I'm not a fan of shopping. To say I dislike shopping is like saying the Atlantic is a bit damp. I also hate shoes, shopping and chocolate cake. It's probably why my husband married me. I save us a fortune. But, sometimes, shopping is a necessity. Like when you need food and toilet paper and essentials like wine.
So, this morning, we found ourselves heading to the local town centre. Brunch had been promised. Unfortunately, the world and his hamster also appeared to have had the same idea. The centre was rammed. Parking, especially, was going to be tricky.
HOTH (husband of the house) drove round and round the upstairs car park looking for that Holy Grail empty space. Things were starting to look grim. Brunch was starting to look like a forlorn hope. Then - suddenly - a miracle!!! A guy wandering back to his car, laden with bags, ready to go home. Hoorah!! HOTH flicked on the indicator to stake our claim to the soon-to-be-free slot.
Shopping guy turned and saw us waiting - faces aglow with the anticipation of tasty goodies. A smug, knowing look came over his face. He opened his car boot....and proceeded to put items in ONE THING AT A BLOODY TIME. One loaf....pause....one more loaf....pause....look round and smirk at us.....one tin of beans....AAAARRRGGGHHH. The swine was enjoying this, holding all the cards, the power of the parking space. We sat for several minutes as he continued his little game, open mouthed at his brazenness, his sheer bloody-mindedness. The smirk was becomin infuriating. My palms were getting itchy and the 'inventive swear-word and name-calling' part of my brain started to warm up.
'Screw this', said HOTH - having had enough of the mind games and Mr Smuggy McSmug's antics (and being fully aware of both my short fuse and propensity for violent thoughts) 'Let's just go to the downstairs one'.
We drove past Smuggy, leaving him to his petty little antics. WE had the upper hand now. No longer beholden to his behaviour we drove downstairs and practically straight into a waiting space, parked and skipped (well, strolled) off for a very well deserved and sumptuous brunch. The Eggs Benedict was divine, by the way.
Now, I'm not a vindictive person. No - honestly, I'm not, I don't care what you've heard. BUT...Mr Smuggy McSmug...because of your crappy behaviour this morning, I really hope that one day you get two flat tyres. In the pouring rain. And you suddenly develop really itchy piles in public. Or explosive diarrhoea in a really, really long traffic jam.
It wouldn't have cost you anything to just put your bags in your boot quickly and let us park. It would have been quite a nice, friendly thing to do. But no, that wasn't in your plans for today was it? Taking a little bit of time to pack is fine - but the one bag at a time while smugly smirking, letting us know this was deliberate is another. That was just mean. Yes, we did find a parking space and got to eat, which is why I'm letting you off lightly. But be warned, if it happens again I'll be out of the car & chucking your shopping in your boot like I'm bowling for England. I won't even care if your French Fancies end up squashed under your Fray Bentos pies (other tinned pies are available). NO-ONE gets between me and my weekend brunch! Consider yourself warned!
In other news, the Strictly Come Dancing pair off is on tonight.....only a couple of weeks till my musings and gentle abusings begins!