I'm VERY excited! Why? Have I won Euromillions? Has Tom Hardy decided to live in my wardrobe? No - nothing quite like that. HOTH has told me about a funky new app (well, new to me) called PHONTO. It lets you write on pictures. Like the one above. Oh, what fun I can have now. Yes. Yes I am easily pleased. I'm lower maintenance than an air plant. It's why HOTH married me, I'm sure.

But we're not here to read about apps and stuff, are we? You could go and read a tech blog if you wanted something like that. And where would the fun be? Do tech app blogs use loads of hilarious puns and have insight on dancefloor shenanigans? No they do not. Mind you, neither does this one, really. So, I'd better get down to what we're here for before you log off and start Googling blobfish or something. (You really want to now, don't you?)

But before we begin, here's this week's Songs Wot I Heard On The Radio And Guessed A Dance To. We've previously had a Viennese Waltz to Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. This week I have decided on....

A paso doble to Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin. Yes? It's perfect isn't it? I don't know about you, but I'd love to see Gorka's separation on that one.

Right, we're now at Week Four and down to a bakers' dozen of dancers. Last week the right Rev went, Brenda - sorry Brendan - threw a wobbly and Aston (pencil) topped the leaderboard. It could all change this week, though. There was no theme this time but there was plenty of action and drama. Come with me and I'll take you on a whirlwind of waltzes, a scatter of salsas and all that jazz.....

Tess and Claudia sauntered down the steps to open the show, introducing the judges. Shirley seemed to have thought it was fancy dress night and turned up in a frock that made her look like one of those toilet roll dollies your nan probably had in the bathroom.

Debbie McGee and Giovanni kicked off proceedings with a choppy cha cha cha to The Shoop Shoop Song by Cher. Giovanni was dressed as a delivery man for this one and I, for one, couldn't take my eyes off his giant package. Debbie started off well with little pre-dance follolling and brought us a cheeky, flirty character. I know people Believe in Debbie and if I Could Turn Back Time I may be more impressed with this dance. It started off okay, and there's no denying Debbie has lovely limber legs as Giovanni eased her into the standing splits, but it was all a bit sedate and careful. The moves looked placed and plonked rather than being smooth in the transitions. Debbie's legs were all over the place (when they weren't round her earholes) - too straight in some places, too bent in others. It was all very nice, just not mind-blowing. The judges weren't overly impressed, either, and she scored a table-tumbling 27 out of 40. Only some over-marking by Bruno stopped it being lower.

Now, I'm among the first to admit that Giovanni (the artist formerly known as Joe Varney) is a good-looking little sausage. Especially when he's doing his mean 'n' moody look. The trouble is when he does his really goofy grin. Then he reminds me of an entirely different TV star:

 


Maybe it's just me and the gin?

Anyway, up next was Brian Conley and Amy with a clunky, punky paso doble to I Believe In A Thing Called Love by The Darkness. Brian's guy-liner made him look like he'd been on an all-nighter and his moves were more Tommy Cooper than Alice Cooper. Yet again he gurned his way through the dance. In fact, his face is more mobile than his feet. This was dad-dancing at its finest and Brian gyrated and clomped along like his haemorrhoids were giving him gip. There was very little paso content and it was all very basic. Brian's promenade walks were too pedestrian, he was low on rhythm and timing and he was just plain ploddy. He attempted some paso shaping but he was flinging his arms about like he was swatting off a swarm of bees. With loss of control and a smattering of errors he was hardly the appel of the panel's eyes, though he scored 21 out of 40.

Saturdays star Mollie King and AJ brought us a saucy little salsa to Subeme La Radio by Enrique Iglesias. AJ made Mollie jump through Julio hoops with this one. Mollie was shiny, sparkly and sparky in a dance with lots of action - crazy throws, spins, flips and twists. AJ was chucking her around like a Jack Russell Terrier with a chew toy. She had plenty of confidence and sass, showing off hairography and armography like it was going out of fashion. Unfortunately, her footwork went a bit floppy and she lost timing and rhythm. Her hips weren't as engaged as they could have been and she was a bit stop/start in transitions. She's still improving every week, though and she scored 27 out of 40.

Davood Ghadami and Nadiya showed us a variation on a Viennese waltz to Say You Love Me by Jessie Ware. This was....different. Again, it took ages to get to the floor with lots of pre-dance farting about. It was okay when it did get going, but wasn't really what you'd expect from a Viennese. It had plenty of spins (which Davood apparently found really stomach-churning) but there was too much time out of hold - yes I was counting after Craig's 'ten second rule' quip last week. There were two illegal lifts when Davood got carried away spinning Nadiya, meaning both her feet left the floor. On a positive note, his frame was good, his footwork was neat and he was more in control. There were parts where he was actually leading Nadiya, which was nice to see. Davood earned a decent 29 out of 40.

