Well, that week went quick, didn't it? No sooner had the stars got their breath back from Week One's baptism of fire, than here we are in Week Two.  I think it's safe to say I've got a bad case of Strictly Fever.  I even told our son that writer Christopher Marlowe had been stabbed in a ballroom bra, instead of bar-room brawl. This show gets under your skin. Mind you, I can't be the only one who, when listening to the radio, guesses which dance would go best with each song, can I? No-one else? Oh well, just so you know, I reckon you could do a cracking Viennese Waltz to Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. Just sayin'.

Anyway, here we are already at Week Two. And this time someone goes home. Who that was going to be depended on the judges' combined score from Weeks One and Two and, for the first time this series, the Viewer Vote. As we all know, this can be a massive gamechanger as The Folks At Home tend to vote for their favourite personalities rather than who was best at, you know, actual dancing (Ed Balls anyone?). Hearts trump diamonds, and sometimes even dancers.

But what actually happened on the night? Who sparkled like a glitterball on fire and who spectacularly crashed? There's only one way to find out, Dear Reader. Lay on, Macduff, as Billy Shakespeare was wont to say. Let's get this show on the road.

Chizzy Akudolu opened this week's show with partner Pasha. This was billed as a foxtrot to I'm A Woman by Smokey Joe's Cafe. It was a fun routine but took flipping ages to get going - lots of faffing around at a breakfast table. But when the dancing actually started that was when the trouble began. This was like no foxtrot I - or the judges - had ever seen. There was virtually no technical or traditional content. Chizzy threw her all into what she had been given and her larger than life personality shone through. It's clear she's one sassy lassie who likes shaking her chassis. Sadly it wasn't enough to please the judges. She scored a poor 16 out of 40. Combined with last week she had a total of 37 out of 80.

Aston Merrygold and Janette Manrararaforrocket brought us a salsa to Despacito (Remix) by Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee Jr ft Justin Bieber. I hope you're taking notes on this, there may be a quiz later. Astounding Aston did it again. His great connection with Janette led to some dazzling, daring, difficult lifts, throws, drops and spins. My heart was in my mouth as I watched him throwing her around with all the aplomb of a seasoned pro. The dance was tight, compact and controlled with Aston showing excellent musicality and timing. He had plenty of hip action, but not enough figure 8 rotation for picky Craig. The last lift was a little clunky and there was a missed hold but Aston got the first 9 of the series and an impressive 32 out of 40 - 63 out of 80 in total.

Susan Calman was up next with a cheeky Charleston to If You Knew Susie (see what they did there) by Enoch Light and The Charleston City All Stars (Look, you'll thank me if this ever comes up in a pub quiz). It struck me last night who Kevin reminds me of......

                         

Edward from League of Gentlemen                     Kevin Clifton

Uncanny, isn't it? Maybe if Kev fancies a weekend off he can ask Reece Shearsmith to body double. It might show in the dancing, though. Clever Kevin had choreographed a Charleston that played to Susan's strengths - perky personality and comedy timing. Pity the dancing timing was sometimes a bit lacking in parts. Susan tried hard with some tricky content - there were flappy bird arms, push moves and skip steps but unfortunately not a lot of swivel and cross. It was bright, fun and cheerful though and Susan earned a decent 22 out of 40 - 42 out of 80 in all.

Charlotte Hawkins followed with a charmless cha cha cha to Sugar by Maroon 5. This was far from sweet. Charlotte was totally marooned with this dance with moves more like Jabba than Jagger. Poor Charlotte never got to grips with this dance. She started off with some strut but it soon all fell apart. It seemed like she forgot her steps and Brendan was talking her through it and dragging her round for the full 90 seconds. She was stiff and stilted with no bounce or rhythm and never really recovered from an early mistake which left her bewitched, bothered and bewildered. A difficult spin at the end must have been playing on her mind and when that went wrong as well it was all a bit of a disaaaaaaaaster dahling. A very woeful 12 out of 40 (a very restrained Brendan) and 34 out of 80 overall.

Joe McFadden and Katya came next with a tango to Castle On The Hill by Ed Sheeran. Another routine that took ages to get going. Joe took so long faffing about with a prop wardrobe I thought he was going to get his Tumnus out! When he did hit the floor it was all a bit disappointing after last week's impressive start. He had sharp head turns and some clean lines but he looked at the floor a lot, had rise and fall where there should have been glide and he lost frame and shaping. It was all a bit skippy and stompy with no control - and his hands horrified Craig. Only 22 out of 40 this week - a total of 51 out of 80.

Brian Conley and partner Amy tried to sell us a cha cha cha to Shake Your Groove Thing by Peaches and Herb. Looking like the cat that got the cream, Brian wiggled and smirked his way through the routine. Actually, he looked more like this:

To be fair, he had loads of energy and bags of character but - again - the dance was more disco than anything else with very little cha cha cha content. There was no hip action, floppy footwork and wangy arms (that's a technical dance term, honest). It was entertaining enough but Brian shook his groove thang a bit too much. The judges weren't overly impressed but Brian's score improved a little to 19 out of 40  - 35 out of 80 after two weeks.

