To The Victor, The Balls

 

Well, here we are at last. The week we've all been waiting for. We started off with a Dancing Dozen of celebrities - several of which I'd actually heard of - and whittled them down one by one until we were left with the Final Four. From pop stars to politicians, soap slebs to sporties, each fell by the wayside, leaving us with:

Bill & Oti

HRVY & Janette

Jamie & Karen

Maisie & Gorka

Tonight their fate lay solely in the hands of the public. A popularity contest of who the folks at home wanted to have it more. Anyone could have won, but only one WOULD. This week, our finalists were doing three dances: The Judges' Choice - one they thought the couples could have improved, The Showdance - where anything goes, and The Couples' Favourite. The Twelve Dances Of Christmas.

It's been a very busy weekend with all the socially distant running around & shopping. Trying to guess if five hundredweight of easy peelers will be enough for three people, wondering what to get for Auntie Beryl. Then remembering you don't actually have an Auntie Beryl, so what are you worrying for? Whoever wrote that Christmas is The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year has obviously never had to brave the scrum in Card Factory looking for a 'To A Wonderful Binman At Christmas' (don't bother looking for one, they don't have them). Christmas? Christmad more like.

With that and the lockdown news that was on just before Strictly I haven't really had time to do the full blog, I'm afraid. So, I've decided to do something just a little bit different for my last Strictly post. I'm giving you a poem (WAIT! COME BACK! It's not that bad. I've been published, I'll have you know). 

It was Strictly, The Final

HRVY the popstar opened the show

With the jive from week one that had then scored quite low

He'd put in the practice and polished his dance

And scoring near perfect, he was in with a chance

Jamie came next, with his moves Herculean

His Charleston rejigged that the Judges were keen on

He swivelled and wiggled and covered the floor

With twenty-six scored, but he should have got more

Bill Bailey, the comic, a Quickstep he brought

The Panel had liked it, but the score came up short

This time he was sharper, his rhythm much better

The steps that he danced? Had them down to the letter

Maisie's first go was her samba with Gorka

She gave it some welly, the routine a corker

Her top line was epic, her hips had rotation

Surely now she'd win the hearts of the nation?

So back round to HRVY, his showdance quite stunning

Janette's choreography was clever and cunning

There were steps from all dances, the timing so fine

The Panel were happy, and he scored twenty-nine

Baron Von Biscuits, with his second shot

Went out hell for leather, he gave us the lot

Cartwheels and spinning, dancing quickly and slowly

And to cap it all off a big roly poly!

Bill came out next all fierce fire and passion

With a dance to rock music, as is his fashion

Oti was spinning, his guitar was on fire

And with a ten from each Judge he couldn't score higher

Maisie returned with a Christmas themed number

With everything in there except, phew, the rumba

The nailed all the steps, the scary drum leap

And was the second contestant to score a clean sweep

HRVY's last dance was the American Smooth

With a high score last time, was there room to improve?

Well pickle me walnuts, as Len used to say 

He only went and did it, scoring tens all the way

Jamie & Karen brought their time to a close

With their Street Commercial that was more than just pose

He ramped up the tempo, the flair and the fun

He also scored thirty, oh wait, minus one

Bill & Miss Oti reprised Rapper's Delight

Which, for me - I'll be honest - was the dance of the night

He was slicker and quicker, with popping & locking

But didn't score thirty which is frankly quite shocking

Maisie's last dance brought an end to the show

With her stunning Quickstep that was great from the go

She was fast, fleet and fab, her feet were aflame

But would the Glitterball trophy be hers to claim?

First Bruno showed up, then Nicola and Katya

And the rest of the cast coming dancing right at ya

Macca & Idris, Robbie singing a song

Who was the winner? We didn't wait long

The people had rung in, the public got votey

The victors were announced as......

BILL BAILEY & OTI!!!!

Now Bill had been expected to be quite a donkey

People thought that his dances would be rather shonky

But never judge a book just by its cover

He turned out to be quite the Strictly dance lover

And he walked off last night with the best prize of all

Win Two for Oti and the fine Glitterball

And there we have it for another year. Only the Christmas Special next week with the favourite 25 dances across the years that Strictly has been on. So, you know we're going to get Ann Widdecombe being used as a mop and Ed Balls teabagging poor Katya Gangnam Style.

