Hubble Social Bubble Toil & Trouble

Hail Waltzing Witches & Wizards, Samba-ing Spooks and Terryfying Tangoers. It's HALLOWE'EN WEEK ON STRICTLY!!! Wait, what? It's NOT? But, but, but it's always spooky costumes and music and dancing on Hallowe'en! First no Blackpool and now no Hallowe'en? That's a croquembouche!. Oh well, safety first of course for everyone involved and at least Tony Beak doesn't have to get done up as a vampire. Again. Honestly, if he was a blood-sucker for realsies I'd be scoffing as much garlic as I could get my hands on and quaffing Holy Water at the same rate as I swally gin. 

Right. So. NO costumes. NO make up. NO themed music. Fine. I suppose I'll crack on then. 

Well, well, well. Seems we have a new entrant to Obvious Ringer. My detective pals people I've nicked stuff off the internet from have brought me most interesting news! Max from off of out of The Wanted is NOT a novice 'never even danced round me handbag' at all. Oh no, siree. He was, in fact, in the TV series Glee for six episodes playing a singing AND DANCING member of a rival Glee Club. Uh huh. Yep. Even if he did wear a shell suit, it's still shonky, if you ask me. It's starting to sound like Campanology Club with all the ringers out there. What's that? He had a body double for the dancing and was only there as eye candy / warbling? Hmmm. We shall see. 

Well, because of Bozza's Baffling Bulletin (the Lockdown Hokey Cokey Part Deux) the opening pro dance had to be cut. At least it was pre-recorded and we might see it on 'Sunday' results show. Which isn't Hallowe'en, which kind of defeats the object. The press conference was way more scary anyway.

So, we started late, there was nothing fancy going on and the audience still looked like they were about to watch a 19th century post-mortem. Which, to be fair, with some of the dances they were. Are you all set? Let's get on with it then. I have wine to drink.

Ringa-Dinga Max and Dianne kicked & flicked off proceedings with a Jive to I'm A Believer by The Monkees. Believer? I don't even know her! This was quite a mixed bag of a dance - some good bits, some things to work on. Max took it all on the chimp (sorry) as he tackled quite a difficult routine with tricky changes of pace and rhythm. He had plenty of energy, stayed in time and sync with Dianne and had some good bounce and stamina. His free arm was still a bit flingy, the kicks had very little retraction and his toes weren't as pointed as they could have been. The 'little lad at a wedding' knee slide was controlled, even if he did gurn his was through the dance. We need to remember it's only week two though and while Craig said he'd like to see Max more on his balls (of his FEET you filthy people) he scored a respectable 20 out of 30.

As we're now allowed to vote the inevitable sleb is churned out to read the Terms & Conditions. This week we were treated to sweary chef Gordon Ramsay. I was expecting quite a different set of Ts & Cs to be honest, but we were pre-watershed.

And on with the show. Clara & Aljaz were up next with a Viennese Waltz to You Don't Own Me by SAYGRACE. I love this song and Aljaz clearly wasn't to be deprived of Hallowe'en spookiness with a very atmospheric routine. This was quite a different Viennese with some definite Paso Doble flavours which were really interesting to watch. It wasn't easy choreography, either, with Aljaz chucking in fleckerls and reverse turns alongside the Paso / Flamenco handwork. Clara did really well and wasn't remotely fazed when her heel caught in her dress, covering up like a pro. The dance was quick, smooth and delivered with attitude, but she struggled with frame and posture and her shoulders hunched quite a bit, spoiling her top line. Room for improvement, but a jolly good effort scoring 17 out of 30.

Bill & Oti followed with a quirky Quickstep to Talk To The Animals by Bobby Darin. Bill continues to surprise and impress, delivering a light, quick, clippy and trippy dance (It wasn't just me seeing monkeys, alligators and an elephant was it?). I swear Oti would be able to teach a table to dance well. This was a fab routine and Bill could Dolittle wrong. He had bags of character, thoroughly enjoying himself with fun choreography. His lines and posture were great, his hands well shaped - impressing Craig - and his footwork was spot on. His natural musicality was evident throughout and did he menagerie to pull it off? A score of 24 out of 30 says so.

JJ & Amy took to the floor with a Paso Doble to Believer by Imagine Dragons. Boy Of The House (BOTH) used to have an imaginary dragon friend called Dragonty Dragonty, who had his own imaginary friend called Mousity Mousity. No wonder I drink. Anyway. The dance. Erm. Not JJ's best unfortunately. Amy had choreographed it well to accommodate JJ's injuries and he put loads of effort and hard work in. There was too much faffing about with cape-ography on the podium at the start and I was beginning to wonder if he was going to hit the floor at all. When he did, there was some good effort at Paso shaping and he tried to give us attack and attitude. It was slow for a Paso though and lacked fire & passion. Unfortunately, JJ's 'fierce' face was him staring at Amy with mad, wild eyes like he'd just trapped something important in his zip and was trying not to scream. He was nervous and it showed as his timing went off and his footwork faltered. He scored 17 out of 30 from the judges. 

Baron Von Biscuits Jamie & Karen danced what was allegedly an American Smooth to Night & Day by Frank Sinatra. Bless Jamie, he tries hard and has enthusiasm. Flying in on a crescent moon he looked the part in slick tails. There was some definite pizzazz with his attempts as Fred Astaire flair. Pity he was more Fred Flintstone. He showed some rhythm & swing and his timing was better this week. But his shoulders were so hunched he looked like Uncle Fester and his bum stuck out so much you could have balanced a tray on it. No danger of him Hob-Nobbing at the top of the leaderboard and he'll be a Jammy Dodger to not be in danger of a dunking this week. Another 17 out of 30 from Craig & Co.

As if that wasn't bad enough for him, he was followed by Maisie & Gorka dancing a Tango to Midnight Sky by Miley Cyrus. That's like putting Mr Blobby on to open for Bruce Springsteen, the poor sod. Maisie might be a ringer, but she's damn good to watch. This was a dance of sharp, clean lines, staccato head jerks, attitude, attack and intent. The choreography was dramatic and full of tricky content and change of pace. There was a little problem with maintaining the V shape required and there was a little wobble but otherwise a cracking routine. Thing is, how does she improve from here? Is she in danger of peaking too soon and hitting a plateau? The nines came out too soon for me and she scored 25 out of 30. Unless the nines were for the close up of Gork's glutes which got almost as much camera time as Maisie's mug?

And then I lost the will to live. Jacqui & Anton lolloped around the floor with a Samba to Help Yourself by Tom Jones or SAAAARRRRRMMMMMMBBBBAAAAARRRR as our Tone pronounces it. I don't know about Help Yourself. All the gods that were, are or ever will be couldn't help Jacqui. Not even an intervention from Ed 'Gangnam Style' Balls didn't work (I'm still having nightmares about him tea-bagging Katya in that). Ohhh Lordy! She was out of time, had no rhythm, plodded around and struggled with even the very simplest choreography. Looking dazed and confused like she was recovering from heavy sedation, she was dragged around the floor by Anton and his ever more desperate rictus grin. I've seen more bounce in a breeze block. In the end he shoved her on what looked suspiciously like a love swing as he tried to salvage some dignity. A savage 2 from Craig scored them just 12 out of 30.

**Nd s my hps wr rsd whn Hrvy & Jnntt tk t th flr wth thr Vnns Wltz t Stck Wth Y by Rn Grnd & Jstn Bbr. Thy shwd sm vry gd chmstry nd th ynglng scrbs p wll. Hrvy hd nc tp ln, wth grc & smth flw crss th flr. Thr ws sm lvly ftwrk & hs flckrl std p t scrtny. Hs frm ws bt tght thgh & h wnt bt wbbly - t mch rs & fll fr Vnns. Thy brght t th nn gns rly nd th cync n m sspcts crcdl trs bt h stll scrd 24 t f 30 (bt vrmrkd f y sk m)** (See below for fully vowelled version) 

PS - is it just me who thinks HRVY looks like Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas?

You can't unsee it now, can you?

Ranvir & Giovanni kicked off their week two with a Quickstep to You Are The Sunshine Of My Life by Stevie Wonder. This was a sunny, cheerful dance with lots of clever content. Ranvir seemed confident in and out of hold and she covered the floor well with some lovely light footwork.  She had a great frame which she maintained throughout the routine and showed a solid core. The Charleston break bit was a bit messy and her timing went out a bit, but this is a promising partnership and strong contender for Strictly Showmance 2020. A decent score of 21 out of 30.

