Right. So. NO costumes. NO make up. NO themed music. Fine. I suppose I'll crack on then.
Well, well, well. Seems we have a new entrant to Obvious Ringer. My detective pals people I've nicked stuff off the internet from have brought me most interesting news! Max from off of out of The Wanted is NOT a novice 'never even danced round me handbag' at all. Oh no, siree. He was, in fact, in the TV series Glee for six episodes playing a singing AND DANCING member of a rival Glee Club. Uh huh. Yep. Even if he did wear a shell suit, it's still shonky, if you ask me. It's starting to sound like Campanology Club with all the ringers out there. What's that? He had a body double for the dancing and was only there as eye candy / warbling? Hmmm. We shall see.
Well, because of Bozza's Baffling Bulletin (the Lockdown Hokey Cokey Part Deux) the opening pro dance had to be cut. At least it was pre-recorded and we might see it on 'Sunday' results show. Which isn't Hallowe'en, which kind of defeats the object. The press conference was way more scary anyway.
So, we started late, there was nothing fancy going on and the audience still looked like they were about to watch a 19th century post-mortem. Which, to be fair, with some of the dances they were. Are you all set? Let's get on with it then. I have wine to drink.
Ringa-Dinga Max and Dianne kicked & flicked off proceedings with a Jive to I'm A Believer by The Monkees. Believer? I don't even know her! This was quite a mixed bag of a dance - some good bits, some things to work on. Max took it all on the chimp (sorry) as he tackled quite a difficult routine with tricky changes of pace and rhythm. He had plenty of energy, stayed in time and sync with Dianne and had some good bounce and stamina. His free arm was still a bit flingy, the kicks had very little retraction and his toes weren't as pointed as they could have been. The 'little lad at a wedding' knee slide was controlled, even if he did gurn his was through the dance. We need to remember it's only week two though and while Craig said he'd like to see Max more on his balls (of his FEET you filthy people) he scored a respectable 20 out of 30.
As we're now allowed to vote the inevitable sleb is churned out to read the Terms & Conditions. This week we were treated to sweary chef Gordon Ramsay. I was expecting quite a different set of Ts & Cs to be honest, but we were pre-watershed.
And on with the show. Clara & Aljaz were up next with a Viennese Waltz to You Don't Own Me by SAYGRACE. I love this song and Aljaz clearly wasn't to be deprived of Hallowe'en spookiness with a very atmospheric routine. This was quite a different Viennese with some definite Paso Doble flavours which were really interesting to watch. It wasn't easy choreography, either, with Aljaz chucking in fleckerls and reverse turns alongside the Paso / Flamenco handwork. Clara did really well and wasn't remotely fazed when her heel caught in her dress, covering up like a pro. The dance was quick, smooth and delivered with attitude, but she struggled with frame and posture and her shoulders hunched quite a bit, spoiling her top line. Room for improvement, but a jolly good effort scoring 17 out of 30.
Bill & Oti followed with a quirky Quickstep to Talk To The Animals by Bobby Darin. Bill continues to surprise and impress, delivering a light, quick, clippy and trippy dance (It wasn't just me seeing monkeys, alligators and an elephant was it?). I swear Oti would be able to teach a table to dance well. This was a fab routine and Bill could Dolittle wrong. He had bags of character, thoroughly enjoying himself with fun choreography. His lines and posture were great, his hands well shaped - impressing Craig - and his footwork was spot on. His natural musicality was evident throughout and did he menagerie to pull it off? A score of 24 out of 30 says so.
JJ & Amy took to the floor with a Paso Doble to Believer by Imagine Dragons. Boy Of The House (BOTH) used to have an imaginary dragon friend called Dragonty Dragonty, who had his own imaginary friend called Mousity Mousity. No wonder I drink. Anyway. The dance. Erm. Not JJ's best unfortunately. Amy had choreographed it well to accommodate JJ's injuries and he put loads of effort and hard work in. There was too much faffing about with cape-ography on the podium at the start and I was beginning to wonder if he was going to hit the floor at all. When he did, there was some good effort at Paso shaping and he tried to give us attack and attitude. It was slow for a Paso though and lacked fire & passion. Unfortunately, JJ's 'fierce' face was him staring at Amy with mad, wild eyes like he'd just trapped something important in his zip and was trying not to scream. He was nervous and it showed as his timing went off and his footwork faltered. He scored 17 out of 30 from the judges.