Thank you for reading along. It's been great fun doing the blog again. Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. Keep safe and - most of all

KEEEEEEEEEEP DANCING!!!!!

Let's Get Ready To Rumba

 

Hello again, dance fans. It doesn't seem like five minutes since we were last here dissecting the dances, chatting about cha chas, waffling about waltzes and all that jazz. Just one more week to go until the champion is crowned and I get my weekends back from this malarkey. I jest - I love doing this. I get to be bitchy about people I don't personally know, about a subject I have very little experience of, all while embibing a jolly nice glass of something alcoholic in nature. Now, don't get me wrong. I drink very responsibly. I never spill a drop.

Christmas is also just around the corner. At the minute I'm seeing more of the Amazon delivery guy than I am of HOTH. The spare room is looking like an outreach of the post office and there's enough cardboard to keep the recycling chaos busy until Easter. And that's just HOTH's pressies!

But on to why we're really here. IT'S SEMI FINAL WEEK! Our quality quintet are nearly at the end of their journey. They've wheeled out kids, cats, parents, parrots, grans, grandads, pets & perky poppets galore to try and win our votes hearts. There's not many more relatives they can drag out. At least Covid has spared us from the obligatory visit back the the celebs' old school while they perform their piece to a load of bored tots who don't really have a clue who they are, but are just excited that they get to miss maths. I know how they feel. It was like when they wheeled the big telly out when I was at school (no, it wasn't black & white you cheeky sods - but it was in a wooden cabinet). Ah, those were the days. How We Used To Live, Picture Box and Jigsaw. Which brought us the frankly terrifying Mr Noseybonk.

I mean, what were they thinking? This was a KIDS' TV show! He makes Annabel look like Teddy bloody Edward. You're going to have nightmares tonight, trust me.

Well, our couples won't have to fret. They've only got the judges to worry about. Mind you, Craig can be a right one when he gets going - though he does seem to have been milder on the dancers this year. Must be getting soft in his old age.

This week each couple has to do TWO dances for our delictation, which means double the delight. Or twice the twaddle, depending on how much choreo has stuck in. I'd be terrible. I'd probably break into \ Charleston half way through an Argentine. I don't think Craig would be too impressed seeing birdy flaps instead of ganchos. Although it might liven things up a bit.

So, how did they do? Lay on Macduff, as Billy Shakespeare once wrote. Come with me and you'll see, there's a world of pure dancimation (I know that's not a word but it sort of scans).

The audience were back this week, suitably socially distanced, sanitised and masked up. Can you imagine what aliens / distant future archaeologists are going to make of the footage? They'll probably think we were all into kinky stuff set to music. All the Covid precautions didn't stop them whooping & hollering like Howler Monkeys on the Stella, though. Well, mainly. But more of that later.

Jamie & Karen opened the show with a Salsa to Last Dance by Donna Summer. After a lengthy VT section of family & friends, including his usually reticent dad wishing him luck, Jimmy Biscuits was more Broken Biscuits, bless his little pure-silk-from-the-tails-of-unicorns socks. Well, this was a smashing little number, full on disco-salsa fun. Jamie got the party started with an 'anything goes' routine with some tricky steps and jaw-dropping lifts. I mean, at one point he was probably closer to Karen than her gynaecologist has ever been. They did a double section of wrist-ripper bum slides along with the basic salsa steps and the routine was high energy, high tempo, highly entertaining. His hip rotation wasn't as present as it could have been, he was a little flat footed and his free arm looked like it was having a party of its own. A good effort but he still only scored his now routine 24 out of 30, despite looking more like Andy Bell off of out of Erasure than ever,

JAMIE & KAREN AWAIT THEIR SCORES

Rob Brydon popped up to do the Terms & Conditions, pointing out he wasn't Anton. Apparently he gets mobbed by Fantons all the time who mistake him for Tony Beak. Should've gone to Specsavers, ladies. I was disappointed he didn't do his Ken Bruce impression. He once stood in for Uncle Ken for a whole show, being 'Ken' and late tuners in didn't notice the difference. I wonder if he played 'It Should Have Bryn Me'?

