Hello. Fancy meeting you here! I know, I know. I said I was taking a two week break. I got confuddled. I completely forgot there was a week
in between mum in law's birthday and Halloween. So you get a bonus week free and for nuffink. Aren't I good to you.
It's been a funny old week, especially with Downing Street Hokey Cokey. (You put one PM in, one PM out, in, out, in, out, what the <bleep's> it all about?) She hadn't even had time to choose the extortionate cost at Taxpayer expense wallpaper! But this blog isn't about politics, is it? This is a - hopefully - fun safe space where I get to pour scorn on people trying to entertain us. I mean, could I do it? Possibly if I was paid a lot of money, got 12 hours a day training time and Gio or Vito grabbing my wobbly bits (of which there are a lot).
So, what happened last week, eh? The week I don't blog everyone ups their game, is what. I couldn't believe my eyes when we watched after the Jason Manford gig (very, very funny by the way). Hamza's incredible routine, lifts, chucking Jowita around like pizza dough. Tony did a fleckerl, James smiled - even Matt showed some personality. Didn't stop him from being eliminated, mind.
Sometimes HOTH hates Strictly season. All he gets when a song comes on the radio or a TV theme tune plays is me blurting out what dance I'd like to do to it;
Nothing Else Matters by Metallica? Viennese Waltz, of course
Theme to House of the Dragon? Paso, no contest
You Know My Name - Tango, innit
You get the gist. There is a point to this waffling, you know. The theme of this week's Strictly is celebrating 100 years of the BBC, from radio to TV and streaming. Which led to some very strange music and dances. Never were there so many square pegs hammered viciously into round holes. What was the noise - oh, yes. The one you get after you've scraped through the bottom of the barrel. I swear the Strictly offices must be exactly like those depicted in the TV show W1A. I know ours are!
Strangeness and incongruousness aside, was it a good night? Well, let me show you. (Oi HOTH! Put the Gallery music from Take Hart will you?)
The pro dance was okay. All dancing in different places (14 TV shows, 35 BBC stars), Huw Edwards patently not playing the ukulele, David Attenborough being sat on by gorillas, all set to Morecambe & Wise's theme Bring Me Sunshine, and lots more iconic clips, - sans the elephant doing her business on the Blue Peter studio floor. Speaking of which...
Helen & Gorka opened the show with a cracker of a Charleston to the Blue Peter Theme Tune. Smooth segue, eh? I don't know what Gorka has been saying to Helen in the week but she came out onto the floor like a totally different person - the one who cycled to the North Pole, kayaked solo down the Amazon and high-wired between the Battersea Power Station towers. From the outset Helen gave it everything she had. This was a full-on, content-packed, difficult Charleston. It was fun, cheeky and entertaining with bags of swivel, kicks, flicks, tricks, tumbles, sailor's hornpipes and props. Helen was clearly loving it - a mile wide smile on her face as she danced, bang on time, in step and in sync with Gorka even while chucking a ball about and playing tug of war. I especially enjoyed the 'Here's One We Made Earlier' prop of the judges at the end. Nautical but nice, Helen scored 35 out of 40.
Tyler & Dianne came next with a Tango to The Doctor Who Theme Tune (didn't KevinFromGrimsby and Stacey Dooley do that the year they won?). Now, Tyler doesn''t make life easy for himself. London Marathon the other week, this week he'd flown to Mauritius for his brother's wedding, stayed 2 hours and 45 minutes then came back home for training. AND he's the highest scoring male celebrity so far. I liked this routine - no silly costume for Tyler, just the bow-tie (bow-ties are cool) and Amy as the prettiest Weeping Angel I ever saw - Blink is my favourite episode of Doctor Who, by the way. This was a really good dance. Tyler had power, attack and drive - but was still controlled. He coped well with the tricky footwork and the speed of the dance, changes of direction and hold, paso postures and turns. His frame held well but his bum stuck out too far for Craig. Nice sharp staccato moves and atmosphere, though, and the pair scored 32 out of 40.
Fleur & Vito brought us a Jive to Waterloo by ABBA (a nod to the Beeb airing The Eurovision Song Contest). I must say, Vito still does it for me in a Benny wig - the bloke from ABBA, not Crossroads, I'm not that mad.
