I Like To Movie It, Movie It

Well hello again, dance fans. Willkommen, bienvenue and welcome to Strictly Movie Week 2021. Have you got your choc ice & tub of Kia Ora ready? I hope you haven't shelled out a second mortgage on popcorn, a hot dog and 42 litres of a soft drink that is more soda than syrup? You could have got all that down the Pound Shop and smuggled it in in your mum's handbag. True story, Mum handbags make Mary Poppins' effort look like a coin purse. Trust me, I have one. Need a tissue? Here you go. Lip balm? No problem. First Aid plaster? Of course. Intercontinental Ballistic Missile? Just a sec, I'm sure it was in here somewhere - ah, here you go. It was behind the Chieftan Tank.

My Saturday Strictly night is also much improved since my delivery this week of Pure Heavenly Chocolate. Again, I want to make it absolutely clear that I am receiving NO recompense for the mention in any way - either monetary or in kind - and I'm not being sponsored. I just think it's a great company that more people should know about. Their chocolate is dairy free, gluten free, palm oil free, vegan friendly AND less than 1% sugar. They also have suppliers who pay the farmers well, have a training academy and help coca leaf farmers (used for cocaine) move over into cocoa farming. Which is pretty blimming good in my book.

If this wasn't enough, the chocolate tastes absolutely AMAZING - and I wouldn't say this if it didn't. Loads of variety of flavours, milk & dark, a new white chocolate bar and seasonal specials like this month's Pumpkin Spice. HOTH says it's the best pumpkin spiced anything he's ever had and I tend to agree. Pure Heavenly chocolate tastes like chocolate with no chemically aftertaste or resembling the Advent Calendars we used to have in the 70s which tasted suspiciously like Bob Martin's doggy drops (the chocolate kind, of course). I'm a total convert. You don't have to take my word for it. Check it out for yourselves.

WELL - enough about the delicious and onto the dancing. First of all - Tom & Amy are back! Fully recovered and suitably quarantined, it's safe for them to dip their toes back into the action. I'm pretty relieved because it would have been such a shame after a very short showing and I think the pair have potential for the long haul.

PLUS -  It's Movie Night and we know how special THAT usually is. Songs that have either been used every Movie Night since time began with a couple of tweaks, or music that was played over the end credits when you were long gone for the night bus home. Unless it was a Marvel film. Everybody knows the Rules that you stay in your seat until they close the place to make sure you see the mid- and end-credit teasers. I got that Pavlovian about it I sat through all the credits for Midsummer Murders and all the ads until I came to my senses.

So, did our dancers take us to Tinseltown - or was it more  a dystopian dis-ar-ster dahling? Come with me, and you'll see, a world of pure abomination. Wait. That's not right. Some of them might actually have been good. Right, turn your phones on silent, finish your conversations and let the curtain rise for Strictly At The Movies. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba baaaaa (Pearl & Dean music, I can't add sound on this thing).

Our opening short was a pro dance, where we were all invited to one of Johannes' balls (not this early, surely?). A fabulous Viennese Waltz meets madrigal affair with Johannes & Kai taking centre stage. Incredibly fast turns & spins, flying across the floor to an instrumental version of Glass Heart. It was joyful and free, setting the scene perfectly for the rest of the night (or building our expectations, depending on how you look at it). The ladies were in beautiful black and grey flowing dresses, so elegant and refined. I'd love to wear something like that myself, but I'd look more like one of those toilet roll dollies your gran had.

All done, Tess & Claudia came onto the stage. Tess looking something like a Milka Bar in lilac, Claudia resembling a sparkly liquorice stick. But, like posher. Enter judges, enter cast - in amazing hair, make up and costumes. They certainly earned their choccy Hobnobs this week. I don't know what they were serving in the Green Room but everyone super-hyped and in splendid mood. Which is pretty good, seeing as they were there to entertain us. Then it was lights, camera, action and on with our feature presentation.

Judi & Graziano were the overture with a  Charleston to When You're Good To Mama by Queen Latifah from Chicago - the musical, not the place, obviously. Queen L is a New Joisey girl. As Charlestons go - or Charlie-Stone as Graz calls it, it wasn't the most technical or content-packed one we've seen. There were good bits - Graziano had forgotten his cossie and come out in just his vest & pants, Judi aced the character and played it with her usual sass & sex-bomb gusto. The side-by-side steps were pretty much in sync and Graz's leap over Judi's shoulders - an assisted jete according to Craig - was pretty impressive. There was some weird choreo with his braces - the kind that kept his pants up, not the teeth straightening kind, that would have been weird - which took up time that could have been put to better steps use. There were a couple of familiar moves but it lacked the basics and grass roots of a Charleston. Judi's right foot looked nailed to the floor with no swivel and it was all a bit flat & lumpy. Not her best dance, but a least she has fun. 24 out of 40 scored.

Sean Paul himself popped up to tell the pair his phone 'blew up' last week with folk messaging to tell him about their dance and the singers giving it large on his song. Graziano's jaw was on the floor and Judi was just as gobsmacked. I bet he never tunes into Loose Women to check her out.

Famous Fox Family female Emilia popped up to tell us the Terms & Conditions. Thank goodness it wasn't their Laurence. Once you get him started talking about voting you can't shut him up.

Dan & Nadiya followed with a Foxtrot to Once Upon A Dream from Sleeping Beauty. Our Dan's role in this number was The Prince. I would have loved it if Wardrobe hadn't got the memo and sent him out as The Purple One. As it happens, he looked more like a Harrod's doorman as he struggled through this sorry affair. Oh, Dan. What happened? From the start he looked nervous, stiff and uncomfortable. The concentration on his face was very obvious and he barely smiled through the whole thing. There were some good points - his frame and posture are improving and the side-by-side Fosse bit was nice. However, his feet still need work and he flings his free arm about like he's trying to flag a bus. And then The Mistake happened. A pretty fundamental error which completely threw him and he had to stop, take a second and start again to get back on step. He was absolutely gutted and upset that he had let Nadiya down. As if that wasn't enough, Tess forgot to go to Shirley for her comments. That won't have gone down well. Wait till we see Tess' outfit next week, she'll come out in a bin bag or dressed like Where's Wally, you mark my words. Dan scored 21 out of 40 - with Shirl giving an unfathomable 7 for 'being able to restart himself'. What the what? I thought you were supposed to take points off for mistakes?

Sara & Aljaz were up next with a Samba to Best Years Of Out Lives by Modern Romance from Shrek. Word on t'internet is that nobody remembers this song in the film. That's because it was in the end credits. What did I tell you? You have to stick around. We were treated to a giant CGI frog setting the scene then out they came, fully dressed up as Shrek and Princess Fiona, including a padded belly for Aljaz. Well, well, well this was no bog standard Samba, let me tell you. Sara had been to an acting coach and actually played a character, played it up in fact. She had loads of fun with this routine which was very silly, bouncy and fun. There was bags of shimmy and hip action - although not perfect rotation. Sara did the donkey work while Aljaz got his maracas out and gave them a good shake in Craig's face. Really well choreographed to Sara's strengths, there was lots of energy and enthusiasm. great timing and a decent samba roll. It got a little flat-footed and clumpy towards the end, but there was no danger of them dragon it out. 28 out of 40, including a 7 from Shirley. Really, Shirl? An error free outing scores the same as Dan? Hmmm. Chinny reckon.

AJ & Kai  brought us an American Smooth to I Who Have Nothing by Whitney Houston from The Bodyguard. AJ is amazing. She acted the role well, looking very vulnerable and fragile, yet strong in places - beautiful layers of light and shade throughout the dance. It was breath-taking. AJ had a great frame throughout and her posture in and out of hold was excellent. Her flow and fluidity across the floor was sublime in a dance that had loads of tricky content. The lifts were gorgeous, including a leap into Kai's arms, and AJ's dismounts from them was spot on. There was a real, proper fleckerl (not the cheat ones we usually see) and a tremendous moving and poignant feel to the routine, including the famous Bodyguard carry at the end. This is a pair with promise. He is a great choreographer and teacher, she has wonderful timing & musicality, despite never having danced before. Craig was so enthralled with AJ he told her that if she'd started dancing earlier she'd have made a top pro dancer. High praise indeed. Houston, we don't have a problem with this couple. 35 out of 40. Huge credit to singer Andrea, too, for managing to belt out what is one of Whitney's most famous songs.

Robert & Dianne were up next with a Quickstep to The Muppet Show Theme. While some viewers thought Tommy & the gang were belting out the lyrics, they actually used the actual tv show theme recording. Imagine poor Jamie having to switch between all the characters in 90 seconds? So. Robert. Dressing someone as a frog so they can dance - and see - must be difficult. The Wardrobe crew struggled a bit with this and sent Robert out in what looked like a kid's cycle helmet and drawn on smiley face.