Then it was time for the first Couple's Choice of the year. I'm not a massive fan of this and it must be hard to score fairly alongside the more traditional dances. Nicola & Katya chose Street Commercial to Shine by Years & Years. Choreographed to tell Nicola's story, this was an interesting routine and entertaining to watch. Nicola was, of course, light on her feet and showed loads of rhythm and timing. The flag work was almost impeccably synced and the dance had tons of energy with tight and sharp moves. Nicola still has to relax and perform a bit more - and trust Katya to choreograph to her strengths. But her million megawatt smile lights up the dancefloor and you can't fault her enthusiasm. This is shaping up to be a good partnership and I'm looking forward to seeing what they bring us next. A very respectable 24 out of 30.

A somewhat subdued Caroline & Johannes brought us a Paso Doble to El Gato Montes by Ramon Cortez (I'm never sure whether 'gato' means cake or cat, which is why I never eat in Spanish restaurants). Johannes was, of course, in full matador get up - you can't keep that lad away from tight pants & sequins - but Caroline was dressed much more matronly. She started with some very nice flamenco shapes and skirt work, she can definitely get her leg higher than I can for the promenade walks as well. Her arms and hands were beautiful, but the routine was low on attack & attitude. It was nice to look at, but all felt very...safe. Caroline stayed in character as a Spanish dowager and if she adores Johannes it's nonna your business. For an actress she needs to come out of her shell more and sparkle, or she'll be a mid-table early exit, I'm afraid. Still, she earned 21 out of 30 from the panel.

  

Jason & Luba closed the night with a Salsa to Get Lucky by Daft Punk ft Pharrell Williams & Nile Rodgers. They hit the floor looking like a pair of highlighter pens on speed. Fair hurt my eyes, it did. Whoever picked that colour needs A Word. Crikey. Despite looking worryingly like an Easter Island head in spandex, Jason gave this dance some welly. I mean, he proper went for it. Bags of bounce, shedloads of shimmy, oodles of energy he careered around the floor, clearly having the time of his life. There was some good rhythm & footwork, although he was a bit tentative and cautious in places. While I've seen more rotation in a minibus than there was in Jason's hips it was a fun and frivolous way to end the show. Lots of potential even if he did only score 18 out of 30.

 

And that was it. Not the Hallowe'en show we're used to but still an enjoyable night. I mean, is anyone really missing Bruno? To be honest, I'm not losing any sleep over the lack of histrionics, leering, arm flailing and 'oh no, I've fallen off my chair again' schtick. Maybe I'm just miserable (OI, what do you mean 'no maybe about it'?).

**And so my hopes were raised when Hrvy & Jannette took to the floor with their Viennese Waltz to Stuck With You by Ariana Grande & Justin Bieber. They showed some very good chemistry and the youngling scrubs up well. Hrvy had a nice top line, with grace & smooth flow across the floor. There was some lovely footwork & his fleckrl stood up to scrutiny. His frame was a bit tight though & he went a bit wobbly - too much rise & fall for a Viennese. They brought out the nana guns early and the cynic in me suspects crocodile tears but he still scored 24 out of 30 (bit overmarked if you ask me)** 

Wibbly wobbly timey wimey and all of a sudden it was Sunday. I mean, it really was for us but we ALL know the results show is filmed straight after the votes close. It'd cost them a fortune in studio time, otherwise.

The cut pro dance from last night made an appearance and it was suitably atmospheric with poor Janette Manraraskirt being passed around like a bag of crisps at a sleepover. And she got the crap costume as well. Like nobody had told her they were doing a dance. Oh, well. It was good.

Bruno beamed in from La La Land to give his opinion on last night's show. His contract from JFM seems to have expired and he's no longer sporting jet black locks. He looks better for it, mind. He didn't add a massive amount to proceedings and it seemed like someone had an eye on the wifi / satellite bill making sure he didn't add too much to the bill.

Sam Smith warbled through the usual song we're subjected to during these things. I've still not forgiven the Bond theme with the sex pest octopuses in the video (Google if you don't believe me). I'm sure Sam is fine - skreiking about how badly done to they were in their £7 million mansion during lockdown aside - but I'm not the greatest fan. The songs all sound the same 🤷🤷 <showing me age>.

With the drummer on overtime with the bumbeddy bumbeddy 'tension building' music the red lights of doom hovered like The Mysterons and finally settled on......

JAMIE AND JACQUI. Well, that was a surprise. Said nobody whatsoever. I mean, even Mystic Meg couldn't have predicted differently. It was just a case who was least worst. Which REALLY isn't saying a lot, to be honest. Like choosing whether you'd prefer root canal surgery or gallstones.

Claudia had to speak to the safe couples one by one - she called it a caterpillar of dance. I'm thinking cha cha cha of chat? Queue of Quickstep? Hmmm. Let me work on that.

As if we hadn't been spoiled enough, we were then 'treated' to another rendition of the abominations we'd seen earlier. And they weren't really any better, to be honest. If anything, Jacqui was worse. I know? Who thought it was even possible? Were we expecting it to be better, though? Nah, course we weren't!

I bet you can't guess who was voted off? Go on, guess?! 

OMG - YOU'RE RIGHT!! Surprise of the year it was Jacqui who was unanimously and unceremoniously dumped from the show. She probably still got more votes on Strictly than she did as an MP!

And that was that for another week. Sequins stored, feathers fettered, Dave Arch divested of his baton until next Saturday. And that's all from me, too.

Until MOVIE WEEK next week.......KEEP DANCING!!!! And I'm giving you your seven day pun alert. You have been warned.

I'M BAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK!!!

 

 

Well, hello there. I'm back to bother you with my blog all about Strictly and my mad (mainly vodka fuelled) musings on What Went On. Admit it, you've missed me. If you're new to these ramblings let me make one thing clear. I know NOTHING about dancing and no - I most certainly couldn't do that. But I've never let that stop me before and I'm not going to mend my ways now.

SO - since I watch this show so you don't have to, let me whisk you into the world of waltz, the den of dancing, the floor of foxtrot...or Elstree studios as it's usually known. I've actually been there when I was on The Chase. Let me tell you, the Strictly set dressers earn their keep!

The show opened with a mad, frenetic mash up show dance from the pros. Lots of Latin, jumping about and gurning. A few new Spares were there and Neil looked like he was wearing no trousers. Good job all the pro dances were filmed months ago because I was knackered just watching them.

Tess & Claudia wandered on - Tess looking a bit like a sparkly verson of those tall ashtrays your grandparents had that twizzled round and whipped the fags out of sight. Claudia like she's just woken from a nap and had wrapped herself in the nearest throw.

 

 

 

Behind them was the extremely reduced audience, all wearing masks. Not, like Jason Voorhees type masks, the ones we're all wearing. It looked like we were in The Thunderdome. Any minute I expected Mel Gibson & Tina Turner to kick off. We were told in No Uncertain Terms about stringently adhering to CV19 restrictions. Tess went on more about Bubbles than Michael Jackson ever did. 

And, for a few months at least, we have no Bruno. He's stuck in the States and, boy, did Shirl look relieved. She won't need to give herself whiplash dodging his flailing arms. Apparently he's Skyping for the results show. Hope his works better than mine. Tess did her best to say he was missed, but she's no Judi Dench is she? And there - we were launched. ON WITH THE SHOW!

Kicking off proceedings was last year's limper-offer Jamie Laing who injured himself in the launch show and was replaced by eventual winner Kelvin Fletcher (lucky escape for Oti there). Heir to the McVities fortune Baron Von Biscuits was paired with Karen for a Cha Cha Cha to Think About Things by Dao Og Gagnamagnio (what do you mean 'who'? I have all their albums. Ahem). I thought I'd tuned into the wrong show as Jamie stood with a keytar round his neck and a metric ton of smoke round his feet. I was expecting him to say 'Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Andy Bell off of out of Erasure'. To be fair, he should have gone with that as dancing does not appear to come naturally to him. Or unnaturally. Or at all. Clomping around the floor he looked more like he was performing a chimp mating dance. He was doing all the steps - just not cha cha cha ones, in the right order or not. Like a labradoodle on disco biscuits he lolloped about with nary a care for rhythm, musicality, timing or finesse. I don't think he's in with any chance of Doing A Kelvin but he's charming enough to win viewer votes. He was dunked near the bottom with a score of 14 out of 30 (since Bruno isn't here).