Ranvir & Giovanni followed with a wonderful Waltz to Un Giorni Per Noi by Josh Groban. Ranvir's VTs were all about how much she has grown confidence, come out of her shell and started believing in herself. It's something Gio seems to excel at - bringing the most of out of his partners and making them feel good about themselves. This was a beautiful dance, full of grace, style & emotion. Ranvir was light, sweeping across the floor with a wonderful frame and top line - which the judges have said is as good as any pro's. The choreography was simple & understated with some lovely spins, turns & fleckerls as well as the requisite rise and fall. Her footwork wasn't as clean as it could have been and her balance wobbled a couple of times, Craig saying her dress hid a multitude of sins. Shirley praised her arms, saying they were very 'eloquent'. I think someone should get her a thesaurus for her Secret Santa. A decent score of 26 out of 30 nonetheless.

Bill & Oti were up next with a cracking Charleston to Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey by Ottilie Paterson with Chris Barber. Apparently Bill is really called Mark, but a teacher nicknamed his Bill after this song and it stuck. Which was very handy. Flipping heck. Oti must have put every single Charleston step in the history of the dance in this number. I mean, it had EVERYTHING! Bill, as usual, had great character, throwing himself into the routine with enthusiasm and gusto. His side by side sections with Oti were totally in sync, his timing was great and his stamina never flagged despite the tempo. He pulled all the right goofy faces and looked like he was having a whale of a time. Most important of all - he had stupendous swivel in his feet. He was a little stiff through his upper body but overall he was impressive - with Craig even changing the lyrics in his critique to 'Don't You Go Home, Bill Bailey'. Just 25 out of 30 scored, though.

Maisie & Gorka brought us a Couple's Choice with a Street Dance / Commercial to Gettin' Jiggy Wit It by Will Smith. Now, you see, this is why I'm not a judge. I'm sure it was very technical and all that, but it just left me...cold. And I'm not alone. A lot of the people I chat to about Strictly said exactly the same. Nothing against Maisie Three Expressions (honestly, she's the Colin Farrell of dance. All he can do is 'baffled', 'angry baffled' & 'happy baffled') but, for me, it was missing something. It was like one of those end-of-term talent shows we had to sit through on Christmas Holiday break up day where you sorta like the kids, but wish they'd have done something else. Like not bother. Or hurry up so the teachers would put the Chilly Willy films on. For me it was all a bit cliched. Basketball court set - check. Jock letter jackets - check. Bad breakdancing - check. Apparently, breakdancing is going to be a 'showcase' sport in the 2024 Olympics. I shan't start polishing my lino just yet. But I suppose it must have been good. The judges raved over it like it was The Second Coming and Shirl declared it one of the best numbers she had ever seen. No, Shirl. No it wasn't. Did y'all miss the completely fudged up leg-ography and the bits where she was ahead of the beat? They must have because Maisie scored a full house 30 out of 30. I'm with Colin Farrell on this one. Baffled.

Haaaaaarveeeeeey & Jnt ended Round One with a Rumba to Only You by - according to the BBC site - Kylie Minogue and James Corden. Kylie & Corden? Kylie & bloody Corden? I think you'll find it was Yazoo, mate. I should know, it's my karaoke go to. Now, you know my feelings on the rumba. Walk, walk, wiggle, wave, pout, wiggle, cuddle. Bleurgh. I told you I'm allergic to romance. Don't get me started with that 'Love You To The Moon & Back' stuff. You know that's fewer than 500,000 miles, right? I mean, I wouldn't want to walk it but, universally speaking, it's like saying you love someone to the corner shop & back. The Proclaimers have probably walked that be now anyway. So, yeah. The rumba. This was NOT his dance.  It wasn't romantic or sexy and there was no flow. You could hear the poor floor manager trying to gee the audience into cheering & clapping. The Consonantaphile didn't seem to get to grips with the routine at all. He was completely stop/start, clunking from one move to the next, standing about a lot while Janette wafted about. His footwork was poor - pigeon toed throughout the dance and he got off balance more than once. The lowest score of the night so far, just 23 out of 30.

And so to Part Two. Each celeb had a VT section from the judges this time, commenting on their improvements, what the judges liked and their best bits so far. Fewer tears all round then.

