YES I'm talking Strictly 2021, of course. The shadow of 2020 is past and we're back up to a full strength cast of 15 wannabe waltzers, struggling salsaers and can-do Charlestonistas. And, boy do we need the glitz, glamour and gurning to detract from Outside.
We know where we are with Strictly, don't we? It's like that mate who swans into your life bringing gossip, scandals, thrills and gin. The gin is very important. I have one to hand as we speak. Very nice it is too. I got it at the Gin Festival on Friday. Probably my favourite nights in the calendar. Plus we had a pizza the size of a tractor wheel to soak it all up. We didn't have pudding.
Bruno Tonioli has also quit - mainly due to the virus travel restrictions meaning he couldn't keep crossing the Atlantic twice a week. I bet Shirl is relieved. He'd have found a way to twazz her out of her chair even with the glass screens separating the Judges this year. I mean, his arms were so flingy he looked like one of those inflatable men outside garages. Don't. I thought you were better than that. I mean one of these:
Same colour as Bruno too...
Instead, we have the Cheesy Chin himself Tony Beak - aka Anton Du Beke - King of the Ballroon, smooth sashayer and writer ofClaudia and Tess are back with their awkward banter and 'what the bloody hell is she wearing' fashion choices. Dave Arch & his wunnerful orchestra, including Phill Jupitus lookey likie Trevor Barry on bass, will be providing the tunes and the singing crew will be back with the vocals.
Sorry, I couldn't find a decent photo of Trev, you'll just have to take my word for it.
So - this year's cast. A few 'who the...', a smattering of 'ooh, we liked them in...', a couple of soap folk (no clue), the Bubbly Larger Lady, an I'm Only A Sleb Cos My Dad Is Famous and the one that's more of a ringer than the entire lyrics of Oranges &Lemons. I'll leave you to work out which is which.
And so to the show...
Things kicked off with the pre-recorded black & white section featuring a wistful Gorka walking along to 1000 Miles, which isn't the Proclaimers follow-up single, apparently. Pops of yellow appeared, as did the rest of the pros, then cut to the studio for a few minutes of contempowaft lolloping about and ending with Karen flying off on digitally removed wires. A nice bit of scene setting.
And there was a REAL AUDIENCE! The atmosphere was massively improved as a result, crackling with energy. The pros & celebs looking genuinely thrilled to be performing for real, live people again. Tess was elegant in a lovely red outfit. Claudia looked like she'd just come in from walking the dog and still had its lead around her neck. She must have peed off someone in Wardrobe this week. Enter the Judges and away we went.
McFly Maestro & author Tom Fletcher & Amy opened the show with a choppy Cha Cha to September by Earth, Wind & Fire. Tom has some pretty big boots to fill after bandmate Harry Judd won the glitterball a few years ago. It was a good stab at a tricky dance which was fairly low on content as poor Tom was schlepping up & down the country on tour with McFly, dragging Amy along for the ride so they could get some rehearsal time in. Tom looked confident and there was certainly some swagger and he has got tons of rhythm and musicality (handy when you're in a band). He did some good check forward walks and syncopated Cuban breaks - no I don't know either, I just copied what Shirley said - but needed more action through the legs as there was a lack of hip action. Constructive criticism from the Judges, especially Anton who was actually really good at the job, advising Tom to work on his legs and and Craig telling him to learn spotting his turns. Overscored by Motsi, he earned 21 out of 40.
'Chef' I Got This Gig Cos Gordon's My Dad Tilly Ramsay & newbie Nikita came next with a whimsical Waltz to Consequences by Camilla Cabello. Nikita seems nice enough, a bit like an ironed Ken Doll replacement for AJ. His face looks permanently airbrushed. The VT of Tilly cooking him tea showed him in a ripped jumper that look liked he'd got it out of the dog's bed, but in reality probably cost more than I earn in a month. The dance itself seemed to take ages to get going but when it did it was nice. Tilly was obviously very nervous and looked a little uncomfortable, but she had beautiful arm extensions and a fairly decent frame. There was the requisite rise and fall, a fleckerl and heel lead turns but her shoulders were rising in some holds and she leaned forward a bit. It was sweet, romantic and light, leaving her mum in tears at the end. Another 21 out of 40 for Gordon's gal.
Former mauler of odd shaped balls, rugby pundit Ugo Monye & reigning champ Oti brought us a somewhat stodgy Samba to Iko Iko (My Bestie) by Justin Wellington ft Small Jam. Gives me the uncontrollable rage, this version. I mean ... why? The poor bloke had just come from his father's funeral and it must have been hard to paste on a smile and get down to the dance. His shocking pink outfit hid nothing - as pointed out by Shirl - and he seemed to struggle with the steps. He invented his own entirely new version of the volta, going the wrong way, he lacked rhythm and bounce and his hips were too stiff. He was visibly counting the steps and needed to relax but there's some promise, I think. Just 18 out of 40 scored.