Caroline Quentin and Johannes followed with a gentle American Smooth Foxtrot to 9 - 5 by Sheena Easton. Training VT showed Caroline had struggled a bit, having a menospausal  meltdown midweek (I'm allowed to say that, being in the same hormonal boat myself). Come showtime she was in fine fettle and being on the show didn's seem to faze her. She spent the whole dance with a genuine, sparkling grin on her face, clearly loving being led aroundby the wonderful Johannes. She moved with plenty of grace and style, showing lovely musicality. Her lines and frame were very good for week one and her foot placing and lines showed great promise. She coped well in and out of the lifts and while it wasn't mindblowing it was perfectly splendid for a first crack on the dancefloor and she scored a very creditable 21.

Next up was Pound Shop Robbie Williams Max George and Dianne bringing us a Tango to Best Fake Smile by James Bay. Max is the singer in The Wanted, who brought us a Strictly winner in Jay McGuinness. I wonder if three later names are a prerequisite for the band? Anyway, it was a very odd choice of music - not really Tango-ey at all, more pop/rock. And I think that affected the content. Max gave it a good go - fairly decent attack and drive, but his frame was wobbly and he hunched over a bit too much. Bruno would have no doubt made a comment about his prominent derriere. He was a bit stiff (oo-er missus) but his promenades and chassis walks showed some talent. His free arm was a bit flingy and the dance lacked snap and intent. He was clearly nervous and that might have caused some issues. One to watch, though, and *certain* forums are rather gushy about how easy he is on the eye. A fair 17 out of 30.

Now, apparently Amfo is a type of explosive. And Clara was dynamite (sorry) dancing a Cha Cha Cha with Aljaz to Don't Stop Me Now by Dua Grande, or Ariana Lipa, I dunno - they all sound the same to me these days. Aljaz is looking more and more like Bear In The Big Blue House which, incidentally, our son had a toy of that danced the Cha Cha Cha. He went off it when we put it on the tray of his high chair and it punched him in the face about 40 times. He's nearly 15 now and still traumatised. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyhoo, Clara gave it some welly, wearing heels not being her forte. She was a little clompy & stampy but there was bags of chemistry between the pair. There was some good cha cha cha action in a dance with a lot of fun and content. She showed decent stamina in an energetic dance and if her feet were killing her it didn't show. Lots of potential scored her 18 out of 30, though Motsi was a little generous.

Following this was MP Jacqui Smith and Tony Beak (Anton Du Beck) torturing us with a Foxtrot to Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life. While Anton is still searching for The Holy Grail of a Strictly win (see what I did there), having to bring out the comedy for was what is, essentially, the dance Anton is best at is not a good sign. Oh dear. Poor Jacqui was wandering about like an auntie at the end of a wedding - dazed, confused, merry on sherry, Anton leading her round like the uncle, worried she was going to be sick on his shoes. Flat footed, plodding, pedestrian, Jacqui struggled with a fairly basic routine low on content. Even bringing out props didn't help distract from the fact that Jacqui was so far out of her comfort zone she was practically on Alpha Centauri. She was stiff, walking through the steps and going through the motions as Anton grinned maniacally at the camera. Rhythm is a dancer. Jacqui ain't. Even if she does look like Kelly from Misfits' mum. Vote for The Pity Party as she scored a bottom of the leaderboard 13 out of 30.

Up next was former Royal Marine and now paralympian Judith Chalmers - whoops, I mean JJ Chalmers - and Amy. For those of you who don't know, JJ was horrifically injured in Afghanistan and his recovery has been amazing. He has more guts, grit and determination in his left pinky than I'll ever have. He's still fair game here though - except, I have nothing naughty to say. Dancing a Waltz to What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Graceful, gliding, he covered the floor beautifully. Great chemistry between the pair even though JJ was singing along as he went. Lovely rise and fall, beautiful frame and poise - I think Mr Chalmers will be around for a while. Surprisingly, this was Amy's first ever waltz on Strictly but she had some lovely choreography - not too difficult for a first dance, but all the right elements. A Panel Pleasing 19 out of 30.

Cocky Cockney and Candidate for Obvious Ringer Of The Year Maisie Smith and Gorka The Corker (being a new dad seems to have turned him 'blond' overnight) danced a Samba to Samba/Conga by Gloria Estefan. If you don't know - and I didn't - Maisie plays Tiffany Butcher in EastEnders. Child of Bianca and Rickaaaaaayyyyyy Butcher, apparently. Maisie blasted out with youthful confidence and enthusiam, hitting the floor with intent from the first note. Loads of shimmy, great hip action, showing musicality and rhythm and keeping in sync with Gorka. Her samba rolls (basically the bloke shoving his bits in your bum crack and wiggling) were impressive, as was her bounce and energy. Her stamina wavered a bit and the impact was a bit low - the leg twazzy bits at the end (keep up with the technical terms, folks) were messy. The judges were thrilled and she got an early 'A-MA-ZING' from Craig. Leaderboard topping score of 24 out of 30. The Internet hates her already.

'Mercan Fubbler Jason Bell and Luba Rication were up next. I know that's not her name but mine's funnier and I can't spell her proper one. They brought a somewhat messy American Smooth to My Girl by The Temptations. Sorry, Luba, you fumbled the pass with this choreography. A mad mash up mix of steps in different styles didn't hit the mark. Jason - who sounds disconcertingly like Foghorn Leghorn - tried his best and looked like he was genuinely enjoying himself. Infectious goofy grin on his face throughout, he showed some good rhythm and got into the spirit of a cheesy routine. Nothing too taxing, the content was fairly low and the lifts pretty easy for a strapping bloke like Jase. He struggled with the frame a little but this Cornerback will have a comeback (no, I have no idea either). He touched down with 16 out of 40.

Ranvir Singh and Giovanni (aka Joe Varney) took to the floor with a Paso Doble to End Of Time by Beyonce. Now, I like Gio. He's always seemed a lovely bloke and looks after his partners. He just looks like Kevin The Gerbil from Roland Rat doing a sex face. Proper put me off, it does. 

 

He looked good in a skirt in the VT, mind. Ranvir started with some strong skirt-ography and a decent Paso face. She gave the proper attitude but was a little stompy and stiff. The dance was a bit stop/start and didn't quite have the flow of a good paso. The flamenco hands were lovely, though and her staccato was spot on. She'd definitely put the work in and I'm looking forward to seeing more from her. The judges were similarly impressed and she scored a decent 21 out of 30.

 

Now for The Very Shocking And Controversial Same Sex Partnering of Nicola Adams and Katya. Except it's neither and nor should it be. I'm not going to soapbox but if you're offended by two ladies dancing together awa' and boil ye heid. I don't think we'll ever be friends. Right. On with the dance. The perky pair brought us a Quickstep to Be Happy by Ella Fitzgerald. And I was. Former boxer Nicola was, as expected, light on her feet, flexible and mobile. With a smile a mile wide she was clippy, trippy and skippy across the floor, showing some decent footwork and style. They swapped lead throughout the dance that was really interesting and good to see - even if affected Nicola's frame a little. There was a lot of difficult content which she coped with well. I'm putting any stiffness down to nerves as she does need to relax more and learn to perform the routines. Cracking chemistry, even though Katya wasn't sure to do with her hands talking to Claudia afterwards (do I hug, do I not, matey arm round shoulder?). A fairly knockout score of 21 out of 30.

Bill Bailey and Oti scampered on stage to a Cha Cha Cha to Pata Pata by Miriam Makeba. An utterly joyous tune. If anyone was expecting Manny of Horrors (his character in Black Books is called Manny) they were to be disappointed. Careering about like an albino Klingon, Bill threw everything he had into this dance. It was fun, frivolous and weirdly entertaining. As a musician he has a good ear for music and stayed in time and on beat, staying in synch with Oti throughout most of the dance. He brought some flair and energy even if there was a lack of hip rotation and bounce. It was a good start and my highlight of the night. I don't think he's going to be the comedy no-hoper a lot of people expected him to be. Although a low score of 15 out of 30 wasn't the best start.

