It is the night of deeds most foul

Where banshees wail and werewolves howl

When spooks and spectres fill with dread

The mortal, wary of the dead

And creatures so evil can be seen

 To frighten us this Hallowe'en

The ghouls and goblins may writhe and prance

But which star did the greatest dance?

HELL-O Strictly fans and welcome to the round up of this week's Spooktacular performances! Sorry it's a bit later than usual this week. We've been binge-watching Season One of Stranger Things with MBOTH. The boy has to get caught up.

Well, the gremlins have certainly been out in force this week. Poor AJ had been laid up with the lurgy meaning partner Mollie has had to dance with stand in Patrick. No, I've not heard of him either. It wasn't the spare ginger one, anyway. Apparently, Simon was also struggling with rehearsals. The fall he suffered in last week's dance off - which almost saw him binned off the show - tore a quad muscle and has resulted in him missing a lot of practice time, only really starting on Thursday. I wonder if we'll be able to tell the difference?

At least things were back to normal with the return of Bruno Tonioli to the panel. Sad in a way, really. Craig was more Bruno than Bruno last week and we were spared smarmy innuendo. Ah, but we'd miss him if he was gone for long. Not me, I'm an excellent shot.

This week's You Know What, You Could Proper Do A X To This Song is.....Viennese Waltz to Beautiful Freak by Eels. Very fitting for Hallowe'en as well. HOTH and I should have had it as our wedding song, if we'd have thought of it. Mind you, people thing we're weird enough as it is. Probably a good job we stuck to There's No-One Quite Like Grandma. I'm kidding. We had a proper romantic first dance. I'm just not telling you what it was.

I thought I was watching a surprise sneak peak dress rehearsal the other night. Turns out I'd tuned into 'Ru Paul's Drag Race'. An easy mistake to make after Anton's outfit last week. Although I think Drag Race had fewer sequins, better taste and more rhythm.

But I digress. Again. I've not even opened the wine yet. Right. Back to the show. So, whether the mysterious mishaps will have any effect on the demonised dancers on the night we shall have to wait and see. Witch couples bedazzled the judges and whooooooo was just a fright? Down the rabbit hole we go and find out.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS BAD PUNS. NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED OR THOSE OF A NERVOUS DISPOSITION.

This being Hallowe'en we were treated to a bonus show opener by the pros and celebs dancing to It's A Sin by Pet Shop Boys. It was a nice way to get things warmed up for the rest of the show to come. No wonder the audience are there for a million years with all the dancing and costume changes they have to get through. They must have one hell of a warm up man keeping them going.

Jinxy Jonnie Peacock and Oti kicked off proceedings with a chilly cha cha cha to Troublemaker by Olly Murrs. Trouble being the operative word here. Poor Jonnie really seemed to struggle with this dance and he never really got going. Dressed as a zombie pirate he was heading for Davy Jones' locker from the start. The character work has gone well but the actual dancing bit has gone to pot. He was flat-footed and stompy, leaning forward again with his balance all over the place. Oti had challenged Jonnie with some tricky steps but there was no hip action, rotation or bounce. Not his best dance, he sunk down the leaderboard scoring a ghastly 20 out of 40.

Rotten Ruth Langsford and Anton followed with a queasy quickstep to the theme tune from TV show Bewitched. They didn't seem to get into the spirit of things with barely any costume or make up. I know Bewitched was supposed to be about a witch trying to hide in plain sight but, apart from a lame cotton tail on Anton, nada. It looked like a Geography teacher getting it on with the Home Economics one. The dance wasn't much better either. Ruth made a few mistakes from the start but covered them up okay. The choreography was really simple and hardly challenging for Week Six. She coped well enough with what content there was but she was hunched over and her shoulders were raised. She had some rhythm but her timing was off in parts. Hardly spellbinding but she managed to charm 22 out of 40 from the panel.

Sinister Simon Rimmer and Karen brought an awful American Smooth based on a Viennese waltz to Delilah by Tom Jones. I'm not sure what Simon was supposed to be, but he looked like a 1970s Oliver Reed after a rough night. Well, rougher than usual.

I had heard it was just supposed to be a Viennese, but maybe things had to be changed up because of his injury. This was more American Horror Story than American Smooth. I've seen more life, rhythm and energy in the extras from The Walking Dead. The ones Rick and Co have already finished off. It took ages to start with loads of perplexing pootling about round a table and went downhill from there. Simon was stiff, stilted and wooden with flat feet and splayed hands. His footwork was heavy and leaden and he clumped his way around the floor. There were barely any lifts - one was Karen just about lifting her pinky toe off the floor in a spin. I don't think Simon stands a ghost of a chance this week and it's manifest he won't be with us for much longer. Even ending with a bizarre chicken leg munch (which they still hadn't finished chewing at the end of the critique) it was a case of 'why, why, why' and he only got 16 out of 40. For about the sixth week running.