 

Jamie & Karen kicked off the second half with a Quickstep to Thank God I'm A Country Boy by John Denver. This was a...different style of Quickstep. More barn dance / hoe down with not all the usual steps you'd normally expect. There was a lot of faffing & dancing on benches, a CGI menagerie of farm animals and a haystack in there, but it was fun. Jamie had a massive grin on his face, clearly enjoying every second - as was I. It was light, clippy & tidy - although Jamie lost timing on a couple of occasions as he got a bit giddy. He didn't shirk any of the steps though and was mostly in sync with Karen. The judges seemed to like it, but the poor lad STILL only scored 24 out of 30.

Ranvir & Giovanni's second dance was a Jive to Candyman by Christina Aguilera (how come she can say it three times without this dude turning up to put a dent in her day)

Erm. I think the less said about this the better. The Jive can be a winning dance or a bogey one. It was definitely the latter for Ranvir. Her weight was way too far back, meaning she was off balance from the start. She lacked retraction on her kicks & flicks, which were leaden, lumpy and stompy. She was clearly not enjoying herself with this routine and it translated into her movements. She was flat-footed and flappy, too upright and stiff. To be honest, the best thing about it was nautical but nice Giovanni, dressed like a Jean-Paul Gaultier sailor. Very harsh comments from the judges this time round and Ranvir scored a terrible 18 out of 30.

I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS HERE....

Bill & Oti ended their night with a Tango to Enter Sandman by Metallica. Yes, you read that right. Metallica. Maybe Bill & I should team up to write Metallica The Musical, since I would love to do a Viennese waltz to Nothing Else Matters by them. A Paso to Master of Puppets & we're sorted. Dave Arch was in his element getting his rock on to this. Bill was playing air guitar as well here. He had very good drive & attack, great eye contact and partnership with Oti and he built the atmosphere with staccato head turns and flamenco steps. His footwork was off, though, and there was no V shaping. His shoulders were a bit hunched and he had some balance issues. Although claiming to be a heavy metal fan, Shirley proper tore into him - leading to Craig encouraging the crowd to boo her for a change. Perhaps it was too much of a stretch for Strictly and Bill scored 23 out of 30.

Maisie &Gorka slowed things down with a Viennese Waltz to A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. As you know, Maisie hasn't done a lot of ballroom numbers - and I don't know why. This was by far a better dance than her earlier one. It was lyrical, lovely and light. Maisie was flowing and smooth, keeping the rise & fall in check and her frame was elegant, finishing all of her extensions and lines. The footwork was on point - Shirley standing and watching like a hawk to make sure - and the partnership between the pair was sweet. Not sure what the guitar brought to the dance (poor Maisie couldn't even mime playing it) but the judges liked it and awarded 29 out of 30.

YVRH & Janette Manraraskirt closed the show with their Charleston to Another Day Of Sun by the La La Land cast. This was more like it. Janette had been following the Oti Chuck It All In School of Choreography and everything was in there but the kitchen sink. It didn't have quite the same atmosphere as Bill's, but it was still fun to watch. Loads of tricks, flips & lifts, bags of swivel, great musicality head to toe. He performed with plenty of pizzazz & attitude, though he did get out of sync with Janette a couple of times. Not that the judges cared  noticed, mind. Motsi got unnecessarily hysterical, saying he'd be back next year as a pro (err...Motsi, you DID watch the rumba, right?). A top of the shop 30 out of 30.

And that was that. Ten dances done & dusted. The celebs had done everything they could and now it was down to the popularity vote to see who would survive through to the final.

Monday Eve - AKA Sunday - reared its little head once more. HOTH, SOTH & I got our festive on and decorated the house & Christmas tree. I even made some very disturbing shepherds and a 'sheep' like looks like an early version of Dolly The Clone (the ones they don't show on TV). Look, nobody has the impression I'm the next Damien Hirst, okay. More Damn It Hurts, if I'm honest.

The pro dance started with a mean & moody Aljaz, barefoot Karen on a rotating stagey bit, then Greasy Arnold barging in and it all getting funky to Kate Bush's Running Up That Hill. The rest of the pros posed theatrically, basically acting as the set & props. I had flashbacks to the Gay Zebra all over again.

Tess didn't have much to do, really. Five couples, two in the dance off? It was never going to take long, was it?

The first Dance Off denizen was....

RANVIR

Oh well. She must have had an inkling she would be in danger this week. The judges' comments were harsh on both occasions and she was at the bottom end of the leader-board at the end of 'last night'. As we know, it only takes one duff night to stick a spanner in your Strictly works - and poor Ranvir had the whole toolbox dumped on her.

