Hello Strictly Squad. How's it hanging with you? We've had a sort of jolly week, despite the You Know What. Boy Of The House had his birthday and so there was cake and stuff. When he was little he thought Bonfire Night was to celebrate his birth - an idea we did not disavow him of - and so we always have our own little display of crushingly disappointing and underwhelming store bought explosives. Husband Of The House and I treated ourselves to this rather apt bottle of vodka, so all was good.
Well, enough about me bumping up the word count of this thing. 'Tis Movie Week on Strictly. Oh, so you could rustle up the costumes and make-up now can you? Not last week when the costumes are actually good? I suppose I mustn't grumble - at least we're getting a show this year. Although I have heard a vicious rumour we're to have a FIVE couple final, to make the most of the reduced episodes with no double eliminations. FIVE? We might as well have just let everyone have a crack for the glitterball on one night. Maybe with some Battle Royale / Hunger Games element thrown in. I can quite see Oti as Catnip Evergreen wielding a bow & arrow, taking Tony Beak down with a well-timed shot to the knee <note to self, pitch idea to Strictly producers for next year - Strictly Come Survivor>.
So Movie Week - what reely happened? Let's cut to the chase while I wrap up the night's action for you (look, you were warned last week the bad puns were coming out).
The pros opened the show with a James Bond special. Is it me, or is James Bond the world's worst spy? Everyone knows who he is and everyone is always expecting him. Not very spy-y that, is it? Unless he's the distraction while the real guys get the job done.
Aljaz made rather a fetching 007 and if they ever do Bond The Musical, he's a shoo-in. Gorka emerged from what seemed to be Heaton Park Boating Lake like a pocket-sized Godzilla. I hope his cholera jabs are up to date. Giovanni was doing his best Smell The Fart face and Karen went all femme-fatale villainess in plether. Inside the studio the CGI train looked like CCBC kids' show Me Too had gone rogue, Neil mugged around looking a ginger Dr Evil and Luba lolled around a bed covered in gold body paint. They're never getting that out of the sheets. As understated as ever, Johannes flew in as a Grace Jones a-like, all attitude and glares - but nobody volunteered to pull up to his bumper. We ended with Oti M-busi. All quite fun.
There was no audience this week given our new Covid situation but somehow it was even noisier that a fully stocked crowd. Unless they'd turned all the mics up to full volume. Or Jannette had been on the WKD again. Then it was Lights. Camera, Action. And On With The Show!
Nicola & Katya kicked off the night with a Jive to Greased Lightnin' by John Travolta from Grease. Except they didn't really. It was all a bit lumpy & leaden, with Nicola being very flat footed and heavy. While she is coming out of her shell and performing more, she lacked energy tonight, losing her timing and sync with Katya. There was very little retraction on the kicks and her toes were not pointed enough. There was a lot of content and the choreography was tricky but I'm afraid this was more Austin Allegro than Greased Lightnin'. The judges agreed and she scored 19 out of 30.
John Cleese Zoomed in for the Terms & Conditions (see what I did there?) with Fawltyless fun, yawning through the tedious twaddle we've all heard a billionty and five times before. Yep, John. We agree with you there.
Maisie & Gorka were up next with an American Smooth to Into The Unknown by Idina Menzel from Frozen. She's so much of a ringer she should really have been Belle from Beauty & The Beast. Instead she was Elsa and I'm gutted Gorka wasn't got up as Olaf the snowman. They brought out the pushy mum & faaaaaaarmly guns early, with even the dog getting in on the VT action. This was a good, clean performance, as expected. Maisie had nice, clean lines with graceful arms and a solid frame. The dance was graceful and well performed and she showed great timing and synchronicity with Gorka. Her footwork was a bit wobbly though and she missed a couple of steps. She got a cold shoulder from Shirley who made a dig about 'as she picks up the steps quickly, she should actually spend some time polishing her routine and concentrate on her feet'. It's snow good complaining, though as she scored an ice enough 24 out of 30, Motsi well overmarking a dance that had been criticised by both Craig & Shirl.
Caroline & Johannes brought us a Couples' Choice to Everything's Coming Up Roses by Ethel Merman from Gypsy. My spies tell me all is far from rosy in Camp CarJo. Rumours are that they've had several rows this week with Caroline questioning Johannes' choreo and banging on and on even when he's explained why it has to be so. He's the pro, love. Shut up and learn. Anyhoo - CQ came out in full on Luvvie mode, Fauxmerican accent and all. She played to the rafters, all shiny teeth and wobbly eyes as we say Chez Nous. While her character was good (Imelda Staunton won't be losing any sleep, mind), the routine lacked spark. It was all a bit sedate, even throwing in jazz hands, Fosse breaks and more props than Mr Benn ever laid his hands on - everything but the kitsch-en sync. Caroline needed more attack and energy but she did well in the lifts. Not her best routine but luvvie duck she scored 21 out of 30 with more overmarking by Motsi.
