There Can Be Only One

Well, here we are folks. The Strictly Come Dancing 2022 Grand Final. The Big One. The Top Banana. The Glitterball Giveaway. We've had laughter, drama, tears (blimey, have we had tears - I thought Ore Oduba was back). There's been injuries and infections, blood, sweat, trauma, toil and a stripping Tony Adams. I don't know about you, but this was one of the strongest years ever - discounting a couple of less able celebrities (cough, Kaye, cough). One by one, they were whittled down from fifteen to the final four. Hamza, Molly, Fleur and Helen. My prediction? A dancer with five letters in their first name would be lifting the trophy last night. Just call me Sceptic Seg.

I predict a riot good night

If you're a fan, you will have been watching and will know who won - or even glimpsed in the vague direction of the media, come to think of it. I'm still going to make you read to the end, anyway. Wait. You can scroll! Don't scroll! You'll miss some funny bits. Maybe.

The week started off well for Hamza. On the way to rehearsals he spotted a robin trapped in a window and heroically rescued it, showing us the best way to set our feathered friends free. Of course, I don't need his tuition. I'm an old hat at this kind of things. We have two cats. A couple of years ago I was lolling on the couch doing something important when I noticed the smaller one messing about near the TV cabinet. This is not unknown for him, he is not a conventional cat (he likes being wrapped up in blanket and held like a baby), but usually he fairly quickly finds something else to do. This time, he could not be shifted. I called him, chutched him, threw his toy ball near him. Nada. He was very interested in something over there. I got up to physically shift him, asking what he was doing - as you do when you have pets - and looked over the back of the telly. Where I got a faceful of panicked sparrow. 

I said a couple of naughty words and Spadge took off. Not wanting it to get hurt I started trying to catch it. Sparrows fly better than I can run after them. Round & round the front room, into the kitchen, up and down the stairs with me chasing after it. Probably to The Benny Hill theme tune. Eventually, it landed on a window sill and I gently scooped it up, taking it outside, back to its birdie buddies. Off it flew without so much as a tweet of thanks. Ungrateful little git.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. The Final! Our remaining Fab Four would all be doing three dances each. One chosen by the judges that they wanted to see again, the Showdance and the couples' own favourite. Scores were for guidance only - this was the popularity contest of the year.

The night opened with the usual Journey VT, flashbacks, slo-mo sections and all that filler malarkey, then a purple pro dance. It looked like an explosion at The Cadbury Factory. The final pro dancers hoofed onto the floor, shaking their bits & pieces, then giant billboards with the celebs faces on - about 15 feet in the air - spun round to reveal them. All filmed in advance, of course. Four costume changes would have been madness.

On came Tess & Claudia who, for some reason, had come as the love child of Liberace & Evel Kenevil.

          

Who's The Daddy?

The judges came on, there was a bit of waffle and we were Off.

I'm not going to recap all the rambly bits, pre-training footage, chats with families, kids & grandparents and skriking We'd be here until next year's launch show if I kept all that it. You know what it would have been like and, besides, I didn't take notes.

Judges' Choice

Hamza & Jowita opened their campaign with the judges' pick of their Salsa (Sarrrrrrlsa if you're Anton & Craig) to Ecuador from week four. One of the ones I didn't blog on so I can't check back what his score was. It was the one with the big lifts, anyway. This time around Hamza was bigger, brighter, bolder, cheeky and flirty. Hamza's never had a problem with rhythm and musicality and this didn't change last night. He had bags of bounce, swags of swing, acres of energy and more salsa rolls than a branch of Chiquito's. He made the dance seem effortless, showcasing Jowita as well as himself, with loads of energy, sync and style. Then there were the crazy, crazy lifts - chucking Jowita about like she was a doll - higher, bigger and braver than before with added twizzly bits and spins. Crikey Blimey. A niggly Craig picked up on Hamza's flingy free arm and the pair scored 39 out of 40.

Molly & Carlos kicked off with their Quickstep to Love On Top by Beyonce which has earned then 32 out of 40 in week two. This time the tricky brollyography worked and this was a tighter, slicker outing of the number. Molly's frame was much improved - after a masterclass from Shirl - her top line steadier and her footwork cleaner. It was light and skippy, polished and tricky. Not a lot in hold, though and - for me - not a lot of the dancefloor was covered as you see in a conventional quickstep. The judges loved it, though, and a tiny bit of gapping dropped just one point, earning the pair 39 out of 40.