Baron Von Biscuits Jamie & Karen danced what was allegedly an American Smooth to Night & Day by Frank Sinatra. Bless Jamie, he tries hard and has enthusiasm. Flying in on a crescent moon he looked the part in slick tails. There was some definite pizzazz with his attempts as Fred Astaire flair. Pity he was more Fred Flintstone. He showed some rhythm & swing and his timing was better this week. But his shoulders were so hunched he looked like Uncle Fester and his bum stuck out so much you could have balanced a tray on it. No danger of him Hob-Nobbing at the top of the leaderboard and he'll be a Jammy Dodger to not be in danger of a dunking this week. Another 17 out of 30 from Craig & Co.
As if that wasn't bad enough for him, he was followed by Maisie & Gorka dancing a Tango to Midnight Sky by Miley Cyrus. That's like putting Mr Blobby on to open for Bruce Springsteen, the poor sod. Maisie might be a ringer, but she's damn good to watch. This was a dance of sharp, clean lines, staccato head jerks, attitude, attack and intent. The choreography was dramatic and full of tricky content and change of pace. There was a little problem with maintaining the V shape required and there was a little wobble but otherwise a cracking routine. Thing is, how does she improve from here? Is she in danger of peaking too soon and hitting a plateau? The nines came out too soon for me and she scored 25 out of 30. Unless the nines were for the close up of Gork's glutes which got almost as much camera time as Maisie's mug?
And then I lost the will to live. Jacqui & Anton lolloped around the floor with a Samba to Help Yourself by Tom Jones or SAAAARRRRRMMMMMMBBBBAAAAARRRR as our Tone pronounces it. I don't know about Help Yourself. All the gods that were, are or ever will be couldn't help Jacqui. Not even an intervention from Ed 'Gangnam Style' Balls didn't work (I'm still having nightmares about him tea-bagging Katya in that). Ohhh Lordy! She was out of time, had no rhythm, plodded around and struggled with even the very simplest choreography. Looking dazed and confused like she was recovering from heavy sedation, she was dragged around the floor by Anton and his ever more desperate rictus grin. I've seen more bounce in a breeze block. In the end he shoved her on what looked suspiciously like a love swing as he tried to salvage some dignity. A savage 2 from Craig scored them just 12 out of 30.
**Nd s my hps wr rsd whn Hrvy & Jnntt tk t th flr wth thr Vnns Wltz t Stck Wth Y by Rn Grnd & Jstn Bbr. Thy shwd sm vry gd chmstry nd th ynglng scrbs p wll. Hrvy hd nc tp ln, wth grc & smth flw crss th flr. Thr ws sm lvly ftwrk & hs flckrl std p t scrtny. Hs frm ws bt tght thgh & h wnt bt wbbly - t mch rs & fll fr Vnns. Thy brght t th nn gns rly nd th cync n m sspcts crcdl trs bt h stll scrd 24 t f 30 (bt vrmrkd f y sk m)** (See below for fully vowelled version)
PS - is it just me who thinks HRVY looks like Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas?
You can't unsee it now, can you?
Ranvir & Giovanni kicked off their week two with a Quickstep to You Are The Sunshine Of My Life by Stevie Wonder. This was a sunny, cheerful dance with lots of clever content. Ranvir seemed confident in and out of hold and she covered the floor well with some lovely light footwork. She had a great frame which she maintained throughout the routine and showed a solid core. The Charleston break bit was a bit messy and her timing went out a bit, but this is a promising partnership and strong contender for Strictly Showmance 2020. A decent score of 21 out of 30.
Then it was time for the first Couple's Choice of the year. I'm not a massive fan of this and it must be hard to score fairly alongside the more traditional dances. Nicola & Katya chose Street Commercial to Shine by Years & Years. Choreographed to tell Nicola's story, this was an interesting routine and entertaining to watch. Nicola was, of course, light on her feet and showed loads of rhythm and timing. The flag work was almost impeccably synced and the dance had tons of energy with tight and sharp moves. Nicola still has to relax and perform a bit more - and trust Katya to choreograph to her strengths. But her million megawatt smile lights up the dancefloor and you can't fault her enthusiasm. This is shaping up to be a good partnership and I'm looking forward to seeing what they bring us next. A very respectable 24 out of 30.