Jason & Luba went to a galaxy far, far away with Paso Doble to Star Wars Theme by John Williams. It didn't bode well when Luba admitted she'd never seen Star Wars and had no clue who any of the characters were. Yoda thought she'd at least have a quick read up. Jedi really just say that? Sorry not sorry. Luba & Jason were meant to be Rey & Finn from the later films. They were more Kylo Ren & Stampy. Jason tried to hold a serious face but he was very stiff and laboured through the routine. His knee-walks and slide were decent enough, but his frame and shaping were all over the place. He lacked drive and determination - I've seen more attack at last orders down the Legion - and seemed to be just going through the motions. The Force definitely wasn't with him tonight and he was wookiee to score 12 out of 30.
JJ & Amy followed with a Foxtrot to Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head by BJ Thomas from Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. JJ was bike in business with a lovely routine which played to his strengths. His character was spot on and this was a lovely, light dance full of flair and finesse. JJ's frame was beautiful in and out of hold and he had great pace, timing and musicality. He glided across the floor with graceful footwork and you could tell he'd put the hours in. He coped well with all the changes of pace and direction and the break section in the middle was delightful. A simple, heart-warming, romantic routine that fair warmed the cockles. I'm not crying, you are. A 'gawjus' from Craig and a great score of 24 out of 30.
Haarveey & Jaanneettee hit the floor with a Cha Cha Cha to Don't Go Breaking My Heart by Elton John & Kiki Dee from Gnomeo & Juliet. Yes. Dressed as Lawn Ornaments. The good points? The Boy With No Vowels has plenty of confidence, his footwork and hip action were very good and he threw in a jette turn and some sharp spotting on his floor spins (no formal dance training my ample buttocks - he admitted to spending weeks in choreography for his tours). His character was nice, riffing off Janette's kookiness and it was fun to watch. Unfortunately, his footwork went off, with him not completing steps fully and getting a bit uncoordinated. There were very few basic cha cha cha steps and even an accomplished New York step didn't do much to impress the judges. He scored a less than e-gnome-ous 21 out of 30 with Motsi overmarking yet again. Maybe she was channelling Bruno (a little dig Craig had already made).
Ranvir & Joe Varney were next with a Foxtrot to Love You I Do by Jennifer Hudson from Dreamgirls. Sorry if anyone was expecting a nightmare, because this was sublime. Sex Gerbil Gio always brings the best out of his partners and Ranvir is no exception. Their chemistry is electric and radiates through the screen - if they get to do a rumba I may need a lie down with a cold flannel on my forehead. Ranvir was classy, sassy and stylish throughout the routine, with exquisite shaping, frame and footwork. There was loads of glide, swing and sway with beautiful lines and extensions, graceful hands and a shapely top line. This was a tricky routine and the Foxtrot is not an easy dance. I should know, I tried it once and needed a stiff drink afterwards. As Craig said, this was FAB-U-LOUS and she scored a whopping 27 out of 30.
Jamie & Karen tried to bring us an alleged Charleston to Zero To Hero by Tawatha Agee, Lillias White, LaChanze, Roz Ryan, Cheryl Freeman & Vaneese Y Thomas from Hercules (which took longer to type than the dance lasted). I think Trades Descriptions might be having a word with Baron Von Biscuits. Sporting a weird mullet wig, he looked more like Corrie's Liz McDonald than Hercules. I've seen more meat on an x-ray.
This was SO SLOW for a Charleston. Jamie was more Her Indoors than Hercules, showing all the machismo of a chihuahua. Funny for all the wrong reasons - including dropping Karen twice - this routine had virtually no Charleston content. No swivel, no birdy flaps, no knee cross doings. This could easily have been an end-of-term dance at the local primary school. It was mad as toast and while Jamie is undoubtedly a likeable lad, a dancer he is not. No chance of him pulling a Kelvin - he's more likely to pull a muscle. I don't think he'll be a wafer long at this rate and will soon be home with his Morning Coffee. A bit overmarked by all with a score of 23 out of 30.