Fleur & Vito were up next with the Samba (Sarrrrmba) to Hot Hot Hot from week eight. Now, they'd scored 39 out of 40 last time out for this - and I did think the judges would have chosen one of her lower-scoring routines - so any improvement would be near microscopic. Dressed as The Very Hungry Caterpillar again, Fleur Proper Went For It. Her hips, rotation and isolation were better and her leg action  cleaner. She was sexier and freer, really putting full energy and performance into the routine, especially in her solo break section. It was technical, packed full of difficult content, changes of direction and speed. The pair were totally in sync and on beat. Craig was 'furious' he couldn't find anything wrong with it, and Shirley said she didn't have a paddle high enough. With Anton declaring it 'smoother than a Werther's Original' (other sweets are also available) the couple earned the first full house 40 out of 40.

Helen & Gorka closed Round One with their Jive to Tightrope from week seven (another non-blog week). Sharp and stylish in monochrome suits & hats, they started on the stairs and stage, moving almost as one. Helen has gained so much confidence during this series and, boy, it showed. She was slick, polished and precise with tight kicks, flicks and retraction. He weight was bang in the right place over her feet and her energy was higher. But by far the most improved was her attitude. She was sassy, cheeky, flirty and saucy. Every movement had little extra touches of flair and she eased through the routine's changes of jive style. A very healthy 39 out of 40 from the panel.

Showdance

All bets are off with a showdance. There are no rules or manuals and anything goes. So what did?

Hamza & Jowita wanted to show off his growth in the series (stop it) and picked his favourite style of dance with a Foxtrot-themed number to Let's Face The Music And Dance. This was a lovely, flowing, romantic dance in the classic Hollywood style. Unfortunately, Hamza made a fairly big error right at the beginning and it took him a while to put it right. Such a shame as this was a lyrical and graceful routine with spins, turns and changes of pace and direction that wouldn't have been out of place in La La Land. There were jump /catch lifts and an amazing, spinning overhead presse that went on for ages. Too many errors saw their score tumble and they got just 34 out of 40, Hamza apologising over and over for letting Jowita down.

Molly & Carlos pranced around to a medley of tunes by Prince. Starting off on a pair of Mick Jagger lips, the pair were weirdly dressed in black plastic with red rubber gloves. I suppose they were trying to shuck off Molly's cutesie girl next door image, but they just reminded me of Kim & Aggie from How Clean Is Your House.

                                 

Hmmm. Now, I know a lot of people will have loved this. It was technical, tricky and poppy. There was cane work, bits on the floor, solo sections and Molly had plenty of rhythm and bounce (she is, after all, a trained flipping dancer). She finally brought some of her own personality into the performance but it wasn't as fierce a routine as we'd been promised in the VT. The pair were out of sync on more than one occasion and there were timing issues. It all felt a bit flat and lacked polish & finesse. I'll be honest, I was expecting more. Wild overscoring by Motsie and 37 out of 40 was scored.

Fleur and Vito performed a Rumba / Paso / Argentine Tango mash up for their showdance to Find Me. Whoooooooo. This was powerful, intense, passionate and fiery from the first note to the last. Fleur had tons of attack, attitude, presence and drive in this dance which was sexy, sultry, steamy and almost Too Much for a pre-watershed slot. Fair steamed up my glasses, it did. There was drama, darkness, danger with Fleur coping brilliantly with very difficult choreography. She was tight, controlled, stylish with great ganchos, frame, shaping and poise. The pair were so involved they were sobbing and the end. Craig gave Vito very high praise indeed for the routine, which included a jumpy-in-the-air-clicky-kick thing Vito did that I didn't catch the name of. Impressive, though, earning the pair 39 out of 40.

Helen & Gorka shone in their showdance to Shine (see what I did there?). This was a sweet, light and floaty number, Helen looking pretty and feminine in a lovely, swirly dress. It was a joyful routine full of beautiful lines and moves, with changes of pace & direction, light and shade. Helen's feet were fab and her frame, top line and placing were all spot on. It was a frivolous dance - in a good way - that brightened the mood and lifted the spirits (vodka & lemonade, if you're buying, please). Unfortunately, there were some sticky bits getting into and out of the lifts and the couple got 37 out of 40.

Pairs' Pick

I'd normally call this Couple's Choice but, since most of the pairs were recapping their, well, Couple's Choice (Molly being the exception) that would have been a bit of an overkill. 