Up in the Clauditorium, Maisie was told she was the youngest ever finalist, at which she went bananas. Well, it's not exactly rocket science, Mais. You're the youngest flipping contestant. And in some fab news, Janette will be in her first ever final next week! I know, madness isn't it? Eight years on Strictly and not a sniff of the final.

Two thirds of Little Knicks - sorry, Little Mix (they'll catch their deaths in those outfits they usually wear) belted out their latest for our entertainment, while Johannes & Luba strutted their funky stuff. I don't know where the other two were - maybe they weren't keen on the outfits they'd been given. One of the poor things looked like she'd been in a fight with a candlewick bedspread and Big Bird. And lost.

The judges did their bit while I served up the profiteroles I'd got free with my frozen food shop. Let's say it was from, oh, I don't know..Greenland? Very nice they were, too. The profiteroles, not the judges. Rumour has it Bruno is earning £33,000 A MINUTE! Not a bad gig if you can get it. That'd keep you in Werther's wouldn't it?

Quick visit back to Tess and we knew who would be joining Ranvir in the dance off. It was...

JAMIE

Poor Baron Von Biscuits. He's been at the bottom more times than the soggy Hob Nob I dunk in my cuppa. Yes, I know he's not technically brilliant and is starting to look a bit out of his depth but the joy he brings when he dances is off the scale. Craig was particularly effusive in his encouragement to Jamie, telling him they'd put him through every time because they know what he can do.

Claud had a chat with Bill about his Strictly experience and to say he's had a good time is a bit like saying Everest is quite high. Or water is a bit damp. You get the picture.

Jamie chose to reprise his salsa from Saturday. Unsurprisingly, Ranvir had chosen to do her waltz again. No way was she going to do that jive EVER again, if she could help it. It was all going to be down to who impressed the judges most. As you know, I'm no expert but Jamie went for it even better than on Saturday, nailing his bum spin (so to speak). Ranvir was, again, beautiful and elegant. It was going to be a close call.

It was very, very difficult. Craig was deliberating for some time and seemed to change his mind a couple of times before saving Jamie. Motsi was quicker off the announcing she was saving Ranvir. Another week, another split decision from the judges. Maybe they're just doing it to make Our Shirl feel useful as she had the casting vote as Head Judge. And so she made decision. The dancer going home, falling at the semi-final hurdle was.....

RANVIR. There's no doubting she had a great time and has grown so much. I will miss her, though. She has a humble grace & humility that seems very genuine. She even apologised to Giovanni for being voted out, bless her. Long may she continue to dance.

And so we have our finalists: BILL, HRVY, JAMIE & MAISIE. Who's your money on? It's going to be a close one, that's for sure. Join me next week for the last instalment,  hopefully with my assistant lending a paw again.

Until then, KEEEEEEEEP DANCING!!!

SUCH A SHAME SHE'S AN ALSO RAN-VIR, PIPPED AT THE POST

I'll just leave this here again.

Footloose & Dancy Free

 

Well, here we are again folks. Another week of Strictly shenanigans, another week closer to the final. In just two short weeks we'll find out who has danced their way to the Glitterball - or, at least, who is most popular with the public. I'm still smarting from Danny Mac getting robbed pipped by Ore 'cries at the drop of a sequin' Oduba. Journey Schmourney. Danny's American Smooth still makes me catch my breath.

It's weird to think that in three weeks' time it will be Boxing Day. The day most people are stewing in a hangover funk, half the family aren't speaking to each other anymore and folk are wondering what the hell they're going to do with 16 kilos of leftover turkey that doesn't involve salmonella. And all the batteries in the kids' noisy toys have magically been thrown in the bin depleted. SOTH was given a Wiggles guitar one year. It had a mind of its own and used to go off randomly like it was possessed - it probably was, knowing our luck. Usually at about 3am, just before SOTH would roll over on Iggle bleeding Piggle and set him off singing his smug blue head off. Honestly, it was like The Amityville Horror. So, one day, Wiggles guitar failed to work. Mainly because we'd taken its Hellspawn batteries out. We told SOTH that replacements had to be imported from Australia (where The Wiggles live) and we had to have a special licence to import them. Ha. Wiggles Ghoultar silenced!