Gemma Atkinson followed with Aljaz and a very pretty waltz to Un Giorno Per Noi by Josh Groban. The whole dance had a lovely, romantic feel from the beginning. Gemma had lovely lyrical arms, great shaping and elegant lines. She had fab footwork, nice rise and fall and chucked in a fab fleckerl to boot. Coping well with changes of pace and direction this was a huge improvement on last week. The judges were happy, too, awarding her 26 out of 40 - 46 out of 80 in all.

Rev Richard Cole took to the floor with a weird Australian themed American Smooth to Love Really Hurts Without You by Billy Ocean. Now, I only know a rude version of this so couldn't sing along with Small Boy Of The House in the room well, he's more Medium Boy Of The House these days. Actually, I know a rude version of most songs. I blame my dad playing rugby records when I was little. Anyway, back to the dance (if we must). You can't deny that the Reverend enjoys himself. He certainly put the Out in Outback as he lolloped about the floor like a large Labrador puppy, occasionally hitting the beat and throwing in something that vaguely resembled an American Smooth move. The lifts were low tech and he lost his way. More technique was needed but maybe he couldn't have pulled it off. The dance was lumpy and clumpy, sloppy and cloppy. Our Reverend was Amazingly Graceless - more Australian Rough than American Smooth, Richard scored 17 out of 40, no improvement on last week, and so 34 out of 80.

Up next was last week's joint bottom-dweller Ruth Langsford with walking Chinsters Pasty Anton du Beke. They brought out a choppy Charleston to The Charleston by Bob Wilson and the Varsity City Boys (I have ALL their records). Anton is a clever bunny getting his strongest dances out in the first two weeks but this routine seemed to be all about him. Ruth looked less nervous than last week, but she was still a bit stiff and wooden and Anton was dragging her about again. She looked lost in the sections on her own and seemed to be looking about for her partner. It was low on content and got loose and sloppy but it was still an improvement. Ruth showed she had some timing and rhythm and her personality started to come through. The judges gave her 20 out of 40 - 36 out of 80.

Simon Rimmer and Karen Clifton showed us their waltz to You'll Never Walk Alone by Rodgers & Hammerstein. This was a very important piece of music for Liverpool FC supporter Simon and he tried his best to do it justice. Sadly, it wasn't to be. The words are 'walk on, walk on' and that's precisely what Simon seemed to do by the end. A big mistake really shook his confidence and he never properly recovered. He lost rhythm and musicality and it all went a bit, well, pedestrian. The spin near the end looked like he was spreading a bag of fertiliser 'round the floor. He did have fairly good shaping and frame and did some nice heel leads. I reckon Karen may make a dancer out of Simon yet. He was visibly emotional at the end and Wirral Judge Shirley Ballas was moved to tears. I think that was the music rather than the dancing though. Simon scored 19 out of 40, giving him 36 out of 80 in total.

Mollie King and AJ came next with tango to Addicted to Love. At least they've dropped the Mollie / short dancers schtick for now. This was so much better than last week. Mollie developed a character to get her in the mood for the sexy, sharp, stylish routine that was packed full of content. She had a tight frame, good footwork and was together and on point with AJ - much more of a connection and chemistry this time.  Mollie was strong and fiery and had lots of attack and passion. It wasn't flawless - her shoulders need some work and there were a couple of wee stumbles but she should be pleased with herself this week. There was also an illegal lift which cost her points. All in all a mixed bag - Raindrops and sparkles you might say. The panel awarded her 25 out of 40 - 48 out of 80 in all.

Jonnie Peacock and Oti gave us an accomplished jive to Johnny B Goode (tres hilaire) by Chuck Berry. And this was berry good (sorry). Dancing on a specially developed blade, Jonnie totally went for it with no holding back. His kicks and flicks were really very good and his footwork was excellent in this high octane number. Being an athlete means Jonnie had all the stamina and energy to sustain this to the end. He was on point, had great timing and a nice partnership with Oti. Another improving dancer, Jonnie was given a hugely improved 29 out of 40 - 49 out of 80.

Debbie McGee and Giovanni came next with a Viennese Waltz to She's Always A Woman by Billy Joel. Debbie showed she's a proper Uptown Girl with this stylish number. Her dance background showed in this number with beautiful footwork and elegant lines. This sweet routine was full of gorgeous content and Debbie has great timing and connection with Giovanni. There was a nice mirroring sequence that shows she's as happy out of hold as she is in. Craig was wowed by her mad skillz and she ended up with a cracking 34 out of 40 - and a table-topping 64 out of 80.

Davood Ghadami and his partner Nadiya brought us the first quickstep of the season to Last Night by The Strokes. The quickstep is a nightmare, fast-paced dance with lots of changes of direction, pace and tone. Davood coped well enough - he was fleet and had nice clean feet - but too much attack in the moves left it looking sloppy around the edges. The routine started off in a library but had a weird section in the middle where they both stripped off for some reason. Another illegal lift in a dance that was more frantic than romantic meant Davood scored a decent 27 out of 40 - 54 out of 80.

