Well, I don't know about you, but I'm still sulking after last week's shocker. How could you Shirley? That's her out of the Secret Santa this year, I'm telling you. Lump of coal and a mouldy satsuma in her stocking an' all. Harrumph.

But we must go on. There are still nine couples left - not to mention Blackpool. We were there the other week to see the lights and have fish and chips with homeopathic vinegar on. It's out family tradition until MBOTH thinks it's too lame and won't be seen with us in public.

Seeing as how I was in a melancholy mood after Sunday I thought I'd cheer myself up with a jolly tune for this week's What Shall We Dance To That. So this week you're getting a cha cha cha to Brimful Of Asha by Cornershop - the Norman Cook remix, of course. I want a Bollywood meets Open All Hours look to the costumes, please. The lady dancers in beautiful Indian attire, Brendan and co dressed like Arkwright. Fork 'andles? Fork in hell! (Yes, I know I'm mashing my shop comedies - it's a remix, innit).

But what will happen this week? Are we in for another shocker or is this the week the public starts to see sense? There's only one way to find out....

Susan Calman and Kevin opened the show with a tango to Firework by Katy Perry. Now, you got all your firework related jokes last week. I'm all out. This was a very different Susan to the fun, jolly lady we usually see. This dance was definitely not played for laughs (you listening Anton?) and was a decent attempt at a serious routine. Susan brought a different character this week, but her facial expression made her look like she was in pain rather than in the throes of passion. There was attack and intent but her frame was a bit loose and there was no V shaping. Her footwork and timing were fairly good but Kevin seemed to be dragging her around a bit. Susan is all Roar talent but I don't think she'll be the Dark Horse because she can blow Hot and Cold. The judges awarded her 27 out of 40.

Joe McFadden and Katya came next with a rumba to One by U2. Joe was apparently attempting a romantic expression but, unfortunately, he was more Acting 101 Joey Tribbiani 'Smell The Fart' than anything else.

 

He who smelt it, dealt it. Well Joe apparently dealt a decent dance with this rumba if you listen to the judges. He had good lines and shapes in a fairly fast number but the speed led him to become stuttery and jolty when finishing the moves instead of being fluid and free. His hands were a bit poor in parts, clenching and clawing. Craig pulled him up on shoddy footwork and pigeon toes but praised his hipwork. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking for in Joe but he has plenty of Pride and he'll probably go through to Blackpool With Or Without You. 33 out of 40 scored.

Ruth Langsford and Anton brought us a floppy foxtrot to Mack the Knife by Bobby Darin. This was a dance disaaaaster from the start, daaaarling. She messed up from the opening bars with the side-by-side step sequence out of synch at the beginning. Anton tried to cover up saying it was his fault but the judges weren't fooled. She had no timing or rhythm and had reverted to 'electric floor cleaner' mode, being dragged around and placed by Anton. The dance took ages to get going and never improved. She was skippy and clumsy and there was no glide to any of the steps. Her posture was poor with Darcey pulling her up on her bottom half looking like she was swimming in hold. Anton tried to be funny, answering back about 'the swim' being a secret foxtrot step but it was painful and he just looked petulant. Besides, gobbing off to the judges is Brendan's schtick. Maybe Ruth's support will be slashed and she finally gets the chop, especially as she only scored 18 out of 40.

Davood Ghadami and Nadiya performed a scintillating 'Charlieston' to The Lambeth Walk by The Pasadena Roof Orchestra. Dressed as a Cockney barrow boy Davood wowed the crowd with this dance. I couldn't keep my mince pies off his plates of meat as they fairly blurred with swivel and cross. Would you Adam and Eve it, there were even more moves in this dance than in Joe's last week. There were propellers, dapper struts, row boats, monkey steps, flapper walks and tons of steps and kicks. My strawberry tart was in my north and south with some of the incredible and dangerous lifts, including one at the end where Nadiya ended up looking like the Isle of Man flag! The geezer done good and got 38 out of 40 for his efforts. (Please contact me if you need a translation of this bit - I've got Dick Van Dyke on speed dial.)

Gemma Atkinson and Aljaž (sooo mortified I was using the wrong accent in the wrong place last week) seemed to struggle with a Viennese waltz to You Don't Have To Say You Love Me by Brenda Lee. Gemma had worked hard to sort out her posture problems and eyeline but there was no emotion or performance from her. The whole thing was a bit flat, except for the huge amount of rise and fall that, as we know from Aston's demise, shouldn't appear in a Viennese. Gemma's heart didn't really seem to be in it this week and there was an awful moment when her shoe came off in a fast fleckerl that shook her confidence. This was a technically difficult dance and may have been a tad too much. Gemma has been Coming On Strong and whispering Sweet Nothings to the judges each week. Will Gemma be Rockin' Around The Christmas (final) Tree? The panel gave her 28 out of 40 so she may be safe.

Alexandra Burke and Gorka brought the season's first Argentine tango to Mi Konfession by Gotan Project. I'm not sure if the Tango / Gotan anagram is deliberate or just accidental. Or if it's only me that's noticed (wouldn't be the first time). The Beeb are listening, though. I was only moaning saying last week we hadn't had an AT and here we go. This was Alexandra on top form again in a hot, steamy, passionate dance. She was strong and sensual with intense attitude and attack. Her legs were strong and powerful, but the legs hooks and ganchos weren't quite sharp and finished off enough. Her shoulders started to rise a bit by the end of the routine, but it was still an impressive number, full of difficult technique and tricky footwork. Mucho Buenos Aires Alexandra! The judges loved it too and gave her 38 out of 40.