And so to what we're actually here for. It's MUSICALS WEEK on Strictly. One of the weeks we still look forward to, even if we sometimes have to guess what's going to be shoehorned in as a 'musical' or which one is going to be recycled yet again. So, here we go. Although I will warn you - HOTH & I were on the homemade fruit cider so I could have been watching a repeat of Prime Minster's Question Time for all I know.

Saturday night opened with a FAB-U-LOUS camp & kitsch pro-dance based on The Adventures Of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert. It was great fun and Gio, Gorka & Johannes in drag, wafting their fans and strutting their stuff in heels, was quite the sight to behold - even if Gorka cheated a bit wearing block Cuban heels instead of the killer stilettos Gio & Johannes were wearing. Johannes was clearly living his best life and Team GG camped it up to the max. I mean, they looked better than some of the ladies - certainly much better than I do when I'm all gussied up. I look more like Les Dawson in his Cissy & Ada sketches. Only less feminine.

Me on the left at the last work's Christmas Party

I know the wardrobe team are reduced this year, but Tess came out looking like she'd forgotten to put a top on or they'd had to use some of the material in her jumpsuit elsewhere. Meanwhile, Claudia looked like she was wearing an outfit made from quilted toilet paper. Which is quite the possibility.

JJ & Amy opened proceedings with a Charleston to Chitty, Chitty Bang Bang. I'm pretty sure you don't need me to tell you what musical that's from. JJ is, unfortunately, suffering from repeated infections in his leg from shrapnel still embedded and it looks like this is affecting his dancing. It could have been a Truly Scrumptious routine, but the choreography and content were stripped right back. JJ had some good swivel in his feet and there were some good jumps & heel clicks but it wasn't quite zany enough for me. JJ looked like he was having a good time and his side-by-side bits and opposite side dancing were good but there were a few mistakes, especially towards the end. There was a lot of stop / start, too, with JJ appearing to pause between sections instead of flowing from one move to another, which spoiled things a little. He was a bit flat footed in some parts but he performed the piece well overall. The judges weirdly concentrated more on his various body parts than his dancing. A score of 20 out of 30 sent him to the bottom of the leader board Toot Sweet.

Ranvir & Gio were up next with a Viennese Waltz to She Used To Be Mine from Waitress - no, I've not heard of it either. The VT was very sweet with Ranvir saying she never feels good enough and struggles to believe in herself. She bloody should after this dance. My word. It was simply beautiful. The routine was sublime - romantic, soft, sensual and emotive. Ranvir was gorgeous, performing every beat of the song with heart and emotion. Her top line was exquisite, her footwork superb and she was full of grace as she swept across the floor. There was an amazing standing spin that seemed to go on forever (in a good way) and Shirley said Ranvir had done the best fleckrl she had ever seen. Her back bend arch was incredible, her arms elegant. There wasn't a dry eye in the house - including here (what? I'm not completely heartless). The judges were also impressed and she scored 27 out of 30).

Maisie & Gorka  followed with a Jive to Little Shop Of Horrors from...I give up. They're not even trying to make us guess the musical this year. Is Maisie ever going to do a ballroom number? Surely she's run out of the 'party' dances by now? She probably needs something slower after this very high energy routine. While she may be a plant, she had the Audreyance in the palm of her hand. Maisie was in time and synch with Gorka throughout and she did her best to perform the dance - although she does seem to have only three facial expressions - open mouth, rictus grin, 'yeah baby'. She coped well with some difficult steps, including dancing on a table, but her arms were still a bit flingy and her kicks & flicks lacked sharp retraction, especially towards the end as her stamina flagged. She's finally listened to the judges and tidied up her feet a bit and she's showing more musicality. I'm just disappointed Gorka wasn't dressed as the dentist. That would have been a gas!

Have you seen the alternative ending to this film? WAY better in my opinion but apparently test audiences nixed it because it wasn't a 'happy and uplifting' one. I won't spoil it if you've not seen it but if you have you know what I'm going on about. Bet you agree with me, don't you? 😉. Anyway, I think we'll definitely Seymour of Maisie as she scored a cracking 29 out of 30, and a 10 from Shirl.