Clara & Aljaz followed this with a Tango to Lady Marmalade by Pink, Mya, L'il Kim & Christina Aguilera from Moulin Rouge - another keyboard crashing collaboration. Apparently there's no truth in the rumour that Billie Eilish, Carly Rae Jepson and Miley Cyrus will be getting together until the moniker of Billie Rae Cyrus. Anyway, while I would have preferred a Tango to the Tom Waites' version of Roxanne from this film, this was still a decent outing for Clara. She came out with plenty of attitude, attack and style, oozing confidence and steamy sexuality. There dance was jam-packed with drive and she was commanding and suitably aloof. Which must have been difficult as Aljaz looked like he'd come as a nutcracker. She preserved some good core strength, coping well with changes in direction and pace. She still needs to finish her arm lines and work on her stamina. Shirley wasn't a fan of the disco take on the routine and there wasn't enough staccato head movements. Not bad overall and but she only scored 20 out of 30. Come on judges - how was that WORSE than Jamie's...effort? See Me Later
Okaaaaay. I really don't know where to start with this. It was fast, frenetic & frenzied with some difficult changes of pace and tricky lifts. Things went from Bart to worse when Dianne flashed her kecks on the couch and Max played Sax on Di's thighs. I donut about you, but the props were more of a distraction than anything. Max had bags of character though and seemed to have a whale of time with it all. At Lisa he had the energy to keep up with Dianne, even though they were both frazzled by the end. A Marge-inally entertaining routine scoring 24 out of 30.
Bill & Oti closed the show with a Paso Doble to The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Theme from...well, look, it's pretty obvious where it's from, isn't it? People expecting Bill to be this year's male duffer are going to be sadly disappointed. Bill had researched the dance beforehand (oh, Maisie - you might want to take a note here) learning its origins and history to help him get into character. Despite the dodgy guyliner, Bill hit the floor with flair, polish, poise and attack. His Paso shaping was good and he had loads of drive through the floor bringing presence and power to this dance. His footwork was cracking and he was fierce and focussed maintaining eye contact with Oti as he performed some nice flamenco steps. As if that wasn't enough, he twanged his own instrument in the middle break as he played the guitar solo himself. Shirl was all of a flutter and Craig gave praise where it was due. A very well deserved 26 out of 30.
And so our remaining 11 couples had all danced. It was more a mixed bag than a Woolworths' Pick N Mix. The Good, The Bad & The Ugly pretty much describing the evening to a T, if you ask me. Still not missing Bruno and his shenanigans and having three judges gives them more time for some proper mauling critique. I wouldn't mind if the show stayed like this from now on.
Job done, Husband Of The House and I rustled up some steak Canadian butties before bed, in keeping with the evening's nostalgia. I don't regret it one bit.
Let's do The Timewarp Again for Suddenly Sunday. While there was quite a spread of points across the leader-board, there's really no telling with the public vote who might be binned off this week(I mean, look how long Ann Widdecome stayed in for Pete's sake).
The pros brought us a very poignant and moving routine to mark Remembrance Sunday and in tribute to Dame Vera Lynn who passed away this year. The in the studio part was particularly lovely, reminiscent of the Blackpool tea dances of the war years. There was a spare who looked scarily like Kevin From Grimsby, but turned out to be something like Steve From Scunthorpe.
Tess 'Tension Building' Daley had been doing her usual stuff eking out the results as the couples sweated and Giovanni did his cute little head bop to the beat. Biccie Boy was called out first and howled and screamed in a huge overreaction you'd have thought he'd just been voted US President instead of Biden. I suppose it was a relief after last week, but rein it in love.
Claude's Conga Of Congratulations is still good fun, especially with Bill knocking out a quick version of Rapper's Delight (not to be confused with Gangster's Delight, which has an altogether different vibe).
The Kanneh-Masons played a haunting version of Ave Maria as Graziano (aka Greasy Arnold) and Nadiya twirled prettily around the floor. The judges' comments with Bruno chipping in like an aged budgie more or less recapped what they said last night. Seriously, we could drop this bit, shave ten minutes off and give me time for a bath before bed. Or at least a Horlicks and a Twix.
And so it came to pass that the bottom to were:
NICOLA AND JASON! Although that wasn't much of a surprise, given they were the bottom two couples on the night anyway with two of my least favourite routines. It was all going to be about who was least worst.
Both couples reprised their routines for the judges' votes alone and the chance to do it all again next week.
Nicola came out with more energy and attack, determined to go out with a fight if needs be. Nic, love, you can't really give 150%, but your best is good enough for us. Jason plodded though his again, not much change and while he shouted and hammered his way through the dance there wasn't a massive improvement, despite what Craig said.
Craig & Co did what they do for a living and JASON was unanimously voted out of the show.
And so the curtains came down on Movie Week The popcorn was swept up, the sticky pop mopped off the floor, the lights turned off - and nobody stuck around to see if there was a Marvel mid-credits trailer, which makes a change.
Th..th..th..that's all, folks. Until next week......KEEP DANCING!!
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