Teenybop...I want to say singer? YouTuber? Embryo? HRVY and Janette Manrararasputin followed with a Jive to Faith by Stevie Wonder. Young man may have lost the use of his vowels but he was pretty decent on the dancefloor. He was efficient and impressive despite not actually knowing what a jive was beforehand (I rolled my eyes so hard I sprained them) and was fast, furious and precise. The kicks & flicks were sharp, his rhythm was good and if his energy flagged at the end it did't really detract from the routine overall. Candidate Two for Ringer Of The Year needs to point his toes more and calm down a little. It'll be interesting to see his ballroom (DON'T!). Despite having all the personality of a table, he scored a mighty 25 out of 30

And that was that. All our dancers and done their bit and showed us what we could look forward to. Which, for some of them, isn't a lot. Nobody is being voted out this week and the scores will roll over to next Saturday. A promising start, though it felt a bit flatter than previous years. Will it improve? We shall see.

Until next week.....KEEP DANCING!!!

Laserquest Flasher

I’ve had a few hapless adventures through life. Actually, there have been more than a few. Not all of them even involved alcohol. After much thought, I decided to start with this one.

Laserquest Flasher explained..........

Come with me, if you will, on a journey back in time. Back, in fact, to 1989. Here we go – twinkly, winkly music and wibbly wobbly screen wipe. There – are we all here safe and sound? Good. So – the Laserquest Flasher story, eh?

It’s 1989. I’m not quite out of my teens. The charts were full of Kylie, London Boys and Debbie Gibson. Madonna was causing controversy with Like a Prayer and Anneka Rice was flitting all over the country in a helicopter directed by hapless contestants desperate to find the clues and ‘stop the clock!’

Fashion was.......eclectic. On the day in question I was dressed in a crisp white blouse with shoulder pads so wide that, from behind, I probably looked like an armchair. This was teamed with a tight black mini-skirt and four-inch white stilettos. Classy. In my head I looked like Christie Brinkley. I thought I looked like the dog’s bollocks. In reality, I probably looked more like a tramp’s breakfast but, hey, this was 1989. We all looked weird.

The day at work had gone OK. Boring as usual and I was clock-watching, waiting to go home. Five o’clock rolled round and I headed out of the door. To my surprise, my boyfriend at the time (not Husband Of The House – sorry to disappoint everyone!) was waiting for me outside with a bunch of his mates from where he worked. He didn’t usually meet me after work, so this was new. ‘We’re going Laserquest’ he announced. Fair enough, I thought, I can call my mates and meet them somewhere. ‘No,’ he said ‘We’re ALL going to Laserquest’. Nothing was going to change his mind on this. Oh. Poo.

For the uninitiated, Laserquest is a game where you run around with body armour covered in sensors and people shoot at you with laser beams in (toy) guns. If your sensor is hit by someone else’s laser, they score a point, you get a point against you. It’s played in near pitch-dark with UV lights on to navigate by. It sort of resembled a bad sci-fi movie. All funky and futuristic. I’m assured it’s great fun. SBOTH loves it.

The snag is, as I’m sure you know, that white clothing GLOWS under UV lights. It is practically visible from space. And there I was, in a pure white blouse and white stilettos. As soon as I set foot in the place I lit up like a sodding Christmas tree. It was like turning on a giant torch. In short, an absolute perfect victim.
Seemingly as one, practically the entire pack of participants turned and started shooting at me. I couldn’t have been a better target if I’d had a giant cross painted on my back and a bull’s eye on my forehead. The ‘pew, pew, pew’ of all the guns firing in my direction and the bleeping of my sensors registering hits filled my ears. It was like ‘Running Man’ meets ‘Platoon’.

‘Sod this’ I thought and made a break for the exit. Now, let me tell you, HOLLYWOOD LIES!!! It is not possible to sprint like Usain Bolt in drag while wearing four inch heels and a mini skirt. It’s barely possible to get anything more than a trot. A determined tortoise could have overtaken me.

Then, suddenly, at the top of a slope, I lost my footing. My treacherous heels skidded out from underneath me and I slammed down on my back. Winded, I slid helplessly from top to bottom of the slope. My skirt, short to begin with, slid with me. But it slid UP. All the way up around my waist, exposing my lacy underwear and (I am cringing at the memory) my stockings and suspenders to everyone in the immediate vicinity.

I briefly toyed with the idea of pretending I was unconscious but instead struggled to my feet amidst cat-calls and wolf-whistles, trying to rearrange my clothes and restore some dignity. My face was burning with embarrassment – you could have cooked bacon on it. My blouse was covered in dirt and muck, my stockings laddered. I handed back my Laserquest gear without making eye contact with the sniggering bloke behind the counter and stalked out of the place, head held high.

I walked out to an explosion of cheers, applause and laughter. I looked up to where people were pointing. To my utter horror I noticed TV cameras were broadcasting footage of games currently being played to the queue outside and the rest of a very busy Manchester street. Everyone, everyone, had seen me crash, smash and most of all – spectacularly flash. Something like fifty or so (although it seemed at the time like half of the city) had watched as I made a complete fool of myself and shown them what my mother had told me never to show in public. I was mortified. Not even waiting for my boyfriend and his gang of goons I tottered off, face glowing, and hailed a cab home, pretending that nothing had happened. He was not happy that I had ‘shown him up’ but frankly, I couldn’t have cared less what he thought. I’m just happy ‘You’ve Been Framed’ wasn’t on telly at the time.

I have never, ever set foot in Laserquest since. SBOTH has had two parties there but even the thought of it makes me shudder. I think I may have PTLQFS (post-traumatic Laserquest Flasher Syndrome). Though, to be fair, most people who saw me unmentionables have probably got it as well. I could claim that I never wore outfits like that again but I’d be lying. The following day I was probably in chinos, stripy t-shirt and a gold-buttoned blazer. Come on, this was the eighties! The decade that taste forgot. Well, forgot me, anyway.

Later days, people!

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! It's only the Strictly Come Dancing 2017 GRAND FINAL!! After many many weeks of build up, tears, tantrums, triumphs and terrific times we are finally here.

Fifteen dancers have been whittled down to the final four. One by one we have seen the celebrities fall by the wayside until we are left with Alexandra Burke, Debbie 'Flexi' McGee, Gemma Atkinson and our sole male Joe McFadden.

Do they all deserve to be here? Well, probably - although I think Aston Merrygold should have gone further than he did. Still, that's the fickle phone folk for you.

The final If I Was In Charge I'd Make You Dance This To That is, of course, a Show Dance. And that will be to Lego House by Ed Sheeran. Giovanni and Debbie will be dressed as Emmet and Unikitty from The Lego Movie - who's who I'll let you decide.

But who is your money on? I'm not sure the series final has been so tight in a long time. The standard this year - barring the usual comedy duffers and those with the rhythm of a stood-on spork - has been really quite high. This year it really could be a matter of a fan-base versus flamenco, popularity over paso vote.

The show will follow its usual formula. Each couple will dance their own particular favourite, one picked by the judges which they liked but want to see improvement    on and the famous, spectacular, no hold barred (literally) show dance. This year the judges have picked the showdance tunes for the couple, which should be interesting.

For the first time in Strictly history ALL FOUR couples are dancing ALL THREE dances! That's right - everyone is going to get to show off their show dance. Which, to be honest, I'm quite excited about. It must have been awful to spend ages working on the most spectacular dance you've ever done only to be told 'nah - nobody likes you enough to want to see it'. It's the Strictly equivalent of getting picked last for rounders.

AND as if that wasn't enough, it was all actually, really, properly done in ONE NIGHT! That's right. No 'Sunday' show. Which means I am actually typing this up on Sunday for you with a hangover as there ain't no way I can multitask watching the thing, making notes, typing it up and drinking gin. I mean, I know I'm good but even I have my limits!

The night kicked off to a cracking start with a lively opener - the finalist pros were on podiums, the celebs on catwalks as they counted down to the start. Kevin was very pointedly not dancing with Karen. To be honest he had a face on him like a wet weekend in, well, Grimsby - poor fella.

Then it was down to what we've all been waiting thirteen long weeks for - the finalists' dances. First up for all our couples was the Judges' Choice.