Friends with Bennyfits
It wasn't a bad dance - there was a lot to like. Fleur had lots of energy at the start, her knees nice and high, coping well with some tricky content and moves.She was more controlled, her kicks and flicks were okay and there was a decent step-ball-kick action. However, her timing started to go off as her stamina flagged and she started to get flat-footed, heavy and stompy. Still, Shirley was nice to her for a change and she scored 32 out of 40.
Up next were James & Amy with a flaky Foxtrot to the EastEnders Theme Tune (bet that took them AGES to thunk up). It started with a plinky-plonky piano version - fair made me want a cocktail, it did. Good job I had some in that I'd got through the post, and they were very nice. And Old Fashioned and Side Car. But enough about me & HOTH. Now, I know James is busy with work and has to fit training in around filming but so did Rose and she won. He's a nice enough bloke but, I'm sorry, I just find him boring to watch. He has no real charisma on the floor and he is one note from start to finish. His arms and lines are improving but he leaned way too far back, meaning his balance was off. That meant his frame went loose & sloppy while his feet were stiff, stompy & stodgy and there was gapping you could have fitted The Queen Vic through. Not so much as GET OUT OF MY PUB as GET OFF OF MY DANCE FLOOR. 26 out of 40 awarded.
Ellie S & Nikita provided a passable Paso Doble to Montagues & Capulets (Theme from The Apprentice. I know they were going for a board room / Apprentice theme but I didn't like Ellie's make up and costume. It was too harsh and unflattering. This was a hard dance for Ellie to do, due to her disabilities, but Nikita had adapted the choreography really well to showcase how she's improving week on week without skimping on content and difficulty. It was a moody, atmospheric dance and Ellie had great focus and intent throughout. She really embodies the characters she is given and her storytelling through dance is fab. Her lines were lovely, her feet on fleek. There was even a wrist-ripper spin. There weren't enough Spanish lines for grumpy Craig and Shirl docked points for an 'assisted lift'. 30 out of 40 from the picky panel.
The evening's Couple's Choice came from Mollie & Carlos to the Grange Hill Theme Tune (aka Chicken Man). I'm sorry, but this came across like a Pound Shop Matilda rip-off routine put together by energetic Year 6 kids. All shiny teeth & wobbly eyes, this was supposed to be a Street Dance but there was too much faffing with bags, gurning at the camera and lack-lustre lolloping. It was a bit slow and too stylised for me, there was no real attack or energy and the moves came across as sloppy and unfinished. It needed more attack, more pep and bigger shaping to really make it pop. It was all too safe & polite - more Public School than London Comp, even with a stabbed sausage and a mashed potato pie in Carlos' face. The judges weren't too impressed either and only gave the couple 30 out of 40.
Hamza & Jowita were next with a Quickstep to On Top Of The World by Imagine Dragons (used in BBC Nature Programming). Hamza surprises and delivers week on week - and still finds room for improvement. He's one of the dancers I really look forward to seeing each week. He is SO light on his feet for a larger chap and skipped and glided through this routine like he does it every day. There was loads of swing in the dance with clever choreography, changes of pace and direction and Hamza fair flew across the floor. This was a joyful routine and he had a great hold, nice shaping, lovely hands and top line, leading Jowita well. He needs to work on his feet though, as he has a tendency to flit between pigeon-toed and penguin-footed which made him lose some balance (by the way, if you want a giggle, Google Benedict Cumberbatch narrating some footage of penguins). Hamza's Arctic routine didn't leave the judges cold and he scored 35 out of 40. That'll do n-ice-ly.
Ellie T & Johannes took us to Holby with a Tango to the Casualty Theme Tune. I don't know about you, but their faux hospital drama opening really made me laugh - heck, it even made Craig laugh. I think I'd honestly watch a medical soap starring Team Jellie. It wasn't the easiest music to dance to, but Ellie gave it her best shot. She had practiced her head placement, which was beautiful, and had worked hard on shaping, top lines and footwork. Her hands were practically perfect and she coped well with the natural and reverse turns, as well as a decent promenade. She lacked some drive and attack but this was a damn good effort - Ellie is another improver who takes the judges' notes on board. A fair 29 out of 40,
Jayde & Karen brought the second
Charleston of the night
to The Ballad of Barry & Freda (Let's Do It) by Victoria Wood. This is hands down and without doubt my favourite song by the sadly missed comedy queen. The first time I heard it I was in pain from laughing so much. The first time SOTH heard it he collapsed in a heap, tears streaming down his face. He even downloaded it to his phone. I know, I know. I'm stalling. Jayde & Karen were supposed to look like Victoria Wood in dungarees and pudding-bowl haircuts. Unfortunately, they looked more like Hale & Pace's Billy & Johnny.