Not to worry, Dianne's Miss Piggy mask was terrifying very well done. So much so I can't even find a decent pic. You'll have to find a photo online We all know Robert can nail any character thrown at him - he's an actor after all - but this dance didn't really do him any favours. There was nothing wrong with the idea, it was just overshadowed by the costumes - unlike Sara earlier. This wasn't the quickest of quicksteps, and there wasn't a massive amount of content. The Charlie-Stone section was good fun - I can't wait to see the proper one if Robert stays in - and there were some tricky steps in there. Robert's framing is improving, as is his posture and shaping, and he was light on his feet. Unfortunately, there were a couple of errors and his footwork got a bit Fozzie round the edges. By the end his stamina had Gonzo he was flagging. Amphibian when I say it was good. His shoulders were jerky and he lost timing and synchronicity, losing him points. 25 out of 40 this week - with Shirley pulling the 7 paddle again.

Hot on the heels of this was another Muppet, Greg accompanying Karen in a Paso Dole to The James Bond Theme. Apparently, it's a role he has dreamed of playing and really tried to get into character. Unfortunately, Greg was less James Bond than Russ Abbott's hapless spy Basildon Bond

But what do I know? I think Daniel Craig is a dead ringer for Carry On Star Sid James

   

    

                                                    SID                                               DANIEL

See, you can't unsee it now, can you? 

Okay, I've been putting it off long enough. The dance. This was a paso I'd rather pass over. Done up like the Milk Tray man, Greg was wearing his best I need a poo 'luvvie' face as he clomped around the floor. It started off with some pointless Skidoo shenanigans. Why are they called Skidoos anyway? I'd prefer a Skidon't! Time wasted, Greg walked around the floor like he was bored in Ikea, stiff, ploddy and soulless. In hold, his hands were splayed like a bunch of bananas and his flamenco sequence looked like he was drying his nail polish. It was an Oddjob of a dance with every Blofeld (warning - do NOT Spoonerise those names in polite company). There was no drive, attack, passion or intent. His shaping - what there was of it - was weak and loose and he had no proper core. M sure I don't have to tell you there was no Q for congratulations at the end. Anton summed it up perfectly when he said Greg has a decent frame and top line but his 'bottom half was trailing behind because it has to otherwise you'd fall over'. Which Greg did NOT like. He really doesn't take criticism - constructive or otherwise - well AT ALL. He had a face like a slapped kipper after the judges' comments and was reticent in the Clauditorium. He scored 26 out of 40 thanks to another 7 from Shirl. HOTH and I briefly toyed with the Shirley Shows A Seven drinking game but quickly realised our livers weren't up for it.

Tilly & Nikita did their best to revive the night with a Jive to Nicest Kids In Town from Hairspray. This is one of my favourite feel good films and I'd love to see the stage musical. It's just joy throughout. Tilly flew into the action in a giant, fire-spitting can of hairspray. Which, sadly, was the most exciting part of the dance. After last week's triumph, Tilly tottered. It was a tricky dance, with lots of tricky steps, but maybe it was too much for her? There was no way to Turnblad the clock, though, and she tried her best. She played the character well, but she struggled. Her kicks & flicks weren't sharp enough and the retraction was floppy. Her upper half was much too stiff and tight, probably due to her obvious nerves and her weight was too far back to get the proper jive action she needed. The whole thing was stompy & flat-footed, with Nikita over-performing to compensate. She made mistakes and dropped moves and, while trying to re-Tracy her steps, didn't quite pull it off. It looked like she'd rather be in a curry house having a Baltimore than dancing. Shirl whirled out the 7 again (maybe she'd lost the rest of the paddles), praising her click ball changes - which apparently are nothing to do with a computer mouse - and Tilly scored 27 out of 40.

Rose & Giovanni reset our switches with Foxtrot to Rose's Theme by James Horner from Titanic - or, the Celine Dion song without the vocals. I bet Andrea was bloody glad about that. I was too, as I can only hear 'I know that the hotdogs go on' when Celine belts it out. This was Rose's first ballroom dance and she was nervous about it, as the hold meant she couldn't see Gio to lip read. She shouldn't have worried. This was a beautiful dance. There was constant changes of pace and head position, which Rose coped with like she'd been born to do it. Full of content - and difficult stuff at that, including some tricky spins and heel turns - Rose was light and fluid, gliding across the floor in near perfect position and poise. This was a gentle, flowing and stripped back to basics foxtrot with no unnecessary faffing about or pseudo contempo-waft (I think I just made that up). Rose had exquisite timing and footwork, her frame was lovely in a magical, moving, marvellous routine. Motsi was in tears and Craig's only comment was a signed 'A-MA-ZING'. Gio is loving his time with Rose, saying it's like dancing with a pro and to learn the steps Rose really follows his body. Some girls have all the luck. A whopping 36 out of 40.

Ugo & Oti took to the floor with a Couple's Choice to You're Welcome by Dwayne Johnson from Moana. Half-dressed in grass skirt and Diana Ross' missing wig, Ugo flexed his pecs and got us all going with a frivolous, fun routine. He showed his more fun, playful side, as well as his athleticism - chucking Oti up in a difficult twist & catch throw, a handspring, heel clicks and a diving forward roll. Oti never holds back with her partners and this was no exception. This was complicated choreo, the dance full of content which really got the crowd going. There was everything but the kitchen sink in there. Ugo Disney mind, though and has started to perform better, with an improving frame and timing. Now he needs to start working on making a dance flow, rather than it looking like he's putting it together piece by piece, like Meccano. His infectious smile made Maui-eek and the judges enjoyed it, too. 31 out of 40 scored.

Ugo Rocks the sea god look

Tom & Amy were back in the fold with a Jive to Johnny B Goode by Chuck Berry from Back To The Future - and thank flux for that. Starting solo with a guitar prop - which isn't easy to work with - Tom hit the floor running with a dance packed with the good stuff. His musicality is obvious as he attacked the dance, bringing sharp kicks & flicks, good height in the legs and a neat retraction. The dance was really high energy, high octane stuff that was slick, clean and sharp. Tom stayed in sync with Amy, showing good posture, hand placing and balance - his weight properly forward to give the required jive action. It wasn't perfect - he's a little too tight in hold, still, and he needs to relax more to really shine. His stamina flagged towards the end, but that's understandable after his illness & tour. A couple of errors made the judges Doc a few points, but that didn't Marty much as we saw him McFly up the leader-board with 32 out of 40.

Adam & Katya brought us this year's first Rumba to I See You by Leona Lewis from Avatar. Now, if you've read my earlier blogs, you'll know I'm not a fan of the rumba. I'm assured by people who actually know about this stuff that it's a wonderful dance, the dance of love. I'm not feeling it. It's all walk-walk-wiggle-wiggle-pout-pout-wave, rinse & repeat to me. And Adam's outing didn't change mind, I'm afraid. Painted blue head to toe, like a hench Smurf, Adam looked uncomfortable and out of his depth. The CGI planet around the pair was more lively. His 'serious' face - even under a load of prosthetics - was distracting. Even more so than his physique, which is some going. He had some nice lines in parts and he arms were expressive. His core was very strong and his frame good, but his hips lacked and his leg-work...well, didn't. This was one Pandora's box I wish hadn't been opened. Adam was more Navvy than Na'Vi and he didn't have the proper drive. Nobody knew when it ended and it seemed to go on longer than the film. It was risky doing a rumba in week three because it's bloody difficult for male pros. Let's hope Katya's 'let's get this out of the way early' gambit paid off, because the pair only scored 20 out of 40. 

Who let the dogs out? Well it was Katie & Gorka with an American Smooth to Cruella De Vil by Mel Leven from Disney's Cruella (although it was in the original as well). It says a lot that, looking at my drunken scribbles notes from Saturday that I didn't actually write much about this. The best thing about this was the costumes, if you can forgive the Island of Dr Moreau man-dog hybrid that was Gorka, complete with tail. While I appreciate they couldn't have gone quite this far pre-watershed, I think Gorks got the rotten end of the deal, outfit wise.

More meh than menacing, Katie stomped, clomped and plodded through the dance like a petulant teenager. Her elbows were rising and falling, her shoulders were hunched and she lacked timing, poise and posture. Gorka gamely upped his performance to compensate, but there was no saving this puppy. Katie was doggedly going through the motions, out-acted by her wig. She struggled in hold and...look, I'll say it...there doesn't seem to be any chemistry between her and Gorka. Gemma has nowt to worry about re the 'Strictly Curse'. I've seen more connection in a dropped box of Lego. This was mutt-ch ado about nothing and the judges seemed to concur. Motsi overmarked with a 7 and Katie ended up with 24 out of 40.

