Ladieeeeeeeeeeees and Gentlemennnnnnnnnnnn - I have the great pleasure of announcing that the Strictly Come Dancing 2017 Blog of the Year (well, in our house anyway) is BACK!!!!  Once again I selflessly sit through hours of hoofing and scores of sequins so you don't have to. Sometimes I even sound like I know what I'm going on about. If you're new to reading this what I do is sit at home at the weekend necking gin watching Strictly, making increasingly more indecipherable notes as I go. My Sundays are then spent writing it up, usually saying to Husband Of The House (HOTH) - 'it says here Anton danced with a wolverine? OH - he danced a Viennese!' Eventually it all makes sense.

It's been a long nine months. Lots of stuff has happened. There was a General Election, we got funky new fivers, there's a homicidal Oompa Loompa in the Whitehouse. But what we've all been waiting for, really, is for the glitterball to be prised out of last year's winner Ore Oduba's hands, given a quick dust and stuck back on its pedestal.

We have a new Head Judge to replace the lovely Len Goodman - Latin guru, multi-championship winning, teacher, Dancing With The Stars talent scout Shirley Ballas. The Wirral -born wiggler takes to the hot seat for the first time this weekend and knows all eyes will be on her.  She's no stranger to the camera, working on DWTS for ages, but the British audience is a different animal. I'm still wondering how they'll do Len's Lens - Shirley's Shufti perhaps?

A few weeks ago the 'pairing up' promo took place to many 'ooohs' and 'aaahhs'. Mainly 'ooo the hell is that?' and 'they look like they'll make an aaaaahs of themselves'. It's a very mixed bunch - singers, actors, comedians, chefs, a former 80s band member turned reverend and The Lovely Debbie McGee. Strictly 2017 should be......interesting. 

So, how did they all fare? No-one is voted out on week one (that would be a bit cruel) and all the judges' scores are rolled over till next week. Well, get your glad rags on and take my hand. Let me lead you down the dancing path on a whirlwind tour of what went on. 

The show opened with an energetic number by the pro-dancers, including a flying Oti and Giovanni. Judging by the number of costume changes I'm guessing that this was a sneaky pre-record.

Tess & Claudia have really grown into their roles and are now as comforting and reassuring as an old pair of slippers. I said slippers! And so the competition began.

Serial Soap Starlet Gemma Atkinson (I mean, she's been in Hollyoaks, Emmerdale AND Casualty) got things off to a fine start with partner Aljaz. They opened with a cheeky cha cha cha to There's Nothing Holding Me Back by Shawn Mendes. It was a confident showing with good hip rotation. Her legs were a bit weak and wobbly and her free arm got flappy but it was a difficult first dance - a typical Aljaz fast routine. An impressive start scored her 20 out of 40.

Comedy crooner Brian Conley came next with pro newcomer Amy. This was allegedly a tango to Temptation by Heaven 17. You know when you've been tangoed and this wasn't it. Brian has trouble taking things seriously and he was smiling and corpsing throughout his dance. Shame we weren't. He was way too loose with no V shaping or command and he walked through the steps instead of gliding. It all got quite stampy and flat-footed, the arms looked more like paso poses and he horrified Craig with his splayed banana hands. Not a good outing and he scored just 16 out of 40.

Ex X Factor Songstress Alexandra Burke and partner Gorka The Corker followed with a whimsical waltz to You (Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman) by Arethra Franklin. Alexandra's stage experience and musicality shone in this floaty, flowing dance that covered acres of floor. She had beautiful rise and fall and smooth lyrical arm movements. Craig had some niggly bits, including a tucked in neck, but it's nothing she can't work on. A decent 24 out of 40 for Alexandra.

Celebrity Chef Simon Rimmer and partner KarenNotTheOneFromGrimsby Clifton took to the floor with an alleged paso to Song 2 by Blur. Oh. My. Goodness. Simon's baptism of fire started with him stomping about like a toddler having a tantrum. Then he stood waving his arms about like he was drying his deodorant. The paso is supposed to be about power and presence. Poor Simon was about as masterful as Mr Tumble.