A somewhat subdued Caroline & Johannes brought us a Paso Doble to El Gato Montes by Ramon Cortez (I'm never sure whether 'gato' means cake or cat, which is why I never eat in Spanish restaurants). Johannes was, of course, in full matador get up - you can't keep that lad away from tight pants & sequins - but Caroline was dressed much more matronly. She started with some very nice flamenco shapes and skirt work, she can definitely get her leg higher than I can for the promenade walks as well. Her arms and hands were beautiful, but the routine was low on attack & attitude. It was nice to look at, but all felt very...safe. Caroline stayed in character as a Spanish dowager and if she adores Johannes it's nonna your business. For an actress she needs to come out of her shell more and sparkle, or she'll be a mid-table early exit, I'm afraid. Still, she earned 21 out of 30 from the panel.
Jason & Luba closed the night with a Salsa to Get Lucky by Daft Punk ft Pharrell Williams & Nile Rodgers. They hit the floor looking like a pair of highlighter pens on speed. Fair hurt my eyes, it did. Whoever picked that colour needs A Word. Crikey. Despite looking worryingly like an Easter Island head in spandex, Jason gave this dance some welly. I mean, he proper went for it. Bags of bounce, shedloads of shimmy, oodles of energy he careered around the floor, clearly having the time of his life. There was some good rhythm & footwork, although he was a bit tentative and cautious in places. While I've seen more rotation in a minibus than there was in Jason's hips it was a fun and frivolous way to end the show. Lots of potential even if he did only score 18 out of 30.
And that was it. Not the Hallowe'en show we're used to but still an enjoyable night. I mean, is anyone really missing Bruno? To be honest, I'm not losing any sleep over the lack of histrionics, leering, arm flailing and 'oh no, I've fallen off my chair again' schtick. Maybe I'm just miserable (OI, what do you mean 'no maybe about it'?).
**And so my hopes were raised when Hrvy & Jannette took to the floor with their Viennese Waltz to Stuck With You by Ariana Grande & Justin Bieber. They showed some very good chemistry and the youngling scrubs up well. Hrvy had a nice top line, with grace & smooth flow across the floor. There was some lovely footwork & his fleckrl stood up to scrutiny. His frame was a bit tight though & he went a bit wobbly - too much rise & fall for a Viennese. They brought out the nana guns early and the cynic in me suspects crocodile tears but he still scored 24 out of 30 (bit overmarked if you ask me)**
Wibbly wobbly timey wimey and all of a sudden it was Sunday. I mean, it really was for us but we ALL know the results show is filmed straight after the votes close. It'd cost them a fortune in studio time, otherwise.
The cut pro dance from last night made an appearance and it was suitably atmospheric with poor Janette Manraraskirt being passed around like a bag of crisps at a sleepover. And she got the crap costume as well. Like nobody had told her they were doing a dance. Oh, well. It was good.
Bruno beamed in from La La Land to give his opinion on last night's show. His contract from JFM seems to have expired and he's no longer sporting jet black locks. He looks better for it, mind. He didn't add a massive amount to proceedings and it seemed like someone had an eye on the wifi / satellite bill making sure he didn't add too much to the bill.
Sam Smith warbled through the usual song we're subjected to during these things. I've still not forgiven the Bond theme with the sex pest octopuses in the video (Google if you don't believe me). I'm sure Sam is fine - skreiking about how badly done to they were in their £7 million mansion during lockdown aside - but I'm not the greatest fan. The songs all sound the same 🤷🤷 <showing me age>.
With the drummer on overtime with the bumbeddy bumbeddy 'tension building' music the red lights of doom hovered like The Mysterons and finally settled on......
JAMIE AND JACQUI. Well, that was a surprise. Said nobody whatsoever. I mean, even Mystic Meg couldn't have predicted differently. It was just a case who was least worst. Which REALLY isn't saying a lot, to be honest. Like choosing whether you'd prefer root canal surgery or gallstones.
Claudia had to speak to the safe couples one by one - she called it a caterpillar of dance. I'm thinking cha cha cha of chat? Queue of Quickstep? Hmmm. Let me work on that.
As if we hadn't been spoiled enough, we were then 'treated' to another rendition of the abominations we'd seen earlier. And they weren't really any better, to be honest. If anything, Jacqui was worse. I know? Who thought it was even possible? Were we expecting it to be better, though? Nah, course we weren't!
I bet you can't guess who was voted off? Go on, guess?!
OMG - YOU'RE RIGHT!! Surprise of the year it was Jacqui who was unanimously and unceremoniously dumped from the show. She probably still got more votes on Strictly than she did as an MP!
And that was that for another week. Sequins stored, feathers fettered, Dave Arch divested of his baton until next Saturday. And that's all from me, too.
Until MOVIE WEEK next week.......KEEP DANCING!!!! And I'm giving you your seven day pun alert. You have been warned.
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