Alexandra Burke & Gorka kicked us off with a reprise of their American Smooth to Wouldn't It Be Loverly from My Fair Lady in Musicals Week. This time round Alexandra had polished off the rough edges and smoothed out the wrinkles in a dance that was lighter, more flowing and lyrical than the first time round. Her character was more charming and there were some lovely little extra touches. The lifts were better and the transitions easier. This was exquisite, graceful and artistic. The judges were thrilled and Alexandra earned a full house 40 out of 40 for the first round.

Debbie McGee & Giovanni were up next. The judges had chosen her salsa to Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You by Frankie Valli. There was certainly improvement as Debbie put more into the hip rotation, shimmy, shake and bounce. The side by side section was neat and in time and there was bags of energy and stamina. Some bits still looked a little clunky and stuttery, but we did have the infamous 'one handed spin her round by the foof' lift, which is always a bonus.

Debbie's balance was spot on, though and she nailed the turns. The whole thing was even faster than the first outing, if that's possible. A near perfect 39 out of 40 for Debbie.

Gemma Atkinson & Aljaž followed with their paso doble to The Gay Zebra Song Viva La Vida by Coldplay. This had been one of the turning point dances for Gemma when things seemed to start to click for her. The reprise was even better. She brought the fierce, proud character from her tango to the floor and that helped with the attack, focus and intent. Her timing was better and she was sharper and more focussed. Her promenade chasses were slick and the whole routine was much more dramatic and powerful. Gemma's shaping and frame were better and some wee flairs and finesses added to the performance. An improved score of 38 out of 40 from Shirley & Co.

Joe McFadden & Katya rounded off errrr......round one with the panel's pick - their soppy Viennese waltz to Somewhere My Love from Dr Zhivago. Sans soupstrainer 'tache this time - and still smelling all the farts in the world - Joe still did a good job of this dance. There was lots of lovely rise and fall, swing and sway and spins and turns. He covered the floor really well and there was some lightness and grace to his posture and footwork. His frame was better this time and wasn't hunching over Katya like the first showing. A fab fleckerl at the end had Shirl all of a flutter. 39 out of 40 for Joe.

Alexandra dashed out of hair and make us to bring us her Show dance. She and Gorka would be dancing to There's No Business Like Show Business. WOW! WHAT a performance. This was a mixed bag, lucky dip of some many dances I lost count. There was Charleston, quickstep, jive, American Smooth, Argentine Tango - I think I may even have seen The Birdy Song in there at one point. This was a polished, accomplished performance with so much pizazz it shone. Alexandra coped amazingly with the changes of style and pace, never letting her energy drop for a second. She was graceful where she needed to be, energetic and dramatic at other times. This dance was full of sparkle, style and substance. A full on, high octane, value for money outing. Alexandra was awarded 39 out of 40.

Debbie's Show dance was to One Day I'll Fly Away by Randy Crawford. Giovanni had absolutely choreographed this to every single one of Debbie's strengths. A sweet music box opening with Debbie as the ballerina transitioned into a charming routine with a lovely dreamlike quality. Debbie - as you'd expect - was graceful, lithe and limber giving us her trademark splits and leg extensions. Her poise was perfect, she was graceful, elegant and controlled. A fast neck spin and some sparkle bar special effects added some drama in a dance that was touching but never twee. A couple of teeny weeny (I'm talking almost microscopic) wobbles meant Debbie got 38 out of 40 for this.

Gemma brought us a Show dance to Show Me How You Burlesque by Christina Aguilera. This was a fun, fast, frenetic and feisty outing from Gemma. Another routine with a mixture of dances and styles it was energetic and busy. Gemma's core was better in the lifts and the looked less clunky and awkward. She sold this dance, showing us just how much she has improved since the clumsy start in week one. Gemma has loads of attitude, attack, character ans sass and she looked like she really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, Craig didn't so much - but she still got 37 out of 40.

Joe's Show dance was a Cinderella based dance to You Make My Dreams by Hall & Oates. Katya was Cinders and Joe was Prince Charming trying to slipper one as he started with a solo bit with the shoe that made him look a bit like he was performing Hamlet with a Jimmy Choo instead of Yorick's skull. The dance - more mixtures of styles - was light, skippy and trippy with a Disneyeque feel. There was a really clever costume change with Katya's dress transforming from sombre to sparkly in the flick of a wrist. Joe was tight and on time, snappy and sharp - especially is a difficult big spin lift. A quirky, fun and entertaining number but still a full house eluded Joe and he was given 39 out of 40.

And so were were left with the dancers' own choice - the one they had loved performing the most or that had got them the best score. We were sure to be entertained in the final third of the show.

Alexandra's Own choice was her sensational Jive to Proud Mary by Tina Turner.  she really went for it from the opening bars of a number that had everything but the kitchen sink. This was extra special - energetic, effortless with proper showbiz flair. Totally in character, Alexandra set the floor on fire with this crowd pleaser. Her kicks and flicks were sharp and precise, her retractions perfectly executed as she lifted the crowd and the roof off the studio. She and Gorka were totally in synch, bouncing off each other and having a ball. The whole thing was A-MA-ZING and had the judges on their feet - even Craig, who waited for the furore to die down before giving his praise. Another top score of 40 out of 40 for Alexandra.

Debbie had decided on the Argentine Tango as her Own choice to that classic tango tune that I can't remember the name of. This was a dance full of strong attack and style with Debbie showing focus, intent and passion all the way through. The gauchos were much cleaner and quicker, she was tighter and sharper and more together with Giovanni from start to finish. Their great partnership shone and their connection and partnership glowed on the dancefloor. The steamy routine but the Bueno into Buenos Aires and her great legs and lines earned her a full on 40 out of 40.....

Gemma brought us her American Smooth to Downtown by Petula Clark as her Own choice. She had really loved this dance when she performed it in Blackpool and it had been an entertaining display then. Gemma's confidence shone and it was apparent how far she has come as a dancer. The dance was lighter and more controlled than the first showing and she was more graceful, elegant and flowing. Her footwork was better and frame more assured. The lifts were better and the dance was more atmospheric in the smaller room. Gemma radiated class - Bruno was so impressed he chucked himself of his chair. A dropped point from Craig earned her 39 out of 40 for her efforts.

Joe closed the competition with his Own Choice of his Charleston. I think this was the first of his dances that I really enjoyed. It was so funky and stylish. This time round Joe seemed to have more fun with it, chucking in some extra moves, twists and touched that brought it totally to life. There was bags of character, tons of swivel and cross, head wobbles and bounce. He was tight, sharp, in time and on point, The side by side synchronicity was just joyous and his footwork was perfectly precise. It was a cracking was to end the show and he scored a well-deserved 40 out of 40.

And there we had it. The four finalists had finished their flings and done everything they could have done. The 'just for guidance, it doesn't really count' leaderboard looked like this:

Alexandra - 119
Joe - 118
Debbie - 117
Gemma - 114

The phone lines were open and I spent the equivalent of the national debt of Guadeloupe on my favourite. No, I'm not telling you who. Just be content that it was either Alexandra, Debbie, Gemma or Joe.

While we waited for the results to come in we were treated to Ed Sheeran singing 'Perfect' while Pasha and Karen frolicked about barefoot, with Pasha in a vest. I was hoping for a Die Hard based number (it is nearly Christmas, after all) but I was disappointed again. Now, this is spooky. I'd already written the bit about showdancing to Ed before I knew he was coming on. WHY can't I do that with the Lotto numbers?

I quite like Ed - the man with the poshest scar in pop. Apparently a slightly merry Princess Eugenie gashed his face with a sword while pretending the knight him with a proper sword at a party in Granny's gaff. It may be quite dashing, I suppose, but he still looks like Elmo to me.

I don't care what you say, I'm not tickling either of them!

The Class of 2017 came back with a group routine - which was basically them just jiggling onto the stage in the order they'd been voted off. Reminding us - with the exception of Aston - just why they had gone when they did. 

Then it was time to find out who it was. Who was going to wrest the glitterball from Ore's tear-soaked hands? There was no announcements of safety and danger this time round. After about seventeen hours of tension building nonsense our Tess, Dame Daly of Stockport, announced that...............

JOE was the winner!