CBBC presenter Ringer McRingerson - sorry, Rhys Stephenson & Nancy followed with a very nice Viennese waltz to End Of The Road by Boys II Men (Which I've always thought was a dodgy name but what do I know?). Theatre school training showed as he was elegant, smooth and controlled, leading Nancy well, cleaning the floor with her frock in the twizzer bit. There was lovely rise and fall and great footwork, fab frame and control, gliding over the floor smoothly. I was hoping he'd be less annoying than CBBC chum Karim but no. Leaping up & down like a loony at the scores, talking the hind leg off a donkey so much Claud had to cut him off mid-flow or we'd have been there till Wednesday. Still, it's Week One and he was excited, bless him. I'll give him another chance. I'd have been happy with the 27 out of 40 he earned.
Dragon's Den Doyenne Sara Davies & Aljâz came next with a clompy Cha Cha to The Boss by Diana Ross (get me and my fancy keyboard accents). Sara's been teaching her partner how to speak Geordie - canny & howay - but he's not quite Jimmy Nail yet. While she was clearly loving her time on the dancefloor, cheeky & flirty, dancing with enthusiasm, she did look a bit like your mum after a few Proseccos down at the Con Club. Between the bingo and Open The Box. Her hips were too stiff and lacked rotation, she plodded around on flat feet and lacked energy. Her timing was off and it was all a bit chunky & clunky. Her parents Frankensusan, sorry Frank & Susan, looked proud but she only scored 17 out of 40.
Lanky Brekkie Bloke Dan Walker & Nadiya took to the floor with a quirky Quickstep to Everybody Needs Somebody To Love by The Blues Brothers. People were expecting him to be the next Jeremy Vine, all gangly limbs and no hope. But they were wrong. Despite looking like Crazy Legs Crane in a suit, he did bloody well. He flew across the floor, practically covering every inch, fleet of foot with bags of energy in a very fast number. He kept looking at his feet and his hold was a bit too tight, but he was obviously enjoying himself, singing along and not even a wee wobble in the corner fazed him. A good start to his Strictly campaign earning him 24 out of 40.
Peep Show person, actor, writer & comedian Robert Webb & Diane brought us another Cha Cha to Rasputin by Boney M. I still can't listen to Flashdance's What A Feeling without thinking of Rob's frankly hysterical routine on Let's Dance For Comic Relief in 2009. Seriously, if you haven't seen it, give it a Google for a giggle.
Oh. My. Word. Dressed in a gold & red outfit straight out of Anton's wardrobe Strictly Ballroom, he looked like the wallpaper in a 70s Chinese restaurant. It was BONKERS! Robert really put his heart & soul into the dance, throwing his all into it. He bounced around the floor like a Labrador puppy needing a wee. His hips were good, lots of rotation and he has tons of energy and enthusiasm - not bad seeing as he recently had heart surgery! He was a bit gurny, pulling his face and mugging at the camera - but this dance called for that. It wasn't flawless - his feet & legs were in a different time zone to the rest of him and he got a bit too giddy in parts. It was a bit stop-start and he nearly fell over on his spins but I, for one, had a big smile on my face watching it - just what the doctor ordered. Even Craig was in stitches. I think he'll be in for a while - despite Diane saying 'it's not that you have no musicality, you just hear things in the music that aren't there'. With that ringing endorsement he scored just 20 out of 40.
Mr Emma Thompson Greg Wise & Karen started off their run with a sticky American Smooth to That's Life by Frank Sinatra. With Dame Emma watching (and constantly leaning into shot behind Craig) this was more Hollywood, Birmingham than Hollywood, LA. With his 'smell the fart' face he clomped around the floor like a dad at his daughter's wedding. Props to him for having props - and Karen as a partner - but he had spaghetti arms and not much musicality. The Viennese bits were sloppy, with Greg bobbing up and down like Skippy on a space hopper. He was on the wrong side of Karen's body, had poor footwork and went wrong in a couple of places in a dance that didn't have much content to start with. Lots to work on. Despite all this - and hitting a member of the audience when he chucked his cane - he manged to score higher than Rose and Robert, getting 24 out of 40 with a far too generous 7 from Tony.