Bill & Oti took to the floor with an Argentine Tango to Phantom Of The Opera from...go on, guess what it's from. Bill was the Manny In The Mask for this routine. It was slow for an Argentine and seemed to lack the proper power, attack and intent we usually see. Bill's expression was more manic than menacing and for once I didn't quite believe his character. The content was low and not really technically challenging and while Bill did his best to lead Oti, he didn't have a lot of drive through the floor. His frame and posture was good, and overall his footwork was pretty decent. His ganchos were loose, though, and his rondes were wobbly, sending him off balance in places. There were some ploddy bits and Bill seemed to be walking through some of the parts, with Oti doing all of the work. Not his best dance for me, but Craig declared it 'phantasmagorical'. Bill scored 24 out of 30 for another week, keeping him mid-table.

Haaaaarveeeeey & Jaaaaaneeeeetteeeee hit us with an American Smooth to One (Singular Sensation) from A Chorus Line. Well, it was obvious where the wardrobe budget went this week. There was so much bling, sequins & glitter in the outfits it was difficult to see where VowelOPhobe ended and Janette began. Actually, come to think of it, he looked rather like a Sherbet Fountain.

This was a proper, old school Golden Age Of Hollywood routine and Janette made sure all the crowd pleasing steps were in there. We had Fred & Ginger glides, high kicks, all around razzamatazz and all that jazz. His hands were occasionally like shovels, but the boy nailed this. He had swing, sway & swagger, embodying the character to the Max. (Oh, wait. He went out a few weeks ago, didn't he - after Naughty Wordgate?) We were treated to full on flair with some very tricky choreography and some really good and difficult lifts, twazzing Janette round like a majorette baton - I'm sorry for using such technical terms, by the way. His feet were great and his frame was solid. He did get a bit carried away on occasion, meaning his timing went off a bit, but overall a jolly good show. Shirley gushed over Janette's choreo (deservedly so) but announced it was Janette's first quarter final, totally glossing over the fact she'd got to the semis with Jake Wood in 2014. Before Shirl's Strictly stint though - and nobody probably dares set her straight if they know What's Good For Them. Motsi went on for what seemed like 25 minutes, and the pair finally scored 29 out of 30.

Jamie & Karen closed the show with a Jive to Everybody's Talking About Jamie from the musical of the same name. See, no surprises. It's not the best known musical - apparently a true story about a boy from the North going to the school prom in drag. A bit like Billy Elliott with more make up and frocks. Jamie - playing the titular Jamie (must have been a stretch for him) came out looking like a Wee Jimmy Krankie tribute act.

It's a shame he wasn't in drag, but that would probably have led to more complaints to OfCom and Points of View from the Professionally Offended And Outraged Society (POOS for short) whinging about the 'indecent content'. Prannocks. Jamie tried hard with this dance, although it seems he can't actually function unless his mouth is agape. Still, he had plenty of energy and he had lots of fun with the routine. He was a bit too upright, which meant his kicks & flicks lacked retraction and his feet were floppy. Karen actually stood in front of him on the desk dance bit, hiding his footwork from scrutiny. The choreography was low on content and technique and there were a few errors, including being wildly out of synch at one point. Still, Jamie enjoyed it and he scored 24 out of 30.

And that was that for Musicals Week. It's Annie-one's guess who will get through to next week, although Oliver fiver on Ranvir still being there. It's a Greasey pole down at the bottom and whoever gets saved will need The Commitments to survive. The semi final will be Wicked as someone's dream will come to a Les Miserables end. The Cats will be among the pigeons alright, but I wouldn't bet my Rent on anyone staying on the Strictly Carousel. The Hairspray will be in abundance as we listen to the Sound Of Music, I'll bet. Nobody knows what The Producers have in store but we can be assured that Anything Goes in this Cabaret. It'll be Saturday Night Fever for sure, Guys & Dolls. Mama Mia, I can't wait. So, all aboard the Starlight Express for our Return To The Forbidden Planet of dance.

What? You think I'd let musicals week slide without some terrible puns? I've already warned you Anything Goes here.

Sunday popped up over the horizon and it was The Results Show. Tonight we'd lose another celebrity and we'd be down to five couples for the semi-finals next week. It all seems to have happened so quickly this year. Which, to be fair, it kind of would seeing as there's fewer couples and shows this year. I've kind of liked it - Stripped Down Strictly (not Strip Strictly - that would be a different kettle of fish altogether and you already know my feelings on Tony Beak in his skimpies).

