Well, hello there. I'm back to bother you with my blog all about Strictly and my mad (mainly vodka fuelled) musings on What Went On. Admit it, you've missed me. If you're new to these ramblings let me make one thing clear. I know NOTHING about dancing and no - I most certainly couldn't do that. But I've never let that stop me before and I'm not going to mend my ways now.
SO - since I watch this show so you don't have to, let me whisk you into the world of waltz, the den of dancing, the floor of foxtrot...or Elstree studios as it's usually known. I've actually been there when I was on The Chase. Let me tell you, the Strictly set dressers earn their keep!
The show opened with a mad, frenetic mash up show dance from the pros. Lots of Latin, jumping about and gurning. A few new Spares were there and Neil looked like he was wearing no trousers. Good job all the pro dances were filmed months ago because I was knackered just watching them.
Tess & Claudia wandered on - Tess looking a bit like a sparkly verson of those tall ashtrays your grandparents had that twizzled round and whipped the fags out of sight. Claudia like she's just woken from a nap and had wrapped herself in the nearest throw.
Behind them was the extremely reduced audience, all wearing masks. Not, like Jason Voorhees type masks, the ones we're all wearing. It looked like we were in The Thunderdome. Any minute I expected Mel Gibson & Tina Turner to kick off. We were told in No Uncertain Terms about stringently adhering to CV19 restrictions. Tess went on more about Bubbles than Michael Jackson ever did.
And, for a few months at least, we have no Bruno. He's stuck in the States and, boy, did Shirl look relieved. She won't need to give herself whiplash dodging his flailing arms. Apparently he's Skyping for the results show. Hope his works better than mine. Tess did her best to say he was missed, but she's no Judi Dench is she? And there - we were launched. ON WITH THE SHOW!
Kicking off proceedings was last year's limper-offer Jamie Laing who injured himself in the launch show and was replaced by eventual winner Kelvin Fletcher (lucky escape for Oti there). Heir to the McVities fortune Baron Von Biscuits was paired with Karen for a Cha Cha Cha to Think About Things by Dao Og Gagnamagnio (what do you mean 'who'? I have all their albums. Ahem). I thought I'd tuned into the wrong show as Jamie stood with a keytar round his neck and a metric ton of smoke round his feet. I was expecting him to say 'Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Andy Bell off of out of Erasure'. To be fair, he should have gone with that as dancing does not appear to come naturally to him. Or unnaturally. Or at all. Clomping around the floor he looked more like he was performing a chimp mating dance. He was doing all the steps - just not cha cha cha ones, in the right order or not. Like a labradoodle on disco biscuits he lolloped about with nary a care for rhythm, musicality, timing or finesse. I don't think he's in with any chance of Doing A Kelvin but he's charming enough to win viewer votes. He was dunked near the bottom with a score of 14 out of 30 (since Bruno isn't here).
Caroline Quentin and Johannes followed with a gentle American Smooth Foxtrot to 9 - 5 by Sheena Easton. Training VT showed Caroline had struggled a bit, having a menospausal meltdown midweek (I'm allowed to say that, being in the same hormonal boat myself). Come showtime she was in fine fettle and being on the show didn's seem to faze her. She spent the whole dance with a genuine, sparkling grin on her face, clearly loving being led aroundby the wonderful Johannes. She moved with plenty of grace and style, showing lovely musicality. Her lines and frame were very good for week one and her foot placing and lines showed great promise. She coped well in and out of the lifts and while it wasn't mindblowing it was perfectly splendid for a first crack on the dancefloor and she scored a very creditable 21.
Next up was Pound Shop Robbie Williams Max George and Dianne bringing us a Tango to Best Fake Smile by James Bay. Max is the singer in The Wanted, who brought us a Strictly winner in Jay McGuinness. I wonder if three later names are a prerequisite for the band? Anyway, it was a very odd choice of music - not really Tango-ey at all, more pop/rock. And I think that affected the content. Max gave it a good go - fairly decent attack and drive, but his frame was wobbly and he hunched over a bit too much. Bruno would have no doubt made a comment about his prominent derriere. He was a bit stiff (oo-er missus) but his promenades and chassis walks showed some talent. His free arm was a bit flingy and the dance lacked snap and intent. He was clearly nervous and that might have caused some issues. One to watch, though, and *certain* forums are rather gushy about how easy he is on the eye. A fair 17 out of 30.