 

Our penultimate pair was Rhys & Nancy with a Couple's Choice to The Main Theme From Spiderman. Or, as been sung since time immemorial, 'Spider Man, Spider Man, lost his knickers in a frying pan'. Surely Robert Webb should have danced to the Spiderman theme tune? Missed a trick there. For the uninitiated, Rhys was portraying Miles Morales from Into The Spiderverse, which is why he wasn't in the familiar red & blue Lycra number. I could bore you for hours with all things Marvel / DC / Superhero but we haven't got long and my wrists are getting cramp. Suffice to say, Spiderverse is a REALLY good film and you should check it out. I've been a bit mean about Rhys thus far but, credit where it's well and truly due, this was a great dance. Of course he was going to do Street Commercial but, blimey, he did it well. He dialled down the frantic over-dancing of previous weeks (maybe he got the call from Alpha Centauri, after all) and relaxed into what is obviously his favourite style. He was performing with Nancy this week, showy rather than show-offy, slick, stylish, polished. My spidey senses were tingling as he moved across the floor with tight, technical steps, HUGE jumps and leaps, really throwing himself into the routine. I properly enjoyed it, and I wasn't the only one - Motsi whipped out her 10 paddle and Rhys scored 37 out of 40. He didn't quite manage to tone it all down - he nearly wiped poor Nancy out going upstairs and leapt about like a frog on a hot plate when the VT from his church came on. Still looking like it had been filmed through a teenager's favourite sock. Honestly, my old Nokia had a better camera. Sort it out Auntie Beeb!

John & Johannes brought down the curtain - and the house - with a Paso Doble to He's A Pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean. Shiver me timbers and splice me mainbrace. Whoa, Nelly. Where has Mr Whaite been hiding THIS talent? What a way to end the night. Full on Johnny Depp Jack Sparrow, complete with guy-liner and dreads, John powered through this dance. He covered the floor effortlessly, in total command and character. John & Johannes effortlessly switched roles and the lead and were so in sync in the side-by-side steps it was like watching one person. They even had the same height in the jumps. He was masterful and strong, bringing loads of attack, intent, power and passion. There was drive, drama and danger, sensational shaping, pinpoint poise and purpose. Gone was smiley, jokey John Waite, replaced by a whirling dervish of testosterone. Fleet feet, flamenco steps (Greg, take note. No, you know what, don't bother, you will never beat this). There was snarling, menace, storytelling...I'm running out of superlatives. I had to watch it all over again today. The dance of the series so far - and one of the best pasos I've seen on Strictly. Craig was too engrossed to write anything down, Motsi & Shirley were quite overcome. An outstanding performance from Double J - and a very well deserved 39 out of 40!!!

A pearl of a dance from John & Johannes

And so it was time to make our way back down the aisles, standing in sticky spilled popcorn and soft-drink slicks, blinking blearily in the light to await Judgement Day. Or 'Sunday' as they would have us believe. No point hanging around after the credits this time - it was only Blankety Blank with Bradley Walsh and his band of Z listers. But what was the overall outcome? Well:

John was this week's Oscar Nominee for Best Boogie.

Adam was in the running for a Razzie for Worst Wiggle.

Would that all change after the Viewer Vote. Well, yes, probably. It's not like we haven't been here before. It's like Deja View.

HOTH & I settled back to watch Only Murders In The Building - a fab show with Steve Martin and Martin Short looking old (because they are) and a youthful Selena Gomez. No spoilers, but it's a jolly romp. The slivovitz - Croation plum brandy - stayed in the bottle, which is a good thing because we had places to be in the morning.

*

Right, do me a favour and imagine that quick frame sunset / night / sunrise bit from any vampire film you've ever seen ever. The more shonky visuals the better. Cool, thanks. 

TA DA!!!!!!

And then we were at the Sunday Matinee. Or the late showing, depending on how to choose to look at it. Showdown. The Moment We've Been Waiting For. Our High Noon. Whatever. The night we find out who got Das Boot.

The pro dance was a kind of teen bopperery Cuban Latinx dance to music from In The Heights film by Lin-Manuel Miranda. Must see that, because Hamilton was an excellent musical. HOTH poured the slivovitz while the recap one was. Wow. I won't need my eyebrows waxing for a while! That warmed me cockles, alright.

Molasses Mouth Tess took her tedious time trying to tighten the tension again, announcing the safe couples at about the same speed as a tortoise on a go slow. But only four couples were cleared before we had a break.

Up in the Clauditorium, we had a very brief chat with the Safe Squad - Rhys saying he'd had his juice and his blood sugar levels were back up. Up? Criminy, I'd hate to see him properly hyped up. He'd be like that 

Back down to Tess and we got more of the thumpety thump drums for what seemed like an aeon before we finally found out that

JUDI was in the dance off.

I have to admit, I'm a little surprised. It wasn't her best week, but she seemed to be popular. Maybe she fell foul of the 'I won't vote for her because loads of others will and she'll be safe' thinking from the viewers?  We may never know. Well, we would if we could be bothered searching it out.

The Chatterpillar flowed again. We found out Ugo and Tilly are neighbours, chatting over walkie-talkies, Tom's kids are better dancers than him, John's taxi driver asked him to give mum Sandra a wave and Greg said something or other. I tuned out a minute there - apart from the bit where Karen had punched him hard enough to garner an audible 'ouch'. Imagine what she'd do if she was displeased with him?

US singing star and actor Ben Platt (no, me either - I thought that was Gail & Martin's youngest) warbled his way through You Will Be Found from Dear Evan Jansen while the pros wiggled their jiggly bits across the dance floor. What the bloody hell was he wearing? Part romper suit, part PJs, part Alcatraz prison boiler suit, in a very unflattering shade of grey. Lots the bendy over poo on the floor stances, and looking a bit like a startled mole, he belted his little lungs out despite a London Pea Souper Fog of dry ice covering the floor. It's not sold me the movie though. I'll wait till in comes out in Blockbusters.

Cut to the judges' bit while they rehashed what they'd already said. Shirley looked like she was off for a stint as a bouncer and we got a view of Dave Arch doing his stuff as maestro and keyboard player behind the scenes.

And back we were for a real-time re-enactment of the 100 Years' War in slow motion as Tess ticked off the troupers who would return next week. Just as the nerves of the remaining celebrities and partners had reached snapping point, it was revealed that the second couple in the dance off was

KATIE

Again, no great surprise. She was in the dance off last week, remember. Low on the leader-board and not the best partnership with Gorka. I've seen more chemistry in my toilet after a night on Guinness and kebabs.

HOTH & I wondered if Gordon Ramsay makes all his employees vote for Tilly on pain of losing their jobs, but that's unfair. She's very sweet (Tilly Scrumptious) and is loving her time on Strictly. Sara has been taking Aljaz on the school run - lucky mums. I bet they've stopped rocking up in their PJs and curlers and take three and a half hours on their hair and make-up before taking little Archibald and Persephone to Montessori school. Cos I don't reckon Sara's sprogs are down the local comp smoking behind the bike sheds, do you?

Howay we go to the dance off. Both ladies had scored 24 so there wasn't cigarette paper between them. Both couples returned to the floor, dancing to save their spot, vying for the judges' votes.

Judi got her right foot in gear and upped the energy a bit - turning out a bit more pizzazz.

Katie was a bit more in character but it still felt a bit flat - and there were a couple of errors again.

But, it was up to the judges, who know more about this dancing lark than I do.

KATIE WAS ELIMINATED! Another split decision with Anton obviously feeling sorry for her and Shirley donning her Head Judge hat for the casting vote. It's back to the hallowed halls of Hollyoaks for Katie and Gorka gets to spend more quality time with Gemma and daughter Mia, who is cuter then a baby bunny's belly button.

And so it's unlucky for some thirteen couples returning next week - well, unlucky for whoever gets voted off next week, anyway.

Sadly, I won't be here next week. What do you mean, hooray?! Cheek of it! Anyway, I am going to be spending a most jolly time with my chums getting trollied watching some comedic entertainment in the guise of Miss Katherine Ryan and having a small sweet sherry. I therefore won't be watching on the night and won't have time to catch up the next day and then write this thing. It takes time you know. You'll just have to fend for yourselves.

So, until the next time we meet...............

KEEP DANCING!!!!

NO WAITY FOR KATIE - TTFN CHUCK

 

One Ringer To Rule Them All

 

Hello again, my Charleston Chums, Paso Pals & Foxtrot Friends. How are we all? Had a good week? October has arrived and we're at the turning of the season. Coffee shops will be flogging premium priced, pumpkin spiced lattes, the leaves will be falling from the trees - no doubt onto railway lines stopping all services - and there will be rows discussions about whether it's time to put the heating on or just grab another jumper. It will also be time to get The Big Coat out of the wardrobe and hope it still fits after lockdown. 