All Hale Jayde's Pace, I know I Wood
It started off okay, with Jayde at the piano singing the opening bars. Then she started dancing and, well...Now, I quite like Jayde. She's personable and self-deprecating, but this really wasn't her dance. It was a madcap routine with Jayde bringing great character and enthusiasm. However, there wasn't really much Charleston content apart from the very basics and she lacked swivel in her feet. The lifts and tricks were quite good but she needed more energy, attack and over-the-top, exaggerated moves. She kind of stood still and watched Karen doing her bits rather than fill in or do something of her own, which is a no-no in a Charleston. She scored 28 out of 40 on the night possibly overmarked.
Will & Nancy delivered an arresting Viennese Waltz to Line of Duty End Titles (Will was in Season Three). Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey, this was a fab take on a Viennese. It was like a mash up of Viennese, Tango and Paso which was a really refreshing change. Will always wants to give his best and this dance was no exception. Instead of the floaty-light, twirly-whirly Viennese this had drama, attack, presence and poise. There was no romance here - it was mean, moody, menacing and I loved it. Will had a nice frame and some good shaping, he gave us a fab fleckerl and his spins and turns were very nice. He made a couple of foot errors and there was a tiny stumble at one point as well as splayed bunch-of-bananas hands at times. The judges said he needs more control in some of his moves but he still got a respectable 32 out of 40.
Nobody can say that Tony isn't enjoying his time with Katya as he attempted their Cha Cha Cha to the Grandstand Theme Tune. He certainly puts the hours in with his training, anway. While he did show some rhythm, he still looked like Katya was dragging her dad around the dancefloor at her Sweet Sixteenth. Tony undoubtedly has tons of personality and he's working hard, especially with his connection with his partner (I would love to know what she's saying to him during the routine). He lacked any hip movement, rotation, figure-of-eight or isolation below the waist, which seemed to have got on a completely different bus to the rest of his body. In a dance already low on content there were no real Cha Cha Cha steps, even the most basic ones, and his leg was more noodle than anything. Poor Tony looked more like Mr Soft from the old Trebor Mints ad.
This Cha Cha Charming Man
Again, Tony seemed to forget some of the routine, he mis-stepped all over the shop and had all the rhythm of a sedated seal. Is he a good dancer? No, of course not. Is he entertaining? Without doubt. Despite a lowly 19 out of 40, I suspect we'll see more of Mr Adams yet. But if he's dancing to The Addams Family for Halloween week I'm going to hit the tequila hard. HOTH be warned!
Kym & Graziano rounded off the night with a Quickstep to Ballroom Blitz by Sweet (from, apparently, Come Dancing), introduced by the doyenne of telly ballroom dancing, Angela Rippon. Kym looked lovely in the old style ballroom dress ('Kym is wearing a chiffon and lace number, with two hundred and eighty million sequins hand-sewn by her mum at 11 o'clock last night'). It was alright. Her footwork was fair and she was skippy and clippy in a routine that even had some Charleston moves, but it could have been so much MORE. It was all a bit sedate, polite and dare I say safe? Of course I do, it's my blog! There wasn't much content, attack or drive from Kym and she seemed to lack stamina and energy. Her frame was all over the place, loose & wobbly and so ruining her top line. The whole thing fell a bit flat for me, especially after Hamza's version. I mean, it would be like comparing my dancing round me handbag to Darcey Bussell. Kym scored 27 out 40.
The credits had rolled on our final dance, the National Anthem played and the screen faded to that truly terrifying Little Girl & Clown ident they had in the Olden Days. Well, it didn't really but you know what I'm talking about. When Telly Used To Go Off At Night And Didn't Start Again Until Late Morning. What with the girl & clown, Hartley Hare from Pipkins and Mr Noseybonk - all on kids' TV, by the way - it's a wonder I'm even vaguely normal. Hey, enough of that!
And you thought the Tellytubbies looked odd
And so Saturday turned into Sunday and time for The Results Show. Which of our Dancing Dirty Dancers was Doomed? Would there be an Upset and a Scandal? Let me tell you, then.
The opening showcased the Beeb's Natural History Team and a pretty spectacular dance. Using Sir David Attenborough's narration, it started with a shirtless, oiled up Vito and that was pretty much it for my blood pressure. I nearly had to go for a lie down. Young man! At my age!