Charlotte Hawkins and Brendan were hoping to impress with a wedding-themed jive to Marry You by Bruno Mars.  Would this routine go without a hitch or would Charlotte be divorced from the dance? Well, while Charlotte came out with more character and personality this week, she still had some problems. Head Judge Shirley Ballas calling her 'Mollie' being one of them. The dance was pretty simple, with no pizzazz of difficult content. It took too long to get going and not even a banister slide by Brendan could add much. Charlotte was stiff and stilted and had issues with her timing and rhythm. The side-by-side steps were out of sequence and her footwork was sloppy. Apparently, she was kicking with the wrong part of her knee - which I didn't even know was a thing. Brendan looked like he wanted his Mummy when a miserable 19 out of 40 scored.

A freshly-shaved Joe McFadden and Katya came next with a cha cha cha to You Keep Me Hangin' On by Human Nature. This wasn't Joe's best outing. He minced about the floor like he was having a strop with poor hips, no bounce and no real performance. He seemed to go blank midway through and Katya was dragging him into place at times. His footwork was hit and miss and there was a really messy bit where he took ages to get up after a knee-slide. His legs were that far apart he couldn't have stopped a pig in a ginnel (that's 'round our way' talk for an entry or alleyway). He struggled with a routine that was relatively routine and low on content. He tried to blame his Cuban-heeled shoes but the lady celebs have to do this thing in three inch stilettos - usually going backwards, so no sympathy from me. The judges were equally unimpressed and he was given just 24 out of 40 this week.

Ruth Langsford and Anton trotted out a tired tango to Allegretto by Bond. I was neither shaken nor stirred with this one. This tango was fairly flat and lacked fizz, spark and passion. Ruth still looks lost and confused out of hold, nervously searching for Anton's hand but this week she did find some character. There was more gapping than Watford and her frame was loose in parts. However, there was definite attack and purpose, she coped well with the spins and change of pace and she didn't make any big gaffes. Her best dance to date, she scored a Joe-matching 24 out of 40 - a big improvement.

Aston Merrygold and Janette Manrararasputin seemed to struggle a bit this week with a quickstep to Mr Blue Sky by ELO. Aston's pigeon toes made an unwelcome return and he was flat-footed flappy in parts. It looked like Janette had been pushing the heel leads but he was landing a bit too heavily on them in the jumps. Don't get me wrong, he was still very good - light on his feet in the promenades and chasses, covering the floor in a very fast quickstep. He had a nice tight frame and side-by-side hold, mostly controlling the jumps which had great height. The timing was spot on and, again, his mirroring with Janette was faultless. He took the judges' critique well and his excellent partnership earned him 32 out of 40.

Poor Simon Rimmer and Karen Clifton brought a sorry samba to Copacabana by Barry Manilow. Mandy lifeboats, Simon's technique disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle. Never mind dad dancing this was grandad grinding. Simon's hips made him look more like a sex pest than sex god. Simon's shoddy, ploddy footwork was a sight from the get-go and he seemed to let Karen do all the work. There was no bounce, no rhythm and no style. He went wrong again even in a dance with really low content and technique. His promenades looked like he'd been on the pina coladas and he just lost the plot, bodging his botafogas right in front of the judges. It seemed like he was still in Buzz Lightyear mode with his giant leaps where there should have been small steps. He looked utterly mortificado at the end and scraped a measly 19 points from the panel.

Gemma Atkinson and Aljaz were hoping to build on last week with a perky paso doble to Viva La Vida by Coldplay. Now, the last time I heard this song it was being sung by a bunch of gay zebras playing with expanding balls (don't ask. And, yes, I was sober. Relatively). Gemma came out with great intent, swishing her skirt and looking Aljaz dead in the eye - something Ruth needs to work on with Anton. She showed us great fierce character and determination throughout the routine with lovely arm shaping and frame. Her feet were really good and she was together with Aljaz throughout. This was a dance with difficult content but Gemma coped well and focused from start to finish. There were a couple of minor quibbles - her shoulders rose a little and her chin was too tucked in - but the judges were happy and gave her a whopping 35 out of 40.

Astounding Alexandra Burke and Gorka followed with a joyous jive to Proud Mary by Tina Turner. There's no denying it - Alexandra was Simply The Best of the night with this number. Gorgeous Gorka (I'm married, not dead, dahlings) had put together an absolutely amazing routine full of really difficult content and made to show off Alexandra's excellent technique. She came out in full-on diva mode, bringing everything she had again and coping with whatever Gorka threw at her. Alexandra had incredible legs, stunningly high kicks and flicks and was totally engaged with the performance that must have been spine-tingling to watch in the flesh. She was poised, polished, faultless and flawless showing unending stamina from the start of this captivating number. Her supreme effort brought her the first 10s of the season. A right Royal performance brought a very well-deserved 39 out of 40 - in WEEK FOUR!! The show of appreciation made Alexandra burst into tears as she wished her mum (who sadly recently passed away) had been there to see her. Not a dry eye in this house, either.