I'm very excited because my gin box from Craft Gin Club arrived today. My highlight of the month. A full bottle of gin, mixers, cocktail ingredients, snacks, chocolate and a great magazine with lots of info & recipes in. What's not to like? Now, I want to make it absolutely clear that I'm not receiving payment in any way for the mention - either monetary or in kind, and I'm not being sponsored either. I just think it's a brilliant idea and a great company - incidentally taming the Dragons' Den (before Sara's tenure though, so there's no conflict of interest there, either) - fab value for money and, best of all, completely new gins I've never seen or tried before. I'm in Ginny Heaven. The drink, not Ms Weasley, that would be weird even for me. The refreshments sorted for the night.

It's been quite the week in Strictly Land, too. Poor Tom 'McFly' Fletcher has tested positive for Coronavirus so he & Amy will need to sit this Saturday out while they isolate. Such a shame as they had a good opening week. The McFly tour has also has to be postponed until they get the all clear so at least he's not tearing around the country singing to scores of screaming tweens & teens. Fingers crossed they won't have to bow out like Nicola & Katya last year.

This means we were down to fourteen couples this week - and one of those will be leaving on 'Sunday'. The judges' scores from last week have rolled over and will be added to this week's. Given some huge scores last Saturday - with the 9 paddle getting an early outing - there could be a massive gap between the leaders and the bottom pair. Not that that matters a jot in reality because this is the first Public Vote of this series and we all know how that can change things. (Ann Widdecombe & John Sargent, anyone?)

So, what happened? Who went home with an Achey Breaky Heart? Was there Murder On The Dancefloor, A Ballroom Blitz or a Safety Dance? Who had Moves Like Jagger (NOT Moobs Like Jabba as I misheard while daydreaming on the way to work) and who was the Dancing Queen? Let me take you on a journey, Strictly speaking.

No pro dance this week, just Tess & Claudia opening the show. Claud seemed to be wearing Tess' frock from last week, while Tess looked something like a sequined dominatrix in a high collared effort all in black. Out come the judges - cue synchronised bum plonk - and we were away.

Rhys & Nancy were the first couple out with a Cha Cha to Reach Out I'll Be There by Human Nature. Oh boy. There must be something in the water at CBBC HQ. Its presenters are always 'switched on' (by which I mean hyperactive). Leaping about, whooping & hollering, talking to camera like he's announcing the next episode of Hey Bing, or whatever it is kids watch these days. It's grating to a fifty-something curmudgeonly old bat like me. He makes me want to put him in a time out. Like Karim, Rhys is undoubtedly talented, but he has no control. Every move was massively exaggerated and OTT. Talk about playing to the back? The folk on Alpha Centauri were asking him to tone it down a notch. Or 200.

That being said, the choreography was good and styles to his hip hop strengths (I wonder what they'll do for Couple's Choice 😏). He had good, straight legs, heel action and rhythm but he lacked rotation in his hips and he was flinging his arms around like he was being attacked by wasps. He was a bit stiff overall and received comments about fluidity, light and shade. He still got a standing ovation from Motsi & Shirley - mind you they'd give the tea lady a standing O these days. A solid 30 out of 40 scored.

Nina & Neil were up next with a Tango to Would I Lie To You? by Eurythmics. Neil's new shorter hair makes him look a bit like a shaved squirrel - especially when he plays it up to the cameras. Apparently he's claiming he is now the 'statesman of Strictly' now Anton is judging. Hopefully he means in terms of age because Aljaz has years on him, lead pro wise.

Let's just say this wasn't Nina's dance. Neil seemed to be hamming up the 'lipstick on your collar' story to detract from Nina's struggling. She had a decent tango face, but she stomped around more like a miffed mum finding 26 plates under her teen's bed than a woman scorned. The constant hands on hips didn't help. I don't think Nina enjoyed herself either. She seemed...off, somehow. She did have attack & intent, but she lost the plot a bit. She made a couple of errors which tensed her up, there were a few wobbles and she lost balance. Neil has stuck some ganchos in (the flicky leg thing), which don't belong in a classic tango which poor Nina failed to nail. There was no V shaping and her shoulders kept rising. Constructive criticism from the judges - especially Anton - but she scored just 18 out of 40.

Adam & Katya followed with a Quickstep to Are You Going To Be My Girl? by Jet. Time to see Adam's ballroom. Oh, give over. Adam performed the role he was given of a geeky guy pretty well in a routine set on a train. Which was totally unbelievable because they had seats. Never happens when I'm on the tube. Unfortunately, he struggled with the routine somewhat. While he had good rhythm and musicality - the synchro side by side being particularly good - he was a bit stiff with a weak frame, arms going too far back, losing the shape. There was too much gapping, his timing slipped and he tripped a couple of times in the tricky footwork.

There were good points - he was light and fast on his feet, not easy with his build, and he had bags of energy and enthusiasm. He put loads of effort into the dance and has a good chemistry with Katya. The judges were fair and he was awarded 19 out of 40 - a big drop from last week. I wonder if there's a separate voting line for his bum? 😋

Katie & Gorka rocked up with a Jive to Good 4 U by Olivia Rodrigo. Katie's had a hectic filming schedule on Hollyoaks this week which impacted on her training time, and it showed. Set in a high school, there was a bit too much faffing around in lockers than jive content. Katie struggled with the steps, her weight too far back meaning her kicks & flicks weren't as sharp as they should have been and her retraction was weak. She was heavy footed, stompy and plodding and didn't point her toes, meaning the kick sections looked more like she was dancing to New York, New York at the end of a drunken work's Christmas do. One time I did that my shoe flew off and hit my mate's boss in the face. Ah, good times.

It was a very, very fast dance and Gorka seemed to be doing most of the heavy lifting, so to speak. Lots of flashy moves to detract the eye from Katie who unfortunately lost timing and made a few errors (Gorka - 'It's not wrong, it's just different'), particularly towards the end when her energy flagged. She said she has to get Gorka to write the choreography like a script so she can learn it. Next week's will read Be Better. Anton closed his remarks with 'It's not your best, it's not your worst'. It's Week Two Anton, things could get a lot worse for all we know. Just 21 out of 40 for the pair.

Greg & Karen  dedicated their Couple's Choice to If You Could Read My Mind by Ultra Naté, Amber & Jocelyn Enriquez to his sister, who sadly passed away from cancer. The VT was very moving but do we really want / need the sad stories in Strictly, or at least this early? I know I'm hard-hearted here, but I want to watch dancing, not be detracted by stuff like this. 

This was a disco version of the Couple's Choice. It started slowly before upping the pace and Greg coped with the changes pretty well, but there was a lot wrong. He was too upright and stiff, his rhythm was off and he needs to learn to loosen up. The lifts were good and he partners Karen well, taking notes and working hard in training. However, this was dad dancing at its worst best - Greg in danger of making Jeremy Vine look like Ashley Banjo in a routine that had more cheese than a French Deli. Over-scored by Shirley & Anton, he earned 23 out of 40.

Up next were John & Johannes dancing a Cha Cha to Starstruck by Years & Years. John was worried about being compared to 'Peachy Peaty' last week but he has buffed up a lot since his Bake Off days. Johannes has really blossomed since his first season, too, now being comfortable being his self. I said it last week, I'll say it again. This is a wonderful partnership. They click so well and bounce off each other. That always helps to help a couple shine on the dancefloor.

John needs to believe in himself. He's technically very good and had an absolute ball with this routine. He was cheeky, fun and flirty and it showed that he was enjoying himself. His hip action was terrific, with great rotation and control. His legs were in proper Cha Cha mode and he was fluid, free and controlled (Rhys, take note). The side by side sections were perfectly in sync and their smiles lit up the room, bringing a proper party atmosphere to the room. Craig gave high praise, calling John powerful & punchy and he scored a terrific 31 out of 40. A message from Olly Alexander from Years & Years fan-boying over the pair made John's night ('he knows who we are!'). By the way, if you've not seen It's A Sin yet - starring Olly - please do. You'll thank me later.

AJ & Kai gave us a Foxtrot to Tears Dry On My Own by Amy Winehouse. While the choreo was a little cheerful for the lyrics, this is another fab pairing. They've both landed on their feet here - Kai having an outstanding first season so far and AJ really throwing all her energy (and, boy, she has loads) into training and the routines. She looked absolutely gorgeous in a short, bobbed wig and her legs go on for miles. She was elegant, poised and controlled, coping well with the changes of direction in a tricky number. There was a lovely fleckerl and heel turn and she glided (glid?) across the floor. Classy, polished, smooth with tons of style and grace.

Her feet were a little turned in, she needs to work on her arm extensions and musicality but this was a cracking second outing from the Blackburn Bombshell. She's popular with the panel, too, scoring 31 out of 40. She was a wee bit over-scored by Motsi in my humble opinion and I'm worried getting 9s in week two leave her no room for improvement, meaning she'll get comments about 'plateauing' and 'not growing'. Let's hope not, because I think she's Final material.