Now, apparently Amfo is a type of explosive. And Clara was dynamite (sorry) dancing a Cha Cha Cha with Aljaz to Don't Stop Me Now by Dua Grande, or Ariana Lipa, I dunno - they all sound the same to me these days. Aljaz is looking more and more like Bear In The Big Blue House which, incidentally, our son had a toy of that danced the Cha Cha Cha. He went off it when we put it on the tray of his high chair and it punched him in the face about 40 times. He's nearly 15 now and still traumatised.
Anyhoo, Clara gave it some welly, wearing heels not being her forte. She was a little clompy & stampy but there was bags of chemistry between the pair. There was some good cha cha cha action in a dance with a lot of fun and content. She showed decent stamina in an energetic dance and if her feet were killing her it didn't show. Lots of potential scored her 18 out of 30, though Motsi was a little generous.
Following this was MP Jacqui Smith and Tony Beak (Anton Du Beck) torturing us with a Foxtrot to Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life. While Anton is still searching for The Holy Grail of a Strictly win (see what I did there), having to bring out the comedy for was what is, essentially, the dance Anton is best at is not a good sign. Oh dear. Poor Jacqui was wandering about like an auntie at the end of a wedding - dazed, confused, merry on sherry, Anton leading her round like the uncle, worried she was going to be sick on his shoes. Flat footed, plodding, pedestrian, Jacqui struggled with a fairly basic routine low on content. Even bringing out props didn't help distract from the fact that Jacqui was so far out of her comfort zone she was practically on Alpha Centauri. She was stiff, walking through the steps and going through the motions as Anton grinned maniacally at the camera. Rhythm is a dancer. Jacqui ain't. Even if she does look like Kelly from Misfits' mum. Vote for The Pity Party as she scored a bottom of the leaderboard 13 out of 30.
Up next was former Royal Marine and now paralympian Judith Chalmers - whoops, I mean JJ Chalmers - and Amy. For those of you who don't know, JJ was horrifically injured in Afghanistan and his recovery has been amazing. He has more guts, grit and determination in his left pinky than I'll ever have. He's still fair game here though - except, I have nothing naughty to say. Dancing a Waltz to What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Graceful, gliding, he covered the floor beautifully. Great chemistry between the pair even though JJ was singing along as he went. Lovely rise and fall, beautiful frame and poise - I think Mr Chalmers will be around for a while. Surprisingly, this was Amy's first ever waltz on Strictly but she had some lovely choreography - not too difficult for a first dance, but all the right elements. A Panel Pleasing 19 out of 30.
Cocky Cockney and Candidate for Obvious Ringer Of The Year Maisie Smith and Gorka The Corker (being a new dad seems to have turned him 'blond' overnight) danced a Samba to Samba/Conga by Gloria Estefan. If you don't know - and I didn't - Maisie plays Tiffany Butcher in EastEnders. Child of Bianca and Rickaaaaaayyyyyy Butcher, apparently. Maisie blasted out with youthful confidence and enthusiam, hitting the floor with intent from the first note. Loads of shimmy, great hip action, showing musicality and rhythm and keeping in sync with Gorka. Her samba rolls (basically the bloke shoving his bits in your bum crack and wiggling) were impressive, as was her bounce and energy. Her stamina wavered a bit and the impact was a bit low - the leg twazzy bits at the end (keep up with the technical terms, folks) were messy. The judges were thrilled and she got an early 'A-MA-ZING' from Craig. Leaderboard topping score of 24 out of 30. The Internet hates her already.