Gruesome Gemma Atkinson and Aljaz came out with a jolting jive to Ever Fallen In Love by The Buzzcocks. Gemma was dressed as a vampire hunter and this dance was an all you can eat Buffy of kicks, flicks and tricks. Gemma must surely stake her place in next week's show in a routine with plenty of bite. This was a fangtastic, fun number showing how much Gemma has improved as a dancer. She had great retraction in her legs, plenty of bounce and energy and did really well in the tricky side by side sections. There were a couple of mistakes at the beginning which she was beating herself up over, but this was a good effort. The judges were impressed too, coffin up 30 out of 40 points.

Joyless Joe McFadden and Katya gave us a frightful foxtrot to Trouble by Coldplay. Not a very scary tune this. Mind you. SBOTH used to cry every time Coldplay came on the radio when he was a baby. And that was long before the gay zebras episode. The judges are clearly seeing something in Joe I'm not. They rave every week about him but, to me, he's just....meh. His routines aren't really memorable and my attention sometimes wanders while he's dancing. He was dressed in a weird chain / web covered outfit with a spider painted on his gob. There was a lot of flinging himself about the floor again, with Drama School 101 acting technique. Not a lot of floor was covered, but there were some fast spins and changes of pace which he coped with well. There should have been some intent but he was all Incy Wincy Mincey again and his hands looked like tarantulas on Katya's back. He had the judges in his web though and they gave him 32 out of 40.

Malevolent Mollie King and a recovered AJ brought us a creepy cha cha cha to Better The Devil You Know by Kylie Minogue. This was a devilishly difficult dance for Mollie who admits she's not a Latin fan. She found her demons again this week with AJ's choreography. He does get carried away a bit sometimes and doesn't make the steps suit his partner. Mollie worked hard on a cheeky, flirty character and she gave it a good go with bounce and rhythm. Sadly, her hips had very little rotation and her legs were a bit weak, meaning she couldn't get the correct action required. Her balance was off too as she was leaning back a bit too far and her shoulders kept rising. I hear Kylie means 'boomerang' in Aborignal Australian. I wonder if Mollie will come back next week? 27 out of 40 from the panel.

Abominable Alexandra Burke and Gorka showed us a terrifying tango to Maneater by Nelly Furtado. From a Thriller-esque start Zombie Alexandra tore up the floor with this dance. My goodness. Packed full of passion, focus and intent she looked like a pro dancer matching Gorka step for step. She really performed the routine - something Joe some of the others should be looking to emulate. There were deadly accurate staccato moves and accents and she was strong and fierce. Great both in and out of hold, this was a confident, accomplished outing for Alexandra. The judges had the brains to score her 35 out of 40.

Deadly Davood Ghadami and Nadiya performed a rotten rumba to Wicked Game by Chris Isaak. Erm. The story of the dance was Davood being visited by Nadiya as a ghost. This was haunting for all the wrong reasons. Davood's 'romantic' expression was more gormless than gorgeous. You can tell he's an Eastenders actor - if they're not screaming at each other to get out of the pub they're lost. Even as rumbas go, this was boring. There was hardly any rumba content at all and there was more lunging than longing in Davood's efforts. He had nice arms, but his footwork was all over the place and he was off beat throughout. This was all a shade of style over substance but I sus-spectre he'll be safe enough. He spooked the judges into giving him just 25 out of 40.

Satanic Susan Calman and Kevin tripped out a freaky foxtrot to Killer Queen by Queen. Susan was dressed as Daenerys Stormborn, Mother of Dragons, from Game of Trones. Our Kev was, of course, Jon Snow. No, not the newsreader. Although that would have been a brilliant costume mix-up. Imagine what Kevin could have done with a big swingometer. Mind you, Kevin seemed to have given the costumers a bit of a challenge. He looked more like Danny The Drug Dealer from Withnail & I than Kit Harington's character.

  

See what I mean? Looks like the dressers had been on the Camberwell Carrots and finest wines known to humanity when they put this together. Anyway, Susan's dance. This could have been so good, but Kevin had stripped almost all of the foxtrot content out and simplified things to the bare minimum. I don't want to drag-on, but he's started putting in comedy elements where there really shouldn't be any. Daenerys is all about burning stuff to the ground. This barely smouldered. Sadly, there was very little grace or elegance and she lacked flow. At times she was stomping around like the Dothraki Horde. Her frame was pretty good and she did well out of hold - but they were out of hold too long which cost them points. I fear winter is coming for Susan and she got just 18 out of 40.