Poor Jonnie Peacock and Oti had to follow that with a still above average American smooth to Cry Me A River by Michael Buble. Mickey Bubbles must make a pretty penny off Strictly - they're always using his back catalogue. Jonnie is still working on getting a character for his dances (Craig recommending acting lessons for next week) but his hard work ethic in rehearsals is starting to pay off. There was an amazing opening lift, a walkover by Oti and some lovely spins and catches. Jonnie coped well with some difficult moves and showed great footwork, including a fancy fleckerl.  There was some nice timing and togetherness and he certainly seems to be growing into a dancer, improving every week. He's still sticking his bum out too much and has a tendency to lean forward but he got his highest score to date - 31 out of 40.

Susan Calman and Kevin closed the show with a charming quickstep to Bring Me Sunshine by The Jive Aces or, as everyone knows it, the theme tune of Morecambe and Wise. I reckon that everyone was expecting Susan to dance all the right steps, just not necessarily in the right order. How wrong they were. Dancing to what was her wedding song, Susan upped the ante with a bright and airy interpretation of the dance. Bringing great character as always, she was light on her feet, in time and on point. Kevin was Wise enough to keep it relatively simple, but there was a lovely jazz break section and some smashing running promenades. Susan beamed throughout the dance and it was clear she was enjoying herself. Her frame slipped a little at the end but there was no slacking and she definitely wasn't lacking in enthusiasm. Morecambe round to Susan each week and the classic M&W skipped exit put a soppy smile on my face. A very decent 30 out of 40 scored.

At the end of all that the standings were like this:

Alexandra - 39
Gemma - 35
Aston - 32
Jonnie - 31
Susan - 30
Davood - 29
Debbie - 27
Mollie - 27
Joe - 24
Ruth - 24
Brian - 21
Charlotte - 19
Simon - 19

Sunday came around, as it always does (just a little earlier for the dancers and studio audience). It was time for us to find out who was hanging us their dancing shoes for good.

The pro-dancers brought us a show-opening spectacular that was all Stomp meets Mad Max. Actually, I had flashbacks to the gay zebras. I think it was about escaping from a post-apocalyptic industrial hell-hole to a twinkly, floaty paradise with Kevin, Aljaz and Giovanni in scruffy clothes and more eye make-up than Claudia. Still, it was enteing enough as results show dances go.

Glacial Tess Daly started to read out the survivors. The poor celebs must be overdosing on adrenaline as they're waiting to hear their fate. Finally, after what seemed like a century DAVOOD GHADAMI was shockingly announced as being in the bottom two. What have I said about the fickle public? SEVEN other dancers scored lower than him - many of whom had woeful scores and routines and he is in the dance off? Alright, his Viennese hadn't been traditional but it was decent enough and he didn't deserve to be looking down the barrel of a boot-off.

The lovely Gregory Porter entertained us with Smile (written, incidentally, by Charlie Chaplin - so they should have had him on last week) while the recently booted off Pasha and Dianne did their bit, which wasn't rubbing their face in it at all. While I'm at it, why does Gregory always wear a hat and that head-covery thing indoors? He won't feel the benefit when he goes outside, that's all I can say. Anyway, it was very nice as I tucked into my Raspberry Ruffle bar (rock 'n' roll, me).

Len's Lens has now apparently become the Dance Debrief. Boooooooring! The judges waffled, ranted and raved with Darcey pontificating all over Aston's sickle, saying if he works hard he can pull it off next week.

Back to the results as we all waited to find out who else was in the dance off. One by one the reprieved remainers were announced until we were down to Joe McFadden and Charlotte Hawkins. Tess finally revealed that it would be Charlotte  facing a potential exit. Bloody hell, Davood must have been relieved. Short of running over and clothes-lining Craig or drop-kicking Darcey (which I'd have paid good money to see) he was a shoo-in to stay this week.

Both couples took back to the dance-floor to give it all they had to impress the panel. Davood could have just sat on the floor dragging his bum around like a dog with worms, to be honest, and still be onto a winner. But give him his due, he reprised the routine in a much sharper, polished way - and Nadiya's feet stayed grounded this time. Charlotte did her best, poor thing, but it just wasn't to be. Not even Brendan's frantic distraction dancing could change the inevitable. The judges voted unanimously to save Davood and it was time for her to say goodbye. I bet Brendan's secretly relieved - the couple were never likely to be in touching distance of the glitterball and at least he gets to have a lie-in with his Squiggles in the morning now.

And there we were for another week. A dirty dozen dancers survive as we edge closer to Hallowe'en. Will Ruth improve some more? Will Brian leave the facial workout alone for once? Will anyone get another ten - and just where can Alexandra go from here?

All this and more in next week's gripping instalment. Until then, Strictly fans.....KEEP DANCING!!