Much as I expected, really. The forums were alight with Joe praise and fan worship. Alright, he wasn't exactly as hapless at dancing as he was trying to make out. He didn't really only get his legs a fortnight before Week One. The wee fox has played Caractacus Potts in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and has had parts in other stage musical numbers. But he was nice and sparkly and twinkly and very down to earth which endeared him to the viewers - and Katya is a terrific choreographer.. He just wasn't the best dancer.

So now it's all over for another year. There'll be no more of this blog nonsense for the rest of the year. What do you mean, 'Thank Heavens for that'? Right, just for that I think I WILL do the Dancing On Ice blog next year. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I'm kidding. Thank you for reading the ramblings of a middle-aged woman on a subject she knows little about. It's been a blast and I hope you enjoyed it.

Until next year................KEEP DANCING!!!

ERMAGERD!!! It's only the Strictly Come Dancing 2017 semi-finals, innit? This time next week we'll know who has beaten everybody off and raised their giant sparkly ball in the air. Isn't it exciting! I won't know what to do with myself. Well, probably until Dancing On Ice starts, anyway. There's got to be some mileage in that, right (and more stuff I can pretend to know about)?

HOTH and I spent Saturday afternoon putting up the Christmas decorations and making the house look lovely and festive. Miracle of miracles, the lights worked first time (technology has killed the days when you had to spend four hours checking every single bulb in a string of 240 to find the duff one usually number 239). Next week we work on the Community Advent Window, where the houses in the neighbourhood each decorate a window with a festive feem on their given day. Seeing as I will have had my work's do on the Friday, a family gathering (not to mention the Strictly Final) on the Saturday and the rugby club do on the Sunday I'm not optimistic of having this year's stand-out display.

But back to the point of this blog. Only five couples remain and the press are really ramping things up bringing us bull poop stories of bitter feuds, tantrums, torrid romances and scheming - and that's just between Tess and Claudia. According to the news AJ & Mollie are romping, Alexandra is stomping, Debbie is bitter, Joe sniffs  glitter and Gemma is favourite to fall. I, personally, don't believe a word of it. There can't be THAT much drama between five people can there? Makes me glad I'm not famous (being recognised on the bus after being on Pointless doesn't count).

Your penultimate I Really Want To See A Doings To Thingy is a rumba to Earth Song by Michael Jackson. This will involve Aljaž as Michael Jackson and Gemma as Jarvis Cocker, re-enacting the famous BRIT Awards mooning stage invasion from 1996 (HOW long ago??!!).

Well, we are nearing the final - things need to start being more..........impressive.

But what of this week's routines? Remember, the couples are treating us to two completely different dances - and not just because they're desperate to pad out the show. Our remaining pairs will be hoping to show off how much they've learned, how far they've come on their journey (not that far, the hotel they stay at is only down t'road) and how versatile they are now they've spent a dozen weeks learning to dance.

How did they do? Was footwork fleet, armography outstanding, frame flawless and poise perfect? Or was it all a hot mess as different dancing styles collided in our celebrities brains and they started doing a Charleston to I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston? I'd actually pay to see that, with the backing being sped up so ol' Whitters sounded like Pinky & Perky - or The Smurfs.

There was no messing about with any opening dance sequence this week. Oh no, straight down to brass tacks we were with ten dances to get through - not to mention hair, make-up and costume changes to manage.

Joe McFadden and Katya opened proceedings with an American smooth to Have You Met Miss Jones? by Robbie Williams. Despite the omnipresent 'smell the fart' face, this was a slick, stylish and accomplished start to Joe's campaign. He was swish, cool and confident with some great timing and fab footwork. There was a really nice side by side step sequence and Joe coped really well with the difficult steps and choreography. His frame got a bit squiffy here and there and he telegraphed the lifts, but the transitions were good and this was a solid start. Joe scored 35 out of 40.

They wheeled out last year's champ Ore Oduba to help with the Terms and Conditions. He sportingly pretended to cry through it, of course. I tell you what, though - that glitterball obviously doesn't weight much. He was carting it about with one hand like it was made out of plastic. Which it probably is, come to think of it.

Alexandra Burke and Gorka kicked off their evening with a Viennese waltz to Tina Arena's version of REM's Everybody Hurts. (Still with me? Good.) This was a routine full of emotion, connection and feeling. There were tons of turns and spins with plenty of content and contact between Alexandra and Gorka. She was beautiful, elegant and controlled with near perfect timing, rhythm, rise and fall, swing and sway. She was poised and elegant in and out of hold and in the difficult pauses and change of pace. Her footwork was lovely - apart from one point where Craig said she didn't close her feet. ONE SINGLE OCCASION! This dance flowed beautifully and Alexandra had exquisitely lyrical arms and expression. Poise, grace and fluidity earned her 39 out of 40.

Mollie King and AJ came next with a samba to Whenever, Wherever by Shakira - famous for the line 'lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains'. It probably sounds better in Spanish. Well, Mollie had a mountain to climb with this dance (and the prize for clunkiest segue goes to....). She has never got to grips with Latin dances. She's just too nice and innocent to pull off the sexy style needed for them. She started off with a confident attitude - but then she started dancing. While there was some shimmy and shake there was no real hip rotation or pizazz. She was definitely cheerful and cheeky, but lacked any bounce, commitment or attitude to the number. Sadly, she went off beat really early on and spent the rest of the dance playing catch up. She never really got to grips with the steps and choreography and seemed overpowered by the routine. The samba rolls were awkward and she lost balance and connection. The changes of rhythm were a struggle and it all just felt a bit too much for her. Poor Mollie got just 24 out of 40.

Gemma Atkinson and Aljaž followed with their first number - a rumba to Beneath Your Beautiful by Labyrinth. I'm just disappointed that Aljaž wasn't dressed as Jareth from the film Labyrinth. The costume department really missed a trick there. Mind you, that might prove just a bit too much for Bruno....

No, officer. I definitely didn't steal the giant salami

For a rumba (as you know, my least favourite dance) this was pretty romantic and rhythmic. Gemma had a good go at a sexy character and she had nice straight legs and lovely lines. There was a good mix of basic and advanced rumba steps apparently and Gemma was precisely on beat. She had good hip rotation but it was a bit stop /  start which spoiled the fluidity of the moves at times. Her top half was also a bit disconnected which made her look flat and stiff in some of the moves. A decent effort, though, and she scored 30 out of 40.

Debbie McGee and Giovanni finished the first half with a jive to I'm So Excited by The Pointer Sisters. This was a very quick jive that needed bags of energy and stamina. Debbie delivered with sharp kicks and flicks and clean, precise timing. Giovanni was very distracting with his pecs appeal but I managed to concentrate enough to notice that Debbie lacked a little retraction and she seemed to be looking at her feet a lot. Her body wasn't quite over her feet enough which affected her balance a little but it was still a damn fine outing - strong, clean, tight and detailed with some tricky steps. A fairly decent 34 out of 40 for Debbie.

Out came Joe McFadden and Katya again, this time performing an Argentine Tango to Human by Rag N Bone man. I must admit, I was looking forward to this when I read about it in the week. I wasn't disappointed. This dance was a good basic Argentine but with some cracking contemporary twists in the choreography by Katya. Joe's solo start was assured and his connection with Katya was suitably sexy, smouldering and raunchy enough for pre-watershed TV. There were some lovely mirroring moves and decent ganchos with some risky lifts, including an extraordinary pivot lift at the end where Kayta raised Joe up from the floor.

Joe and Kayta solve the problem of seating on the Tube

It wasn't perfect, though. Again, there were some balance issues and a wee stumble in the middle. His walking steps and promenade were a bit stiff, instead of being on bent legs. It was still very enjoyable and Joe was given 35 out of 40 again.

Alexandra Burke and Gorka's second outing was a simply sensational samba to Finally by CeCe Peniston. Now, for me, I will always associate this with Terence Stamp in drag in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

Well, maybe not anymore. Alexandra was a one woman party as she threw everything into this routine. She attacked the dance with full-on attitude, bounce and energy with great hip rotation, rhythm and timing. This was hot, steamy, lively, entertaining and fun. Gorka had chucked in tricky body rolls and a stupendous neck spin lift in a no holds barred number. Alexandra performed with aplomb, never dropping character missing a beat. Darcey was so impressed she said she'd turn up next week in Bruno's speedos if Alexandra didn't make it to the final. A full house 40 out of 40 for Team AlGoRhythm.