Goodness Gracious Me, it's only Nina Wadia & The Spare Ginger Neil with a smashing Samba to Mi Gente by J Balvin, Willy William ft Beyonce (which took longer to type than the dance lasted). This wasn't your usual Bollywood meets Brazil 'pat the dog, screw in the lighbulb' choreo. Oh, no siree Bob. Nina was sassy, fiery and fierce in a routine with difficult content and trick steps. She'd obviously put the work in and seemed to have a fab time bringing the party atmosphere to the ballroom, flinging her hair round like a good un. There was lots of change of rhythm and pace and she had great feet and legs. It got a bit flat and clompy towards the end as her stamina flagged, her shoulder starting to rise a bit but all in all a good first outing. And yet she scored the same as Greg, with 24 out of 40. Go figure.
Bake Off champ, chef & all round nice bloke John Whaite & Johannes gave us the second Tango to Blue Monday by New Order. Strictly totters into the 21st Century with its first all-male pairing. Probably when they realised the world didn't spin off its axis with Nicola / Katya's curtailed partnership last year. Mind you, both John & Johannes are gay so that's a little bit different. I'm just waiting for the knuckle-dragging, IQ deficient, gammon chewing <insert VERY rude swear word here> to start the nasty comments. Not on here though, people. I will have no truck with that kind of behaviour.
What can I say? It was incredible. The chemistry between the two smouldered in this powerful number. Both dressed in black, like two Bonds in a deathmatch, they stormed it. John was strong & fearless, with loads of attack and intent, fierce and focussed. It felt...dangerous somehow. His feet were exquisite (which I wrote before Shirley said it), his frame strong and masterful, he was on point, on beat, classy and controlled. A very impressive start which earned the pair a cracking 30 out of 40, with 8s from Shirley & Anton, reducing Johannes to tears, and Craig's only criticism was John's sticky up thumb.
Funny female & Loose Women presenter (look, nobody's perfect) Judi Love & 'Greasy Arnold' Graziano gave us another American Smooth to Chain of Fools by Aretha Franklin - which my spellcheck always tries to autocorrect to urethra. Starting with Graz working as a waiter in a cocktail bar - I played spot the gin with one of my favourites Whitley Neill rhubarb & ginger being on prominent display - Judi showed some promise in her first outing. She was good in and out of hold, and there was real chemistry between the pair, despite Graziano wearing more hair gel and eye liner than an entire 80s boyband. She was classy, flirty, smooth and controlled and, although her frame needs a little work, I think she'll be with us for a while. Another 24 out of 40 from the panel - and not quite the dis-ars-ter everyone was expecting.
Presenter of programmes I've never seen and proper northern bird AJ Odudu & newcomer Kai did a cracking Jive to Gold Dust by DJ Fresh. Kai has disconcertingly white teeth and looks like the love child of a Poundshop Luke Evans and Jason Manford. But, he was world champion at 15 so obviously knows his stuff. This was jaw-droppingly good. Jay & Aliona who? It was fast and frenetic, but not frantic, sharp kicks, flicks and retraction, AJ had her weight properly over her feet, showing class, musicality and flair. It was slick, stylish and showy. AJ has terrific musicality and rhythm, the side by side sequences in near perfect sync. Her energy never flagged and she enjoyed every single one of the 90 seconds she was out there. The live feed to her family back home failed like every Zoom meeting I've ever been in (you're on mute, I think it's frozen, can you hear me?) but her parents were shining with pride - her mum apparently having Craig in a headlock for the entire dance. AJ scored an astonishing first week 34 out of 40, with 9s from Anton & Shirley.
Kai & Ross share the same dentist
Olympic Champion Merman Adam Peaty & Katya closed the show with a cheeky Cha Cha to Beggin' by Maneskin. It was a first to see Adam wearing more than a pair of budgie-smugglers but somehow that made him more eye-catching. His bottom looked like he was trying to hide two watermelons in his kecks (what? He has great glutes and I'm a menopausal woman, for crying out loud). Who knew our aquatic athlete had such skill on dry land? He moved like an oiled snake, oozing confidence with fantastic hip rotation, straight legs, flashy footwork and powerful energy. There was great shaping too - I'm looking forward to seeing him do a paso if he stays in long enough. He saved Katya from falling over in the under-the-leg pot-stirrer without dropping a beat, showing great control and stamina. Colour me impressed. A very decent 30 out of 40 for Adam.
And that was that. AJ was top of the leaderboard, Sara was propping everyone up. And the best bit? Nobody has to pretend it's Sunday this week! That's right. There is NO elimination in this first show and the scores will rolled over to next week, so the positions could get flipped on their heads. Or so Claudia told us about fifty thousand times - although I do know some who still tried to vote online and was confuddled as to why the site wasn't working. What can you do, eh?
Week One is done. The first night nerves are out of the way and there's a whole slew of new dances to learn. The pressure is on next week, though. So, until then....
KEEP DANCING!!!!
What the cast looked like to me after a few...
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