Mollie King and AJ were up next with paso doble to Layla by Derek and the Dominos. Poor Mollie looked like she couldn't deliver a pizza, never mind a paso. This was a low energy, low attack, low content number. Molly is just too nice to bring the power, intent, attack and purpose needed for a paso. She was a subdued señorita, slinking around instead of prowling like a caged tiger. Her shoulders were hunched, she was off balance and she kept looking at the floor like she wanted it to swallow her. This wasn't a difficult dance either - a paso by numbers, if you will. More clapped out than Clapton, this was Mollie's worst dance in weeks. Such a shame. She scored just 22 out of 40.

Jonnie Peacock and Oti trooped out a foxtrot to Someone Like You by Adele. Hello, is Jonnie Turning Tables this week? Rumour Has It he prefers ballroom to Latin and past mistakes could all be Water Under The Bridge. Erm, no. Despite being told over and over in training to keep his bottom tucked in it was stuck out like a baboon in heat. I understand his balance is different due to his prosthetic leg but it looked like he'd cracked the errant ass in rehearsals. Unfortunately, once he took to the floor it all went to pieces again. His frame was hunched and loose and he struggled to lead Oti. His head never seemed to be in the game and he looked uncomfortable from the start. It was a disappointing, careful and self-conscious outing. Even some tricky double reverse turns and natural spins couldn't raise his score above 21 out of 40.

Debbie McGee and Giovanni brought the evening to a close with a sassy salsa to Can't Keep My Eyes Off You by Boys Town Gang. Don't get me started on the grammar in that song. It's almost as bad as 'we don't need no education' <shudder>. Could Debbie match last week's stunner and high score? There was bags of hip action, bounce and energy and Debbie was fast and fluid from start to finish. There were a couple of little mistakes and flaws (including a small pause while Debbie got her balance back) which stopped it from being perfect but there was an amazing one-armed flat spin lift which means either Debbie weighs less than a pair of my kecks or Giovanni is entering next year's World's Strongest Man.

It was an accomplished effort and I reckon the judges should have gone to Specsavers as they only (only!) gave her 35 out of 40.

The nine were done and the night was over. It's strange, the stars usually really up their game in the week before Blackpool to try and ensure a place there. This week it looked like some would rather not be going at all.  Some dancers were clearly ahead of the pack this week. At the end of it all the leaderboard looked like this:

Davood & Alexandra - 38
Debbie - 35
Joe - 33
Gemma -  28
Susan - 27
Mollie - 22
Jonnie - 21
Ruth - 18

Sunday Bloody Sunday rolled around (sorry, I've still got U2 stuck in my head). The viewer votes had been totted up on the back of a fag packet and the final results were in.

The results show opened with a poignant Remembrance themed routine from the pro dancers, to a stripped back version of The Proclaimers' 'Five Hundred Miles'. Without the 'da-ra-da' bit, obviously. It was surprisingly moving and a subdued start to the evening.

The not-really-very-tense-for-us-at-home bit revealed that the first celebrity in the dance off would be Jonnie. This can't have been much of a surprise to the couple - or to anyone watching to be fair. Craig gave helpful and kindly advice and seemed to be enthusiastic about Jonnie's chances - but all would depend on who he was up against, of course.

Seal sung a splendid song, giving us Autumn Leaves while Anton and Katya tromped about waving their limbs artfully. It was nice and fittingly low-key, but I'd have been secretly chuffed if he'd have belted out Crazy and Tony Beak had to try and look graceful in rave gear. Mind you, I don't always watch this bit, as I said last week. If I don't fast forward I use the opportunity to top up my gin cuppa. I don't think they notice.

Claudia tried to extract something interesting and entertaining from the panel as they perused previous proceedings. It's just not the same now it's not Len's Lens. I, for one, wouldn't miss this slot if they cut it. It doesn't really add much now - especially if you watch It Takes Two during the week. Still, it gives me time to make a gin butty or something.

Back to the restive remainers and the dance off declaration. We were left with SUSAN and RUTH. It was all going to come down to whose fan base was the strongest, who had got the most viewer votes. After a genuinely nervy minute RUTH was announced to be in the danger zone. Bruno was less supportive of Ruth with his advice, chuckling like it was already over, telling her to use 'smoke and mirrors' to cover up her mistakes.

Well, THANK YOU. At last the bottom two on the leaderboard were the two in the dance off and deserved to be there. Both couples were going to have to up their game to stay safe. The question was going to be who was more likely to rise to the occasion and cope with the pressure.

Both pairs took back to the floor for the foxtrot face-off. Ruth was......Ruth. She went wrong from the start again, messing up the side-by-side bit - easily the simplest part of the programme. Anton appeared to be talking her through it and she messed up at the end as well. The sportsman that he is, Jonnie took a deep breath and raised his game. He danced this time like he was in the qualifiers for the Olympics. He tucked his bottom under a bit more and put more effort into the spins and turns. He even remembered to smile.

After the reprises come the reprisals. Who were the judges going to save this week? It came as absolutely no surprise that, at the end of their deliberations, RUTH was chucked off the show.

And not before time, in my humble opinion. In fact, long after she should have gone if I'm being honest. I'm sure she's a lovely lady and, let's face it, she has to put up with being married to Eamonn Holmes. But a dancer she is not and I don't think even months of intensive training by the best of the best (eg not ego in a tuxedo Anton du Beke) would have made any difference. Some people have potential, some people should stick to what they're good at. And so we'll see Ruth back on the sofa again, entertaining her telly fans and it's bye-bye Captain Beak-y.

And that was our lot. The remaining eight couples will be dusting off their Kiss Me Quick hats and getting on the chara to next week's show live from Blackpool. More excruciating puns? Would I do that to you? Of course I would!!

Until next week..............KEEP DANCING!!!