 

Simon looked all at sea as he wrong-stepped a few times and had to be dragged back into position. He looked lost in solo sections and it really seemed like he was suffering terribly with his nerves. There was lots of energy but unfortunately it was in all the wrong places.  Not entirely a Charmless Man but This Is A Low. Plenty of room for improvement and maybe ballroom will suit him better. He still scored higher than Brian, with 17 out of 40.

Newsreader (there's always one isn't there) Charlotte Hawkins and her partner Brendan Cole brought us a fiery little foxtrot to The Best Is Yet To Come by Michael Buble. Is that a promise, Charlotte? Because this was a damn fine start. HOTH and I learned the basics of foxtrot on holiday so I can declare myself an expert (much like Daddy Pig but with less chin hair). The simple but effective choreography showcased Charlotte's lovely lithe limbs. A Hollywood style routine with some fancy razzle dazzle it was a little low on the intrinsic foxtrot steps (told you I was an expert) but it was good fun. Charlotte gave a smooth and assured performance, only losing a little frame in parts. One to watch, she scored a decent 22 out of 40.

Holby star Chizzy Akudolu stepped up with partner Pasha with a cha cha cha to Boogie Fever by The Sylvers (no, me either). There's no denying Chizzy has bags of personality and this was a fun routine. She was a little flat footed and there wasn't a lot of bounce in the legs - elsewhere, yes - legs, no. Chizzy had loads of energy and coped well when she got her foot caught in her dress. There wasn't a lot of cha cha cha content and it diverted into disco at times which affected her score. Head Judge Shirley called her Lizzie by mistake adding to her woes. She scored a middle-of-the-board 21 out of 40.

Olympic champion paralympian Jonnie Peacock danced next with last year's runner-up Oti They brought us a waltz to When I Need You, billed as being by Luther Vandross. Funny, I remember Leo Sayer singing it in the seventies! Maybe he's not as cool as Luther? Anyway, Jonnie's dancing. It was a nice romantic routine but Jonnie was a bit hunched and you could see he was thinking the steps as he danced. He needed to straighten his frame and tuck his lovely bottom under a bit to get the right shape. He had good timing and attention to detail but brought Craig more horror hands. He did bring us the first twizzer of the series though, which cheered me up no end. Lots of potential and he was advised to develop a character for each dance. Something that was told to Jay McGuinness early on and look how he ended up!

I don't know. You don't see any Holby actors for ages and then two turn up at once! Joe McFadden and partner Katya rocked out a jive to Rockin' Robin by Michael Jackson. Set in a car wash you might have been forgiven for expecting a car crash. Not so. Despite being a bit flat-footed and stilted in parts Joe had some good kicks and flicks. He brought a cheeky, flirty persona to the floor and kept the energy up throughout. It was an impressive first performance and may be the shape of things to come. There was lots of very difficult content which may have bumped the score (I've seen better jives). A mighty 29 out of 40.

Comedian Susan Calman was utterly delighted to be partnered with KevinfromGrimsby in the pair-up show. So obviously they danced a Viennese Waltz to Mad About The Boy by Dinah Washington. Cheesy Clifton came to the floor a la Clark Gable with a 'tache that looked like he'd drawn it on with his mum's eyeliner. He'd devised a dervish of a dance with really fast turns and spins, even for a Viennese. Susan sparkled with her star-struck character which she played for laughs. Her posture was a bit squiffy and there were some foot issues - although Kev threw in a fab fleckerl. It wasn't pretty but it was good fun and it will be interesting to see what Kevin can bring out of Susan. 20 out of 40 scored.

Magic maiden Debbie McGee set out her stall with partner Giovanni. At least he won't get called Joe Varney this year (although his pronunciation of Debbie sounded like an elder from Yonderland - Debb-eye). The pint-sized pair brought a tremendous paso doble to Be Italian by Fergie. I never knew the ex Mrs Prince Andrew was so talented! Poor Gio must have been in pain as Debbie stood on his thigh with full stiletto heel at the start but, given the pro he is, he covered it up and carried on. Debbie's dance training showed with her great shaping, leg extensions and musicality. Debbie owned the dance that Giovanni had cleverly choreographed to show her off. She obviously brought her A game when the lights came on with a masterful display. Giovanni was gobsmacked at the end. Literally - Debbie snuck in a cheeky unchoreographed kiss right on his lips, saucy minx! A massive 30 out of 40 for Debbie's debut.