Oh dear. Mollie King and AJ had to follow this with a waltz to Angel by Sarah MacLachlan. Tess said she could see sparks flowing between the two. I'll be honest - I've seen more sparks in me nylon knickers when they've chafed if I moved too quickly. No, Tess. No sparks. This was sweet and romantic with lots of spins, turns and pivots but it looked like nerves and the first half mauling from the judges had really affected Mollie's nerves. She seemed subdued and unsure of herself, even in hold. Her frame was fairly good right until near the end when she started hunching again. She tried hard with the dance which was relatively safe and careful, but an error right in front of the judges spoiled the moment. Still, the judges gave Mollie her highest score of the season with 32 out of 40.

Gemma Atkinson and Aljaž came out fighting with a tango to My Sharona by The Knack. And despite the VT appearing to show Gemma had struggled, she certainly had the knack of this number. She was fierce and focussed, using plenty of attack and intent with the character. She stared down the judges with attitude and determination and showed off sharp, clean footwork and precision. The routine was chock full of pleasing traditional content with clipped steps and staccato head turns. There was a lack of V shaping, but Craig admitted this might not have been what Aljaž had been going for. A couple of little niggles, but the judges gave Gemma 32 out of 40.

Debbie McGee and Giovanni closed the show with a fab little foxtrot to Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder. From the start Debbie showed off clean footwork, polished frame and effortless style and rhythm. The pair totally covered the floor with elegant, sweeping moves and lovely lines. There was lots of swing and sway and a nice, tight together side by side section. Unfortunately, the pair were out of hold a tad too long (although Giovanni argued against this) which cost the pair some points. The couple scored 36 out of 40 with Bruno being so impressed he announced he would judge next week in Darcey's tutu, no knickers and a tiara if Debbie wasn't in the final. I'm not sure if that's a threat or a promise. Or if it's something I really want to see on a Saturday night again.

And so all our couples had gone again. They had done everything they could to try to get into the final. With double scoring from the judges there was some hefty pointage available and the potential for some huge gaps between the pairs on the leaderboard. After everyone had gone around twice it looked like this:

Alexandra - 79 out of 80
Debbie and Joe - 70 out of 80
Gemma - 62 out of 80
Mollie - 56 out of 80 (a full 23 points behind Alexandra)

Of course, this means nothing in the world of the Viewer Vote as we've already seen. Whether these standing remained the same, we would have to wait and see.

Tomorrow came today and suddenly it was Sunday. The promised heavy snow didn't arrive and we had meh-ther instead of weather. Just cold and grey. A bit like me when my roots need doing. But joy of joys, MBOTH's rugby match was called off anyway so I didn't have to wear every item of clothing I own to stand in a freezing field for a change. Instead, I was treated to hot buttered crumpets in bed (that's not a euphemism) and a steaming hot latte while watching Taskmaster on Dave. Much more civilised, I think.

The results show kicked off with a crowd-pleasing lindy bop special. Lindy bop, for the uninitiated, is kind of swing / jazz fusion from 1920s and 30s Harlem which now has street dancing and breakdancing thrown in, including a solo spot from two incredible young girls who were only ten and 13. It can be very fast, very energetic. It was all rather jolly and a fun way to start the show. Apart from Anton who looked like a drunk uncle gatecrashing his teen nephew's birthday party. and very telling in that Kevin wasn't dancing with Karen. Rumour has it they're no longer together.

Tess's job is getting easier these days and without much mucking about we found out that Gemma was the first in the dance off. No huge surprise, really. She was in the bottom two at the end of Saturday night and her dances hadn't been quite as polished as either previous weeks or the dancers at the top of the tree, who seemed to have made that much extra effort to make it through.

The guest star was Craig David (Craiiiiiiiiig Daviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid - am I the only one who still goes all Bo Selecta when I hear his name? I wonder if he still has Kes?)

Anyway, Craig got together with Bastille and sang I Know You while newlyweds Aljaž and Janette got energetic. I'm not talking out of school but me and HOTH regularly carry on like that round the kitchen while we're waiting for our Horlicks to heat up. He's surprisingly easy to lift for a big bloke, but the frocks are a nightmare to drip dry.

The judges did their bit next, rehashing their comments and going into greater detail about what they'd said last night. I do hope they think of some way to jazz this up next year. Maybe have them sing the comments in a different style each week - I'm voting Shirl does grime while Craig gets a madrigal. It'd certainly make me keep my bum on the couch instead of going to clean the fluff out of the tumble drier.

And so back to the nailbiting bit. The last two slebs sweated squeaky bum style until it was announced that Mollie was joining Gemma to fight for a place in the final. At last, two dancers who actually should be in the bottom two, were. This close to the final it would have been a bit of a travesty if Alexandra had been there again. We can't pretend that it came as a massive shock now, can we?

Gemma had chosen to do the tango again for her dance off number. This was probably a really wise choice because a) it was her best outing of the night and b) nobody likes a rumba.

Mollie had decided to do the waltz. Again, a good choice - she'd have to have been off her cake to want to rehash her samba. Remember, that waltz had earned her her highest score in the competition.

This was by no means a done deal. Both ladies had made errors, both had been criticised by the judges and had their faults aired in public. Both had scored exactly the same for these dances the night before. The question was - who was going to hold their nerve the best?

Mollie went first and I suppose it's really hard to give it some proper welly in a waltz. Her shoulder started rising from near the beginning again but she had ironed out the error from the first time round.

Gemma came out kicking arse and taking names. Like Gene Hunt in a frock. The reprise seemed even cleaner and sharper this time round, as though the peril of going out had given her an extra edge.

And so it was all down to the panel. Who did they think had done enough to earn a reprieve? Craig said it was a close call, Darcey was impressed with improvements, Bruno concurred and Shirley confirmed she'd have gone with their choice, too......

Mollie had fallen at the last hurdle. She can't deny she had a really good run. There were a lot of peaks and troughs throughout the weeks. Her highest score ever was 32, which she didn't score until last night - some of the others were getting that in weeks three to four. While there's no doubt she improved, it just wasn't enough to make her a real contender.

KING HELL - NOT SO JOLLY FOR MOLLIE AS SHE CRASHES OUT

And there we have it. We know know that our final four are Alexandra, Debbie, Gemma and Joe. Now Joe is the last man in the competition, but will he be the last man standing?

Next week we say hello to our new champion - and goodbye to this blog for another year. I don't do the Christmas Special one - there's just not the same journeys, the tension and the training, the tears and the exhilaration in a one-off. Besides, I've usually been on the Bailey's since first light so I'm in no fit state. I'M KIDDING!! (It's Babycham, really).

So who's your money on? Only one way to find out if you were right. Well, I mean, you could watch the show but where would the fun in that be? The best way to find out what went on is to join me next week for the last Strictly Blog of 2017. I wonder if they'd let me release an album of You Should Do A Thing To Wotsit By Oojah songs? If I say so myself, there were some good ones on there. I might have to dig out my cassette recorder and do you all a mix tape - Now That's What I Call Ballroom Balderdash, maybe.

Until then, my lovelies......KEEP DANCING!!!

Well, here we are already. Quarter Finals week. You can almost smell the end from here. Six couples remain, fighting - well, dancing (fighting would be much more fun - my money's on Debbie. I bet she's got a vicious right hook) for the right to hold the glitterball aloft in just two weeks' time.

I'll be the first to admit I'm slightly running out of ideas for Let's Do This To That so it's a good job there aren't many weeks left. After some thinking I've decided this week will be a waltz to Guilty by Paloma Faith. After some more thinking I've decided the costume least likely to get me banned from the Internet would be Joe and Katya as Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin OJ Simpson never crossed my mind, honest.

This week is Musicals Week and the couples will be scouring the scores to try and come up with something that hasn't been done before. That could be difficult - there's only so many musicals out there. The question is whether anyone is cheesy brave enough to do something from La La Land.

So, Annie one want to have a guess at who did what? Who did a Wicked turn and who didn't stand a Ghost of a chance? Who will be on the Starlight Express to the semis? Get ready, Guys and Dolls. Squirt on your Hairspray and let's get this Little Shop Of Horrors started!

The show opened with a Dickens of a performance to songs from Oliver! It was a Sykes for sore eyes as they whirled around like Dodgers. Anton looked a proper Nancy but it was Food Glorious Food for thought and you should Consider Yourself well entertained.

