dance with her next week, put it that way. And that was it for this week.
You'll have to tune in next Saturday to see what our Magnificent Seven have in store. Until then......
KEEP DANCING!!
WOMAN DANCING BEHAVING BADLY - CAROLINE IS UP THE (JONATHAN) CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE
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