Eastenders heartthrob (so I'm told) Davood Ghadami came along with another newbie, Nadiya. They were dancing a cha cha cha to Dedication To My Ex by Little Mix. Bit of a weird choice, but there you go. Davood had good attack and character (well he is an actor). There wasn't much rotation in the hip department and he stood still a bit too much when Nadiya wiggled her nethers. He had good posture, though, and gave it plenty of welly. It's certainly a good starting point and there's lots of promise. Nadiya has a lot she can work with in the coming weeks. Davood scored a jolly good 27 out of 40.

Presenter Ruth (Mrs Eamonn Holmes) Langsford with partner Anton did a rather woeful waltz to This Was Nearly Mine by Seth McFarlane, apparently. Yes. Ted, American Dad and Family Guy Seth McFarlane. There was less swearing in the song than in our house, thankfully. Typical self-indulgent choreography from Anton. If it had been any cheesier I'd have cracked open the Branston. You'd be forgiven for thinking Ruth had a sure-fire safe start with Strictly's King of Ballroom. Alas, this was not to be. From the start she had posture problems with no neckline and hunched shoulders. Her footwork was fatally flawed and she had all the musicality of mollusk. Anton had even resorted to using pyrotechnics to detract the audience from the sight. It may have been first night nerves. Ruth may be a firecracker Latin lady, who knows. She scored a bottom-of-the-board equalling 16 out of 40 though.

Rollicking Reverend Richard Coles - who has gone from The Communards to Communion performed an.....unusual cha cha cha to There Must Be An Angel by Eurythmics. Flying in on a cloud, strumming a harp, The Rev started things how he meant to go on. This was never going to be a serious dance and, with tongue firmly in cheek, off he went. While he was certainly flamboyant he was a bit leaden and lumpy. Again the hips did lie. Quite a lot in fact. There was little rotation and not a lot of bounce. Reverend Richard had musicality though and a bit of rhythm. He certainly went for it and the next few weeks might give us some surprises. More What The Hell than Heavenly, Richard scored 17 out of 40.

Saturdays singer Mollie King and partner AJ presented us with a jive to Good Golly Miss Molly by Little Richard. Oh, how clever. She's called Mollie and so is the song. And here we go again with references to them being small. Will it be the same every week? I predict songs by Little Mix, Little Jimmy Osmond, The Small Faces, Tiny Tempah and Wee Jimmy Krankie in the coming weeks. You read it here first. So. The dance. Well, again, there was lots of standing about doing bugger all while AJ did his bit. They seemed to have slowed the tempo of the song so the dance was at the lower end of the jive spectrum. There wasn't much in the way of content or energy and it was lacking in kicks and flicks. Mollie had wild, flappy-bird arms and was flat footed. Her energy flagged at the end and she never really sold us the routine. The tabloids are hinting at a romance going on but I've seen more chemistry in a potato clock. 23 out of 40 for the pair.

Former JLS member Aston Merrygold (that HAS to be a Hobbit name) closed the show with partner Janette. Although she married Aljaz in the summer she's kept her professional surname. Which you will remember is Manrararararararaheyheyheygoodbye. Or something like that.  The pair gave us a fab foxtrot to It Had To Be You by Harry Connick Jnr well his version apparently. Wee Anton was light on his feet, assured both in and out of hold and had tons of character and attack. This slick outing was pure showmanship with a great frame and fleet footwork. His turns were tight and on point and he coped really well with some tricky choreography. Take a bow, Fantastic Mr Foxtrot! The judges were impressed, too, and Aston was awarded a table-topping 31 out of 40.

And that was that. Overall, it was a decent opening show. There's some definite contenders - and some in close contention for first to be booted off. New judge Shirley was visibly nervous, with Darcey giving her frequent reassuring knee pats. What she did do, however, was give really good constructive criticism and encouragement to all the stars which was really nice to see. It would be all too easy to pile in with jibes - I mean, that's what I do here, right? I'll be interested in seeing how she gets on.

With no elimination this week there's no 'Let us all pretend it's Sunday' rundown so I'll sign off here by saying 'ta-ra for now'. See you all next week! KEEP DANCING!!!