Alexandra Burke and Gorka closed the show with a pristine paso doble to Ven a Bailar by Jennifer Lopez. Jenny may be from the block but Alexandra ruled the world with an astonishingly impeccable performance. Yes, she had dance training and has worked on stage. So has Brian Conley but I don't think he could have pulled this off. This was an amazingly choreographed, jam-packed routine that was really difficult and high in content. Alexandra was sharp and focused showing us impressive arms and phenomenal footwork. Her turns were tight, her promenades near perfect and she attacked the dance with everything she had. It was fierce, hot and steamy and earned a 4 judge ovation eventually. With nines all round (Week Two is a bit early for a 10) she scored a huge 36 out of 40  -  meaning 60 out of 80.

This left the table looking like this:

Debbie - 64
Aston - 63
Alexandra - 60
Davood - 54
Joe - 51
Jonnie - 49
Mollie - 48
Gemma - 46
Susan - 42
Chizzy - 37
Ruth - 36
Simon - 36
Brian - 35
Charlotte - 34
Rev Richard - 34

And so the stars all pootled off to the green room for a quick fag and a scotch egg rest while the audience got shuffled round a bit, so we could all pretend it was Sunday. I mean, it actually is Sunday when we watch it, but it's really filmed as soon as the viewer vote closes (I don't think MI5 are going to bust me for spilling that secret). I hear the filming goes on until eleventy billion o'clock. My poor bum would go numb - no wonder they're always jumping up for standing ovations - they're making sure their legs still work!

The pros opened proceedings with a bowling-themed number to Everybody Needs Somebody from The Blues Brothers. Strike me pink, that was no turkey. A very good, energetic number that warmed everybody up. I hope they'd actually filmed that early on Saturday otherwise they'll be too knackered to do the dance off.

After the recap of last night (wink wink) we had the first half of the 'who is safe' vote results. The celebs all stood shaking and sweating as they awaited their fate. Tess took longer to read out the results than it's taking to negotiate Brexit. But, finally, our first bottom-dweller was revealed as CHIZZY. Anton utterly over-reacted to the news he was staying in a roared like a lunatic

Emili Sande sang her new song Starlight for us. It must be distracting trying to flog your new tune when there's a pair of pro dancers follolling about in front of you. Anyway, it was quite nice and the audience have got to have something to keep them warmed up, haven't they?

Of course, there was no Len's Lens. Instead we had a lamely titled 'Dancer's debrief'. Look, they can have Shirley's Shufti - all I'd want in return is an evening with Gorka a pait of tickets for Blackpool. HOTH & I could have a mucky weekend and homeopathic vinegar again (you can read all about those in earlier blogs).

Back to the competition. The remaining dancers huddled under the spotlights where Tess, again, took the half-life of uranium to reveal the final couple in trouble. Was it any surprise that it was BRIAN. Not really much of a massive shock given their performances on the night, I suppose.

The fated pairs took to the floor one more time in  desperate bid to stay in the show. Both had to improve on their previous performances to be in with a chance. Chizzy seemed to come out with more attitude and tried harder to get the technique in this time round. She certainly looked like she wanted it more. It looked like Brian had forgotten half of his routine, or wasn't really trying. Maybe he'd resigned himself to going home already - his speech before his dance certainly suggested that. It was almost like he'd made up a new routine on the spot. He wasn't dancing the same steps as his partner most of the time, put it that way.

The judges were ready to announce their decisions. The condemned couples stood nervously like kids before the headmaster. A split decision meant Shirley had to put her Head Judge Hat on - and she didn't look to thrilled about it. She made up her mind and then, it was all over........

CHIZZY was eliminated. REALLY? For me, she was the better of the two in the dance off. Maybe the judges - who are the experts, I suppose, must have seen something we didn't. Or did. They made a lot of the fact that Brian had put in content and was entertaining. It's such a shame - she really did have some potential and was showing some promise for improvement. This could be another case of a better dancer being voted off too early just because the viewers want a laugh at the hapless. I really don't think she deserved to go this week given her combined scores and potential. Is her character on Holby horrible or something? The poor thing was in floods of tears. Ah well, if it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly (I'm spoiling you with Shakespeare aren't I?).

Chizzy's in a tizzy - the first Casualty (okay, Holby City) of Strictly

And so it was all over for another week, The poor knackered cleaners waiting in the wings to hoover up the glitter, the foot-sore celebrities eager to start yet more training, Bruno back in his vat of Cuprinol. And us, well we'll all just have to get on with it until next weekend and another gripping, action-packed blog of the ballroom. And next week is Movie Week. SQUEEEEE!! Well, folks, this is your Seven Day Pun Warning! Don't say you didn't know in advance.

Until then, KEEP DANCING!!!!