Judi & Graziano swung in with a Samba to Get Busy by Sean Paul. The poor singers Jamie & Tommy having to seamlessly switch between songsters Sinatra & Sean, they earn their butty alright. Remember Gangnam Style? I struggle with Happy Birthday!

Now, it's probably just me, but Graz looks like a Harrods version of Gruey (Kieran O'Brien - kids' show from the 80s - Google it):

Gruey                                                Graziano

Or maybe That Waiter on holiday who flirts with all the ladies for more tips?

Not THAT one!

Okay, so while this wasn't technically perfect - in fact there was no Samba content at all - but who cares? This was a fun, frivolous routine, a definite crowd pleaser with everyone in the room on their feet, chanting Judi's name at the end. She is bouncy, sassy, fearless and funky. Graziano is having a whale of a time partnering her and, though she may not lift the glitterball, she's a joy to watch. There was plenty of hip action - boy she werked that twerk, alright, even teaching Shirl how to shake what her momma gave her. Who, speaking of which, was on her feet dancing like it was chucking out time at a Hen Do. Judi has that effect on people - she makes you want to dance, and believe that you can. A good effort, scoring 25 out of 40. The VT still looked like it was filmed on a 1970s Cinematic camera though. You'd think the Beeb could sort it out!

Robert & Dianne came next with a Tango to La Cumparsita by Machiko Ozawa. This is the classic Tango tune - sung when I was a kid as 'Marks & Spencers is next to Woolworths'. You know the one. Well. What a change from last week! This was Serious Robert - no mugging or cheeky winks to camera. His Tango face was a bit odd - kind of angry like he'd just caught the cat crimping one off in his slippers - but everything else was much improved. There were no mistakes this time and Robert was more stylish and controlled, coping well with difficult steps, changes of direction and pace. Loads of attack and intent, power and poise. He was correctly soft through the knees, giving him drive through the promenades and close turns. The V shape was fairly good and he'd put the hours in.

He still needs some work on his frame and get his elbows in check but overall this was a much improved performance from last week, showing Robert has the gumption to grapple with different dance styles. Last week's Butlins Red Coat and the end of season party was forgotten as Robert channelled his inner Gomez Addams (see the tango in the film with Angelica Houston), scoring 27 out of 40.

Would you Addams & believe it? Robert nails the tango

Rose & Giovanni bought the party back with a Salsa to Cuba by The Gibson Brothers. Gio has rocketed in my estimation since his pairing with The Lovely Debbeh, sorry, Debbie McGee. He is an excellent partner - kind, caring, patient and choreographing to his partner's strengths. Rose's deafness hasn't fazed him one bit and it's lovely seeing him signing to her - he always signed Thank You to the audience / viewers anyway, but his enthusiasm for learning from Rose is great.

Rose is utterly fearless, throwing herself into the routines who oodles of enthusiasm and energy. There were some amazing, tricky, difficult lifts - including a floating neck spin usually seen in Dancing On Ice. Throw in some armography, some close quarters salsa rolls (which reminds me, we had some lovely hot dogs for tea) and dancing on her own and this was a very entertaining dance. Rose had a few problems getting the isolation right and she needs to point her feet more, especially in dismounts from the lifts, but this was a good showing, earning her 26 out of 40.

Another improver was Sara who, with Aljâz finessed a Foxtrot to Dream A Little Dream Of Me by (Mama) Cass Elliot. This is his favourite ballroom dance and he always puts together a good routine. This was no exception. Sara was like a different woman out there - smooth, graceful, flowing, poised and elegant. No stop / start or ponderous plodding this week. Her movements were fluid, free and assured - she was comfortable and confident on the dancefloor bringing beautiful heel turns, changes of pace through the famous quick, quick slow of the foxtrot. HOTH & I tried it once on holiday and it's bloody hard!

Apart from a weird opening in paper boats (pull the sides out and stick your little mast up) it was classy. She still needs a little work on her frame & head placement but she scored a whopping 34 out of 40, garnering 8s from Craig & Motsi and 9s from Shirley and Anton. This is the highest score Aljâz has ever scored for foxtrot and he was moved to tears.

Dan & Nadiya came next premiering the a Paso to Giant by Rag N Boneman & Calvin Harris. You can say what you like about Poached Egg Club founder Dan (yes, it's a thing with very strict entry requirements) but he's not scared to ham it up and give it the Old British Go. Wearing more guy-liner than a Goth at a funeral, he stomped, clomped and flomped his way through the routine shouting 'Hoy' at random intervals like he was trying to catch Sir Chris' attention at a sports club dinner. This was less Russell Crowe at the Amphitheatre and more Russell Harty in Ambleside, more gladioli than gladiator. Although he thankfully turned down the 'muscle suit' the producers wanted him to wear. 

Dan does Morph on 'roids

It wasn't bad, just not as good as Dan thought he was - dragging Nadiya across the floor to the interview mark and shouting 'Are you not entertained?' No, Dan, we weren't. Not that much anyway. He didn't have enough passion or intent, about as masterful as Penfold on a bad day. There was some attack and focus, just not quite enough for a paso. His shaping was poor, especially his arms in the classic stances and he was hunched. The routine was a bit like a jigsaw where not all of the pieces fitted together properly. Not the worst paso I've seen (toss up between John Sergeant  and Hairy Biker Dave Myers) but nowhere near the best (Danny Mac - with a special mention to Seann Walsh for his Matrix matador). I didn't have a clue what Motsi was on about in her critique - I don't think she did either. 26 out of 40 scored.

Dan's paso coach

Ugo & Oti distracted our attention with a Quickstep to Bring Me Sunshine by The Jive Aces - you know, the Morecambe & Wise music. A bit like them, Ugo was dancing all the right moves, just not necessarily in the right order. I'm being unfair - this was a step up from his dance last week. There were some tricky moves - double champ Oti never takes it easy on her partners - and knee walks not usually seen in a quickstep. Ugo played a goofy, likeable character and you can see he wants to work hard for Oti. The side by side sequences were pretty good and Anton thinks Ugo has 'the best left arm in the room'. He kept his framing most of the time and had bags of energy.

The promenade bits were a bit sticky and he tripped over his feet a couple of times, but better than last week and more at ease. Craig, in particular, was impressed with Ugo's enormous growth (I won't tell you again) and he scored 25  out of 40.

Tilly & Nikita closed the night with a Charleston to Yes Sir! That's My Baby by Firehouse Five Plus Two. The Strictly Curse rumours are already flying around after Tilly was seen letting Nikita into her flat 'at night'. Since it starts to go dark about half-six this time of year that might not be the salacious rendezvous a certain gutter rag I wouldn't put at the bottom of a hamster's cage for fear of contaminating the poor thing newspaper is trying to make out it is. But what do I know (or care for that matter)?

With dad Gordon greeting like a good 'un in the background, Tilly hit this routine with gusto, bringing a cheeky, flirty, ditzy character miles away from the elegant young lady we saw last week. This was a dance packed with energy and the go-to Charleston moves - the roly poly, finger waves, hops and head wobbles. I would have liked to have seen the knee switches and birdy flaps, but I can't have everything. Her timing and musicality were much improved and she had all the necessary energy to last to the end of a dance full of difficult steps and changes of weight and pace. She had enough swivel to please Craig, who gave her a huge 8. Look, I know I'm not an expert, but I think she was overmarked. Again, not up there with the Strictly Charleston greats such as Danny Mac Faye Tozer and Stacey Dooley, not terrible like Ann Widdecombe who, if you remember, looked like someone had shot & stuffed Oscar The Grouch. Maybe the judges were scared of Gordon? A total of 34 out of 40 scored.

Some things are best forgotten...

A nervous Nikita dodging Triumphant Tilly's turn

And that was that. All our dancers had danced, the judges had judged, the floor crew had swept up a metric fudge-ton of streamers, glitter & canon-fired confetti. I honestly feel sorry for the poor sods - imagine having to clear all that up in the two minutes the couples are in the Clauditorium? Mrs Hinch eat your heart out - I'd want that lot round to do the 'Quick! The Vicar Is Coming Round For Tea Tidy Up' (disclaimer - I know no members of the clergy, tea-slurpers or otherwise).

With the scores combined AJ was queen of the leader-board with 65, Nina was down in the Danger Zone with 42. I told you things might flip, didn't I?

The fate of the dancers was now in the hands of 'You, The Viewers At Home'. I'd already downloaded the voting app - three votes free and for nuffink and you don't even need to ask Bill Payer's permission, whoever he is. I won't be revealing who my votes went to, although there may be some subtle hints in the comments above 😉.