'Mercan Fubbler Jason Bell and Luba Rication were up next. I know that's not her name but mine's funnier and I can't spell her proper one. They brought a somewhat messy American Smooth to My Girl by The Temptations. Sorry, Luba, you fumbled the pass with this choreography. A mad mash up mix of steps in different styles didn't hit the mark. Jason - who sounds disconcertingly like Foghorn Leghorn - tried his best and looked like he was genuinely enjoying himself. Infectious goofy grin on his face throughout, he showed some good rhythm and got into the spirit of a cheesy routine. Nothing too taxing, the content was fairly low and the lifts pretty easy for a strapping bloke like Jase. He struggled with the frame a little but this Cornerback will have a comeback (no, I have no idea either). He touched down with 16 out of 40.
Ranvir Singh and Giovanni (aka Joe Varney) took to the floor with a Paso Doble to End Of Time by Beyonce. Now, I like Gio. He's always seemed a lovely bloke and looks after his partners. He just looks like Kevin The Gerbil from Roland Rat doing a sex face. Proper put me off, it does.
He looked good in a skirt in the VT, mind. Ranvir started with some strong skirt-ography and a decent Paso face. She gave the proper attitude but was a little stompy and stiff. The dance was a bit stop/start and didn't quite have the flow of a good paso. The flamenco hands were lovely, though and her staccato was spot on. She'd definitely put the work in and I'm looking forward to seeing more from her. The judges were similarly impressed and she scored a decent 21 out of 30.
Now for The Very Shocking And Controversial Same Sex Partnering of Nicola Adams and Katya. Except it's neither and nor should it be. I'm not going to soapbox but if you're offended by two ladies dancing together awa' and boil ye heid. I don't think we'll ever be friends. Right. On with the dance. The perky pair brought us a Quickstep to Be Happy by Ella Fitzgerald. And I was. Former boxer Nicola was, as expected, light on her feet, flexible and mobile. With a smile a mile wide she was clippy, trippy and skippy across the floor, showing some decent footwork and style. They swapped lead throughout the dance that was really interesting and good to see - even if affected Nicola's frame a little. There was a lot of difficult content which she coped with well. I'm putting any stiffness down to nerves as she does need to relax more and learn to perform the routines. Cracking chemistry, even though Katya wasn't sure to do with her hands talking to Claudia afterwards (do I hug, do I not, matey arm round shoulder?). A fairly knockout score of 21 out of 30.
Bill Bailey and Oti scampered on stage to a Cha Cha Cha to Pata Pata by Miriam Makeba. An utterly joyous tune. If anyone was expecting Manny of Horrors (his character in Black Books is called Manny) they were to be disappointed. Careering about like an albino Klingon, Bill threw everything he had into this dance. It was fun, frivolous and weirdly entertaining. As a musician he has a good ear for music and stayed in time and on beat, staying in synch with Oti throughout most of the dance. He brought some flair and energy even if there was a lack of hip rotation and bounce. It was a good start and my highlight of the night. I don't think he's going to be the comedy no-hoper a lot of people expected him to be. Although a low score of 15 out of 30 wasn't the best start.
Teenybop...I want to say singer? YouTuber? Embryo? HRVY and Janette Manrararasputin followed with a Jive to Faith by Stevie Wonder. Young man may have lost the use of his vowels but he was pretty decent on the dancefloor. He was efficient and impressive despite not actually knowing what a jive was beforehand (I rolled my eyes so hard I sprained them) and was fast, furious and precise. The kicks & flicks were sharp, his rhythm was good and if his energy flagged at the end it did't really detract from the routine overall. Candidate Two for Ringer Of The Year needs to point his toes more and calm down a little. It'll be interesting to see his ballroom (DON'T!). Despite having all the personality of a table, he scored a mighty 25 out of 30
And that was that. All our dancers and done their bit and showed us what we could look forward to. Which, for some of them, isn't a lot. Nobody is being voted out this week and the scores will roll over to next Saturday. A promising start, though it felt a bit flatter than previous years. Will it improve? We shall see.
Until next week.....KEEP DANCING!!!