Gemma Atkinson and Aljaž opened the show with quickstep to Hello Dolly from...look, you don't need me to tell you that one, do you? Gemma started off confidently with some lovely characterisation and charm, but it all went a bit south when she got into hold. It was almost like she couldn't concentrate on the two things at once. She was fairly fleet and flighty, light on her feet in the scatter chasses and promenades. Her footwork was fairly tight in the kick break section but her frame got bouncy again towards the end as she tired. Shirley had a real go at her for her lack of acting skills, which is ironic given Gemma's day job. The panel didn't seem particularly enamoured and gave her just 29 out of 40.

Previous participant Russell Grant popped us as Avanardon, sorry Abanazar, to sing us the Terms and Conditions to 'I Will Show You The World'. It was a bit weird but it kind of worked. I still think he would have preferred getting A Lad In  (Aladdin) to do it. Sorry, I miss being in panto at this time of year (OH NO I DON'T).

Mollie King and rumoured beau AJ (if they're a couple I'm Scarlett Johannson and HOTH is Chris Hemsworth) brought us a rumba to Hopelessly Devoted To You from Grease. Apparently, they started with I Dreamed A Dream from Les Mis but it was changed mid-week. No idea why - maybe AJ couldn't cut it as a convincing Jean Val Jean? Anyway, controversy from the beginning here! Mollie had started off with a sweet solo section, dancing on the veranda. But then did a jump and catch move into AJ's arms which, as we all know, is an illegal lift. How naughty. There seemed to be a lot of running about and Mollie couldn't decide if she was sulky or smitten as her expression changed so often. She showed some good hip movement, though, and had nice straight legs. It was more sweet than raunchy or romantic but the mood was nice. Apparently, she was doing some difficult footwork timing, which got her 9s from Shirley and Bruno, both overmarking and overlooking the illegal lift. 31 out of 40 for Mollie.

Joe McFadden and Katya came next with a very original samba to Money Money from Cabaret (for an extra 'Money' they could have had Mamma Mia! themed dance). Not the first song that comes to mind when someone says 'samba', this was a risky choice and combination. But it worked. It was quirky, crazy and cheeky. Joe's character was spot on for the song and he had bags of style, coping really well with the difficult content and tricky steps. He performed a tight shadow samba roll with Katya, and showed off with voltas and crescado walks (whatever the bloody hell they are). His feet turned out a bit and he had Flingy Free Arm Syndrome again that's probably a proper thing but he really pulled this dance off. The judges were impressed and awarded 37 out of 40.

Arm-ageddon outta here! Joe's trippy and flippy - pity you can't see his lippy!

Debbie McGee and Giovanni followed with a waltz-based American smooth to Memory from Cats. Oh my goodness. This dance actually gave me goosebumps. From Debbie's poignant solo start the routine had fabulous narrative and told a story throughout. This was a fluid, precise and flowing performance from Debbie who, again, had beautiful lyrical limbs, timing and rhythm. There was a fearless neck-hold twizzer, tons of spins and turns and no gapping. Her footwork was polished and poised and she had amazing balance. She moved seamlessly from lift to hold to turn and back again - and, for once, there were no splits. Craig was speechless at the end, but it wasn't a purr-fect score - 39 out of 40 for Debbie.

Cat's the way to do it - Debbie is feline groovy

Davood Ghadami and Nadiya struggled with an Argentine Tango to Phantom Of The Opera from....well, Phantom Of The Opera. Davood started off well, swinging in on a chandelier in character and made some strong opening moves, but he looked more gormless than glowering as he danced with his mouth open again all through the routine. There were some decent enough knee kicks and ganchos, but his balance was all over the place and he was stuttering and stumbling through the moves. He seemed to struggle in the placement of the lifts and that made them look clumsy. It never really got going and was too stop / start and juddery. A savaging from the judges and just 29 out of 40 for Davood.

Alexandra Burke and Gorka closed the show with a Charlieston to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious from Mary Poppins. Why the @*%! couldn't they have danced to something with a shorter title - like 'Help'? I'm suing for wear and tear on my keyboard and the medicinal gin for my RSI. Would Alexandra's slump into the bottom two last week have any effect on her performance? Would it 'eck as like. From the opening bars she was straight into character and right in the moment. This was a speedy, challenging Charleston that could have looked frantic and frenetic but Alexandra kept everything under control. Her swivel and cross were so spot on Craig remarked that she had been better than Gorka! There was loads of content, back flips, handstands, cartwheels and flips with great spins, lifts and high kicks. Alexandra's timing was bang on the money showing breathtaking stamina and energy in a West End worthy performance. A Spoonful Of Sugar from the judges - 39 out of 40 for the pair.

And so the curtain came down on the evening's performances and the leaderboard looked like this:

Debbie and Alexandra - 39
Joe - 37
Mollie - 31
Gemma and Davood - 29

Domingo dawned (I couldn't think of another Sunday quip) and, unfortunately, my spectacular voodoo failed. MBOTH's rugby match was not called off due to inclement weather and I had to spend the morning pretending to enjoy myself watching a bunch of young boys get muddy and sweaty.

The post-vote viewing started with a number to songs from the musical Dreamgirls. For One Night Only the Strictly Family reminded us It's Hard To Say Goodbye and I'm Telling You I'm Not Going to know what to do with myself when this is all over. Mind you, I bet the cleaners aren't going to miss all that sodding glitter tape they keep dumping on everyone.

Since there were so few dancers left it was going to be obvious fairly early on who was going to be in the dance off as Tess started reading out the names, but at the end of the first instalment Davood was in the bottom two. Maybe not the biggest upset of the series. It hadn't been Davood's night, really. He had looked uncomfortable and out of sorts with the routine. At least someone in the leaderboard's danger zone was in the dance again this week.

The Leading Ladies (no, I hadn't of them either but apparently Beverley Knight is one of 'em) sang I'm Every Woman while Kevin and his missus Karen did the energetic bit. I've shaken my groove thang to this tune meself on many a drunken occasion back in the day - both versions (though I'm more of a Chaka chick than a Whitney wench). I sympathise with the dancers - my days of strutting my stuff in four inch stilettos are long over.

I contemplated spending the judges' bit getting the snacks ready for the Robot Wars Grand Final (10 way robot melee people!) but they might have got cold while I was waiting, so cut my toenails instead. Just kidding, I faffed on here for a bit. It was all just a rehash of last night, anyway, and there's still no real..excitement in this section. Although Craig's propeller explanation was quite jolly and the back-stage footage of Ed Balls gangnam-ing through Tess's legs will stay with me for quite some time.

Without much further ado, we were left with Gemma and Alexandra. There were huge gasps in the audience when we were told that Alexandra was joining Davood in the dance off. This was a total shock again. What does Alexandra have to do to stay out of trouble with the viewers? Mind you, I did hear she was spotted out and about in a real fur coat this week, which might have upset a few people but that shouldn't impact on her dancing. There's also some rumblings on certain sites that folk don't think she's very sincere and her heartfelt thanks to the judges are false. Personally, I think that's utter bull-hooey. She clearly didn't deserve to be in the bottom two again this week and it has to have had an impact on her confidence.

Now, this could have been a tricky choice for the judges in previous weeks, but Davood had really struggled with this dance, where as Alexandra was practically perfect. It was no different in the dance off. Davood tried really hard and rectified the majority of his balance issues and mistakes from his first outing, but he was just totally outclassed and outshone by Alexandra.

The judges deliberated, cogitated and digested but it was no surprise when they told us that DAVOOD would be leaving the show. It's a shame - he had been improving week on week and tried really hard in training. But he was in the bottom two, after all, and it looks like his EastEnders army had deserted him in the voting. It probably was the right decision by both the judges and the viewers, based on this dance alone. At least he reprised his impressive bum lift in his farewell dance.         

GHADAMI-T.....DAVOOD IS DITCHED!

And that was that. The Quarter Finals were over and we were left with the Famous Five sashaying through to the semis. Only two more weeks to go until we crown the Strictly Come Dancing 2017 winner. Next week the couples have to learn and perform two different dances for us. Who's your money on? Who will fall at the final hurdle? Join me next week for what could possibly be the most exciting round up you've ever read. Or, most likely, it'll just be more of this rambling tosh.

Until then...........KEEP DANCING!!!