We went over the dances from last night again, a quick review of what the judges thought and how the contestants felt about the routines and scores. The lights went down and the bumbedy-bum music played (it's not the same without Gio's head bopping). After roughly the time it takes Neptune to orbit the sun twice we found out that the first celeb in the bottom two was...
MOLLIE - Maybe this was because she was mid-table and people thought she was safe and didn't vote. Maybe it was because she kind of shot herself in the foot (metaphorically speaking) by reminding us she graduated from the Sylvia Young Theatre School and thus a ringah. Maybe it was because her routine wasn't that good. Who knows? Only the dance off would tell if she would make it to Halloween week - and beyond.
The first set of safe slebs huddled in the Clauditorium for a debrief. James was convinced he was going home, Kym was over the moon (and we were treated to footage of her grandchildren bopping away), Helen researches the dances prior to training it with 'new big brother' Gorka and Tony called himself a donkey. I'm saying nowt. Will has found a new army of fans in younger viewers, and gave a cheeky nod to Whitney Houston.
Then we were treated to tunes from Becky Hill. No? Me either, I'm afraid. Apparently, she was on The Voice or summat. She seemed nice enough but she has that nasally, poorly enunciated style everyone seems to have at the minute. You know what I mean. The sort that made me wonder why Anne-Marie was showering a horse. I'm afraid she's going to end up in the same I'm A Grumpy Old Bint music file in my head along with Dua Grande, Ariana Lipa, Nibbly Eyelash (Billie Eilish) et al. I'm more a Foo Fighters, Metallica, older Kings of Leon fan, myself.
The judges wittered about waltzes and quarrelled about quicksteps. Motsi loved Helen, saying she looked like a new woman. Shirl manhandled Anton into postures and poses to explain posture. Our Tone raved over Will's fleckerl (stop it) and demonstrated how to do one properly. Craig explained why Ellie's lift was illegal and that he deducted a point for 'showing off'. He also called the papier mache version of Shirley a train-wreck. Or was he referring to the effigy? Chinnius Reckonus.
Back to the dancefloor for the second half of Dance Off Danger. Two minutes and 15.32 seconds later (I timed it) and we were finally out of our misery (but not theirs) when Tess told us the celeb who was up against Mollie would be...
JAYDE - not much of a surprise, if I'm honest, even with Shirley calling her one of the series' strongest entertainers. Arsenal fans and underdog supporters will be keeping Tony in, likewise EastEnders fans with James. Online reading seemed to show support for Jayde was waning and Victoria Wood fans may have been miffed. Would she live to dance again?
Claud & Chums regrouped. Fleur has apparently never had coffee until Vito got his hands on her, Ellie S screams the tension out before she hits the dancefloor, Hamza's parents are both surgeons whose patients want to know about him rather than their op. Johannes' smile apparently lit up Cardiff and Dianne encourages Tyler like she's toilet training a spaniel puppy (who's the best ballroom dancer, who's a good boy?)
And so to the dreaded dance off. Both couples seemed to have upped their game and their performances. Mollie was sharper, cheekier and more in character but she was clumsy & clunky getting down off the table. Jayde's moves were bigger and she seemed to put more oomph into the routine. Both couples still lacked something for me. Good job I wasn't judging then, isn't it? As it was, them what gets paid to do it were unanimous in their verdict and the next celebrity to fall was...
JAYDE. Not such a massive surprise - I don't think she was ever favourite to win. She had a good few weeks and certainly enjoyed herself partnering with Karen. At least we won't have to witness any more nose boops - something that should only really be done to cats. She gave great praise to the show, yo the cast, all the backstage crew and, of course, to Karen.
Right. I am DEFINITELY not here next week. For realsies. 'Tis the anniversary of HOTH & I tying the knot and so it is customary that we eat nice food and imbibe lovely beverages. So you'll have to look after yourselves. Until then, my Paso Pals.....
KEEP DANCING!!!
No Glitterball for this Jayded Lady
I have written a naughty extra verse for The Ballad of Barry & Freda. It's tongue in cheek and meant to be lighthearted, so please don't read on if you may be offended...
I can't do it, can't do it
Who the feck thought of this?
No swivel, such drivel
Folk will think I'm taking the piss
I'm shoddy, so ploddy
I've seen better dancing in an episode of Noddy
I didn't do it, I'm going home toniiiiiiiiiiiight
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