The show was over, our gins were refreshed & Husband Of The House (HOTH) and I settled down to watch the last episode of the frankly brilliant 'Mare Of Easttown'. If you haven't seen it, it's well worth a watch, with Kate Winslet and Quicksilver from X-Men & WandaVision. The good version of the character played by the sublime and eternally youthful Evan Peters.

But I digress. Faster than Mr Benn could change his clobber, it was Sunday. I don't know why they still pretend it wasn't all filmed on the same day. We all know it is - it's more obvious than Donald Trump's wig. Mind you, with this many dancers the show would end up like the extended version of Lord Of The Rings: Fellowship Of The Ring. The one with 25 minutes of awkward & unnecessary goodbyes. Probably for the best they give us a break.

Talented Tunester Tom Grennan opened the show with his song Something Better while the pro dancers capered around as camp cowboys and sassy showgirls. Some people honestly don't suit ten gallon hats - or even five dollar ones. I know I'm getting old because a) I had no idea what the song was called (thanks, Shazam) and b) I had no clue what he was singing. It seemed nice enough, even if Tom did the 'bend over, arm in the air doing a poo' pose that appears to be popular with the youth of today. Whatever happened to the 'step together, step together' like what Brotherhood Of Man did?

A quick recap of the dances followed, showing the dancers' best bits and flashiest moves.

The results were in, the votes had been counted and verified, the troupers were tense and terrified. Cue the tension racking bumbedy bum music, the camera flitting from face to sweaty face, Gio bopping away like a chipmunk on Sunny D & Haribo. Tess dragging out the first announcement while I'm shouting at the telly for her to hurry up because I need a wee.....

Nina was the first dancer given the thumbs down and would be taking to the floor, maybe for the final time. She was visibly disappointed, hardly able to speak to Tess as she struggled to maintain her composure.

Up to the Clauditorium for the Chatterpillar - named by a nine-year-old viewer last year due to social distancing in place. We learned John keeps a lucky penny in his knickers, Judi is still nervous despite the bravado, AJ is looking forward to next week and Tilly has just started Uni. News At Ten eat your heart out.

Back to business and part two of the elimination. Once more Dilatory Daly dragged out the doomed dancer decision. Honestly, glaciers move quicker than her announcements. Oh, wait - maybe she speaks so slowly we actually DO end up with the dance-off being on Sunday evening? Certainly feels like it.

With Rhys, Greg, Katie, Robert and Katie left on the stairs, they cut back to the Chatterpillar. Cruel, much? Sara learned what next week's dance would be, Ugo was terrified on the stairs and that Oti has been holding back, Rose's brother didn't recognise her glam look and Peachy Peaty wants to tone down his competitive streak so he can enjoy the actual dancing more.

Griff - again, not Rhys Jones - warbled for a bit, bizarrely about 15 feet in the air, wearing a bright yellow frock that reached the floor. Either that or she's really, really tall. She's still not going to be able to go to the loo in a hurry in that get up, anyway. Some of the spare pros wafted about during this, head to toe in black like they'd shipped in The Milk Tray Man & His Missus.

Next, my loo break bit. Judges' Corner. Outfits & make up changed to fool us it was today, yesterday they re-recap what they said 'last night' in some different words. Craig revealed he is a fan of choreographic choice (first time he's said that, he's usually a stickler for by the book routines). We were told about this week's It Take Two - I don't watch it, it's too spoilery for me. There was also a run down of all the social meeja places you can catch up with what's happening in Strictly Land, if you're into that sort of thing.

 Finally, after two Ices Ages and the rise and fall of several empires, Katie was announced as the second dancer-offerer of the night. I was a little surprised as soapsters usually do well, garnering show-watcher votes but it was fair enough as she didn't have a great night. I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but her baby-voice-cum-whiny teenager speech is quite annoying.

Yet again to the Clauditorium - Robert brings his lunch in cling film. I wonder if it's like mine at school. Luncheon meat on white bread, packet of (now defunct) XL sausage & tomato crisps, Blue Riband and a carton of near-homeopathic 'orange juice'? Nah, he's probably more hummus and guacamole, isn't he? Greg will be channelling a certain spy next week - no, not Austin Powers, thank the gods. Daniel has been feeding Nadiya curry and Rhys is proud that his professional partner did so well, accompanying him to next week. How noble of him.

And so to the dance off.

Second time out - Nina's posture improved slightly but she looked like she'd lost the will to dance and was being dragged around by Neil in places. Katie picked up a bit and her kicks were a little sharper and she seemed to have more energy. Both had ironed out the errors. So, who was going home?

The couples could do no more. The judges deliberated, cogitated and digested as one by one they said who they wanted gone and the faller at the first hurdle was....

NINA

A split decision by the judges, though, with Craig & Motsi choosing Katie over her, backed up by Shirley as the head judge, purely for the more technical content of Katie's dance.

It's a shame - I was looking forward to seeing more of her, especially in classic ballroom dances. Her detractors will be rubbing their hands with glee. However, at least the first dance off of the series wasn't a controversial one and both Katie & Nina did deserve to be in the bottom two. On the plus side, we'll be spared the gurning gerbil that is Neil and his insistence that Nina wore dance shoes through hours and hours of rehearsals, giving her blisters on her blisters. Maybe that contributed to her footwork? We shall never know.

They did their final dance to Don't Leave Me This Way - but the other couples can't join this time so it looked like a really awkward first dance at a wedding, where the bride had just found the groom in the airing cupboard with her mum best mate. Ah, well. Bye, bye Nina.

Fourteen couples (if Tom & Amy get the all clear) will return for Movie Week next week and I get to do this all over again, only with lots & lots of very bad puns. Ain't you the lucky ones! Right, I'm off to scoff Spanish chicken and a panna cotta made from scratch by our talented son. No more gin though. Probably. Until then, dahlings......

KEEP DANCING!!

Wadia know - Nina's the first to go

PS - pud:

Glitter Balls To The Wall

Hey there dance fans - I'm back and bigger than ever! But enough about my diet and on with the shennanigans.

YES I'm talking Strictly 2021, of course. The shadow of 2020 is past and we're back up to a full strength cast of 15 wannabe waltzers, struggling salsaers and can-do Charlestonistas. And, boy do we need the glitz, glamour and gurning to detract from Outside.

We know where we are with Strictly, don't we? It's like that mate who swans into your life bringing gossip, scandals, thrills and gin. The gin is very important. I have one to hand as we speak. Very nice it is too. I got it at the Gin Festival on Friday. Probably my favourite nights in the calendar. Plus we had a pizza the size of a tractor wheel to soak it all up. We didn't have pudding.

To The Victor, The Balls

 

Well, here we are at last. The week we've all been waiting for. We started off with a Dancing Dozen of celebrities - several of which I'd actually heard of - and whittled them down one by one until we were left with the Final Four. From pop stars to politicians, soap slebs to sporties, each fell by the wayside, leaving us with:

Bill & Oti

HRVY & Janette

Jamie & Karen

Maisie & Gorka

Tonight their fate lay solely in the hands of the public. A popularity contest of who the folks at home wanted to have it more. Anyone could have won, but only one WOULD. This week, our finalists were doing three dances: The Judges' Choice - one they thought the couples could have improved, The Showdance - where anything goes, and The Couples' Favourite. The Twelve Dances Of Christmas.

It's been a very busy weekend with all the socially distant running around & shopping. Trying to guess if five hundredweight of easy peelers will be enough for three people, wondering what to get for Auntie Beryl. Then remembering you don't actually have an Auntie Beryl, so what are you worrying for? Whoever wrote that Christmas is The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year has obviously never had to brave the scrum in Card Factory looking for a 'To A Wonderful Binman At Christmas' (don't bother looking for one, they don't have them). Christmas? Christmad more like.

With that and the lockdown news that was on just before Strictly I haven't really had time to do the full blog, I'm afraid. So, I've decided to do something just a little bit different for my last Strictly post. I'm giving you a poem (WAIT! COME BACK! It's not that bad. I've been published, I'll have you know). 

It was Strictly, The Final

HRVY the popstar opened the show

With the jive from week one that had then scored quite low

He'd put in the practice and polished his dance

And scoring near perfect, he was in with a chance

Jamie came next, with his moves Herculean

His Charleston rejigged that the Judges were keen on

He swivelled and wiggled and covered the floor

With twenty-six scored, but he should have got more

Bill Bailey, the comic, a Quickstep he brought

The Panel had liked it, but the score came up short

This time he was sharper, his rhythm much better

The steps that he danced? Had them down to the letter

Maisie's first go was her samba with Gorka

She gave it some welly, the routine a corker

Her top line was epic, her hips had rotation

Surely now she'd win the hearts of the nation?

So back round to HRVY, his showdance quite stunning

Janette's choreography was clever and cunning

There were steps from all dances, the timing so fine

The Panel were happy, and he scored twenty-nine

Baron Von Biscuits, with his second shot

Went out hell for leather, he gave us the lot

Cartwheels and spinning, dancing quickly and slowly

And to cap it all off a big roly poly!