The cast of '& Juliet' turned up months ago to give us a performance and, to be honest, it looks like it's probably quite the jolly romp. From what I can Google tell it's a 'what if' musical about what might have happened if Shakespeare had been persuaded to change the ending of his Teen Tragedy. Sort of like if the test audiences asked about Little Shop Of Horrors had got their hands on it. The showcase example tonight and the internet trailer looks kind of fun and if we're ever allowed to visit theatres again I might put this on my 'To See' list.

Anyhoo...

We had the usual Tess, drums, tension etc. You know the score by now. No matter how she tries to stretch it out having only six couples left it wasn't long before...

JAMIE was announced as first to face the dance off chop. He's starting to make a habit of it now, but at least he takes it with very good grace and knows it's usually because he dropped a ball somewhere in the routine. To be honest, it hadn't been a sparkling sensation and this was one of his lower scores, tying with Bill. But I did think that Bill might just edge the popularity vote, especially with comedy fans and the older voters and it seems that I was right for once

We had the Clauditorium Chatter as usual. Though there's so few couples remaining they could probably get away with The Rule Of Six now to have them all up there together. And MASSIVE SHOCK. They haven't ditched the rumba after all, and we will see at least one next week. I promise I'll try to stay awake through it to be able to comment. No promises, though.

Musicals Megastar and all round magnificent Marisha Wallace belted out Climb Ev'ry Mountain. She's such a powerhouse I got goose-bumps. And I have a near phobia of The Sound Of Music after being made to watch it every day on video (ask you parents what a video is, kids) for the entire six weeks school holiday once. That and Live & Let Die. Honestly, the opening bars of Lonely Goat Turd, sorry, Goatherd are enough to send me heading for the hills. And don't get me started on Paul 'ooooooh / wobbly head / thumbs up' McCartney.

Yeah, yeah, Judges, comments, probably a demonstration of a step, whatever. Don't ask me, I was putting the treacle tarts in the oven to warm up for later. It's that kind of weather for hibernation food, although we were thankfully spared the snow. That and the sensational cake yesterday from Stuart Thornley Cakes (I'm not plugging - I'm being honest) made my weekend. It was a metric fup ton of jam inside delicious cake, surrounded by white chocolate ganache. Heaven.

Back to Tess for a very short 'reveal'. The second celebrity in the dance off was...

JJ - such a shame, but it's not really a massive surprise. It wasn't his best dance and, while he's undoubtedly a lovely chap, he's not really improved like some of the others and is starting to struggle to keep up and hadn't really improved as much as everyone else - although it was close, too close for me to call.

The Chatterpillar - more of a maggot these days - had an emotional Maisie and a very thankful Bill talking about having to dance two routines next week and how they're going to cope. It sounds like it's going to be...interesting, put it that way.

And so it was The Battle Of The Js as both gents revisited their routines. JJ was out first and, while it didn't go completely to Potts, he didn't seem to have picked up on the judges' comments and put the things that went wrong, right.

Having said that, Jamie was still a bit all over the place like an overenthusiastic spaniel. He seemed to forget the moves as well, which didn't help much. If anything, last night's was better for me.

The judges deliberated and cogitated and made some nicey nice comments. The panel was completely split again, with Head Judge Shirley getting the Emperor's Thumb and making the decision that...

JJ was eliminated. Ah, well. I did agree with the decision and I'm sure JJ will be relieved and overjoyed to see his family again. His exit speech was full of emotion and admiration for Amy, which was lovely to see.

Just five couples remain now until next week's semi-final. They're in touching distance of the glitterball, and it's still anyone's prize to win. Who will our finalists be? There's only one way to find out. Tune in next week for the penultimate blog of the year. Before you ask, no I am NOT doing a blog of the Christmas Special. One - because of the Covid business they can't do a proper mini competition so it's going to be a Best Bits compilation instead and, TWO - are you nuts? It's Christmas Day! I intend to be in a food induced slump clutching a nice glass of something alcoholic, not scribbling notes on a pad for later translation. I'm not that dedicated to the cause. So you only have two more weeks of this to endure. Until then.....

KEEP DANCING!!

THIS CHALMERS MAN - JJ SASHAYS AWAY