Hamza & Jowita finished their night to the routine they had done to Jerusalema. This was a decent dance the first time round. Last night it was so much more. Every move was full of joy and soul with an easy rhythm that was great to watch. The connection between the two was clear and they were totally in sync throughout. Hamza moved with style and grace, dancing with his whole body and spirit. It was light, flowing, smooth and sensational, moving and clean. More fantastic lifts ramped up the difficulty and the scores followed suit. With everyone emotional, including the judges, a fab full house 40 out of 40 was awarded. Let me tell you, if Hamza was a religion I'd be the first to sign up.

Molly & Carlos recapped their rumba to All The Man That I Need. Again, I am not a fan of the rumba and this one won't change my mind. It was more or less the same as the last time, just a little tighter and controlled. There were no extra bits or flourishes other couples seemed to have added to make it Stand Out More. It was technical, there were some tricky parts, balances and counter-balances and Molly showed more character, performance and delivery. Not one I'd have picked to end my run in Strictly, but they earned 39 out of 40.

Fleur & Vito, cleverly, had chosen their full house scoring Couple's Choice from Blackpool to a Destiny's Child megamix. No backing dancers this time meant the pair were front and centre in the routine, which had to be amended to a twosome. Full on Sasha Fierce, Fleur was, somehow, even better in this outing. With total sass, attitude, focus and determination Fleur owned the floor, in dance that was tight, polished, precise and slick. The couple were in sync for every single beat, dancing with flair (Fleur Flair) and attack. It was sooo good that even Craig & Motsi were joining in on the podium. What else could it score but 40 out of 40? Well, Shirley tried to give a 12,and who can blame her?

Helen & Gorka closed the show, and indeed the series, with a reprise of their sensational Couple's Choice to Mein Herr. Again, no backing dancers, but it was great as the spotlight was firmly on the pair. They went hell for leather this time, Helen really performing her heart out - sexier, bolder, bigger, with more attack, attitude and swagger. She controlled Gorka, fully out front and focussed, tongue in cheek and loving every minute. What a way to end the show and the series - as well as send a huge Eff You to her ex. Craig made a joke critique about her little finger - but said it was a 'dance that should win a final', sparking a thunderous ovation from everyone in the room and the celebs shouting Helen's name over  & over. 40 out of 40 on the scoreboard.

And that was that. All the couples had danced their three routines and had done everything they could to win the viewer votes. It was all a waiting game for the next half-hour or so. Imagine the nerves? No 'waiting until tomorrow' for the final The votes were being counted and verified while all the other gubbins was going on. Why can't they do that every week? It's not like we need it to be spread over the whole weekend.

Apparently, Florence & The Machine did some singing - with Flo belting it out like a whale in labour, as she does. Her poor neighbours. I have to turn the volume down when she comes on the radio. I think they can hear her on Alpha Centauri. In fact, that's what First Contact is going to be. Never mind little green men or ET, it'll be some peed off aliens coming down to tell her to put a flipping sock in it. I say 'apparently' - we fast forwarded that bit cos we'd paused it earlier while we had our curry. Perfect timing.

                         

Oi, Welch! Keep it down, we're trying to get the baby to sleep!

While we were waiting, the cast of 2022 came back and, for probably the first time, I remembered all of them. Kaye still can't dance, Richie reminded us he went too soon, Matt was more relaxed, Jayde had fun (sans nose boops, thankfully), James is still more wooden than Ikea, Ellie S was bubbly, Tony looked like a stunned mullet, Tyler shook his stuff, Ellie T was camper than Butlins, Kym was under the sheets and Will dad danced. All jolly good fun and more entertaining than, say, the news. Or Michael McIntyre. Although root canal surgery without anaesthetic is more fun that him.

Then it was finally time to announce the winner. With much more alacrity than usual, Tess told us that the Strictly Come Dancing Champions of 2022 were.....

HAMZA & JOWITA!

Probably not the biggest surprise in history. Hamza has been a firm favourite with the public since week one and he's a very good dancer. Even if he doesn't believe it himself. One big, hot, sobbing mess. And Hamza was tearful as well.

And that's that for another year, my friends. I don't blog the Christmas Special - and not just because I've been on the Bailey's since breakfast. There are fewer couples, cheesier routines that threaten my lactose intolerance and the winner is chosen by the captive audience. Plus I've only heard of a couple of the celebrities. No. I shall hang up my notebook until next year. Until then...

KEEP DANCING!

Championis! Championis!