Bill came out next all fierce fire and passion

With a dance to rock music, as is his fashion

Oti was spinning, his guitar was on fire

And with a ten from each Judge he couldn't score higher

Maisie returned with a Christmas themed number

With everything in there except, phew, the rumba

The nailed all the steps, the scary drum leap

And was the second contestant to score a clean sweep

HRVY's last dance was the American Smooth

With a high score last time, was there room to improve?

Well pickle me walnuts, as Len used to say 

He only went and did it, scoring tens all the way

Jamie & Karen brought their time to a close

With their Street Commercial that was more than just pose

He ramped up the tempo, the flair and the fun

He also scored thirty, oh wait, minus one

Bill & Miss Oti reprised Rapper's Delight

Which, for me - I'll be honest - was the dance of the night

He was slicker and quicker, with popping & locking

But didn't score thirty which is frankly quite shocking

Maisie's last dance brought an end to the show

With her stunning Quickstep that was great from the go

She was fast, fleet and fab, her feet were aflame

But would the Glitterball trophy be hers to claim?

First Bruno showed up, then Nicola and Katya

And the rest of the cast coming dancing right at ya

Macca & Idris, Robbie singing a song

Who was the winner? We didn't wait long

The people had rung in, the public got votey

The victors were announced as......

BILL BAILEY & OTI!!!!

Now Bill had been expected to be quite a donkey

People thought that his dances would be rather shonky

But never judge a book just by its cover

He turned out to be quite the Strictly dance lover

And he walked off last night with the best prize of all

Win Two for Oti and the fine Glitterball

And there we have it for another year. Only the Christmas Special next week with the favourite 25 dances across the years that Strictly has been on. So, you know we're going to get Ann Widdecombe being used as a mop and Ed Balls teabagging poor Katya Gangnam Style.

Thank you for reading along. It's been great fun doing the blog again. Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. Keep safe and - most of all

KEEEEEEEEEEP DANCING!!!!!

Let's Get Ready To Rumba

 

Hello again, dance fans. It doesn't seem like five minutes since we were last here dissecting the dances, chatting about cha chas, waffling about waltzes and all that jazz. Just one more week to go until the champion is crowned and I get my weekends back from this malarkey. I jest - I love doing this. I get to be bitchy about people I don't personally know, about a subject I have very little experience of, all while embibing a jolly nice glass of something alcoholic in nature. Now, don't get me wrong. I drink very responsibly. I never spill a drop.

Christmas is also just around the corner. At the minute I'm seeing more of the Amazon delivery guy than I am of HOTH. The spare room is looking like an outreach of the post office and there's enough cardboard to keep the recycling chaos busy until Easter. And that's just HOTH's pressies!

But on to why we're really here. IT'S SEMI FINAL WEEK! Our quality quintet are nearly at the end of their journey. They've wheeled out kids, cats, parents, parrots, grans, grandads, pets & perky poppets galore to try and win our votes hearts. There's not many more relatives they can drag out. At least Covid has spared us from the obligatory visit back the the celebs' old school while they perform their piece to a load of bored tots who don't really have a clue who they are, but are just excited that they get to miss maths. I know how they feel. It was like when they wheeled the big telly out when I was at school (no, it wasn't black & white you cheeky sods - but it was in a wooden cabinet). Ah, those were the days. How We Used To Live, Picture Box and Jigsaw. Which brought us the frankly terrifying Mr Noseybonk.

I mean, what were they thinking? This was a KIDS' TV show! He makes Annabel look like Teddy bloody Edward. You're going to have nightmares tonight, trust me.

Well, our couples won't have to fret. They've only got the judges to worry about. Mind you, Craig can be a right one when he gets going - though he does seem to have been milder on the dancers this year. Must be getting soft in his old age.

This week each couple has to do TWO dances for our delictation, which means double the delight. Or twice the twaddle, depending on how much choreo has stuck in. I'd be terrible. I'd probably break into \ Charleston half way through an Argentine. I don't think Craig would be too impressed seeing birdy flaps instead of ganchos. Although it might liven things up a bit.

So, how did they do? Lay on Macduff, as Billy Shakespeare once wrote. Come with me and you'll see, there's a world of pure dancimation (I know that's not a word but it sort of scans).

The audience were back this week, suitably socially distanced, sanitised and masked up. Can you imagine what aliens / distant future archaeologists are going to make of the footage? They'll probably think we were all into kinky stuff set to music. All the Covid precautions didn't stop them whooping & hollering like Howler Monkeys on the Stella, though. Well, mainly. But more of that later.

Jamie & Karen opened the show with a Salsa to Last Dance by Donna Summer. After a lengthy VT section of family & friends, including his usually reticent dad wishing him luck, Jimmy Biscuits was more Broken Biscuits, bless his little pure-silk-from-the-tails-of-unicorns socks. Well, this was a smashing little number, full on disco-salsa fun. Jamie got the party started with an 'anything goes' routine with some tricky steps and jaw-dropping lifts. I mean, at one point he was probably closer to Karen than her gynaecologist has ever been. They did a double section of wrist-ripper bum slides along with the basic salsa steps and the routine was high energy, high tempo, highly entertaining. His hip rotation wasn't as present as it could have been, he was a little flat footed and his free arm looked like it was having a party of its own. A good effort but he still only scored his now routine 24 out of 30, despite looking more like Andy Bell off of out of Erasure than ever,

JAMIE & KAREN AWAIT THEIR SCORES

Rob Brydon popped up to do the Terms & Conditions, pointing out he wasn't Anton. Apparently he gets mobbed by Fantons all the time who mistake him for Tony Beak. Should've gone to Specsavers, ladies. I was disappointed he didn't do his Ken Bruce impression. He once stood in for Uncle Ken for a whole show, being 'Ken' and late tuners in didn't notice the difference. I wonder if he played 'It Should Have Bryn Me'?

Ranvir & Giovanni followed with a wonderful Waltz to Un Giorni Per Noi by Josh Groban. Ranvir's VTs were all about how much she has grown confidence, come out of her shell and started believing in herself. It's something Gio seems to excel at - bringing the most of out of his partners and making them feel good about themselves. This was a beautiful dance, full of grace, style & emotion. Ranvir was light, sweeping across the floor with a wonderful frame and top line - which the judges have said is as good as any pro's. The choreography was simple & understated with some lovely spins, turns & fleckerls as well as the requisite rise and fall. Her footwork wasn't as clean as it could have been and her balance wobbled a couple of times, Craig saying her dress hid a multitude of sins. Shirley praised her arms, saying they were very 'eloquent'. I think someone should get her a thesaurus for her Secret Santa. A decent score of 26 out of 30 nonetheless.

Bill & Oti were up next with a cracking Charleston to Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey by Ottilie Paterson with Chris Barber. Apparently Bill is really called Mark, but a teacher nicknamed his Bill after this song and it stuck. Which was very handy. Flipping heck. Oti must have put every single Charleston step in the history of the dance in this number. I mean, it had EVERYTHING! Bill, as usual, had great character, throwing himself into the routine with enthusiasm and gusto. His side by side sections with Oti were totally in sync, his timing was great and his stamina never flagged despite the tempo. He pulled all the right goofy faces and looked like he was having a whale of a time. Most important of all - he had stupendous swivel in his feet. He was a little stiff through his upper body but overall he was impressive - with Craig even changing the lyrics in his critique to 'Don't You Go Home, Bill Bailey'. Just 25 out of 30 scored, though.

Maisie & Gorka brought us a Couple's Choice with a Street Dance / Commercial to Gettin' Jiggy Wit It by Will Smith. Now, you see, this is why I'm not a judge. I'm sure it was very technical and all that, but it just left me...cold. And I'm not alone. A lot of the people I chat to about Strictly said exactly the same. Nothing against Maisie Three Expressions (honestly, she's the Colin Farrell of dance. All he can do is 'baffled', 'angry baffled' & 'happy baffled') but, for me, it was missing something. It was like one of those end-of-term talent shows we had to sit through on Christmas Holiday break up day where you sorta like the kids, but wish they'd have done something else. Like not bother. Or hurry up so the teachers would put the Chilly Willy films on. For me it was all a bit cliched. Basketball court set - check. Jock letter jackets - check. Bad breakdancing - check. Apparently, breakdancing is going to be a 'showcase' sport in the 2024 Olympics. I shan't start polishing my lino just yet. But I suppose it must have been good. The judges raved over it like it was The Second Coming and Shirl declared it one of the best numbers she had ever seen. No, Shirl. No it wasn't. Did y'all miss the completely fudged up leg-ography and the bits where she was ahead of the beat? They must have because Maisie scored a full house 30 out of 30. I'm with Colin Farrell on this one. Baffled.