Dastardly Debbie McGee and Giovanni lightened proceedings with a crypticious (no, I don't think that's an actual word) Charleston to Frankie by Sister Sledge. With Giovanni looking weirdly like a green Noel Fielding, this was a cracking dance. Debbie seemed to have resurrected her talent this week and was magnificent. Giovanni had packed absolutely everything you could think of into his choreography. It had flapper struts, birdy arms, monkey steps, hops, starfish spins - the whole kaboodle. And Debbie coped with every single thing like she'd been doing it for years (well, to be fair, she has - both as a ballet dancer and choreographer). This routine was full of energy, pizazz and sparkle and she kept it up from start to finish. This monster routine earned her a whopping 39 out of 40, with Shirley calling Debbie over to hand over her metaphorical Queen of Latin crown.

Atrocious Aston Merrygold and Janette Manraraaaaarrrrrggghhh closed the show with a phantasmic (look, I'm running out of words, okay) paso doble to Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. This was an incredible way to end the night. Aston rocked in a routine full of passion, attack, intent and focus. He had magnificent flamenco feet, scarily good shaping, spooky style and powerful presence. He even threw in some pop-n-lock hip hop moves which could have been risky but the judges loved it. Apparently he even threw in a Joaquin Cortes, whatever the flip that is. And all that on only one Cuban heel as the other one had flown off during the flamenco section. Definitely my favourite dance of the night, he scored a Joaquin-great 38 out of 40.

And so the dances were over and the celebs had crept back into the crypt. Craig had gone to top up his embalming fluid and the others probably went outside to exorcise.

The leaderboard looked like this:

Debbie - 39

Aston - 38

Alexandra - 35

Joe - 32

Gemma - 30

Mollie - 27

Davood - 25

Ruth - 22

Jonnie - 20

Susan - 18

Simon - 16

The sun rose on Sunday and all was well with the world. MBOTH's rugby had been called off again. I swear I must do voodoo on the thing - I'd pre-written a paragraph about me rather staying in bed and, SHAZAM, match cancelled. So it was breakfast in bed instead, which is much nicer than freezing my extremities off while shouting encouraging things at young people.

The pro-dancers got things going with a spooky, atmospheric number to a medley of tunes from Fleetwood Mac and Michael Jackson. We ended up with a flying Brendan and a phantom four-poster. Best not to ask, really.

Terrible Tess Daly (I'm keeping up the Hallowe'en theme, honest) filled the time reading out the safe dancers. Several hours minutes of fake heartbeat music, the screaming and cheering of the safe and teary-eyed 'thank yous' to The Folks At Home the first to be denounced dance off denizen was Mollie. Bit of a surprise, that one, seeing as she was comfortably mid-leaderboard. Maybe she was a victim of the 'ooh, well I won't vote for her because she'll be safe' school of thought.

As if things weren't scary enough, Steps - who have been reformed more times than a tin of corned beef - sang Scared Of The Dark while a whole raft of stand in pro dancerswove their magic. I was never really into Steps. All that cheesy, jolly pop was a bit too saccharine for me in the days of...hang on. Looking at the biggest selling music of 1997 we had Elton's Candle in the Wind, SugaPuffTheMagicDaddy or whatever he's called these days with Missing You. Hanson and bloody Mmm Bop and Aqua's Barbie Girl. Steps were practically Marilyn Manson!

Claudia tried to raise the dead boring with the considerations of the committee. Have you noticed how quick they whizz through this bit these days? It's over with faster than I can eat a quarter of cherry lips (very fast, trust me on this). Mind you, Shirley spent a few minutes mauling Claudia and lamenting her por core. Claud wasn't fazed by the manhandling and Shirl's cards have been marked for the rest of the series.

And so to the final denouncements. The remaining lights went out one by one as Tess told us who was safe. Eventually we were down to Jonnie and Simon. You didn't have to be Mystic Meg to work out who was going to be the one in trouble. And it was no great shock to anyone when Simon's name was read out again. Would it be third time lucky for us?

The imperilled pair took to the floor one more time but it was hardly going to be a nail biting fight to the finish. No contest on this one really, was it? I mean, it would be a bit like putting Mini Me from Austin Powers up against Anthony Joshua and expecting it to go the distance. Vicious bugger that Verne Troyer, so I hear. Still, we had to sit through the dances one more time. They're cruel like that on Strictly.

At last, the judges had made their decision (like it was a difficult one). SIMON was leaving the show. To be honest, it's been a few weeks coming and there are a lot of folk who think he was lucky to stay last time. My wee limerick last week probably put the mockers on him as well, if my rugby voodoo is anything to go by.

The TV chef just couldn't make the cut

He's Simon, Simon, Simon Rimmer

Could be outdanced by a garden strimmer

And so the tentative ten tenderly tiptoe towards triumph as we hurtle at Week Seven. Who can survive another thrilling instalment? Meet me here next week and I'll tell you.

Until then, my gorgeous ghoulies............KEEP DANCING!