Haaaaaarveeeeeey & Jnt ended Round One with a Rumba to Only You by - according to the BBC site - Kylie Minogue and James Corden. Kylie & Corden? Kylie & bloody Corden? I think you'll find it was Yazoo, mate. I should know, it's my karaoke go to. Now, you know my feelings on the rumba. Walk, walk, wiggle, wave, pout, wiggle, cuddle. Bleurgh. I told you I'm allergic to romance. Don't get me started with that 'Love You To The Moon & Back' stuff. You know that's fewer than 500,000 miles, right? I mean, I wouldn't want to walk it but, universally speaking, it's like saying you love someone to the corner shop & back. The Proclaimers have probably walked that be now anyway. So, yeah. The rumba. This was NOT his dance.  It wasn't romantic or sexy and there was no flow. You could hear the poor floor manager trying to gee the audience into cheering & clapping. The Consonantaphile didn't seem to get to grips with the routine at all. He was completely stop/start, clunking from one move to the next, standing about a lot while Janette wafted about. His footwork was poor - pigeon toed throughout the dance and he got off balance more than once. The lowest score of the night so far, just 23 out of 30.

And so to Part Two. Each celeb had a VT section from the judges this time, commenting on their improvements, what the judges liked and their best bits so far. Fewer tears all round then.

 

Jamie & Karen kicked off the second half with a Quickstep to Thank God I'm A Country Boy by John Denver. This was a...different style of Quickstep. More barn dance / hoe down with not all the usual steps you'd normally expect. There was a lot of faffing & dancing on benches, a CGI menagerie of farm animals and a haystack in there, but it was fun. Jamie had a massive grin on his face, clearly enjoying every second - as was I. It was light, clippy & tidy - although Jamie lost timing on a couple of occasions as he got a bit giddy. He didn't shirk any of the steps though and was mostly in sync with Karen. The judges seemed to like it, but the poor lad STILL only scored 24 out of 30.

Ranvir & Giovanni's second dance was a Jive to Candyman by Christina Aguilera (how come she can say it three times without this dude turning up to put a dent in her day)

Erm. I think the less said about this the better. The Jive can be a winning dance or a bogey one. It was definitely the latter for Ranvir. Her weight was way too far back, meaning she was off balance from the start. She lacked retraction on her kicks & flicks, which were leaden, lumpy and stompy. She was clearly not enjoying herself with this routine and it translated into her movements. She was flat-footed and flappy, too upright and stiff. To be honest, the best thing about it was nautical but nice Giovanni, dressed like a Jean-Paul Gaultier sailor. Very harsh comments from the judges this time round and Ranvir scored a terrible 18 out of 30.

I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS HERE....

Bill & Oti ended their night with a Tango to Enter Sandman by Metallica. Yes, you read that right. Metallica. Maybe Bill & I should team up to write Metallica The Musical, since I would love to do a Viennese waltz to Nothing Else Matters by them. A Paso to Master of Puppets & we're sorted. Dave Arch was in his element getting his rock on to this. Bill was playing air guitar as well here. He had very good drive & attack, great eye contact and partnership with Oti and he built the atmosphere with staccato head turns and flamenco steps. His footwork was off, though, and there was no V shaping. His shoulders were a bit hunched and he had some balance issues. Although claiming to be a heavy metal fan, Shirley proper tore into him - leading to Craig encouraging the crowd to boo her for a change. Perhaps it was too much of a stretch for Strictly and Bill scored 23 out of 30.

Maisie &Gorka slowed things down with a Viennese Waltz to A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. As you know, Maisie hasn't done a lot of ballroom numbers - and I don't know why. This was by far a better dance than her earlier one. It was lyrical, lovely and light. Maisie was flowing and smooth, keeping the rise & fall in check and her frame was elegant, finishing all of her extensions and lines. The footwork was on point - Shirley standing and watching like a hawk to make sure - and the partnership between the pair was sweet. Not sure what the guitar brought to the dance (poor Maisie couldn't even mime playing it) but the judges liked it and awarded 29 out of 30.

YVRH & Janette Manraraskirt closed the show with their Charleston to Another Day Of Sun by the La La Land cast. This was more like it. Janette had been following the Oti Chuck It All In School of Choreography and everything was in there but the kitchen sink. It didn't have quite the same atmosphere as Bill's, but it was still fun to watch. Loads of tricks, flips & lifts, bags of swivel, great musicality head to toe. He performed with plenty of pizzazz & attitude, though he did get out of sync with Janette a couple of times. Not that the judges cared  noticed, mind. Motsi got unnecessarily hysterical, saying he'd be back next year as a pro (err...Motsi, you DID watch the rumba, right?). A top of the shop 30 out of 30.

And that was that. Ten dances done & dusted. The celebs had done everything they could and now it was down to the popularity vote to see who would survive through to the final.

Monday Eve - AKA Sunday - reared its little head once more. HOTH, SOTH & I got our festive on and decorated the house & Christmas tree. I even made some very disturbing shepherds and a 'sheep' like looks like an early version of Dolly The Clone (the ones they don't show on TV). Look, nobody has the impression I'm the next Damien Hirst, okay. More Damn It Hurts, if I'm honest.

The pro dance started with a mean & moody Aljaz, barefoot Karen on a rotating stagey bit, then Greasy Arnold barging in and it all getting funky to Kate Bush's Running Up That Hill. The rest of the pros posed theatrically, basically acting as the set & props. I had flashbacks to the Gay Zebra all over again.

Tess didn't have much to do, really. Five couples, two in the dance off? It was never going to take long, was it?

The first Dance Off denizen was....

RANVIR

Oh well. She must have had an inkling she would be in danger this week. The judges' comments were harsh on both occasions and she was at the bottom end of the leader-board at the end of 'last night'. As we know, it only takes one duff night to stick a spanner in your Strictly works - and poor Ranvir had the whole toolbox dumped on her.

Up in the Clauditorium, Maisie was told she was the youngest ever finalist, at which she went bananas. Well, it's not exactly rocket science, Mais. You're the youngest flipping contestant. And in some fab news, Janette will be in her first ever final next week! I know, madness isn't it? Eight years on Strictly and not a sniff of the final.

Two thirds of Little Knicks - sorry, Little Mix (they'll catch their deaths in those outfits they usually wear) belted out their latest for our entertainment, while Johannes & Luba strutted their funky stuff. I don't know where the other two were - maybe they weren't keen on the outfits they'd been given. One of the poor things looked like she'd been in a fight with a candlewick bedspread and Big Bird. And lost.

The judges did their bit while I served up the profiteroles I'd got free with my frozen food shop. Let's say it was from, oh, I don't know..Greenland? Very nice they were, too. The profiteroles, not the judges. Rumour has it Bruno is earning £33,000 A MINUTE! Not a bad gig if you can get it. That'd keep you in Werther's wouldn't it?

Quick visit back to Tess and we knew who would be joining Ranvir in the dance off. It was...

JAMIE

Poor Baron Von Biscuits. He's been at the bottom more times than the soggy Hob Nob I dunk in my cuppa. Yes, I know he's not technically brilliant and is starting to look a bit out of his depth but the joy he brings when he dances is off the scale. Craig was particularly effusive in his encouragement to Jamie, telling him they'd put him through every time because they know what he can do.

Claud had a chat with Bill about his Strictly experience and to say he's had a good time is a bit like saying Everest is quite high. Or water is a bit damp. You get the picture.

Jamie chose to reprise his salsa from Saturday. Unsurprisingly, Ranvir had chosen to do her waltz again. No way was she going to do that jive EVER again, if she could help it. It was all going to be down to who impressed the judges most. As you know, I'm no expert but Jamie went for it even better than on Saturday, nailing his bum spin (so to speak). Ranvir was, again, beautiful and elegant. It was going to be a close call.

It was very, very difficult. Craig was deliberating for some time and seemed to change his mind a couple of times before saving Jamie. Motsi was quicker off the announcing she was saving Ranvir. Another week, another split decision from the judges. Maybe they're just doing it to make Our Shirl feel useful as she had the casting vote as Head Judge. And so she made decision. The dancer going home, falling at the semi-final hurdle was.....

RANVIR. There's no doubting she had a great time and has grown so much. I will miss her, though. She has a humble grace & humility that seems very genuine. She even apologised to Giovanni for being voted out, bless her. Long may she continue to dance.

And so we have our finalists: BILL, HRVY, JAMIE & MAISIE. Who's your money on? It's going to be a close one, that's for sure. Join me next week for the last instalment,  hopefully with my assistant lending a paw again.

Until then, KEEEEEEEEP DANCING!!!

SUCH A SHAME SHE'S AN ALSO RAN-VIR, PIPPED AT THE POST

I'll just leave this here again.